One Shot of Vengeance

Troll Physics in Cheerilee's Classroom

By Formerly Known as Queue

Cheerilee’s schoolhouse loomed in the distance like an executioner’s filthy gallows, or it would have if Diamond Tiara hadn’t pulled an all-nighter to finish her homework on pony magic, which had been assigned a week ago. Her eyes were surrounded by bulbous, black rings of exhaustion and pooled blood, but in spite of her lack of sleep, hasty grooming, and crooked tiara, she walked with a skip in her step.

“So, Diamond, did you finish your essay last night?” Silver Spoon joined Diamond Tiara’s side, occasionally sneaking a surreptitious flank bump as they walked. In the past she had blamed it on the disgusting, uneven, rural roads of podunk Ponyville.

“No thanks to you. Some friend you are, ” Diamond said.

“I couldn’t help it! I only had one copy of my notes and daddy grounded me for getting an F on my last assignment. I’d have helped if I could.”

“Yeah, well, I had to ask Twist for her notes. It’s fine now, but I’ve never been more humiliated.” Diamond’s withers shuddered, a wave a nausea coursed through body. “The only thing that could have made it worse was if those dumb blank flanks had seen me.”

Silver tentatively lay a sympathetic hoof on her friend’s back. “Well, at least it’s over now, right? We’ll turn in our papers and get ice cream on the way home.”

“Yeah. Cheerilee’s going to be so impressed with mine! I can’t wait to rub my A in Sweetie Belle’s dorky face!”

“No doubt!” Silver laughed a little bit harder than appropriate. “The look on her face when you rub your A in her dorky face will be sooo funny!”

The pair raised up on their forelegs and bumped their rumps. Silver was extremely happy.

Diamond Tiara
2/2/1001
Miss Cheerilee’s Schoolhouse

Pony magic comes from many different things. The biggest thing is our heads are big so we have to make them lighter to stand. We use something called nukular fusion to make something called helium which is like really really light. The helium goes to the tops of our heads and helps us balance. That’s why ponies fall down when they get hit in the head and why Sweetie Belle’s voice squeaks so much.

Nukular fusion makes lots and lots and lots of energy. The energy gets turned into magic, and then we need to use it or bad things happen. When earth ponies get too full they start acting like Pinkie Pie. When Pegasi get too full their flight farts become uncontrollable and they can explode like a zeppelin. When unicorns get too full they cast want-it-need-it spells on ugly dolls and make the whole town go crazy.

Just between us earth ponies, I really don’t think we need to keep the pegasi or the unicorns around anymore, do you, Miss Cheerilee? They just cause trouble and break our favorite things with their ugly extra parts. Who wants to fly or cast magic anyway? My daddy says we’d be much better off with a sensible earth pony on the throne.

Anyway, bigger heads make more helium which makes more magic. Princess Celestia has the biggest head and that’s why she’s powerful enough to move the sun. Princess Luna’s head is only big enough to move the moon. Sometimes ponies’ heads get bigger when they study. That’s why Princess Twilight turned into a princess. The only thing I don’t understand is why I’m not a princess yet because everyone always tells me I have a giant head full of hot air. Is being a princess like that puberty thing?

In conclusion ponies use brain farts to stand and make magic. Your lesson was really interesting and I enjoyed it a lot, Miss Cheerilee. Please continue to be my favorite, most wonderful ever teacher. Your hair always looks nice, and you can do better than Applebloom’s doofy brother.

After school, Twist sat at her desk, working on her homework. This was her usual habit because she liked being able to ask Cheerilee questions without interruptions. If not for Twist Cheerilee would be grading the day’s assignments in the comfort of her home with a bottle of fine wine and a supersized meal from McWhey’s Greastaurant. Instead she was sober in the drafty schoolhouse and sitting on an old, government issue chair, which bruised her haunches if she sat in it long enough.

Cheerilee looked at the clock on the wall. In an hour she’d be able to close the school without getting in trouble with the litigious school board. She sighed, and went back to grading. Dinky got a B. Pinchy got a C. Scootaloo got a D. Silver Spoon got an A. Diamond… Tiara…

Cheerilee stared wide eyed at Diamond Tiara’s paper. Never before in her life had she seen a paper as… creatively stupid as this one was. Oh, she was accustomed to Diamond’s obnoxious shenanigans: her blatant racism, how she routinely insulted her classmates, how she always tried to brown nose her way into a passing grade… But this was something new.

Reading the essay was like staring paralyzed into the lights of an oncoming train, she couldn’t move, she couldn’t think. She could only wait for the awful realization to hit her, the realization of how much time had been wasted on Diamond Tiara.

This was the first time Cheerilee ever seriously considered giving up on a student, but this was it, the paper that broke Cheerilee’s spirit. The thought of being Diamond’s teacher for five more years was too much.

A noise, the clearing of a small filly’s throat, interrupted Cheerilee’s ruminations. She looked up at Twist’s grinning face. Something was unnatural about it, Twist’s smile was too wide, too toothy.

“Problem, Mithh Cheerilee?”

Author's Note:

I was thinking about pony anatomy and how implausible it is, and then some weird, troll physics fanon appeared in my ~~helium containment unit~~ brain. I knew I had to use it, and somehow I ended up writing a story about Twist being awesome.

What am I even doing with my life?