• Member Since 11th May, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 31st, 2018

MasterZadok


A self-taught writer, I have written a couple short stories for college and would love your critiques and feedback to help in my goal of going from writer to author.

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Set between the season four premere and finale, this story follows the account of one of the most advanced assaults upon Ponyville.
Pegasi pirates, from the war-torn northern territories, know that the only real peace in this world is that of superior firepower. Now, starving and desperate for their next target, stories reach their ears that the wealthy and peaceful town of Ponyville has surrendered the Elements of Harmony. Armed with the most powerful airship ever constructed by pegasi, Captain Meyers sets his sites on the little town. Yet, perhaps even his years of war and strategy cannot prepare him for what he finds waiting for him and soon, a game of shadows and backstabbers threaten to consume him and blot Ponyville from the map.

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 14 )

So. This is your first story you posted up?

4384129 Yes, it is. I'm new to Fimfiction, but I've written a couple stories before this.

Since I doubt the rest of my family would appreciate me spending my time writing pony stories, I figured this would be the best place to get some constructive criticism.

Thank you for favoriting the story! :yay:
I hope you enjoy it!

4384807 I see that you've got quite a selection of groups that you follow. If you have any tips on who else might like this story or what groups I should share it on, that would be awesome!

In the meantime, I'll try and finish this story. I've got a pretty good pace going.

Does anypony believe that I should re-tag this as a "teen" story, since I wanted the theme to feel weighty and the vernacular to feel mature?

Alright, that last chapter bumped it up to rated: teen.

It's been one week. (and no, I'm not talking about the song by the Barenaked Ladies)
One week and 26k words. Thank you to everyone who followed and faved! This has really shown me just what i'm capable of.

i can't wait to start more stories!

I..I..love ur story

Why is this so perfect!!

Dude, I love your work! It's so alive. You describe small detail really well, which is something that about 10% of the fanfics I read these days can actually do. Sure, a lot of people think that details get in the way of talking, but hey, I personally think a story should be more than a detailed script :P Let's just say that I got right into reading Aurora, no problems at all! I'm not done yet, but I'm thinking that finishing it will be just as rewarding.

If critique is what you're after, then there are a few things I could mention! Firstly, I always thought that you spelled pony types with capital letters (Pegasus, not pegasus). Not sure why I do, but hey, just mentioning! Second thing, a lot of your characters sound similar when they talk; maybe you could try working different speech patterns in, or maybe an Austrian or Russian accent or something just to spice it up a bit. Working a personality into a character's voice can be hard, but, if you got that down you'd be a lot closer to being perfect as far as I'm concerned! And the last thing is that I noticed a couple of minor things, spacing and quotation marks, which I think some kind of editor or proofreader could help you with. Let me know if you need one and you're having trouble finding one, I'd love to help someone who can write a story this well :twilightsmile:

Anyway, good luck with your next project, mate! I for one hope you've got more coming c:

4579785 Well, thank you for the compliments! Honestly, I just want to tell a story that people can enjoy and it means worlds to me whenever someone actually takes the time to say something. Thanks!
Definitely, I'm always looking for critiques and you bring some real sense of detail to the table!
I've been writing as a (serious) hobby, meaning that I want to be a writer some day, but that means understanding my strengths and weaknesses. I know that too much writing detail was my vice in the past and I know that I've tried going bare-minimum also (with limited results). That's to say that I'm trying to find a balance and some people have said that my writing reads like how a comic book looks. (fine by me... :twilightsmile:)
I think I noticed Microsoft Word trying to tell me that "pegasus" should be "Pegasus", but I think that's because "Pegasus" was the Greek myth's name and not necessarily it's species. So, like "human" I just went with lower-case. It's probably just preference at this point.
Thanks, also, for pointing out character's speech patterns.-
'Oi could prob'ly type loik this 'an git the roit talk'in sound, but moi collage prof. said 'oi should keep 'way 'o that, 'cause it gits 'ard to unnerstand an' reed..-
Instead, he said that I should try to rely on vernacular alone to give a character their voice. It's a weak point for me, though, because they all have the same vocabulary as me, the writer. :twilightsheepish:
Despite by best efforts, I couldn't catch an editor, so that's why the punctuation errors.

But, as for the story,
"Share and enjoy!" -A silly slogan of a fictional company in a ridiculous English comedic book series.

Thank you again! :twilightsmile:

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