Chapter 5
The night air was chilly and cold. Noctilucent could see his breath. Foals bundled up a bit to venture out at night, and Holly had loaned him a scarf. His ears were freezing though. Indoors the temperature stayed stable.
Dinner had been surprisingly good, fried flat bread, sweet corn, turtle beans, and little green diced chilis. There was something new to Noctilucent called guacamole, made from something called an avocado. Holly had hoped that Noctilucent liked avocados, because they were a staple of the orphanage.
All of the foals were out playing in the sand, except for Graves, who sat by himself, watching the others. Occasionally, his barrel visibly expanded and contracted, as he sighed in boredom.
Holly was sitting on a spread out blanket, reading by hornlight. The moon was visible overhead. Stars were everywhere, the skies were so very clear in the desert. It was getting hard to see the stars in Canterlot.
Noctilucent, feeling a twinge of compassion, went over and sat down next to Graves, sitting close enough to the foal that they touched. Graves’ pelt was chilled with the night air.
“So why are you named Graves?” Noctilucent asked.
“Most of the refugee donkeys have sad names to remind us where we came from,” Graves replied. “The griffons drove us from our home.”
“Oh,” Noctilucent replied.
The little donkey foal continued to stare balefully at his fellow orphans, a faint scowl on his face.
“Why are you over here by yourself?” Noctilucent asked.
“Look, kill the small talk. By now, you’ve seen how I am. Why would anyone want to be around me? Have you not been paying attention?” Graves snarked.
“But I am sitting with you now. I chose to come over here and speak with you. I know how you are, and I was still concerned about a little lone donkey foal sitting all by himself looking sad,” Noctilucent said.
The sound of Graves grinding his teeth filled the night.
“You will just leave just like all of the others. Go away,” Graves demanded.
“No,” Noctilucent retorted, feeling more than a little miffed.
“I’m in a bad mood. Just leave me alone,” Graves said, his tone pleading.
“No,” Noctilucent said. “Want to talk about it?”
“No, now get stuffed,” Graves replied.
“Very kind of you to say that,” Noctilucent replied.
“I was having a bit of a moment before you came along and butted into my business,” Graves grumbled.
“I saw you having a moment, and I was worried,” Noctilucent explained.
“What gives you the right to come over here and try to make me feel better when I want to feel bad and have a moment all to myself? I’m not hurting anybody. I’m not bothering anybody. I just want to be alone sometimes,” Graves whined, his droopy ears twitching.
Noctilucent took the words like a slap in the muzzle. What gave him the right? What had given Princess Luna the right? If he stayed to try and help this troubled foal, he was imposing his will over Graves, just as Princess Luna had placed her will over him.
Hypocrisy was bitter in Noctilucent’s mouth. His resentment for Princess Luna’s actions struggled to continue to exist. He wanted to blurt out very angry things. Part of him wanted to shout. Instead, all that came out was…
“Sometimes, a pony loves you enough to rescue you even if you don’t want to be rescued. Or tries to comfort you. I came over here to try and make you feel better, so I could make myself feel better. I’ve had a really tough time lately and I struggle with depression,” Noctilucent said.
Graves turned and looked up at him, his face full of emotion and his eyes watering a bit. “You are talking to me as an adult. Thank you,” Graves said. “I am a very angry little donkey. I stay depressed.”
“Hard to live with,” Noctilucent said.
“Yes, it is,” Graves confessed.
The pair sat in silence for a while, Graves scooting a little closer to Noctilucent, trying to get warm. The little donkey made odd noises, sounds like he was clearing his throat or something. Noctilucent realised the foal was trying not to cry.
“I can’t leave here,” Noctilucent said. “Which means I can’t leave you. I am stuck here. There was a very bad pony out there who tried to hurt me, and Princess Luna brought me here to keep me safe.”
“She brought me here as well,” Graves said.
“So what happened?” Noctilucent asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Graves responded.
“Trust me, not talking about it will only make it worse,” Noctilucent said.
“If I tell you, you will only hate me,” Graves said, leaning completely against Noctilucent.
“Why would I hate you?” Noctilucent said. “Be reasonable.”
“I walked in on my mother,” Graves began, “while she was selling herself. I already knew what she was doing. But she didn’t know that I knew. She couldn’t deal with me knowing. The shame did bad things to her.”
“Ouch,” Noctilucent said softly. He suspected he knew what was coming.
“She killed herself,” Graves said.
And there it is Noctilucent said to himself.
“She drank drain cleaner,” Graves mumbled, breaking down. The little donkey began to cry, faint little sniffling sobs that he could not hold back. “I found her. Part of her had dissolved.”
Noctilucent felt very ill and struggled to keep down his dinner.
“Why did she do that to me?” Graves cried, his voice cracking.
“Sometimes, ponies, or donkeys, or any creature really, feels trapped. Stuck. And they think that suicide is a good way out. They don’t think about who they might hurt. Or how much it might hurt somepony when somepony finds them. All they can think about is ending the pain,” Noctilucent said, feeling a flood of self loathing coming on.
“Selfishness?” Graves asked.
“Sometimes. Maybe,” Noctilucent replied.
“How do you know this?’ Graves asked.
“I’ve been around a bit. Seen some things. Had some experiences of my own. I won't say it is because I am an adult, that would be insulting,” Noctilucent answered, not revealing the whole truth.
“So somebody hurt you, still wants to hurt you, maybe kill you, otherwise, why would Luna put you here in the middle of nowhere, you have a wing break bad enough to require a complicated wireframe, and you know about why bad things happen to donkeys and ponies. At least you seem to know enough about where I am coming from and you are not patronising to me by pretending to know how much pain I am in,” Graves said.
“Something like that,” Noctilucent replied.
“That makes me feel better,” Graves admitted. The little donkey foal sat snuffling and snorting, his tail flopping around in the sand.
“I hit a very bad place in my life because I couldn’t find somepony to talk to. I had pushed everypony away. And then, when I needed somepony, there was nopony for me to turn to. I felt trapped,” Noctilucent admitted. “Don’t do that to yourself Graves.”
“I’ll think about it,” Graves answered, still leaning on Noctilucent.
“Do you ever try to talk to Holly?” Noctilucent asked.
“No,” Graves responded, “Holly treats me like a foal. She dismisses what I have to say because she is infuriatingly adult in her viewpoints.”
“Oh,” Noctilucent replied. “Maybe I can talk to her, if you will allow me to.”
“You would do that?” Graves asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” Noctilucent asked.
“Most creatures I know in Las Pegasus, well, nobody helps anybody,” Graves said, looking confused and hurt.
“That’s awful,” Noctilucent said. “Canterlot is getting more and more like that. I think. Or maybe it is just me,” Noctilucent said.
Not too far away, Biscuit came slowly walking up to the pair, and then, a short ways away, he sat down and looked at them both.
Noctilucent made a gesture with his foreleg, beckoning the foal over. Biscuit, seeing the invitation, came bounding over quickly and then clung to Noctilucent’s front leg.
“I feel bad for Biscuit,” Graves admitted, but made no attempt to comfort his fellow orphan.
Biscuit seemed ecstatic about hugging Noctilucent’s leg, squeezing with his tiny little forelegs. Noctilucent reached down with his good wing and gave the foal a tickle.
Biscuit did not laugh.
And Noctilucent felt a little worried. Foals should laugh when tickled.
The worrisome condition pressing heavily upon his mind, Noctilucent made a note to ask Luna about what had brought Biscuit to this place, even though he suspected he already knew.
Suicide seemed like an all too common theme.
The foals were all tucked away in their cots, some tucked under extra blankets because of the chill, and the sleeping room was quieting down.
That was until Cactus Blossom actually managed to fart out the first six notes of the Equestrian anthem and made the entire room explode with giggles and groans.
Holly looked somewhat disgusted while Noctilucent tried very hard to not look impressed. Cactus Blossom had impressive control. She was talented. Gifted.
And she stunk up the entire room.
“Beans beans the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot, the more you toot the better you feel, so let’s have beans with every meal,” Cactus Blossom sang to her fellow orphans, causing most of them to giggle.
“Please, try to quiet down, it is bedtime,” Holly requested.
“But it stinks in here,” Sassafras complained.
“Sure does!” Cactus said, giggling. “Smells like donkey.”
“Shut up Cactus!” Graves demanded.
“I don’t shut up, I grow up. And when I look at you I throw up!” Cactus singsonged.
“Do you want Noctilucent to whistle again?” Holly threatened.
The room fell quiet suddenly, not one peep being made.
“Be good foals. I love you all. Even you, yes you, the one who is doubting me right now,” Holly said sweetly.
Holly and Noctilucent backed out of the room, hoping that the foals would go to sleep. Holly went to work on daily reports, leaving Noctilucent standing alone in the hall.
It began to settle in just how difficult his task was going to be.
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I'm wondering what drove Noct to the edge. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. Can't wait for more!
Like a fungus, good sir!
4392889
Part of it was seeing terminally ill foals he would read to not being there when he came in the next day.
4392896 Yeah, but I get the feeling there's a bit more to it than that.
4392449 That's the best description of these events I've read thus far!
> an all to common theme
All too common?
> Cacus singsonged.
Cactus.
Those are the only two errors I spotted, though!
Not sure about Cactus, but Graves is definitely a memorable character already. To be fair though, most of the characters herein are memorable. Quite looking forward to more.
Looks like I didn't get to post the first comment, I was busy with semper pie.
Error report:
You should go through and re-read it. Some minor errors, nothing too distracting. Pm me if you want their location
Story report: ( I need to stop making reports and get out of this twilight phase I'm going through)
Great job with the childish humor. Cactus bloom is very enjoyable. This whole story is still depressing as hell, this chapter less so then previous ones, but I always smile while reading it.
Personal report/note: take your time in getting the chapters out. None of your readers are going to leave. Most of all, have fun
4392906 have you ever volunteered with terminal kids? It makes you look at every jerk and think "sweet little Kaitlin won't live to see six, but you got to go on to thirty. There is no good in this world." It's heart wrenching every moment of every day, and honestly it hurts the least when you're actually there, seeing their smiles. It's enough to make ANYONE consider jumping, especially someone that deals with them only for short amounts of time
Oh jesus...Graves....Nobody should have to see that....
To be perfectly honest, I'm not usually into things like this (though I do have one or two other "dark" stories in my faves), but the quality and style of your writing got me to start it and you have hooked me, good sir.
4392894 Seconding this wholeheartedly.
4391317
Dont despite me, comrade :/
Yes I agree that this story could have gotten some bigger philosophical content.
For the geas, I dont find it as means of control as a lot of you state here. The geas it is more of motivation then acual punishment.
4392590
There is no statement is that he believes in after life. You cant simple state that.
This has been a most thought provoking read all around. The story and the comments have kept me up many a night.
4392449 Except a little problem, his soul wasn't hers to take. (unless it was regardless as part of the equestrian experience, then yeah, its better living for slaughter like cattle in a griffon aerie.) Sure, the body was, especially with the fact of death being chosen. But his soul, yeah, that goes over well for benevolence and not really creepy. (By that logic, and it should be said, its a sadly one sided one, and certainly neither here or there.) That because you die, hey, free soul! You aren't using it, and sure as heck the afterlife, such as there is or isn't, doesn't need it going to pasture.
If we have the right to live, why don't we have the right to die? After all isn't that what free agency about? But then we make ourselves slaves to death if we kill ourselves. And that doesn't give us any rights at all. So who bears the responsibility to end lives? Is it the doctor, or is it the politician? Is it the soldier, or is it the commander? Finite, the one problem with a conscience because in the end no matter what we do, it ends. Which means there is only one person who can actually decide how to die.
Time, it's a sociological paradox only the willing man stands with it and the sad man wishes for it, but the living man, he is the one that tries to stop it. To say if one is actually alive is another problem, because when we even have the slightest of change, our mentality dies with it. Therefore the current mindset is who you are. State in point, we already choose our death sentence in one form or another. We are gods among ourselves and ourselves only to dictate what we do with the only limitation of death. We strive to remember and forget not only the sins others have commited, but the ones we have commited to others.
Oh it's 12:46 yeah that makes sense now GNight
*gives the story thousands of chances* It shant fail me now!
4392889 or... david Noct went to four different abandoned buildings after creepy stuff happening in his apartment and at the last one paul luna saves him from suicide trigged by the crooked mare
What? It totally works too.
>Ecocat<
In a fairly disturbing way, yes....
rlv.zcache.com/cactus_head_plates-rf84f4e6b03ba4cb9a32d1d2fc6aef693_ambb0_8byvr_512.jpg
I sorta want to know a bit more about biscuit
Seems interesting
4392972 I concur. I usually stay away from any stories dealing with suicide. However, there was something about the description drew my in. What's keeping me in is curiosity. The meaning of Noctilucent's cutie mark? Luna's reason for doing this? Why Luna singled out Cactus Blossom specifically?
In any case, I will be looking forward to more chapters.
4393542
If we want to be literal. True. However this is a story, and therefor oughtn't be taken entirely literally.
A life can also be considered over when it undergoes a significant change. "Your life, as you knew it, is over. In its place a new life has begun," and all that. True he didn't die, but he no longer inhabits his old life, which I believe was his goal.
Then again, I'm still not sure what drove Noct' to make his choice. Kudzuhaiku is keeping that mum for now.
I realize this is really just semantics, but I'm fond of bending perception by fiddling with meaning.
I don't know why but I found this chapter morbidly comical.
Graves, I like him.
Cactus, not really. She's a little too self aware.
4394009
Self aware?
4393233
I suppose that depends on how you think about Rights. If we consider the concept philosophically, we either inherently have every Right, or we have no Right At All (George Carlin). This can lead to two ways to think about it (maybe more, but I opt to address two for the sake of my point).
If we have every Right, it could be considered, as most do, a divinely gifted Agency by which we strive to make our lives better. It places a great deal of social value on our judgement (sometimes erroneous) of our own abilities and worth. So doing, it limits our growth (or life) only by what we are willing to do and the effort we are willing to put into it. By Carlin's reckoning, it also limits us by what consequences we drag down upon our own heads, e.g. I have every right to steal your shit, but you have every right to shoot me in the face for it!
If we have no Right At All, then what Rights we do have are granted us by our Society and thus can be considered under Rule of Law (See Constitution and Bill of Rights). Conceptually, this means that by Rule of Law we have only what Rights our Society deems acceptable to grant us. This does not take away our ability to choose, but informs us there are artificial limitations and consequences for our choices and actions, e.g. I steal your shit and I will be punished by Society, but if you shoot me in the face you will be punished by Society.
I would tend to think of Rights as artificial, that is to say, created by Society for the benefit of those of us within it. However, I think that we have both Every Right and No Right At All. That is to say (tweaking a word here and there) We can make any Choice we please, but we should be aware of and prepared for the Consequences of that Choice.
I don't want Cactus to grow on me. It will be painful.
Graves is awesome.
Sky blue and black, how little respect people have for free will...
Rights and free will. So many seem to think they are the same thing. They are not. Everyone has free will, you can do whatever you want as long as you are physically capable of it. Rights are granted by society, if you, in your free will, do something that society approves of you have the 'right' to do it. If your free will leads you to do something society does not approve of, then you will be punished if caught. You have the right to buy a candy bar, you do not have the right to take one without paying. All rights are granted or taken away by society as a whole.
i guess i can see the good that luna is trying to do, trying to turn his life around i mean; and i understand that her method of doing so as the two sister have usually played the role of mother as depicted in the first episodes. I am however, against the idea of taking his free will. even if free will is a figment of our imagination, and that we are all subject to the will of our experiences; it does not change the fact that it is what we believe, as is our feeling such as anger, or fear. Luna taking control of his life on a scale such as that is going against his own believes and that is what i find wrong with what she is doing.
i am also supprised how many philosophers this fic has drawn out
.
One of my favorite songs. It is very catchy
Hnnn. Poor, poor Graves. I think he might be my favorite character here yet.
Luna's being terribly manipulative, but I see why she's doing it. It's certainly having the impact it needs to on Noctilucent.
I wonder how all the foals here will react when they find out Noctilucent tried to commit suicide. I don't see it going over well. Although I think that Graves already suspects it.
4394267
Graves has like a 130+ IQ.
He's smert.
More character introductions are coming. I am still hammering out personalities.
4394271
In russian 'smert' is death. I wont look at Graves the same way D:
4394283
I did not know that. I was trying to be funny spelling "smart."
That's unintentionally hilarious!
Graves reminds me of Eeyore and I keep hearing his voice from that little donkey. It actually makes him a little more depressing. Of course I can't recall Eeyore ever cracking the slightest smile, but I'm sure Graves will turn out better by the end of this.
Cactus, uh, well, her little moment with Noct earlier helped me to care about her, but I don't think she's going to grow on me much while she's acting so intentionally repulsive. As sad as her own story is, it's just not easy to like someone who's constantly farting around you and actively trying to annoy. Still, I'm sure Noct will eventually break those habits. I sense good things in Cactus's future.
I didn't notice any errors, although the others probably found any already. And I'm glad to see those comments haven't discouraged your writing. I look forward to more.
Until then, have a good daynight.
P. S. I wonder what a farting cutie mark would look like and how that would affect a pony's life.
P. P. S. I now wonder if a blind pony even cares about cutie marks.
Yeah, Graves was the one who caught my attention when he first arrived. Cactus...... not a big fan so far.
4394389
In her defense, the primary diet at the orphanage is beans, fried bread, and avocados.
And grains.
And there is lots of fibre.
4392449
There is such thing as 'Last will'. There are also some legal guidelines to what one can and cannot do with dead bodies and other remnants.
Of course, as a diarch Luna has power to override those puny pitiful idiotic guidelines, that were here for generations. And of course the author has power to let it go in his story.
4394299
There are several guarantees that modern society provides (though last years there are some frightening tendencies) including safety (from different kinds of offence) and privacy. Selective violation of said guarantees give food for many unhealthy tendencies and generally bad for social climate.
Can we perhaps have a picture of Noctilucent?
4394591
I don't have one.
Sorry...
He's midnight blue with white dappled spots. And one white ear over the eye with the white spot.
Fan art somebody?
4394595 Yeah, sounds somewhat specific, not something you could do with a run-of-the-mill pony creator.
Frankly, I am shocked. Shocked and repulsed at the behavior I have witnessed in this chapter.
Beans are not a fruit! Somepony teach that foal the proper rhyme. "Beans, beans, the charmed legume, eat a bunch and clear the room!"
cactus hasn't grown on me, but graves, graves is the best pony in this story so far
Graves, him I like. Cactus' combo of obnoxious and uncouth behaviour is annoying me. She better cut that out if she wants to be in my good graces.
I confess, Graves is growing on me. Perhaps because he reminds me of me in my youth... Which really isn't that far behind me, but alas, what can one do?
Cactus, too, is growing a bit.
4396431 I just burst out laughing. I like you.
4397304 *SMACK* he's not a pony he's a donkey!
This comment was for comedic value only.
There are a few grammatical errors (uncapitalized letters, missing commas), but nothing over the top. And yes Cactus is adorable, kind of like a more disgusting version of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Had a bit of a laugh there