Twilight OP pls nerf

by SpiritDutch

Gilda Quits While She's Ahead

Pinkie Pie, undead chaotic good, was trotting along the edge of Ponyville when she spied one of her friends with a future friend. Rainbow Dash and what looked like a giant eagle-cat rested lazily on a cloud above her.

“Hey Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie yelled, and when no response came she yelled again. “Rainbow! Hey Rainbow! Rainbow!”

Dash peered over the edge of the cloud with a scowl. “Pinkie! Pinkie! Pinkie! I can hear you just fine! I was ignoring you.”

Pinkie seemed taken aback. “Why would you ignore me?”

The eagle’s head peered over. “Mis Dash and I were discussing a deal of a confidential nature.”

Dash nodded. “Gilda was-” She was interrupted by a cough from the eagled headed creature. Dash rolled her eyes. “Mis Gilda here is helping me with something.”

Gilda raised an eyebrow. I don’t think birds usually have eyebrows, but I suppose griffins do. “Do you want to take this mare into your confidences?”

Dash shrugged. “Yeah sure. She’s Pinkie Pie.”

The pegasus and the griffin descended to Pinkie’s level.

“I’m a consultant.” Gilda said matter-of-factly. “I contract for pest control.”

“Ah geez.” Pinkie said sympathetically. “Dash's got puffins in her attic again?”

“No. Bigger.” Gidla said.

“Albatross?” Pinkie asked.

“Bigger.”

“Bigger than an albatross?” Pinkie said wonderously. Albatrosses were pretty big.

Dash interceded. “About the same size as an albatross. But it’s not in my house, it’s in Ponyville.”

Pinkie considered this. “Particularly large mole rats?”

“I’ve been hired to eat Mis Twilight Sparkle, alicorn princess.” Gilda said.

“I’m not hiring you.” Dash said with a hint of aggression. “I thought we agreed you would kill her as a favor.”

“I don’t think you can eat Twilight.” Pinkie said. “I’m pretty sure she’s god.”

“A god, at best, and not a very good one.” Dash assured Gilda. “You could totally eat her.”

“That’s why I’m here.” Said Gilda. “Although her being a god will increase the price somewhat.”

While the two were arguing, Pinkie wandered off. Several hours later she remembered the exchange and decided to resolve some outstanding question.

--Transition--

As Pinkie entered the library, Twilight emerged from an adjoining room, though she was occupied by whom she was walking away from.

"Do the dishes Spike, I'm not going to ask again." She plopped down on a couch and picked up a book from beside her.

"Hiya Twilight." Pinkie said.

"Hello Pinkie." Twilight said without looking up.

“Hey Twilight, can you be eaten?” Pinkie asked.

Twilight looked up from her book long enough to shoot Pinkie a contemptuous glare. “Anything can be eaten if you try hard enough. It’s really more a question if I can be digested.”

Scenes of Gilda swallowing Twilight whole flashed in Pinkie’s vision. She felt heat rising off her cheeks. “Can you be digested then?”

“I dunno. I’ve never tried to digest myself.” Twilight replied without looking up. “Spike you better be doing the dishes, or else.”

“Ok.” Pinkie digested this information for a while. “Are you a god?”

Twilight looked up from her book completely this time. “You raise an interesting set of questions about apotheosis and the nature of the divine, none of which I feel like talking about. Suffice it to say, I haven’t seen anypony worshiping me.” She went back to reading.

Pinkie sat on that for a few minutes. “Do you poop?”

Twilight slammed her book shut. “Did you want something? Something to discuss? A deathwish perhaps?”

Pinkie shook her head. “No thanks once was enough. But I’d sure like you to meet a new friend of mine.”

--Transition--

Pinkie led Twilight into the bakery, where Rainbow Dash and Gilda were waiting. “Hello.” Gilda said.

‘A griffin eh? I thought I expelled all of you from Equestria.” Twilight said.

“You did.” Gilda agreed. “Celesta rescinded that order as soon as you left Canterlot.”

“That whore!” Twilight cried. “Wait, how did you…”

“I am Gilda." The griffin extended a claw. "And you are Mis Twilight Sparkle, alicorn princess."

Twilight look blank for a moment, then beamed, taking the claw graciously. "Yes, yes I am. You’ve heard a lot about me?”

“Yes.” Gilda said.

Twilight toyed with her mane idly. “Oh then you know all about my great works here?”

Gilda glanced towards Dash briefly. “Somewhat.”

“Wow. I guess griffins aren’t all savages.” Twilight remarked. “Maybe I shouldn’t have expelled all of you.”

Gilda once again looked to Dash. “I would have preferred it that way, but exile has provided it’s own lessons.”

“You’re a student?” Twilight asked.

“Of gastronomy.” GIlda agreed.

“That’s cool.” Twilight said half heartedly. You know, I don’t really have to eat anymore, being myself and all, so I’m not big into the gastronomic arts.”

“Ok.”

“In the seventh grade I accidentally turned one of my playmates into a mini-singularity, and the only way to stop it was to eat it. It’s one of my lesser known times of saving creation. So I have a black hole in my stomach now.”

“Ok.”

“Sometimes I threaten to eat Spike if he’s behaving particularly badly, but I don’t think I could keep him from being deatomized by the singularity, so it’s mostly an empty threat. But who knows, one day I might snap. Speaking of which, I wonder if he did the dishes….”

“Ok.”

“On the whole it effects me less than you would expect, but smaller side effects include ionized burps, and farts causing fluctuations in the gravimetric threads of the universe.”

“Ok.”

“Unfortunately, the ion radiation burps are not nearly enough to vaporize a target, so I’m thinking of replacing the singularity with a mid-sequence star. I’d totally be able to do a nuclear breath thing then.”

“Ok.”

Twilight saw about to continue but stopped. “That’s probably the longest anypony’s ever let me ramble.”

“I’m not a pony.” Gilda said.

“Oh no, you’re better.” Twilight smiled slightly. “If you want anything, let me know and I’ll hook you up.”

Gilda consider this for a moment. “May I eat you?”

“Inadvisable.” Twilight said. “Although it’s as smooth as the finest silk, my skin is as adamantine. Maybe if you try hard enough. I taste really good.”

“No thank you.” Gilda said, slightly disappointed. Oh well, she thought, it was worth a shot. “Can you make me immortal?”

Twilight shrugged. “Sure.” And without notice, Gilda was basked in a purple golden light. The griffin was lifted slightly off her paws and claws by energies unseen, then released. She toppled forward.

“I can feel it!” Gilda said, eyes alight. “I’ve shrugged off the mortal chains! I now stand outside the wheel of fate!”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Twilight said. “You still have bodily functions.”

But gilda was already gone, having taken to the skies eastbound. Twilight waved at the rapidly shrinking griffin. “What a great gal.” She looked back to see the enraged face of Rainbow Dash.

“I want to kill you even more now.” Dash said slowly, so as to control her volume. “You just made my only friend in the world immortal. She doesn’t need me anymore.”

"Maybe just maybe, if you wanted to keep her as a friend, you shouldn't have asked her to kill omnipotent alicorn princess." Pinkie remarked. "Your plan wasn't all that well thought out."

“She left in quite a hurry. Does she know something that I don’t?” Twilight asked. “Should I leave too?”

Dash squeezed her eyes shut. “Why?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why? WHY?” Why does everything have to be about you?” Dash challenged. “Why don’t you have the least bit of respect for anypony?”

“She wasn’t a pony Dash, she was a griffin.”

“ANSWER THE QUESTION!”

Twilight sighed. “Because it just is. This world was literally envisioned, designed, and built just for me. I don’t know by whom, and I don’t know why, but it was fate from the very first that I be born, and take this existence to shape it as my own.”

“Really?”

Twilight let out a groan. “Really no. Are you stupid? Who would create a universe with ponies as ungrateful as you lot.”

“Are you super sure you don’t think you’re a god?” Pinkie asked.

“Are you kidding.” Twilight “Of course I’m a god. I’m awesome.”

With those words, she disappeared. A few seconds later, a great angry roar of earth shaking proportions resonated from the library, and every dish and plate in Ponyville vanished without a trace.

Author's Note:

Is this really what I do with my free time? What is this? What is my life?

Comments

[Dragacane]

I just saw the name of the story and I lost it. This is something I will read.

[Seether00]

Nice to see Gilda being the smart one. And now immortal, so score!

Is this really what I do with my free time? What is this? What is my life?

As a fellow writer, it's best not to think about it.

[Telaros]

10/10 Best description.

Fucking off now. Bye.

[nemryn]

"Maybe just if you wanted to keep her as a friend, you shouldn't have asked her to kill omnipotent alicorn princess." Pinkie remarked. "Your plan wasn't all that well thought out."

Yep, that sounds about right.

[RedvsBlue327]

Jeez, judging by the author notes, is this story really that unpleasant to make?
I'm having tons of fun with it, but I have to ask why the author would bother if he didn't like it.