• Published 15th May 2014
  • 1,669 Views, 28 Comments

My Little Team Fortress 2: Senseless Fighting is Magic - InkRose

In the beautiful land of Equestria, ruled by the feuding sisters Celestia and Luna, two teams of mercenary clones are put to the test as they fight over the land for their respective princess...

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A Most Political Prologue

The day had come.

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna each sat on opposite sides of the huge bed between them. On this bed lay Queen Fausticorn, in a very weakened state.

"My dear daughters, I am dying..." she declared, a tear slipping down her cheek. She closed her eyes, and let out a soft breath, her scarlet mane flowing ever so gently in the small breeze coming from a nearby window. She opened her dry mouth once more, and said-

"Great, so I get to rule Equestria, right?" Luna asked, a hopeful smile decorating her face.

"Shut up!" Fausticorn screamed at her child. "Let me finish my dramatic dying speech you welp! It's because of you two I got these accursed illnesses anyway!"

"Pfft, you were the one who spent a whole day bartering with lepers," Celestia scoffed. "Your fault."

The Queen's face turned a peculiar shade of red that almost matched her mane. Next she stated: "Now listen here you feathered scumbags, I am dying-"

"We get it!" both Celestia and Luna cried.

Fausticorn grimaced. "And that means I must choose which one of you gets to rule Equestria."

"Yeeeees?" Celestia said.

"Who did you choose?! Who did you choose?!" Luna asked as she almost bounced off of the walls.

"I decided to write the will on my skin, since we all know that anything written on Alicorn skin is legally approved. So when I die, you can shave off my fur and reveal the will underneath. Got it?" Faust explained.

The two sisters immediately fetched fur shavers and razed half of the Queen's white coat off as she screamed in horror.

"I said AFTER I was dead! After!" she screeched.

The sisters paid no attention, instead hungrily reading the text written on Fausticorn's chest and neck. Both of the girls recoiled in horror.

"Wha-!?" Celestia cried.

"Nooooo! Please dear me nooo!" Luna screamed.

Faust gave a devilish smile. "That's right, my children. I have split Equestria in two. Half to Celestia, and half to Luna."

"How could you do this!? Equestria belongs to me!" Celestia declared.

"I will not stop fighting until I have all of the land!" Luna stated boldly.

The Queen just laughed. "HA! I knew you would. Now because I despise you both, I have ensured that you will both be fighting over Equestria for all of eternity. Anyway, I better get to dying. I've got a date with Tirek at 5 and I don't want to be late. I hope you girls have miserable lives."

Then Queen Fausticorn died.

She was skinned and then buried by the royal guard, her daughters weeping at the ceremony. The girls did not weep for their mother, however, but for the fact that their newly acquired land had to be shared.

After the ceremony, Celestia and Luna decided to talk in the dining hall and perhaps come to a negotiation. But like two insane mules, they remained stubborn, and argued through the night. (Or at least what would have been night if Celestia had been astute enough to lower the sun, and Luna had been paying attention enough to raise the moon).

After hours of pointless and vicious bickering, as well as eating freshly baked cookies, a flash of light blinded the sisters temporarily. When they could see again, they were astounded to see a patchwork creature in front of them, his crazed smile like that of a hungry lion... or a politician.

"Hello, girls. Missed me?" said Discord.

"Discord!" Celestia cried. "Help me with Luna! She says that Equestria belongs to her, when it all obviously belongs to me!"

"Do not listen to her seductive lies! Equestria is mine! I was the favored daughter!" Luna screeched.

Discord snapped his talons, and before him appeared a portion of Fausticorn's skin. He placed large reading glasses upon his nose, and chuckled as he read the document.

"As I seem to recall, dear princesses, the land has been split into two equal halves. One to Celestia, and one to Luna. Is that not a good compromise?" Discord asked.

"Of course not! Are you insane?" Luna retorted.

"Only one princess will rule!" Celestia declared.

"And that princess will be ME!" Luna boomed.

"No! It will be me!" Celestia cried.

Discord flicked his snake-like tail, an even larger and more sinister grin spreading like refined jam across his ugly mug. "I was hoping you would say that."

"What do you mean?" Celestia inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I think I can help you both in this unsolvable conundrum," said Discord.

"How so?" Luna asked with a sneer.

"What if I hired you both, say, nine mercenaries each. Then they would fight over bits of the land for you. Whoever wins the most land gets to rule Equestria. In a sense, this will be a wonderful game of offense and defense, one which I shall moderate," Discord explained.

"What an exquisite idea! I agree!" Celestia said.

"Ha! I love it! But not because my sister does!" Luna said.

"Who shall be hired for the job?" Celestia questioned.

"Ah, I have a few ponies in mind... like Twilight and her friends," Discord stated.

"But Twilight and her friends would never fight and kill! They are too... friendshippy," Luna explained, sticking her tongue out in disgust. “It’s all Celestia’s fault! She wanted them to be friends because she wants Twilight to be my replacement one day!”

“What?! You know that’s not tru-” Celestia screeched before Discord put a paw over her mouth.

"Tut, tut. No need to worry. I will clone them. Simple dark magic spell. The clones will be trained to kill, and yet still retain the girl’s basic personalities and most of their memories." said Discord.

“But, while we are fighting, who will take care of the kingdom?" Celestia asked.

"While you two are fighting, I will take care of Equestria. That way it will be fair..." Discord explained.

"Wonderful plan! There is no way this could go wrong!" Celestia cheered.

"We must get started right away! I cannot wait another minute!" Luna said. She slammed her hoof on the table.

By this time Discord's smile had grown as large as that of an absurdly rich dragon.

"Let the games begin."

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