Hive on the Mind
It had been almost two weeks since the zebra had appeared in Ponyville’s plaza, and the striped creature still had not moved. She did not eat, or sleep, or react to anything besides limply staring at ponies as they crossed her vision.
The zebra was a monument: Unmoved, unshakable, unblinking, it stood testament to that one time the Ponyvillians formed a lynch mob and almost committed a hate crime. But the Ponyvillians couldn’t be blamed for their actions. Could anypony? It really depends on one’s belief in free will.
Off to the side of the plaza, at the gourmet cafe, the gang sat around a table eating their brunch.
Rarity and Fluttershy had simple salads, though Fluttershy hadn’t done much other than look at hers. Rainbow Dash had a club sandwich, and Applejack had a hoagie roll sandwich: They two eyed each other's sandwiches covetously, which slowly transformed into blushes as they realized how much it looked like they were eyeing each other’s desirable bodies.
“Uh… I was just looking at your sandwich, I swear!” Rainbow blurted out. “I definitely wasn’t looking at any part of you. I wouldn’t even be looking anywhere near it if it wasn’t behind the sandwich.”
Applejack stared at her.
“You’ve seen me looking at sandwiches before. I look at them all the time. There’s nothing about looking at sandwiches that means I would also look at your plot.” Rainbow continued. “If anything the phallic shape of the sandwich would mean that-”
“Rainbow, Rainbow.” Rarity put a hoof on Rainbow’s shoulder. “What are you doing?”
“I- I’m just complementing Applejack’s sandwich. There’s nothing gay about that.”
Rarity sighed. “I think we all understand that, Rainbow, but thank you anyway. Applejack, perhaps you’d like to complement Rainbow’s sandwich in return?”
Applejack pulled her hat a little closer and pretended not to hear.
“Amazing job, Applejack.” Rarity nodded. “Now, Rainbow Dash, please open your mouth and insert your hoof. Yes, just like that, all the way up. Now nopony will have to cringe at every word you speak anymore. No, please continue: Gagging lets us know it’s working.”
Pinkie Pie had brought a bowl of whipped cream to eat.
Rarity felt the need to involve herself again. “Pinkie darling, don’t you think bringing a bowl of whipped cream to our brunch is flaunting the spirit of the get-together?”
Pinkie’s eyes darted around. “There’s a spirit here? Like a ghosty? A spirit of get togethers? Who is it?! So many ponies have died during my parties I couldn’t even guess!”
“One: You’re the pony dies the most at your parties. Two: You knew what I meant.” Rarity huffed.
“So you’re asking me if I realize the error in bringing this bowl full of whipped cream?” Pinkie asked.
“Correct.” Rarity clarified.
“Nope! Cause that’ be just silly. I’d be leaving my bowl of whipped cream at home unsupervised and who knows what kind of trouble it could get into.” Her giggly laughter descended into quiet mumbles. “And somepony might take it. They’ll take my whipped cream away from me. I don’t like that. I don’t like that.” Pinkie pulled the bowl a little closer.
“I thought Pinkie was lactose sensitive.” Rainbow Dash said, having pulled her hoof out of her mouth.
Ignoring Rainbow, Rarity forged on with her argument. “I hear that during a luncheon or such, one should reinforce the idea that they are connected to the others. Buying carefully prepared food that you can’t get at home is the purest expression of friendship.”
Rainbow Dash, trying to work one in after being ignored, made a quick quip. “You had to read that socializing is supposed to be friendly? Sounds like you’re quoting somepony’s marketing tagline.”
“Y’all’re dumb.” Applejack mumbled. “Let Pinkie eat whipped cream. It ain’t our place to assert our agency over her.”
“But what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t offer advice to my awkward, misanthropic friends?” Rarity smiled cheerfully. “Isn’t that right, Pinkie.”
“Applejack’s not right, but so are you not right you are.” Pinkie paused to recalculate the construction of that sentence. She shook her head and continued. “None of us have agency. We just do what’s written.” Pinkie scooped another spoonful of whipped cream. “I eat to make me forget the pain, but that’s not my choice.”
Rarity nodded. “And I am saying that you could at least be a bit accommodating of your friends while you’re doing that. Choice citation of deterministic philosophy is hardly an excuse.”
“No, I mean it’s literally not me doing this.” Pinkie slowly moved the spoonful of cream towards her mouth. “See? I can’t stop it!” She opened her mouth and imbibed the whipped cream. “None of that was my choice! I would have eaten it anyway, but it was still forced on me.”
Rainbow cocked her head. “Was it forced if you wanted it?”
“Let’s not go down that path y’all.” Applejack growled.
Fluttershy snapped out of her fugue. “I don’t want to talk about it either. Every discussion we have becomes either an argument, or stupid and pointless. The best way to be friends with each other is not talk at all.”
“And what do y’all propose? Wanna go for tea at y’all’s place and worship your front door for a couple’a hours?” Applejack deadpanned.
“Applejack, why would you crush Fluttershy like that when she speaks up so infrequently.” Rarity chastised.
“Cause like she said herself anything we say is stupid and pointless. Her pointin that out ain’t any less a non-contribution to the discussion. It’s just bein a nagger.”
Rarity narrowed her eyes, like she detected something not quite right about what Applejack had said, but stopped it with a muted sigh. “We are all in such fouls sorts this morning, and it isn’t even Monday.”
“Mondays are fine. I don’t know why everypony harps on Mondays.” Rainbow Dash said.
“I wasn’t saying that to establish my opinion on Mondays. I was speaking idiomatically.” Rarity shot back.
“Your point was already made though. You didn’t have to add the bit about Mondays if you didn’t feel strongly about Mondays.” Rainbow crossed her hooves. “Checkmate, I rest my case.”
“My favorite day is May the first!” Pinkie interjected. She smeared whipped cream on her top lip to shape a vague moustachio. “Viva la revolution.”
“Thank you for that contribution, Pinkie Pie.” Rarity clopped her hooves sarcastically.
Fluttershy sighed. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be so negative. I’ll feel better after I eat.” But then she made no move to eat her salad.
Everypony knew the real source of their anxieties: Twilight Sparkle would be showing up soon. Or at least she was supposed to be showing up, but she was now over an hour late. Usually, being away from the insanely narcissistic god-princess was the greatest fortune anypony could wish for, but Twilight not being somewhere was in its own way far more terrifying: Twilight had found something more interesting to torment than her friends, and that was never good news.
“What Fluttershy was trying to say was that instead of talking, we should do something!” Rainbow, having resolved her bi-sandwich curiosity, had begun taking too-large bites out of her club. The sight of the pegasus talking with her mouth full made everypony cringe. “Like, when we were about to horribly mutilate that zebra. That brought us together!”
“Um, I’d rather not. Not do anything, I mean. I don’t like doing things, not even hate crimes.” Fluttershy sighed. “Applejack was right. I want to go home.”
“But darling you haven’t even touched your salad.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Then why did you order it?”
“Because everypony was looking at me, expecting me to say something, and I didn’t want to disappoint the waiter by saying I wasn’t hungry.” Fluttershy whimpered. “I’ll take it home for Angel.”
“Or your crazy eldritch door.” Pinkie added helpfully, and probably more truthfully.
They sat in silence for a few minutes.
“Do you think Twilight loves Luna?” Rainbow Dash prompted.
“The heck kinda question is that?” Applejack balked.
“A very inappropriate one. The marital affairs of our alicorn overlords is hardly our business.” Rarity tisked. “But just between us, I should say not. I doubt Twilight can even understand the concept of love.”
“Whoa. Harsh.” Pinkie said between mouthfulls of whipped cream. “If somepony hugged her, she wouldn’t be happy?”
“I’m in no position to speculate about alicorn biology or their endorphin release from socialization.” Rarity shrugged. “But I know that mentally Twilight is a stunted little foal. I warrant that she stopped developing emotionally the second she gained her god powers in her youth. The way she treats others, death, creation, love and sexuality, and herself… It’s all the way a child acts.”
“Dang.” Applejack whistled. Rarity made a lot of sense. “Y’all’re right I think.”
Rainbow agreed. “Man I hate kids. It totally explains it if we’ve been dealing with a pony still living through her terrible twos.”
Pinkie tapped her chin thoughtfully, then spoke up. “Counterargument: Twilight eats her peas. Little fillies hate eating their peas. Ergo Twilight not a filly.”
Applejack grunted. “How long y’all been searchin for an excuse to use ‘ergo’ inna sentence?”
Pinkie grinned. “Like four months.”
“Hey don’t ignore us. Like how are we going to deal with Twilight being a babby-brain?” Rainbow demanded. “Can we still be friends with her?”
“I don’t see how anything’s gunna change.” Applejack shrugged. “Just ‘cause she’s childish don’t make her a literal child, Dash.”
“It’s not statutory based on mental age anyway.” Fluttershy spoke up, then wilted under everyone’s baffled looks. “I- It was in a story I read once, about ancient magical princesses with filly bodies who fight evil.”
“You mean real life?” Rarity quirked a brow.
“I’m not talking about that anyway, obviously.” Rainbow laughed hollowly. “I meant it’d be totally lame to be friends with a baby. Babies can’t do sick tricks.”
“She’s not that young, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity admonished. “But come to think of it, I don’t know how old Twilight really is.”
“She never keeps it straight is why. She says 20 one day, 20,000 the next, but it don’t make a lick’a difference. Twilight’s a bit…” Applejack gestured, trying to explain the concept. “Well it’s mighty difficult to explain.”
“Un-constant.” Rainbow contributed.
“Inconsistent.” Rarity agreed.
“I was gunna say the opposite. She’s static.” Applejack shook her head. “Ya can’t nail down her opinions on anything cause she never develops them. You can expect her to be weird, sometimes mean, and always feelin sorry fer herself. In that way she's static, see.”
The gang mulled over the implications of the two models for Twilight-ish behavior.
“I can’t even tell if she likes us.” Fluttershy sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know if I like her.”
“She annoys the crap out of me and I’d be totally happy if she went away forever and stopped bothering us.” Rainbow took an angry bite of her sandwich. “But at the same time I want to be a part of the crazy stuff that happens around her. Not like I have a choice, as she enjoys reminding us.”
Everypony nodded mutely.
Rainbow tapped the table. “Loopty-looping back to my question, do you think Twilight loves Luna?”
“Every way I look at it, their ‘relationship’ is creepy as heck.” Applejack waved the waiter over to have her glass of water refilled. “Luna’s just like a filly herself, though it’s more that she regressed while moonside. Can you imagine what it was like gettin the evil ripped outta ya by the Elements of Harmony, and the next morning getting pushed into that crazy wedding.”
“I was mostly sober the whole time and I still look back on that wedding with…” Rarity cleared her throat. “Mixed feelings of shock and horror. The poor darling must must have been traumatized.”
“I’m not asking about Luna’s trauma, though if I was I’d agree it’d be way big. Big, big trauma.” Rainbow snorted. “But I’m asking if Twilight loves Luna. One sentence answer go!”
“As much as she is capable of loving anything, which is not much.” Rarity shrugged.
“Eh…” Applejack nodded side to side indecisively.
“I love Twilight, and I love Luna, so by the commutative property Twilight loves Luna!” Pinkie giggled. Everyone stared at her with looks that said ‘ that’s not what we’re talking about, don’t derail the discussion ‘, but Pinkie continued to hum obviously.
Fluttershy sighed. “Twilight’s really needy. She loves, craves, and needs Luna. Luna, as much as she fears Twilight, needs Twilight back. I don’t want to say their relationship is unhealthy-”
Applejack burst out laughing. “Hardly needs sayin girl. I seen sturdier relationships on jenga towers in quicksand. Ya don’t commit yourself bodily and mentally to a mare because they comfort yer wild neurosis.”
“I think you are all making the fatal mistake of applying normal rules to Twilight Sparkle.” Rarity sipped from her water.
The waiter trotted up to the table carrying a covered platter. He set it at the empty seat and stepped back.
“Pardon me, but who is that for?” Rarity queried.
“The princess.” The waiter said.
The chair pulled out and Twilight Sparkle appeared upon it with a wet magical pop. “Hi girls. Sorry to keep you waiting.”
Everypony’s eyes shifted around guiltily. They hoped upon hope Twilight’s near omniscient senses hadn’t picked up on their conversation.
“Twilight, darling so good to see you.” Rarity gave a forced laugh. “I hope the hour since this lunch was supposed to start were spent productively.”
“Oh you bet!” Twilight nodded, then motioned to the waiter.
The waiter pulled the cover off the platter, revealing a teeming mass of bulbous winged insects. Buzzing in agitation, the swarm launched in every direction, chirring and gnashing their oversized teeth. Everypony besides Twilight screamed in surprise and panic.
“Rarity, remember when I offered to show you some parasprites? Well here we go!” Twilight cackled madly. She hopped up on the table, kicking plates and glasses aside, and began launching magic bolts into the sky. Clumps of burning parasprite fell to the ground all around them.
--
Half an hour later, and the last of the parasprites had been crisped.
Rarity was looking miserable, laying her head on the table trying not to think about her now bedraggled mane. Pinkie was licking the last dollops of cream out of her bowl and Rainbow Dash was eating Applejack’s sandwich. Fluttershy was missing, and Applejack had just up and left.
Twilight had piled a dozen well-cooked parasprites on her plate and was devouring them with gusto. “Parasprite is best eaten fresh, but you have to be careful. They can limp away if they’re anything less than well done.” She said. “Aren’t you going to have any Rarity?”
Rarity lifted her head slightly. “Sorry darling, I just ate.”
Twilight was crestfallen. “Oh… I mean I got them for you. I was pretty late I guess.” She went back to munching.
Rainbow nudged Rarity and whispered to her. “Hey, don’t you want to ask her?”
“Hmm? Oh yes. Ahem, Twilight, are you going to do something about all the ponies the parasprites ate?”
Twilight looked around the plaza, where there were bit and pieces of pony that the utterly horrific parasprites had left from their predation. The zebra was still standing in front of the fountain, staring back at her judgingly.
“Of course I will. That’s my top priority.” Twilight nodded emphatically. “Remind me again after lunch, if you don’t mind.” She shifted her gaze a bit to Rainbow Dash, who was giving her strange and speculative looks. “Would you like some parasprite Rainbow?”
“Uh, we had a different question in mind. We were wondering… because you see earlier we were talking about stuff and such as….” Rainbow rubbed her shoulder nervously. “We were wondering about Luna. What’s she like?”
Pinkie butted in and abandoned all subtlety. “Do you love her a lot, or a little?”
Twilight’s brow furrowed. “You’re asking me if I love my wife?”
“Uh…” Rainbow waffled. “I- I guess so.”
Twilight pursed her lips, and after a minute of silent thought, shrugged. “I’m the only pony she feels comfortable telling the truth around. In Canterlot with Celestia, she’s always tip-toeing around etiquette and her sister’s fragile feelings. I give her language lessons, I listen to her thoughts about the world, and I show her affection, and in exchange she tolerates me, idiosyncrasies and all. Maybe it’s not love, but you can see it from here.”
It was a remarkably warm answer from a pony eating a plateful of charred parasprites.
“Idiosyncrasies?” Rarity sat up. “T- That’s…” She squirmed and scowled. “No. I refuse to believe you! There’s no evidence that you believe anything you just said. We’ve seen how you use and abuse Luna!”
Twilight scoffed. “Can’t understand our relationship, Rarity? That’s fine.” She took a crunchy bite of parasprite. “But obviously I wasn’t giving the whole picture, for politeness' sake.”
“Ah ha!” Rarity grinned triumphantly. “Reveal to us the horrible truth!”
“I’ve gotta confess, Luna’s pretty cute. All the better that she’s pretty cute for me. It’s not so bad that my politically expedient marriage is also a union of the two most darling ponies in Equestria, is it?” Twilight smiled wistfully into the distance, then soured a bit. “Honestly Rarity, if I were somepony else I’d be pretty annoyed at you. It’s not nice to try to pry into a relationship like that.”
Rarity lay her head own again in defeat.
Pinkie Pie’s curiosity got the better of her and she leaned over to snatch a parasprite off Twilight’s plate. She took a modest bite off its wing and an explosion of color filled her eyes. She lost all sense of balance and she fell forward on the table, drooling and whimpering.
“Whoa whoa!” Rainbow ran around the table to her friend’s aide. “Pinkie are you okay? Pinkie?”
“Oh yeah I should have mentioned parasprite is a STRONG hallucinogenic.” Twilight giggled, slicing off a portion of the bulbous insect and popping it into her mouth. “I’m high as balls right now.”
“Marvelous. Let’s all pray you don’t remember that conversation we just had in a soberer moment.” Rarity mumbled. She eyed the parasprite, wondering if the fantastical places it could take her were better or worse than Twilight Sparkle’s equestria.
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Almost a year since the last chapter, and my sense of humor hasn't improved at all.
Come on Hasbro! The community has had enough of getting cheesed by Twilight! And don't even get me started on Starlight!!
CAN WE HABE NERF PLS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Also, can we can an Applejack buff while we're at it? She isn't very effective, especially against "Character development"-level bosses
7826196
Hasn't gotten worse.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNKK!!!!! Twilight is Dank.
#Highasballz
7826196 it lives! LIVES!
And believe me, your humour is just fine ;P
.....You have my attention.
Will this ever be continued?
9099749
Sure why not. Check back tomorrow.
9100483
Okay
My only comment on this would consists of me wonder what the actual fuck Twilight is seeing in her parsprite induced hallucination were I not too afraid to ask.