The hallway seemed to stretch on forever in either direction. Doors lined each side, each door just a few feet away from the one next to it. Each door was red, a garish bloody red. The tile floor beneath him was a soulless beige. The walls were off white, and the ceiling was utterly unremarkable.
He opened the door that he stood beside and looked in. Inside, there was a white earth pony filly foal with pink and blue hair… And she was about to get a Hearts and Hooves Day card from a midnight blue with white dapples pegasus colt. Noctilucent gasped in horror, seeing the painful memory that he so hated.
He slammed the door and stood breathing heavily.
He began to walk down the hall, sucking in wind, trying to calm himself.
This was not a pleasant place to be he suspected.
Fearing what he might see, Noctilucent opened another door.
Inside, he saw a room, a room he knew. There were flowers in vases all around, sad ponies stood about, and on a table at the other end of the room, there was a small silver urn with a photograph of a old grey haired mare.
This was the funeral of Noctilucent’s grandmare, the place he first began to truly understand that he was alone in a crowd, as none of the ponies here could comfort him. They had all been strangers. He had been raised by his grandmare, his mother having abandoned him while he was young. He moved into the room. It was better than the long hall. It was depressing and bleak, but in here, there was something.
He could see his younger self, a colt, in that awkward age where he wasn’t quite an adult, not yet, but he wasn’t a colt foal either. That troublesome in between stage that makes life so painful and awkward.
“Real shame about what happened. First his mother, then his grandmare, poor colt is going to grow up troubled,” a relative said.
“The real shame was his mother killing herself. Being a single mother is bad, but it isn’t anything to kill yourself over, what a damn shame,” the other relative said.
Noctilucent froze.
Did he know this? Or was this simply just a dream? Dreams came from what you knew, or so he understood, either that, or Princess Luna was having a go at him. His mind reeled.
Strained carrots aside, Princess Luna had shown no real interest in actually torturing him. So this couldn’t be her messing with his head. She wouldn’t do that. Not like this. She loved him, and kept saying so. She wanted the hurt to end. At least, she kept saying she wanted the hurt to end.
No. He must have heard it being said when he was young and then he had simply repressed it or not made a mental connection. He began to back away, moving towards the door. He slipped quietly back out into the hallway and gently shut the door.
The hallway stretched endlessly in either direction. Behind each door was horror, of this there could no longer be any doubt. There was no way out of the hall, so he was going to have to go into a door and somehow face whatever was behind them.
Or wake up.
Somehow, Noctilucent knew that waking up wasn’t going to be easy.
He trotted down the hall looking both left and right, hoping to see some variation in the doors. There were none. Blood red door, brass latches easily kicked open with a hoof.
He opened one door and peered inside. There he was, in the dentist’s chair. He stared in horror, smelling smoke from the drill boring into his tooth, and heard the high pitched whine of the drill motor. He could see the restraints on his legs and the dentist leaning into his work. He could hear his own muffled screaming.
He slammed the door violently.
Nope.
The long hallway stretched ever onward, and Noctilucent was no closer to escaping. He began to feel a dreadful sense of apprehension, not actually wanting to open up any more doors. Behind every door something terrible lurked, something awful awaiting no matter which door he opened.
He opened another door and found himself peering into a room. He gasped, and blushed in embarrassment. On the bed was a naked supine unicorn mare, beckoning to his younger self. His drunken younger self. He had paid quite a few bits for her services. She was now trying to lure his younger self into her bed, her mare flesh crusted over from earlier customers. He saw his younger self cut and run, fleeing the room as fast as he could, virginity still intact.
Noctilucent softly shut the door and and stood in the hallway. This wasn’t getting any easier. He couldn’t imagine what he might have to do in there to get past the room somehow and find a way out of this endless corridor.
He proceeded down the hall and opened another door. He stuck his head inside. The room was dark. He walked inside, squinting his eyes, trying to see.
He saw himself in his old bed, a colt once again. He was hiding under the blanket, trembling. And he knew what he was afraid of too. He crossed the room, closed the closet door, went to window, and then he closed the blinds, the horrible claw like tree branch outside no longer visible.
Nothing happened.
The door to leave the room was gone. There was only the closet door. Noctilucent began to curse softly. So much for this being easy. He stepped across the room, stood before the closet door, took a deep breath, and opened it, expecting to see unimaginable horror.
He found Princess Luna instead, which he supposed was marginally better than unimaginable horror.
“Who do you think you are thinking of me as being just above unimaginable horror?” Princess Luna demanded. “I could show you horror,” she growled.
The scene shifted, and Noctilucent saw himself staring down at his own broken body in a bed. Blood was pooling over the sheets, staining them crimson. White bone protruded from his wing. Princess Luna stood nearby, covered in his blood. She looked terrified, worried, she looked like she was in pain. The same sort of pain visible on a mother when her foal has been grievously wounded.
She was crying.
A nurse took one look at Noctilucent’s wing and then vomited all over the floor of the now cramped hospital room. Doctors were working to stabilise him for surgery. Machines beeped.
And then, the bed was wheeled out of the room and Princess Luna was left alone. She leaned against a wall, sobbing, great heaving sobs, heart breaking sobs, sobs that a mother with a broken heart might make.
And Noctilucent felt his own heart breaking. He tried to touch her, to comfort her, and his hoof passed through her body. The horrible anguished cries she made were quite easily the worst sounds he had ever heard in his whole life.
Each racking hitching sob was a physical blow in his mind, and Noctilucent had to escape. He pushed his way out of the hospital room, nearly slipping in the vomit puddle, he stumbled through the door on wobbling legs, and then he fell into a black void, stepping into nothingness, as there was nothing outside of the door, only a black void.
He fell.
It was a long way down.
He hoped that Princess Luna would be there to catch him.
Falling was awful, and it lasted forever.
He wanted to be caught.
He awoke in the dark covered in sweat and freezing. He had kicked off his blanket at some point, and the sheet was gone as well. The air was cool, nearly chilly. His room was black, dark, the walls and ceiling not visible in the velvet black.
He heard the faint sounds of a foal crying.
Shivering, he got out of bed and made his way down the hall, stepping at quietly as possible. His wing joint ached, a terrible burning throb. He stopped at Holly’s door. It was open.
She was awake, trying to comfort the crying foal, feeding it another bottle. It sobbed and sniffled, laying on the bed beside the middle aged unicorn, kicking little legs, spitting out the bottle.
“I think she was teat fed,” Holly said, seeing Noctilucent in the doorway. “She is not happy with this bottle.”
“Poor thing,” Noctilucent said, looking at the foal.
The foal was tiny, her pelt the colour of graham crackers, and she had a cream coloured mane and tail. She kicked and fussed, crying and spitting out milk everywhere.
“Well, just don’t stand there looking stupid, I know you want to come in and see her up close,” Holly said.
Feeling foolish, Noctilucent slowly entered the room and looked around as he did so. The walls were covered in photographs, hundreds of photographs of foals. A plaque with the Royal Lunar Seal hung upon the wall. There was a desk covered in papers, a filing cabinet, and Holly’s few possessions sat on a shelf.
He stood at Holly’s bedside, feeling as though he was intruding, invading her space, standing next to a mare’s bed felt too intimate somehow. The dream imagery from earlier flashed in his mind and he felt the hot sting in his ears of a blush. He could smell the foal. She had that sweet smell that all very young foals had, that sweet smell that made you want to love them. That newborn smell.
“How old do you think she is?” Noctilucent asked in a hushed whisper.
“Maybe a week or two,” Holly answered.
“How could somepony just throw a life away?” Noctilucent asked, feeling angry. The words echoed in his mind. How could somepony just throw a life away? He had just done it to himself.
“I am sure ponies have their reasons,” Holly replied morosely.
Surprising himself, Noctilucent nosed the foal, coming uncomfortably close to Holly, pressing his nose into the foal’s belly and inhaling deeply. He felt a strange closeness after breathing in the foal’s scent. He lifted his head and backed away. The foal had quieted a bit.
“It never gets any easier,” Holly announced. “The bell I mean. Hearing it. Every time, it rips my heart open just a little and makes it bleed. It never gets easier.” Holly finally got the bottle into the foal’s mouth and it began to suckle. It was finally hungry enough to take anything.
“I have only heard it once and I don’t know how you do it,” Noctilucent replied, shaking his head. “If I hadn’t of hugged Biscuit when I did, I think I might have broken down.”
“Biscuit is a sad story with only one word,” Holly said.
“Most of the foals here, I’ve noticed something after I’ve talked with a few. Suicide seems to be a common theme,” Noctilucent whispered.
Holly nodded. “For many, but not all,” she replied. “Arroyo’s mother lost custody of him because of rampant alcoholism.”
“I see,” Noctilucent said.
“And there is this little bundle of joy here,” Holly said, looking down at the foal beside her. The foal was still feeding.
“She seems sweet,” Noctilucent said.
“Suicide. I hate it. It wrecks everything. These foals, some of them will probably never be adopted because of extreme behaviour problems,” Holly hissed vehemently, her mood suddenly changing.
Noctilucent felt a sharp stabbing pang of guilt. “I think I am going to go back to bed. Good night Holly. Wake me in the morning when you need me,” Noctilucent said, backing out the room.
When he was back in his own bed, huddled under the blankets, the tears began to fall. He cried silently, not making a sound, feeling wretched for what he had done. He quietly resolved that he would never do anything so selfish ever again, never cause so much pain to those around him.
His last thoughts as he drifted off to sleep was Princess Luna sobbing.
You always update between pages for me
My Friday night has been made.
Now that we're in hiatus, I look forward to these updates like a new episode!
That being said:
quite
Damn...
well, now I'm sad.
4402757
I aim to please.
4402795
4402789
4402765
I didn't mean to make you sad...
4402816 It's ok.
4402816 That just means you're doing your job flawlessly here. I am looking forward to seeing where this goes, and how it ends.
Hmm....
It's just hadn't. (the 'of' is how people misspell the contraction of have ('ve), but 'had not have' makes no sense anyway)
---
If Noctilucent ever confesses what really happened to his wing, oh, the fireworks will be just spectacular.
---
I wonder why Luna has been so insistent that he be on good terms with Cactus Blossom; disgusting habits aside, she seems to be one of the better-adjusted foals...
so sad... I love how you've written this story...
the feels...
keep up the amazing work
Me so sad, this chapter was hard to get through, but this is becoming my favorite story on the site.
I was wondering. Luna says she cares, yet she only cares enough to intervene when somepony takes the lethal plunge? i have not read other comments, so skip over this if this has been asked before. But, does her love and care not mean anything if she is only aware you even exist if you try to kill yourself? I am not sure, but i get the feeling that the love of someone willing to pull you from the edge of the cliff is worth more than the one who saves you after and essentially enslaves you..
4403283 She cares all the way through, but only intervenes, if you "make the jump" because then you just threw your life away and can no longer be trusted with it. At least that's how I understand it..
Will this ever get any easier for Noctilucent? Or will someone there find out about his suicide attempt?
4403283
From Luna's point of view, which isn't mine, I really hope people can figure out the difference someday, she loves you enough to give you the freedom to do anything, including and up to making the attempt.
And once that happens, she has to go and collect a foal that has done something stupid.
I don't think it is a decision that she makes lightly.
It's not sad you weak-minded hippies!
Continuously getting more and more impressed with this story.
4403587 Fair enough. Never meant to imply it was your viewpoint, merely that I found Luna's reasoning a bit odd.
4403718
Oh, but a lot of people have.
People have a hard time telling the author and the story apart.
So I have had to point that out a lot lately.
4402973
Ever heard the saying "fake it 'til you make it"? It is where someone acts the way they want to be until it comes absolutely naturally. Cactus might just be like that, putting on a front of cheerfulness until she is truly happy. My guess is that Cactus will eventually break down crying when she thinks that nobody can see her do so.
“How old do you think she is?” Noctilucent asked in a hushed whisper.
“Maybe a week or two,” Holly answered.
“How could somepony just throw a life away?” Noctilucent asked, feeling angry. The words echoed in his mind. How could somepony just throw a life away? He had just done it to himself.
“I am sure ponies have their reasons,” Holly replied morosely.
Huh. What a chilling epiphany. Good chapter, though I'm wondering:
Just wondering where his 'plight' with Luna stands in that.
noct and those guilt feels
Dang it Noctilucent, just kiss Holly already you hopeless shlub! Okay... I really do love this story, mostly because you handle cliff hangers beautifully. Every time I'm getting into a chapter... BOOM! It ends and I still want more. Also Cookies and Cream is adorable. Sorry... I think I'm channeling the fandom with this one... so I named your currently unnamed foal... that or I just didn't see the name... You probably have a name, but...just like Ditzy Doo is still Derpy Hooves to me, that foal will always be Cookies and Cream.
4404133
Holly is old enough to be his mother...
Here's to you, Mrs Robinson...
4404140 I love that song... also if that's the case he could just kiss her on the cheek in a sign of platonic affection... or at least a hug... Is it weird that I've started singing Mrs. Robinson?
The only “error” you made was stopping the chapter there and making me wait days and days before there is another one why are you so mean you big meanie
More, please.
4403469 As much as I hate Celestia, I'll admit she is extremely lenient. Which, morally, in the sun-butt's case, is good. Luna would be a severe leader.
4405564
Quite.
4405571 You know, as much as I am morally frustrated by this fic, I hope it becomes one of those famous stories that people always discuss. It deserves as much.
4405597
I quite agree. And methinks it may be on it's way. Hark! Some readers are already referring to Noctilucent as "Nocti". 'Tis a sign of (good?) things to come for this tale.
4405621 That name has been popping up alot more, as I've noticed. As for the nickname, that is a natural part of the human psychology to want to find a more pleasurable and simple way of expressing, doing, or naming something. That's one of the reasons I like to go by Pyre.
4405633
You are correct. Others sometimes refer to me as Renegade or ARTL.
Have I mentioned yet that this story has actually helped with my own suicidal tendencies? Because it has. Going along with Noct on his journey has helped me a lot.
4405969
Aw, thanks. Don't worry, I'm still writing.
Every connection to another person is a tether to life. Noctilucent tried to sever all ties and fall into oblivion. Now he sees the cost such actions take, for there is always someone who cares when a pony dies.
Celestia solves problems by letting the best in a pony shine through. Luna solves them by exposing the worst in a pony, so that that pony can confront and overcome the shadows within.
Meanwhile, I spout platitudes and pointless analysis. Looking forward to more.
4406283
That's actually the approach I was taking...
Skeery.
Luna wants to break him by exposing him to the worst parts of himself.
Not entirely sure whats going on with her at that moment but even if its due to how she feels about what they just talked about I didn't get the Impression that Holly was the kinda mare that would say something like that. I'm not saying its wrong it just gave me mixed feelings at the time.
4406715
As time progresses, Holly will display a few annoying habits.
Like she treats everybody like a foal. Even adults. Like Noctilucent. And Luna.
And she's a bit brisk.
Sometimes. I'm still dialing in the meter on it. I'm thinking... stress. I want to show Holly with warts and all.
The one thing I don't understand is why he is guilting himself for hurting those around him, when he doesn't seem to have anyone who cared about before the attempt. He hasn't got any family, doesn't seem to have any friends, so who precisely is there to hurt? Wasting his vitality is a guiltable subject, yes, but if he doesn't have anyone to hurt then what is the harm in that respect?
4409072 We really haven't heard a whole lot about him before his suicide attempt, accept that he read books to terminally ill foals.
And I re-read this chapter while listening to some music from the Last of Us.
Worst decision I ever made. Tears in my eyes.
Not that I've ever been drunk, or visited a prostitute, but I find it a bit unlikely that he'd visit a hooker (almost certainly with for-planning), pay her, let himself get drunk and then still have the courage to change his mind at the last moment. Still; good for him.
I'm noticing a distinct lack of any mention of fathers in this story: Noctilucent abandoned by his mother and raised by his grandmother, at least two of the children being orphaned when their mothers commit suicide, the girl Noctilucent's friend raped being a single mother.
Where the ********** are all the guys who fathered these children?
It makes sense that a mother who'd been raped or abandoned or whose husband/boyfriend had died would be more likely to kill themselves or abandon their foal then someone in a stable marriage, but it still makes me mad. Makes me wonder if Noctilucent is the first real male role-model some of these kids will have ever had.
Hi there,
I can't express just how much I love this story. For you see I've been here for a long time but made an account only recently. Through the entire time I've read quite many fics and I want you to know THIS here is a damn fine example of what I crave for in this fandom - like, the story about a problem difficult to solve, time-taking to recover from what happened, with added diabeetus and feels. Not to mention proper grammar and reading.
If I could I'd give you all the morale you'd want, but let's not get emotional here. DO NOT STOP. I saw that you wanted to quit once... This is too good idea to be abandoned. But on the other hand - no, I won't scream that I want MOAR RIGHT NAO, because I have all other stuff to do in the meantime. Take your time, take it easy.
Even though I have a habit of derailing my thoughts, and I can't mention everything I want here (tsk tsk), I simply wanted you to know that somewhere there is a big fan of this work of yours. Remember it when times become tough for you.
Regards
4418771 Really out-of-left field answer inbound.
Their fathers went off to explore the rest of the pokemon world, just like the main characters of the pokemon games
5074193
Except Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald, where he's a gym leader.
5193356
Hmm for graves it likely his father died some time earlier don't forget donkeys are refugees in this world deaths or seperation are common. Arroyo is likely a "bastard" or child born put of wedlock(drunk sex in this case). Candy's father killed her mother and himself. Cactus was likely a father left deal snce the note from the mother said lost everything.