Twilight OP pls nerf

by SpiritDutch

Ponies are bad at Chapter Titles

“Welcome, everypony, to the inaugural meeting of the Ponyville chapter of the Dragon Slaying Guild.” Twilight’s voice boomed unnecessarily loudly in the confined space of her lairbrary. “Today’s meeting is to decide on a name for our organization.”

“Wow, a group decision.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “That’s uncharacteristically egalitarian of you, princess.”

“That’s ARCH-princess to you, squire Rarity.” Twilight rustled her dragon slaying armor. It was apparent to even the most fashion blind ponies in the room that Twilight must have made a blood sacrifice to the dark gods of bad style to summon the hideously gaudy barding that graced her flanks. It sparkled a disgusting pink, and always seemed to reflect light directly into your eye holes.

“I put forward the name ‘THE EXECUTIONERS’!” Pinkie was taking the whole affair completely seriously.

“That’s dumb.” Twilight said.

Fluttershy raised a hoof. “I have a sug-”

“How about ‘THE BLAZES OF GLORY’!” Rainbow Dash interjected.

“That name is so stupid that I’m demoting you from Sub-Peon to Double-Sub-Peon.” Twilight said. “Applejack needs the company anyway.”

“Ah baked pies for all us Double-Subs.” Applejack consoled Rainbow.

“It may be low of me to appeal to your vanity,” Rarity cleared her throat. “But what do you think of ‘The Twilight Knights’, or ‘The Swords of Sparkle’, or some variation on that theme.”

Twilight scrunched her nose. “I’m not gunna lie, I really like those name, and you’re right it is low of you to appeal to my vanity like that.”

Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. “Darling, your approval means everything to me.”

Fluttershy raised her hoof again. “Um, if the voting isn't closed, I have a name. I think it’s nice, and you might think it’s clever enough-”

“Two can play at that game!” Rainbow was in Rarity’s face. “And I think ‘SPARKLE’S FALLEN ANGELS’ is way more kickass!”

“Oh of course you would sink to my level.” Rarity pushed Rainbow back slightly.

“I’m rock hard baby! I do nothing but sink!” Rainbow grinned widely.

“Noice.” Twilight gave Rainbow a hoof bump.

“Dear god, the things I do for a chance at immortality.” Rarity let out a long breath. "I feel all my interactions have been cheapened since that undercurrent was revealed. It's a sour taste to know everlasting life relies on the fickleness of a childish god."

“God says you better be more chipper than that.” Twilight said.

“How about, the ‘THE FURIES of PONY VENGEANCE’!” Pinkie yelled.

“The Furries of Pony Vengeance? Inquisitor Pie, this is not that kind of organization.” Twilight snickered. Everypony began talking at once.

“Wait, did you like my suggestion better than Rarity’s?” Rainbow asked.

“Unrelated question, but is that Trixie’s horn above your mantlepiece?” Rarity pointed to Twilight fireplace.

Fluttershy mumbled. “I just remembered there’s six of us, so my name ‘The Five Fates’ doesn’t really work.”

“Wait don’t I count?” Spike, mysteriously absent from the stupidity previous, confronted Fluttershy.

“And I just remembered I hate Rarity.” Twilight mused. “And I hate Rainbow too! And Pinkie Pie’s suggestions are dumb.”

“So…” Spike raised a brow questioningly.

“So the ‘Five Fates’ it is!” Twilight beamed. “Now, let’s go kill that dragon.”

-

Everypony spilled out onto Twilight lawn. They formed a circle around their Arch-Princess, who had also bestowed upon herself the titles of Uberpaladin and Lady Master Super Sergeant.

“Why do I get the feeling that this whole thing is a game to stroke your ego?” Rarity questioned.

“Because that’s about all I do.” Twilight replied. “And now, the laser.”

Twilight turned and faced north, facing the mountain, whose inhabitant was a threat to all life in Ponyville.

“Twilight, that’s Canterlot.” Applejack pointed out.

“Oh yeah. Don't want to destroy that yet.” Twilight shrugged. “So, now the laser.”

She oriented her head West by Northwest, pointing directly towards the enormous peak bellowing black smoke into the Equestrian sky. With no leadup or warning, a ferocious purple beam lanced out from Twilight’s Horn. It instantaneously traveled the distance to the mountain, which exploded into a million pieces of rock.

“I’ve felt a great disturbance in the force.” Pinkie swayed.

“That’s probably your Eustachian Tubes.” Satisfied that the dragon inside the mountain was extremely dead, Twilight faced her team. ”The radiation from the laser has odd side effects sometimes.”

“I’m sure that won’t have any implication whatsoever on future plotlines.” Pinkie nodded in understanding.

“So, what do we do now?” Rainbow asked.

“You all get a merit point for excellence in dragon murder. Fluttershy get two because I’m fairly certain this was supposed to be her time to shine.” Twilight said. “Then again, that might just be the radiation.”

“Thanks y’all. Same time next week?” Applejack asked. Everypony cheerfully agreed, and the gang went on to mercilessly drive dragonkind to the edge of extinction.

The END?

Author's Note:

If it's wrong to laugh like an idiot at my own jokes, I never want to be right.

Comments

[Seether00]

That poor dragon

[SpiritDutch]

4921727 The cannon answer is that they crucified him, but he returned as a pony nine and a half minutes later. It was weird, so Twilight turned him back into a baby dragon. Then they crucified him again. However, he’d gained an immunity to crucifixion, so they let him off with a year of parole.

[SpiritDutch]

4921722 He died in his sleep. It was a painless end.
*A lone trumpet play Taps in the distance*
Godspeed dragon! We hardly knew thee!

[Iron Sky]

This is the dumbest thing I've read all week, and I love it!

I will definitely have to give your serious story a read, whenever I have time to sit down and read >100k words.