• Member Since 23rd Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 9th, 2020

Unoriginal


Don't expect anything but disappointment, I have a knack for breaking deadlines and stuff. I'm also English... if that means anything.

T

The seas of Equestria are largely undiscovered, ponies have never felt the need to explore them.

But if a pony where to go down to that deep dark pit of blackness down there, what would he discover, and would he live to tell the tale.

But what if the creatures down there, found us first.

[Current characters will be OC for the time being, more knowable characters will enter the story at later points]

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 7 )

Fucking finally someone acknowledges sea serpents over dragons
If you are going to use oc's in the future could you use mine his name is neo deadulus

I don't want to fault-find to knock you down, believe me, but I want to give you an honest look into a reader's opinion.
Firstly, I'd like to say that you have the makings for a good story here; however, I can't say I'm intrigued.
This first chapter set that, yes, there is, in fact, a large, pony-eating sea titan out there. Yes, it can leap out of the water and consume masses of ponies in a heartbeat. All of that was very clear, but the scene was rather lack-luster. You could give us a description of what this abomination looked like as it mercilessly slaughtered Windgale's former shipmates, or perhaps you could elaborate on this nameless captain that supposedly has done a number of respectable deeds. Maybe you could just let us in as to why these ponies are on this boat in the middle of the sea. Either way, this seemed like a rough draft eager to be posted rather than a tempered and fire-wrought story forged to cut deep with tremors and fear.
There were indeed a number of comma splices and misused apostrophes throughout the entirety of it, I must say. I digress; dwelling on those elements only discourages a writer, so I'll only give you this for some matter of assistance:
"This is a proper quotation," said Sterling, calmly typing into the comment box.
Overall, this is a good story and can be better, but I am interested to see where this goes. Keep writing, friend, and I hope I proved useful for you. :twilightsmile:

4391785

Thanks for the advice.

Will take another look over it and correct up some of the errors within the story.

Also, I was kind of aiming for the first chapter to show the creature as kind of vague, and I didn't want to go into great detail about the crew as they weren't going to be around for very long.

Also, I haven't written fear stories before, so if I fail to live up to the standards, I'm sorry, I will do my utmost best to improve it in the future.

I must admit I'm also intrigued by the story, although, to draw out the drama a bit, you could have the thing move superfast or have the ponies seeing it in such a state of shock any words they'd use would be accurate, but imprecise. (In much the same vain as calling the ocean "a huge blue body of water," while true by all counts, the words do not do it justice.)

Interesting opening, but I kind of feel that the amount of description you put into the setting and the characters is a little lacking. Otherwise, interesting! I hope to see the next entry soon.

The idea of a leviathan is pretty interesting, especially one that doesn't suck up to the ponies right away! That's all this kinda has going for it tho. The whole chapter seems pretty flat, lacking in emotion that draws readers in. I recommend that you take looks at other stories, and try to feel for what makes them so interesting, or get a editor. Other's perspectives while do wonders for one's writings

As a certain League of Legends champ says..."Peer into the depths."

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