Chapter 33 (warning: rape triggers)
The chariot moved towards San Franciscolt, a major city to the north of Las Pegasus, with terrific speed. Gate Crasher, enchanted with a spell from Princess Luna, lost no strength in the sunlight and moved tirelessly towards their goal.
Throwing up once again, Noctilucent spewed over the side of the chariot, bringing the grand total to four times so far this trip. He wasn’t sick from motion sickness, but from nerves and the coming meeting with Merriweather. Quirky sat beside him in the chariot, trying to comfort him, while not at all comfortable with flying herself.
Flying beside them, but also a little ahead to avoid the streaming vomit, Princess Luna soared effortlessly, saying nothing at all as they traveled.
The air was cooler, and it felt good to be outside in the sun. Noctilucent was getting tired of the oppressive heat of the desert. Once he recovered himself, he sank into Quirky’s embrace and closed his eyes, allowing her to hold him. He felt his muzzle being wiped by some unknown force and he felt a little better.
This was a day a long time in the making.
They landed on top of a tall apartment building, the chariot setting down lightly with Gate Crasher’s skilled guidance. Princess Luna landed a moment later, and before her wings were even folded, was opening up the rooftop access door meant for pegasi.
Gate Crasher sat down near the chariot and pulled a novel from his saddlebags. He looked up the sun, hissed loudly, and then lost himself into his book.
As Noctilucent neared the door, he heard Gate Crasher speak.
“Good luck,” Gate Crasher offered.
“Thank you,” Noctilucent said in return.
“Don’t mention it, caretaker of foals,” Gate Crasher said in a grumpy voice.
It was Princess Luna who knocked upon the door and Noctilucent thought about running away to the roof before it had a chance to open. He pressed into Quirky’s side and made a nervous whimper.
There was a muffled movement behind the door, and then it opened slowly. Noctilucent peered out from behind Quirky, not sure what to think or say, completely at a loss for words or knowledge of what to do.
And then he saw her.
She was already crying a little. She moved out into the hall, shoved past Princess Luna, Quirky stepped aside rather hesitantly, and then Merriweather came to Noctilucent. Rearing up onto her hind legs, she wrapped both forelegs around his neck and squeezed gently.
After a moment of a quiet and confusing embrace, she let go and backed away, slipping through the door and then with a gesture, invited them all inside.
Once inside, Merriweather shut the door and showed them to a couch, where all three sat down and made themselves comfortable.
“Why don’t you hate me?” Noctilucent asked, unable to wait any longer or find a better greeting. The pain in his voice was obvious, heartbreaking for all the room, and even made Princess Luna flinch when she heard the emotion filled crack in his voice.
Clearing her throat, Merriweather looked at Noctilucent and then sat down in a chair. She drew herself in, pulled in her legs, and curled up in the chair, laying on her belly with her legs all folded beneath her.
“Merriweather, this is Quirky. I’ve told you about her. She is here to offer support to Noctilucent. Quirky, this is Merriweather,” Princess Luna said, introducing the pair.
The two mares nodded at one another, sharing one thing in common between the two of them, one common thing that defined both of their lives.
“I never stopped loving you,” Merriweather admitted. “Ever,” she added after a moments pause.
“But… what I did?” Noctilucent replied in stunned disbelief.
“I had a hoof in that,” Merriweather stated. “Look, my therapist requires me to be brutally honest about everything or it sets off cycles of self defeating behaviour that led me into downward spirals.”
“I know all about those,” Noctilucent said in a small timid voice.
“I went to that party with the intention of letting you have your way with me. I wanted you so badly. But you were so shy and sensitive. So distant. So when you started giving me drinks, I knew what you wanted. I played a little hard to get and I took those drinks, mostly for your benefit. I was young and stupid. I actually believed that if I was good and plastered, it might make it easier for you. That was the plan. I wanted you to take advantage of me,” Merriweather confessed, a few more tears now starting to trickle from the corners of her eyes.
“I lost my nerve,” Noctilucent said.
“I know,” Merriweather said. “I woke up in the middle of a nightmare. You were gone. Your friend… he was doing things to me… and those things continued for hours. I… well, I tried to fight back to make it stop. It made it worse. He became angry. He hurt me when I tried to make him stop,” Merriweather said, her voice becoming a bit reedy with pent up emotion.
“I’m so sorry,” Noctilucent said. “I feel so bad,” he added, floundering to say something meaningful.
“He finally let me go. He threatened me about going to the police. I went to the Cloudsdale hospital. Told the police anyway. Had to stay in the hospital for over a month. Fourteen different surgeries in total, all of them reconstructive, most of them on my anus and a few were to repair my shattered dock. He… he broke my dock… and then each time he took me, I could feel him grinding against my broken shattered dock… he… he punished me for fighting back,” Merriweather murmured.
The room suddenly became a little warmer and Princess Luna reached over and nudged Quirky softly. Quirky, snorting and struggling to breathe, took a deep shuddering breath and tried to calm herself.
“What happened to him?” Quirky finally asked.
“He went to prison for a while,” Merriweather replied to Quirky. “After I got out of the hospital and after I recovered, I tried to find you Noctilucent. To talk. To make some sense of what happened. But you skipped town.”
“I couldn’t face everything that had happened,” Noctilucent whimpered, squirming in his seat. He closed his eyes and began counting backwards from one hundred, hoping to find some sense of calm.
“There is a lot they don’t tell you about recovering from a rape,” Merriweather said after taking a deep breath, and letting it out slowly as she spoke.
“Like what?” Quirky asked, determined to see this through for Noctilucent.
“Like how to go on living day to day life,” Merriweather answered.
“I’d imagine it would be hard,” Quirky stated.
“They don’t tell you about what happens the first time you feel a little sexually aroused after you spend some time healing. They don’t tell you about the panic that it brings. The guilt. The shame. The pain. The panic attack that made me throw up in the shower. I felt the hot water hitting me and I felt just a little warmer than usual back there. And it set off a massive chain reaction that caused me to be checked back into the hospital because I tried to kill myself,” Merriweather admitted.
Noctilucent silently restarted his count backwards from one hundred.
“They don’t tell you that your therapists, almost all of them, and you will go through quite a few, will almost all blame you for what happened and will try to hold you accountable for what took place, telling you that you need to take responsibility for your own risky behaviour and the consequences. My first therapist triggered my second suicide attempt,” Merriweather said in a strained whisper.
“I’m sorry,” Quirky offered, now tearing up herself.
“They don’t tell you about the nightmares you will have. Or the fact that you will wake up in a state of total terror and panic as well as sexual arousal. They don’t tell you about all the times you will wonder if maybe you enjoyed it on some level and the guilt that it causes. They never tell you any of these things. At least I was never told these things,” Merriweather confessed.
Unable to deal with this on his own, Noctilucent found himself pressing into Princess Luna and burying his face into her neck. He felt a wing wrap around the back of his neck and head, pulling him close and comforting him.
“They don’t tell you that you will have moments where you will daydream about your rapist, even if you don’t want to do so. You will have fantasies… the shame of doing so will send you on quite a downward spiral. They don’t tell you about the first time you try to masturbate and the floodgate of emotions it will open. How you start to wonder if maybe you are sick because you can’t stop thinking about what happened and reliving it as you rub yourself off,” Merriweather said.
“This sounds like it has been very difficult to deal with,” Quirky said, casting a glance at Princess Luna and Noctilucent as she spoke. The blue and white dappled pegasus was sobbing profusely and it made Quirky’s heart flood with aching pain.
“They don’t tell you about the first time that you feel attracted to another stallion, just looking at them as they might go by, and all of the guilt, shame, and self rage it triggers. They don’t tell you how how you’ll feel if you have your first crush again after a rape, and the feelings of inadequacy it might trigger,” Merriweather stated.
Princess Luna pulled Noctilucent closer and tried to soothe the overemotional pegasus, who seemed quite inconsolable. “Merriweather, I know how important this is to you. Do continue.”
“They didn’t tell me that I would fall in love with the first therapist who really understood me and told me it wasn’t my fault. Nopony warned me about that at all. He knew. He understood. He knew all about my pain and he was the most perfect stallion in all of the world because he didn’t blame me and he knew all about these things they don’t tell you. And my infatuation set off a cycle of self destructive behaviours. Because he was the only one who understood, I had to have him,” Merriweather said in melancholy voice.
“Must have been hard,” Quirky said, struggling to find some way to acknowledge Merriweather.
“They never told me about how to recover from having your therapist tell you he can’t see you as client anymore, and how to mend a broken heart after the rape. How much more it hurts. I went out and tried to see other ponies. They never told me how nervous I would be bringing a stallion home for the first time, how scared I would be. Trying to be normal again. Those first few dates that seem to go so awkwardly and then you finally decide to take a chance and bring somepony home. And when things finally happen… they don’t tell you about the panic attack that happens when he finally kisses you. They don’t tell you how you will freak out. And because he doesn’t know what happened, he doesn’t know why you are freaking out. He’ll call you a prude. A cock tease. He’ll slap you once or twice, tell you to get your head together, and then he’ll storm out the door. And you will think about rape. You’ll think maybe you deserved it this time because you were being a cock tease. You’ll think maybe you owed him something and that there is something wrong with you. They don’t tell you that you will spend the rest of the night in the shower, crying, throwing up, feeling sexually aroused, and having fantasies about all of the ways that it could have gone differently, including being raped again,” Merriweather said in a hesitant voice. She fell silent after letting all of the words spill out, and she began to weep, her tears and words turning into sobs.
Stats
Page generated in 0.037 seconds
Total duration
747 users online
1,089,864 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
you don't be around the bush, that's one of the reasons why i love your work
Oh GOD! *sniffles* That was heart wrenching!
This was actually really interesting :D
I assume the facts are true, in which case it was informative as well :P
This story just got too SJW for me. Sorry, but I'm out. The suicide theme was fine, but then you went and strayed off into hotbutton topics that I come here to avoid...
It was hard to read, i can only wonder how hard was to write it. And it is even harder knowing that this is not fiction, things like this STILL happens ! I read things alike in the on line news portals almost in a daily basis.
5082275
I'm sorry. But this was always intended as central part of this story. The Merriweather resolution is a big part of Noctilucent's recovery.
BTW, wonderfull job, as awlays, kudzu. And, actually, i´m happy you splitted this in two parts. It was really hard to swallow everything....
Rape just makes me angry. So fucking angry that men and women would do these horrible things to others, I can't wrap my head around their motivations, I just can't. So all I'm left with is anger.
Was this supposed to be "everything or it sets off cycles"?
I have experience dealing with this sort of thing from the law enforcement side, and there is a heavy tendency to doubt the victim. The problem is that alcohol always hurts testimonies and most cases that I've been involved with at least started out consensual.
Working on a cruise ship we were always dealing with drunk young people, ideally if we see a drunken female crew member we would separate them from their guy friend just to insure nothing happend. But every once in a while we'd miss one and things would get ugly.
One girl we stopped had a BAC of 3.6, that means 3.6% of her blood was alcohol. Se was under age so she and her boyfriend were fired. It was always tragic, but dispite all the training and all the rules and no matter what anyone said, the victims tend to make the same mistakes.
It's frustrating, I did what I could. Yet the story repeats.
I know how difficult something like this is to write. It's a terrible action, and unfortunately there really was a point in Modern Psychology where the victim was blamed for the rape. There are still practicing psychologists that use that view point. It's something that I strongly disagree with. I know that the chapter I'm writing about this subject... It's been hard. Especially hard because it deals with the victimizer/rapist using the victim's nature against her. It's a terrible subject, and it's not often that it's given the light it deserves to be given.
It saddens me, truly saddens me, that there are so many stories that glorify it. They pull the punches of what it's like for the victim, and instead they merely live inside of the head of the one who's doing it. It's terrible. There is no reason to every glorify this. This is one of the worst acts of violation and depraved behavior that anypony could ever do. The psychological damage that is done...
kudzuhaiku, thank you for taking the highroad. Thank you for showing this to be the terrible act it is.
A short PSA...
If you or a friend has suffered this kind of abuse please, please contact RAINN.
5082492 Though it's good to know the majority of the public knows better. Take for instance that one senator who blamed a rape victim for being raped a few years back. The public ostracized him.
5082537
It's absolutely good to know that most folks don't agree with that antiquated line of thinking. There's a reason it has more or less been left behind. To think that a victim desired what happened to them... It's deplorable. No one wants this. Even in Merriweather's case of allowing herself to get drunk so that she could be with Noctilucent she didn't want what happened to her. It was... Horrible. That colt that did it... He deserved more than a just a few years in jail.
A more savage part of me believes that he deserves the same treatment, but I'd like to think that I'm above being like that. Instead, I think that him having to see what it was like through a victim's eyes. The aftermath, the horror, and the terrible, terrible way things happened. I think that would serve him better. I could see Luna doing that to him. Letting him get a first hand view of what a victim went through.
5082492 And the even worse part is... The act of rape itself isn't as often about sexual satisfaction for the abuser as many people think it is... It's about the feeling of absolute control that the abuser feels over the victim. It is certainly a terrible act, and one that should never leave the abuser unpunished
... I have no words.
This chapter...
Just... Whoa...
I'm still trying to get my heart rate down and my emotions in check. Sitting at work and this has me both shaking mad, and tearing up. The sheer level of emotion and pain that this chapter puts to light is staggering.
Mostly because it's all true...
Bravo, you magnificent author
5082492
I read through several thousand rape survivor accounts.
And then I read various psychology reports to prepare for writing this chapter. This is what I've been doing and why this fic went on hiatus for a while. I had hit the point in the story where Merriweather had to be dealt with. I had to figure out my approach, and I had to research to get Merriweather's point of view. I went into a special sort of hell for a while to write this.
Scholar.google is my friend.
everythingisawesome.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/title-image.png
5082856
yeah... I know what that's like... Being an author means reading material you might not like, or enjoy, but you do it to bring more life to your work. I've done the same thing before, and it's entering into the gates of hell full well knowing that you're never going to be the same when you exit.
The fact that you could write as much as you did means you're a much stronger person than I am, that's for sure.
Well shit...
I don't think some of the readers understand how terrifying this is. Yes, they know rape is bad and horrible, but has any one ever asked a rape victim who was willing to talk about it what it was like?
I can't even begin to imagine...
Some even might consider this chapter theraputic in its own way. I can only guess.
Damn
*looks up what a horse's dock is*
OOOOOOOOW!!
Anyway, this was a very emotional story. I can see why you have to break it up. I don't want to be a douche, but where is her child? It was mentioned she had one a chapter or two ago.
5083703
Next chapter.
5083475
I really hope it is therapeutic.
Cause I feel like I need therapy after all that I had to do to write it.
I had to look up a new vocabulary word. "Dock" I was unfamiliar and now I want Nocti to kill the stallion that raped Merri... Seriously I have always been of the opinion that the death penalty should be saved for three kinds of criminals, murderers, abusers pf children, and rapists. My opinion on all that still stands.
This was wonderfully written. I felt sick to my stomach reading through what was done to Merri and I'm actually still crying a little... but she can't have Nocti. She better understand the Quirky and Nocti are soul mates and will spend the rest of their lives together raising all the foals.
Still I don't blame Nocti for breaking down. I mean he spent his whole life blaming himself and now he is being given all the details of what happened. Quirky needs to give him a hug.
I'll see you at the next chapter.
5084067
For a human being, imagine if somebody broke your tailbone into tiny fragments and then ground themselves on top of you while you were facedown.
Surprisingly, this happens during a lot of rapes. It was something I read about. Usually involves a swift punch to the tailbone area on a woman or even a man, and the pain is so intense that it makes it physically impossible to fight back. All you can do is lay there and scream endlessly, paralysed by pain. You are completely at the mercy of your attacker when this happens.
Holy shit.
If I could give you a hug I would. I look at all this and it makes me angry and miserable at the same time, but then I remember that you had to write this. C'mere.
*Hug*
5084096 Did I mention how rapists should be given the death penalty? Or at least beaten with heavy sticks until dead...
But yeah after looking up the word 'dock' I kind of figured it would be like having my tailbone broken and being... forced... You really did your research on this chapter.
5084320
I dunno about death.
Tossed into a hole in the ground with hyenas all jacked up on viagra maybe.
After everything I read.. I feel that my statement is justified.
Sorry about the morbid curiosity but will we ever learn anything about Merriweather's rapist? Or the parents of the abandoned kids? It's just that, all of the characters are victims and spending so much time with them and learning their struggles makes me curious about the criminal side.
Also if there are psychiatrists who victim blame, does that also mean there are psychiatrists that encourage rape, or are on the side of the rapist if they truly believe the victim is to blame? Because that is a terrifying prospect.
5084337 Oh that's a good one also their tailbones should be broken before hand.
-Slow Clap-
You need a Feature.
If not just for your good work, but to your Dedication to the subject, and your absolute respect for it.
5084788
Keep reading. Your opinion may change. Many other people felt the same way and then more of the story was revealed.
5084788 I agree, I wouldn't want to be manipulated, but in some cases it would be necessary. Take the FiM pilot, for instance. If Celestia had told Twilight, "Find the Elements of Harmony", Twilight, being Twilight, would immediately go on a search in a scientific, orderly way, not making friends and therefore never being able to truly activate the Elements.
5084337
I'd agree with the death penalty wholeheartedly in a situation like Merryweather's; the biggest problem I can see is evidence for conviction. If the woman doesn't have any physical injury, then unless the encounter was recorded, if a woman says she's raped, and the guy says she'd consented, what evidence could she bring other then her word against his?
If you say the woman's word trumps his, regardless of having any evidence, you give every woman the power to kill/imprison/punish any guy they want, for any reason they want. If you say the guy's word rules, then it's relatively safe for guys to rape at will.
I've been waiting for this to update for a long time, and quite annoyed that it wasn't. Your reasons are justified
This sentence needs reworking
5085268
Fixed happen(ed)
Behaviour is spelled correctly.
Could you explain this sentence please?
5085322
Noctilucent.
The one thing they both had in common. They love him.
5085328
Enough to be be considered a defining feature of Merryweather's life?
5085380
She is still madly in love with him. So much so that she places none of the blame of what happened upon him.
You tell me.
Holy shit dude.
5085410
I was afraid you would say something like that
Now you've opened a whole new swath of love triangle drama to play with, and we know how Quirky has said she'd feel about Noct having an affair, not to mention how it would affect the children, and yet I can't help wishing that Noctilucent had saved Merryweather all those years ago, then married her, had children and never met Quirky, Holly or any of the kids at the orphanage.
You've raised the stakes yet again my friend
succeed in pulling this off and you will have reached another dimension of heart stroking beauty. 
Mess it up and I will be livid 
You have been warned
5085272
I'm not sure if you noticed, but I'd also italicized that you'd used "almost all" twice, just a few words apart. You might want to edit that.
Since you've so far deftly avoided giving the name of Noct's friend who raped Merryweather, I'm guessing that we haven't seen the least of him... just like we haven't seen the last of the dark Noctilucent that Luna fought and went running off into the dreamscape to find a new host.
Nice chapter, quite informative. I dont know why, but I dont find this chapter to be very emotional triggering. But maybe thats why im not into psychology.