Chapter 32
Staring hatefully at the book titled “Sexual Trauma,” Noctilucent decided it wasn’t much use. It blamed the victim and any sort of counseling was nothing of the sort. It was a list of behaviours the presumably female victim should avoid if they did not wish to be sexually assaulted again. The book, rather thin and completely useless, was filled with blame for the victim.
He tossed it aside with an equine snort of derision.
Some of his schoolbooks infuriated him to no end. It did not take much to make him angry lately. Certain things, mostly his schoolbooks, had a knack for setting him off and making him feel his inner pegasus. He snorted and took steps to calm himself, starting at one hundred and slowly counting backwards.
By eighty two, he was breathing steadily again and feeling just a bit sleepy, exactly how Dr. Lethe said he would be feeling. It was shocking how well this method of mental redirection worked. He sighed and pulled another book from the pile, knowing that he had a lot of work to get done.
He was nervous. So very nervous. Even after his calming exercise, the back of his mind clung to his worries. Princess Luna was supposed to be around later to talk to him. He hoped and feared it would be about Merriweather. Holly was acting strangely. Her usual laid back demeanor had been replaced by one of nervousness and worry.
Noctilucent hoped that he hadn’t done anything wrong, anything that might have upset her or offended her. He took a deep breath and began to count backwards from one hundred yet again as he felt his barrel constrict with anxiety.
The diamond dog known as Bloo Tic plinked away on a mandolin, Sassy plucked away on a banjo, and Arroyo strummed a guitar. Two of the trio were rapidly improving. An almost sibling-like relationship had formed between Sassy and Arroyo.
The music lessons had another side effect for Arroyo. The somewhat simpleminded colt seemed to be becoming a bit more functional. Since learning how to play the guitar, his speech had improved, his ability to relate to others, in short, learning how to make music had finally made him blossom. His friendship with Graves was also having an effect upon him, and Graves spent a great deal of time reading to the colt. Arroyo’s vocabulary had improved considerably.
Hunched over his schoolbooks, Noctilucent listened to the trio as they practiced. Beside him, Biscuit quietly sat, peering at his books and his writings, seemingly happy to be beside Noctilucent while the stallion worked through his boring schoolwork. In front of him was a book about the theories of emotion. The book was open to the chapter about cognitive theory of emotion, the page was about how physiological arousal happens first, and how the individual must determine the reason behind this arousal, the factors that caused it, and the associations with the various stimuli involved in order to experience it and label as an emotion. It was a difficult subject and Noctilucent wasn’t sure he understood it well enough.
A quilt was spread out a short distance away for Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus, the two foals watching everything around them with wide bright eyes while they lay side by side with one another. Quirky lay on the quilt with them, watching the music lesson as it happened, occasionally reaching out and stroking a foal with her folded fetlock.
By herself, Cactus Blossom danced to the music with unabashed abandon, totally unaware that ponies were watching her. Being blind had given her a certain sense of freedom because she couldn’t see what others thought of her with their facial expressions. Her dancing, if one could call it that, involved lifting a leg, shaking it wildly, and bobbing her head. After a few moments, another leg was lifted and given a shake.
Graves was curled up in a chair reading one of Noctilucent’s psychology primers, a book titled “Operant Conditioning: a guide by Mule Skinner.” The donkey looked too much like he was plotting or planning something. His brow was furrowed in deep concentration, his ears framed his face, and a worrisome smile was on his face, a manic terrible grin that somehow promised mayhem. Any smile from Graves was usually a cause for some level of concern.
In the corner of the room, Shady Patch and Candy Corn worked together on a colouring book, talking quietly, their friendship blossoming as time passed. Shady Patch was spending more and more time at the orphanage. Candy Corn wasn’t nearly as shy now, and was more than willing to chat with Shady Patch.
In the soundproofed kitchen, Noctilucent watched Princess Luna carefully as the alicorn made herself comfortable at the kitchen table. She folded one foreleg over the other on the table before her, her ears perked forward ever so slightly, and she leaned forward towards Noctilucent.
“There are a few things that we need to discuss with one another today,” Princess Luna announced in a soft soothing voice, taking note of Noctilucent’s nervousness.
Nodding, Noctilucent acknowledged Princess Luna’s announcement but said nothing. He squirmed in his seat and his good wing flapped around a bit in nervousness. He felt Holly stroke him and he calmed a little bit, but his breathing remained rather heavy.
“You seem so nervous lately,” Princess Luna observed.
“Working through a lot of issues in therapy. Feelings of inadequacy. Confusion over my gender… a worry that I am not worthy of being either gender… my fear of not being good enough. Plus, I have a big time psych exam coming up soon on all of the introductory stuff I’ve been studying… I am a very stressed out pegasus,” Noctilucent explained.
“Merriweather?” Princess Luna inquired, saying the one word that made Noctilucent almost lose it completely. “I know you are worried about the Merriweather issue. She has agreed to see you. She wants to see you. And as soon as possible.”
“W-w-w-w-why?” Noctilucent stammered. “After everything that happened… why would she want to see me?” he asked.
“She was actually quite relieved to speak with me about you. She has worried about you every day after what took place,” Princess Luna stated.
“What? Why? Why would she worry about me?” Noctilucent questioned.
“You will need to speak with her. It is not my place to tell you,” Princess Luna replied. “But in a few days, Gate Crasher and I will be taking you to meet with her. I understand that Quirky will be coming with us.”
Too stunned to reply, Noctilucent slumped down in his seat and closed his eyes. Emotional pain turned into physical pain and his stomach began to churn. He felt a little nauseous and dizzy.
“I am allowed to tell you that the foal is named Feldspar and he is a healthy well adjusted little foal who is quite well behaved,” Princess Luna said in a soothing voice of velvet.
Laying his head down upon the table, Noctilucent took a deep breath and tried to keep his feelings from overwhelming him. He took a deep breath and held it for several moments, until he felt as though his lungs were burning and he let it all out in a troubled wheeze.
“You’ve been dealing with a lot of depression lately, have you not?” Princess Luna inquired. “I mean, more so than usual.”
“He’s been a little more mopey than usual. He spends a lot of time in his books frowning and Quirky has been having some trouble getting him to smile or laugh,” Holly reported as she wrapped a foreleg over Noctilucent’s withers.
“You are getting better Noctilucent,” Princess Luna said. Her voice was steady, confident, a bare statement of fact, not speculation.
“I’m trying,” Noctilucent whimpered.
“You are not trying. You are doing,” Princess Luna stated.
Sniffling, Noctilucent nodded without lifting his head from the table.
“Second order of business… Holly has decided to adopt you,” Princess Luna announced. Her words were blunt and straightforward and caused Noctilucent to go immediately silent. No sniffling, no soft whimpers of sadness, nothing could be heard.
“You need a mother. A real mother. Somepony who loves you and that you know loves you. And the foals are going to need a grandmother,” Holly said, flashing a glance at Princess Luna as she spoke.
“What?” Noctilucent gasped.
“It has been decided that the foals are no longer up for adoption. All of them are to be yours, if you want them. Princess Luna has agreed to the idea of a therapeutic foster home. I am going to be the director. You are going to be a devoted father and husband to Quirky. And we’re going to make a family out of this mess. You are going to complete school. Dr. Lethe is going to retire and live with us,” Holly explained.
“I don’t know what to say…” Noctilucent whispered.
“You’re like the son I’ve always wanted. I love you a great deal,” Holly responded in a low voice. “We’ve already spoken to Quirky. She knows. She’s looking forward to motherhood. As of yesterday, she quit her job with the library and is now employed here. She wants this more than anything, she wants you, and I want both of you as my foals.”
The words were too much for Noctilucent in his emotional state. He began to weep, covering his face with his forelegs and trying to hide himself.
“Look, I know what you did to end up here,” Holly said. “You don’t need to be ashamed about it. Bad things happen to good ponies. But if you wouldn’t mind telling me, why did you do it?”
“Because I believed that nopony would ever love me,” Noctilucent sobbed.
“Did you believe that was actually true?” Holly gently inquired.
“With all of my heart. I’m not worth loving,” Noctilucent whimpered.
“So you made yourself believe in that and you lied to yourself,” Holly said, pulling Noctilucent closer, careful of his injured wing.
“It seemed true at the time,” Noctilucent said, trying to squirm away from Holly and failing. He grunted as Holly only squeezed tighter.
“Noctilucent, listen to me carefully. We believe in things that aren’t true because we’re scared about how our world might change if we found out we were wrong all along. Be honest with me. What scares you more? The idea that nopony loves you or the idea that somepony might love you in spite of all of all the things you believe are wrong with you?” Holly questioned.
“I dunno,” Noctilucent moaned.
“She is right you know,” Princess Luna said. “I believed that I was all alone and that nopony would ever love my night… because nopony loved me. I was so entangled with my night that when ponies ran and hid from it, I believed that they were running and hiding from me. I believed my own sister had turned against me because it was easier to believe in that to nurture the hatred growing in my heart. I needed to believe in it to justify my own selfish and destructive behaviour.” After she had finished speaking, Princess Luna looked ashamed and unsettled.
“I needed to believe that nopony loved me so I could convince… I needed to believe that… I had to believe that nopony loved me… it was the only way I could prepare myself for what I planned to do and not feel guilty… about doing it… it took a long time to make myself believe… I had to keep telling myself over and over… and it made what I had to do easier…” Noctilucent stammered, his voice hitching from emotion.
Beneath the table, unnoticed by anypony, Noctilucent’s cutie marks flashed once again. For a brief moment, flames flickered on the candles to be found on each hip. A golden glow shone forth. And then, the flames extinguished and and the candles returned to being unlit.
Princess Luna wiped her eyes with one foreleg and attempted to straighten herself out. “No matter how much we want it to be, a lie is never the truth.”
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Having recently dealt with a... number of unhealthy thoughts, the last portion of the chapter kinda hit me hard. I didn't actually do anything, but I nearly convinced myself that I should.
MORE PLSS!
And here I was all day wondering when this would be updated again. Yay!
Glad to see this updating
Is this the idiotic version of this situation*, or the ACTUAL victim blaming one?
*Certain things reduce chances of injury, like hard hats.
5073360
There is a blog post explaining the delay. Research about rape trauma recovery.
5073364
This actually comes from my advanced psychology class.
The chapter about rape therapy was not at all about therapy. It was about shaming the victim, blaming them for their clothing, drinking too much alcohol, etc, and "holding them accountable for their risky behaviour that caused the rape to happen and teaching them behaviours to prevent future rapes because ALL rapes are preventable and avoidable."
I shit you not. That is what was actually in my college textbook.
Slash one word.
Should be 'Too'
And some dandy quote worth remembering is here.
Just add some commas ftw.
Seriously, how...? This content looks like captured from a high quality commercial work of a bunch of people (not that the mainstream care about nuances). Hard for me to believe you came up with it just like that.
5073364
Probably the actual version. It must have written by a stallion.
Keep in mind that rape victims often do get blamed in real life.
A chapter of PLSS is out! It's fucking Ragnorok!
P.S- Confuzzled about Merriweather's view on the matter, rape tends to scar people badly.
5073389
But it wasn't Noctilucent who committed the deed.
5073396 She must see that he was foolishly tricked and that he too was victimized.
5073385 Whoahwhoah...Rape THERAPY? I thought it was about the negativity of the action/topic itself....that's pretty shitty therapy, if you ask me.
EDIT: Even on the unlikely chance that any of that is true, That is NOT therapy.
5073386
I dunno, don't think it needs commas.
I am not even certain I worded the phrase all that well. It went through a dozen or more different revisions and it was too wordy for Holly. I simplified it, shortened it, and made it sound a bit more "Earthy wisdom of Holly-ish" and I am still not sure I am satisfied with how it turned out, but I was sick and tired of fiddling with it hoping for perfection.
5073387 Watch it. Penis does not equal Bad.
5073400
That is the subtle implication.
I wasn't sure if it was too subtle or too strong. I've been obsessing and fretting over this damn chapter for almost a fecking month now. I've torn myself apart with the events leading up to Merriweather.
I'm going kooky in my coconut.
5073412
Same goes for the vagina. In the case of blaming rape victims, nine times out of ten it's going to be a male who blames the victim.
5073429 link or gtfo.
5073430
5073429
Please... be nice. There has been so much fighting lately.
5073435 I'm not fighting. I just want to know where they got that bogus information.
The real statistic is more like,"9/10 rapists blame the victims"
5073415
Are you loco in the coco?
Got some lunar pegasi in the belfry?
5073450
Which are usually male...
5073459 incorrect. It's about 50/50
5073450
Even in psych class we were taught that the victims were at fault. At least in my psych class. I RAGED about it for a while and even considered dropping the class. And then I reminded myself that academia is populated by men. Bad men. Ignorant men.
And I somehow managed to plow through that section of the class even though I HATED every minute of it.
5073463
5073459 It's a little outdated, so forgive me, but so is the Wage gap, and that still get's thrown around...
5073462
EVERY peer reviewed article we had to read for homework and study in psyche class was written by men. All of whom postulated that the victim was at fault and that rape was 100% preventable.
One paper I read even went completely balls out by stating that rape was preventable by giving consent. And it was written by a guy with two Ph.Ds. Some old fart who was like 70 years old.
5073479 wow...hopefully that school is torn down...
5073479
This is a paradox. The rapist could say his/her victim gave consent and the victim could say otherwise and there'd be no proof either way.
5073510
The paper postulated that giving consent would break the rape fantasy brought on by revealing clothing or lewd behaviour (like smiling... that was a warning behaviour) and caused the aroused man to lose interest.
5073519
Jesus...
5073523
TWO FUCKING PH.DS!
I shit you not. I went on a rant in the classroom that made people cover their ears because it was so profanity laden.
5073528
And you weren't kicked out for rocking the boat? Awesome.
5073534
My teacher agreed with everything I said. She was a WOMAN!
She gave me bonus credit for an impromptu oral presentation. In between all of the shits, fucks, damns, Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christs, and other random swearing, my counter opinions were sound and the evidence I offered was deemed worthy.
After class we talked about Tourette's Syndrome.
5073558
Awesome!
seemed to be becoming
5073651
My advice, keep reading. It does a bit dark, but then becomes increasingly hopeful.
Horror story with happy ending.
Until the end of this part, when you wrote that it was Noct that was saying that, i was almost sure that Luna was saying it. It seems they´re booth most likely then i though.
5073415 I know you take your art seriously, but I didn't think you were this cereal. With every revelation; don't think that is the correct word, you create, my respect and the urge to hunt you down, and hug you grows.
5073681
Noctilucent and Luna aren't so different as they have discovered.
And yes, it could have very well been Luna saying this. That was intentional.
I rewrote this paragraph countless times. The first dozen versions were too clean, to well focused, and I kept breaking it down and making it more jumbled. No sentence is quite completed. Constant self interruption.
5073558 AHUaHauhaUaH coff, coff, coff, gasp, gah, coooooooof, gasp....
*the above transcription is a literall transcription of what hapenned to the reader after reading such comment from the wrriter...the reader is almost ok now...coff*
5073691
I might be hooked on the chase now but it was this beautiful story that drew me in. Everything from its complex characters and their tear-jerking trials to the thought provoking issues riddled through your tale.
BLESS YOU FOR UPDATING THIS!
That said, may this humble fan offer their two cents?
Firstly, I agree that those 'experts' are sleaze, wouldn't be surprised if they were bribed as a roundabout ad campaign
, but please don't assume all guys are like them. My parents taught me, through a combination of lecture and relating past experiences, that an individual should be judged on choice and works not gender. This seems to have made me something of an anomaly in my generation based on what typical stereotypes keep telling my how I should be (selfish, controlling, sex crazed, etc.) but I have had to face no end of frustration trying to live the example set by my family only to be bullied for weakness, looked at as if I were broken, or just ignored in favor of the established stereotypes
. It may be hard to believe and there may not me many of us in a position to make any change but there are guys out there trying to do what is right.
Secondly, aside from those 'experts' being relics from the dark ages, they set a terrible example of academia by trying to quantify human behavior with their half baked logic. Even if their conclusions on supposed blame were based on actual case studies you can't just shout to the world this is how things are and assume all other cases will be the same
. If I were asked? Aside from it being a stupid questions for too many reasons to list here, without any information aside from what you see in a random magazine I would guess 10 - 20 % of blame on victim. At most. Why? Look around. Profiteering individuals, from both genders I might add, use sex appeal to sell everything from clothing lines to food products. The whole point of sex appeal is to influence latent instincts to strongly lead someone in a different direction and when we toy with those instincts, as child gets burned playing with fire, that leads people to terrible results. As for the rest... For all of our short comings, the human race has come too far as a species too blame everything on instinct. It may influence but it is not a deciding factor. Also, take one look at news feed and, horrible as it is to admit, there is no requirement for the victim/assailant roles in such a situation: male, female, young, old, and any combination. 
Anyway, sorry if that was a bit longwinded and preachy
but emotionally involving work like this does come with ranting fans having to vent. 
5073408
Are you implying you have gave up on polishing the sentence and have finished it based on 'sexual approach' ( aka fuck this!)?
5073387 I think you mean "probably written by a non rape victim." There are male rape victims, and believe me, they would never write something like that.
5074297
Regardless, victim-blaming is a disgusting practice and it doesn't end with rape.
Nuuuuuuuuu! Being shy is not a flaw Candy Corn!!! You were supposed to be Fluttershy 2: Electric Remix. All my adorbs, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?
So, Noctilucent is going to meet Merriweather. This could either help Noctilucent or cause him more pain. I have a feeling that Nocty won't get his cutie mark until he conquers his demon(s).
5074316 oh, don't get me wrong, rape blaming is a truly terrible thing, but being male doesn't even remotely exclude someone from rape. Also, being female doesn't mean that they won't blame the victim
5074731
Exactly.
5073429 and the data/paper that proves that 9/10 guys will blame the victim for rapes is published where?
After reading the comment section, I had an epiphany. Most people, if the arguments postulated by the articles and comments are to be believed, do not think of rape the way I do. I ignorantly thought this was the common understanding: rape involves intentionally touching another person's sexual organ without consent for any reason. Just to make some perspective clear, I'm a guy.