Kyle Brofloski wakes up in the magical land of Equestria, where no pony has ever heard someone drop an F bomb before. Lets hope he doesn't screw things up...
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 18th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 22nd, 2023
MittenPatty
I like to write. If I didn't, I wouldn't have an account on fimfiction. GUH-DUUUUHH
MittenPatty
Joined 18th Apr, 2014 ·
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Wall of text. Me eyes burn.
My major complaint is that it didn't have the South Park feel to it. It just had Kyle in Equestria--no crude jokes, no social satire, just Kyle saying "OMFG I'm a pony". I'm sure you're planning to add that stuff but it would've been smarter to wait to publish until you had a complete feeling crossover.
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static.squarespace.com/static/5139fb4fe4b01b4441c75538/t/527d1d65e4b035716a7647aa/1383931245657/Tear_Down_This_Wall.jpg
4380535
I'll try to fix that, don't worry.
I just think that most of the crude humor comes from Cartman, and Kyle is there to keep him out of trouble.( Or at least try too ) I think of Kyle as a pretty responsible kid ( sometimes lol ) and that's why he's my favorite.
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I'm sure you will try to fix it. My problem is that when you first publish a story, that is your shot at really impressing people. When you release a new chapter, then it is mostly people who favorited it to begin with coming back to take another look. Your first publish should get readers interested in the story enough to want to keep an eye out for updates. I don't feel like this story has accomplished that. If you needed to add another 5,000 words to allow readers to know what your story is really about, then that's what you should have done. I don't think this is a bad story--I just think it's a bad publishing schedule.
The first paragraph shifts from 1st person and 3rd person. You might want to clarify that. Also he would be a colt not a stallion, a stallion is an adult horse/pony.
Kyle may be a Jew but he's not really religious so he can say "Thank God" or whatever. Since you ask about Judaism, I would like to point out that Jews disregard the use of "Jehovah". Jehovah is the Latin translation (or mistranslation) of the ancient Hebrew word for god (YHVH or Yaweh) , which was sacred and could not be pronounced except once a year. So long story short most Jews today use "Adonai" instead.
No need to apologize if you offended anyone, it's freaking south park.
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)
Okay, thank you!
BTW it wasn't in 1st person, that was just what he was THINKING. It would be kinda weird for him to be doing that in 3rd person. ( Like Trixie
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Well, I guess because I saw him better as an Earth pony.
I would think of Cartman being a unicorn, then using his powers to screw everyone over.
That scene between AJ and Kyle. I so didn't see that one coming. Keep going.
Us southerners sure do love doing it with our cousins and siblings.
Interesting!
... Clothes...
... Rarity...
... Poor Kyle.
The poor one will scream...
and will be silenced.
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Maybe...
Interesting.
4380535
Tear it good.
Classic South Park style humor. You feel bad for laughing at it, but you still find it funny.
Thoughts should be written in italics, just so you know.
4504014
yeah, sorry about that. I fixed it in a newer story.
that was a awesome story.
4513046
Why thank you
An enjoyable read. Thank you.
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Your welcome! Also cool profile pic!
4565350 Thanks
sequel? o3o