Chapter 19
The dreamscape shifted suddenly and Noctilucent found himself standing in a nursery. A very large nursery. The world suddenly seemed much larger.
No he thought to himself, I’ve become a lot smaller he realised. He was foal sized again. He had short stubby little legs, tiny little wings, and a small body. He peered down between his front legs and looked towards his tail. Yep, everything back there is smaller too. He felt diminished and ashamed as he examined what remained between his hind legs.
He looked around, turning in a circle, and saw a very large Princess Luna moving towards him. He almost felt panicked. She was large and very scary looking somehow.
Noctilucent felt a peculiar tingle in his body. His mind whirled. His thoughts jumbled, he wanted to tell Princess Luna all about his Shadow, his feminine self, his inner foal, but none of that came out of his mouth. He continued to shrink, to grow smaller and smaller, until he realised he was about the same size as Shortbread Cookie, and Princess Luna, now Mother Luna, loomed over him hugely.
“Aw, look at you, you’re so adorable,” Mother Luna said.
Noctilucent struggled, his adult thoughts finding it difficult to function in this body. He tried to tell Mother Luna was what wrong, to tell her about his other selves. He tried to say so many words. What came out however…
“Blufu Lulu,” Noctilucent cooed in a very foalish burble.
“Yes, I am ‘Lulu’ and I am blue. Very good!” Mother Luna praised.
The adult part of Noctilucent banged away at its mental prison, unable to do much of anything. Mother Luna lay down on a cushion, rolled over on her side, and exposed her navel to Noctilucent.
Her navel and two something elses.
Noctilucent screamed inside of his own brain. This wasn’t a dream, this was a nightmare. He was diminished, trapped in the body of a foal, unable to speak or protest, and currently staring hungrily at two teats while licking his lips with his tiny orange tongue.
He felt himself scooped up and pulled close, feeling her warmth upon his body. He closed his eyes, and felt heat near his nose, and the enticing smell of sustenance. His own body betrayed him and he could feel his lips begin questing to take in a teat so he could suckle and gain nourishment. A wing wrapped over him protectively and pulled him in closer, and he felt lips wrap around a teat.
The milk was overpoweringly sweet and his foal-self could not get enough.
His adult mind flailed about its prison, unable to stop the events going on.
He could feel the teat in his mouth, the soft warm hairs of Luna’s belly against his side, the sweet creaminess of the milk clinging to his taste buds. He could hear himself suckle, slurping away hungrily.
“All you needed was a mother’s love,” Mother Luna murmured in a strangely soothing voice.
No! he cried in his own mind, unable to say anything else.
“No?” Mother Luna asked, minor irritation in her voice. “Am I not the mother you wanted? Would this be a better mother for my little snuggle-wuggle bear?”
The wing was gone and suddenly Noctilucent’s vision was flooded with white. He felt his muzzle push down harder and deeper, taking in more of the teat and slurp-suckling away, making little happy whimpers.
“Oh, this is what my little foal needed, my little cutesy wootsy pootsy pie!”
Noctilucent quailed inside his own mind. That was Quirky’s voice he realised as his body continued to suckle greedily. This was quite possibly the second worst nightmare he had ever had to endure.
There was no sexual arousal in his foal body, the foal body did not seem to notice that its nose was but a few scant inches away from Quirky’s marehood. It cared nothing about these things. It only wanted to suckle, snuggle close, and to feel warm, safe, and secure.
The nursing seemed to last forever, and Noctilucent was certain that some part of him was scarred for life. He would never again be able to look Quirky in the eye and kissing her ever again was right out of the question.
He blinked, Quirky’s white pelt and pink teats flooding his vision.
When he opened his eyes again, he was back inside the hospital. Things were still being repaired. Little Me was standing beside him, licking his messy milk-covered lips and looking quiet satisfied.
There were very disturbing sounds echoing through the hallways. Grunting. Panting. Whimpers and cries of what sounded like pleasure. He began to walk down the hall, trying to find the source of the sounds, but not actually wanting to find the source of the sound.
A loud lingering moan floated down the hallway.
He rounded a corner, walked a ways down the hall, and stopped in front of a patient room door, staring inside, not believing what he was seeing.
The other two versions of himself quickly pulled apart from one another and looked at him sheepishly.
“Is this considered masturbation?” Noctilucent asked his other selves.
“Oh gosh I hope Little Me didn’t see too much, this could warp his little mind,” She Noctilucent cried in worry.
“I have needs!” Shadow Noctilucent said in his own defense. “And she was willing to put out.”
She Noctilucent slapped Shadow Noctilucent with her wing. “You told me you loved me!”
“I am all about self love baby,” Shadow Noctilucent replied, ducking away from the savage slapping he was getting now, She Noctilucent’s wings flailing at him repeatedly. “I had to get rid of you so I told you Luna was coming and sent you off, I am sorry, but I mean, look at her, she’s beautiful!”
“You think I am beautiful?” She Noctilucent said, ceasing her attacks.
“I am one pretty little pegasus,” Shadow Noctilucent replied, “and I only want the best. I deserve the best. I get the best. You’re beautiful.”
Noctilucent rolled his eyes.
“You’re such a flatterer,” She Noctilucent said, batting her eyelashes.
“I had the emotional intimacy I needed!” Little Me chirped.
“Aw, that’s good dear,” She Noctilucent cooed.
“So this is what it is like to go mad,” Noctilucent said to himself.
“No, this is what it is like to go sane, She Noctilucent replied in soothing warm tones. “We’re free now. It might take some time to get settled, but I think things are going to get better. Now stop looking at your mother figure like that after you just got done being teat fed and I was interrupted in the middle of -ahem-. It makes things very awkward dearie.”
Noctilucent dropped his gaze and stared at the floor. “This cannot be more awkward,” he muttered.
“Sure it can,’ Shadow Noctilucent replied with a wicked grin. “You and I could probably get her going in a threesome! She’s needy. Just tell her she’s pretty and that you need the intimacy if you are ever going to heal.”
She Noctilucent’s scream reverberated inside of Noctilucent’s head and he awoke with a muffled cry of alarm.
Noctilucent stared at his own reflection in the mirror. It was still dark, not yet dawn, and he had showered while everything was still quiet. He stared into the mirror intently, wondering which face was staring back at him.
“You have a lot to do today,” Noctilucent said to his reflection. “We should get it done early, before it gets too hot.” He kept his voice low. Princess Luna was just upstairs and the foals were in room nearby.
“Today, everything changes. I know what I need to do. It isn’t much of a plan, but anything you think of in the shower seldom is. Time to throw caution to the wind and take the first step of the plan. I don’t know how to save myself, but I do know that if I can probably help these foals. But I’m stupid, so I need to fix that,” he explained to his reflection. “If I am going to help them, I need to learn how to help them.”
For a terrifying moment, there were two faces in the mirror. His own, and Shadow Noctilucent’s. “We will do anything to help a foal,” Shadow Noctilucent said. “Remember what we are as a pegasus. Talk to Lethe, she is a pegasus too.”
“I will,” Noctilucent promised to himself.
Shadow Noctilucent vanished from the mirror.
Noctilucent studied his own reflection, taking in everything. His one white ear, his one blue ear, the white patch around his eye, the white spattering of freckles he had and had always hated, his purple mane and violet eyes.
He made peace with the face staring back at him, and resolved to never allow his reflection to come to harm ever again. He drew in a deep breath, held it for a moment, examining his barrel, and then blew it out. He was entirely too scrawny and bird like. He did not have an exciting physique.
He was what he was, nothing less, nothing more. He resolved to make improvements within where it mattered.
Noctilucent patiently waited through breakfast, greeted Lethe, spoke to Princess Luna briefly about needing to go to the library, and waited until bathtime to depart. He left Shortbread Cookie in Quirky’s care, not knowing if Quirky would be there on his return, and then he left.
The morning sun was already almost unbearably hot.
It was a long walk to the library, or maybe it was a short walk and the blistering sun only made it seem like a death march. He was a pegasus on a mission though, and would cross the desert if he had to. The library was a giant beehive shaped adobe building, round, and somewhat conical. He hurried his pace a bit and made for the doors, feeling the blessed coolness when he walked inside. He stood for a moment to catch his breath, and then approached one of the librarians.
“I need some help,” Noctilucent requested.
“How can I help you?” the librarian replied kindly.
“I know you can enroll and register for university classes in any library. I want to enroll in Las Pegasus University and take courses through the mail. I also need to apply for financial aid,” Noctilucent said.
“I would be happy to help with that,” the librarian replied. “I’ll even help you fill out the forms.” The librarian headed off to a filing cabinet, retrieved some papers, held them aloft in a pale yellow magical aura, directed Noctilucent to a chair and a table, and then sat down.
“Name?” she asked.
“Noctilucent,” he replied.
“Oh, that’s pretty,” she commented. “Any education?”
“Secondary school. I finished.”
“Any income?”
“No. I am currently a live in volunteer at the Mustang Springs Orphanage.”
“Oh, that’s very nice of you, I hope you will stay, poor Holly needs help. I’ll put that down as your address too.”
“I intend to do more than stay, just not sure what to do.”
“Any idea for a field of specialised study?”
“Foal psychology and development.”
“Oooh! You do actually want to stay and to help them all out. Any idea for a secondary specialisation, should you want one?”
“Interspecies interaction… I don’t know the words.”
“Interspecies communications and dynamics?”
“That sounds close enough. Put that down.”
“Are you willing to serve the Crown as part of your conditions for financial aid, dedicating a portion of your future career to whatever endeavours the Crown may ask of you?”
“I am already serving the Crown, so yes. My entire life if need be.”
“Do you want me to write that down? This form is legally binding sir.”
“Yes. Write it down. Better to entrust my life to something that will put it to better use than I have.”
“That’s very noble of you sir. Here, you need to sign here, here, and here.”
Noctilucent took the pen and signed in three places required.
“I wish you the very best of luck Noctilucent. We can get all of the university textbooks you need here, through the interlibrary loan system. We also have a few dictation pens, pens that will write your paper for you as you speak. Very handy for non unicorns.”
“Thank you, I will be taking advantage of those I think.”
“And thank you for helping Holly and those foals.”
Noctilucent reclined on a cushion, sipping apple soda through a straw, Shortbread Cookie right beside him. She was drooling on his foreleg, resting her head on him. He didn’t mind. He was just glad to be cool again.
Holly was teaching class, today’s lesson was all about equinity and what it meant to be a good pony. Or griffon. Or donkey. Today’s lesson was all about morals and ethics, a tough subject for any foal. Or adult.
Dr. Lethe was watching him, and Noctilucent gazed over at her from time to time. Princess Luna had left while he was gone. He had never had a chance to tell her about his shadow. He was going to have to talk to Dr. Lethe he supposed.
“Flubblupurbleblurpflllpppppth!” Shortbread Cookie mumbled in foal talk.
Noctilucent leaned his head down and kissed her, which caused her to close her eyes and beam, her smile almost as wide as her face.
Holly began to talk about making moral choices, using Sassafras’ refusal to eat anything that might talk as an example. Sassafras gagged in disgust as she always did when the subject came up, and Noctilucent began to wonder why. He wondered if it was more than a simple aversion. He stayed quiet, making mental notes, and quite without realising it, continued to ‘nest’ with Shortbread Cookie.
Dr. Lethe, watching Noctilucent, did realise what he was doing, and was busy taking notes, watching his every movement, every facial expression, every touch made with the foal, nothing escaped her observation. It was always fascinating watching a pegasus doing what came natural in the ‘wild’ whenever the opportunity presented itself. She observed plumage presentation from his good wing. The tail flicks. The flared nostrils. How his ears tracked sounds from different places in the room. The quick darting of his eyes. What he lacked in raw intimidation, he made up for with attentiveness.
The dappled pegasus was a magnificent specimen, and Dr. Lethe hoped to observe his courtship rituals someday soon. She was also making plans to begin therapy sessions, and her observations would be most useful in figuring out the real Noctilucent hidden under the shy introverted exterior.
He was a reluctant participant in social herd bonding, which was natural as an introvert, but showed promise when properly motivated. Once made comfortable, even if forced into the situation initially, he adapted quickly and would make some small talk as well as other somewhat social gestures.
For a moment, the two pegasi locked eyes, the solar pegasus meeting the gaze of the lunar, and the pair observed one another. Noctilucent offered a faint smile after a long moment, bent his head down to plant his nose into Shortbread Cookie’s mane, and then he inhaled deeply, causing the foal to whinny.
Dr. Lethe continued to watch her final case study, hoping for more useful observations.
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Buck yeah! another one. your like a typing machine! keep them coming. I speak for everyone who manages to read this post: We love this story!
Just FYI. The source on your Cover Art is wrong, it links to a different picture.
-Lumino
4467139
Thanks. Fixed. Weird, I thought I had that fixed.
4467153
Not quite. It is a direct link to the image now, it should ideally go to the DA page for the picture.
It is promotion for your artist, even though Arby signed it.
-Lumino
4467170
I don't have a link to the page, only to the image directly. It was the link I was given via PM.
4467170
There. Is fixed.
For some reason I find myself with Dr. Lethe in that the most interesting part of the chapter for me was watching him and reading her thoughts on his instinctual behavior around the foal. Not sure why...
Wonder if the scenes with Luna and Quirky came about from their teasing him?
4467263
No...
Shadow Noctilucent is entirely to blame.
Note that he was the one who sent Noctilucent off to meet 'Luna.'
Little Me got his emotional intimacy, Shadow Noctilucent had some nookie with She Noctilucent, and poor Noctilucent, well, he got the psychological horror.
May have had some influence from the teasing though.
If I had parties like this in my head, I think I'd be in a coma for a while.
And if it's not?
4467283
Well then, time to party.
Yeah, I think this is where I walk away. No offense, the story has just gone in a direction that I'm no longer interested in following.
And no, not due to any 'horrific' elements, whatever those were. I'm just...done here.
Good luck with it, though!
4467354
I am sorry. May I ask, what bothered you so much exactly?
This entire chapter, has me like 'WTF'? I don't understand a single thing that happened and why. I hope the next chapter better explains this one, and isn't another confusing one. My brain has been fried enough.
4467357
Yeah, I figured I couldn't throw something like that up without having to explain myself, but I was trying to avoid a grievance-dumping - and the ensuing debate it would cause - in your comments thread. The short version is, honestly, it just started to feel like work reading it. I loved the early characterizations of the characters (especially the children), but I've started to feel lately that they are too heavily guided - and, thereby, limited - by the pop-psych and psychoanalytical backgrounds that you've provided, more like characters in a parable or morality play. But, I suppose, the dream sequences did finish it off for me. I can enjoy such sequences that are engaging on their own, even if there is symbolism buried within. The recent ones in this story, however, felt to me rather more like a sledgehammer whose sole purpose is to bludgeon us with the point. In essence, my suspension of disbelief has failed - I don't believe the things that are happening (in this case, the purely symbolic dreams Noct has been having) would actually happen, and instead, are just there to serve the plot.
I know my opinion will be unpopular, and I'd prefer not to start a flamewar here, though I suppose it's probably too late for that. These are just my personal feelings on the matter. But, the fact is, I'm just not feeling this story anymore. I may revisit it later and decide that I was an idiot. But, at least for now, I'm done here.
As I said before, good luck. Hopefully you can find an editor to clean up all the small stuff, even if your inhuman pace would be nearly impossible to keep up with.
4467354 I'm going to have to second this, for some of the same reasons and some of my own. I'm not really sure what direction I expected or wanted this story to go in, but this... isn't it. :x Certain elements are just making me uncomfortable, and the psychoanalyzing just... distances everything. I really liked this in the beginning, but it doesn't have that same feel of self-discovery that it did then. I can't say this story has lost its way, because you probably intended this all from the beginning, but it's lost the flavor that I liked about it. It was a lot more earnest, a lot more character-driven, I guess? Now the seams are a lot more visible; things aren't coming off as natural as they were beforehand, and a lot of the themes feel ham-fisted. The personal growth angle came off much stronger when we weren't psychoanalyzing it in-story.
I think this story began to get weird for me when Quirky showed up; I liked it much more when it was just Nocty, Holly, and the foals. But Lethe's killed it for me with her perspective. To clarify, I'm not averse to new characters, but I felt that the 'feel' of the story began to change to a more uncomfortable nature when Quirky appeared, and then gained additional flavors of tedium with Lethe, alongside the discomfort.
I'm not a fan of the constant focus on or references to sexuality in situations where it's not merited; Noctilucent immediately thinking about his bits in a dream was
, and then talking randomly about teats or gryphon penises just comes off as hellaciously awkward to me and dragged me out of the story. The dream age-regression was a similarly unwanted experience. Maybe I'm just immature - I'm not the most sexual-minded of people. But I will read it; it's just, there's a time and place for sexual focus, and that's during sexual situations, or if your character's a pervert. I really don't like reading it where it's not merited, and I think the only time it ever is merited in this story is when Noctilucent and Quirky were in the same scene. The rest of the time, it just felt like you wanted to write something sexual, so you threw it in wherever.
Reading your AN... no, I do not feel remotely aroused by these situations. Mostly disgusted. That's a bit pretentious to assume your readers' reactions, don't you think? Especially when - do forgive me, but you have a habit of missing the mark.
I wish you luck in future stories, and maybe I'll come back and poke at this when it's done, but I'm going to unfollow it for the moment. You can keep the favorite, because this was a good story at the beginning.
4467517
Well, I certainly hope there is no flame war.
It is in fact meant to be a bludgeoning force. And I am doing with this fic with psychology with what I am doing in The Chase with sociology. Although both stories use elements of sociology and psychology.
If it helps, a large part of the psychological bludgeoning is over, or soon will be, and the story focus will shift slightly. Chapter 20 is a major transitional point where the first "big step" of the story will be over. The last major character will be introduced, Noctilucent will begin his studies for school and well attend therapy sessions, talking about his past, what he wants for his future, or what he thinks he wants anyways, and the foals will continue to develop.
Dreams will continue to play a huge role in the story though.
And there will also be dates with Quirky, which will be a whole new level of psychological trauma.
It is a shame that you are falling out just before the shift.
I do hope you will pick it up again later, and really, I don't want any more flamewars.
It honestly feels kind of like these chapters on Jungian and pop-psychology should be their own separate story, not the same as the one we started out with. We started in one place, and we've been pretty much starting over with something else. This just isn't the same story it was a few chapters ago.
You're also having to use the author's notes to explain things too much. That's not a good sign either.
I'm not going away because of this, but you seem to be having trouble keeping the story on track. You're also starting to have some issues with the psychology being a bit arcane to many readers.
4467624
I figured this would be a problem sooner or later...
And so I've restricted the hard hitting stuff to just a few chapters along the beginning. After the problems were introduced and established, I planned to blend them into the background of the story.
I realise I am dealing with some tough concepts to tackle.
As stated, the problems have been mostly established, and now get blended.
The Chase had similar problems for a while. People had to adjust and then things smoothed out. I hope they do here as well.
4467635
Maybe you should do this like The King of Hearts does with Off the Record: have your main Noctilucent story (this) be slice of life and when you want to mix things up, or explore a different aspect of the characters lives, do a side story.
That being said, almost 20 chapters in, it's probably too late to go that route.
4467670
Too many background details that are just too important. If people didn't read the supplemental stuff, there would be gaping holes in the story.
It had to be established just how troubled Noctilucent really is, and what his issues are. Otherwise, the therapy and his schooling wouldn't make a lot of sense later. It be a case of
as you read through his conversations with Lethe or as they used his own troubles as focal points for his school lessons.
Make sense? Sort of? I hope...
The dreams and the psychological aspects are their own characters, and they had to be introduced. It doesn't make them the main focal point, but I had to give them enough page time to establish them so they will be relevant later.
And regarding chapter 20
The bat pony foal from the reader poll will arrive, and a minor character will be introduced. A blues picking diamond dog that gives lessons to Sassafras.
After that, things will slowly settle into something of a pattern.
Dear author, after what you just did you must marry my brain.
4467750
Oh dear Goddess, what did I do now?
4467703
That's the thing. KoH's additions to Off the Record are pretty much independent stories and I'm willing to bet that if you test that with this story, people will read them, I know I would. They don't need to be tied to the original. Another thing he does when he releases a side story is he throws in a "chapter" containing a link to the side story.
Your explanations are clear to me, but think about it. Maybe start one with Noctilucent getting in an accident in town, putting him in a coma and he deals with his fragmented mind. No Holly, no kids, no Quirky, no Luna, no Lethe, just the Noctilucents.
4467758
You fucked it! My brain's daddy says that he'll shoot you, and then cut off your testicles if you won't marry my poor dishonored brain.
Thank you Team Four Star for having a gag that's a great reaction to that dream.
In more story related news, not sure if Noctilucent was technically lying to himself to get some.
I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure we've just about gotten to the "acceptance" part of all this. Yay progress!
And that's pretty much it on my end, keep going good please.
4467769
A coma you say...
I don't know how to integrate something like that.
4467781
Like I said, make it an independent story. Have him go out on the town with a few of the foals, something's about to happen to them, he intervenes and takes the hit, boom, there's your coma.
4467789
Suspension of disbelief has already been mentioned once...
See, I am not sure I could do that. And the story is already established.
It isn't a bad idea, just not sure how it would work here.
4467758 you had 2 portions of a brain fuck... or I believe that's what he's getting at.
4467804
You can do it. KoH was almost thirty chapters in before the first side story was released. Maybe some time after the background on everyone is fleshed out, work with that idea.
4467854
Maybe. I do plan some side stories for this story. But what is currently here is staying here.
The mini-story with Merriweather I planned to do as a separate feature.
4467866
Cool. I'll enjoy reading how that turns out.
I'll send you a PM with a basic outline of what I had in mind.
Well, I would PM you, but the site won't let me for some reason. So I'll put my idea here and use the spoiler code.
Noctilucent takes some of the foals into town to run some errands, something happens that endangers one of them, he takes the hit, is taken to the local clinic/hospital and slips into a coma. Noctilucent gets his bearings after the hit and interacts with his other selves as a group.
Noctilucent goes one-on-one with his other selves, starting with his Shadow. After a possibly violent dispute, he spends time with his inner child. After that, he confronts his feminine side, which ends up opening him to thinking about starting a relationship with Quirky, then he decides to tie up loose ends, which would eventually lead to the Merriweather side story.
He wakes up a bit more confident in himself.
With all that said, I'm really enjoying your story. Keep it up.
For me this stuff makes sense and is relatable to my personal life, I wish i could empthize more with yall that arent enjoying the story or where the story is mind-bucking you. I do hope that you will come back and see how things turn out as things look promising.
P.S. I have a strong backround in child and adolecent psychology from many college classes so these topics dont do anything but spark my intrest, much like the asylum fic series
Well, this will be awkward to explain, but well worth seeing
Of course not! Best plans are made on the crapper. None of those I made there, failed me.
BTW. I'm introvert, so I'm feeling you Nocty.
4467976
Context?
4468304 Awkward to explain to anyone, especially to Luna. I loved the humour of awkwardness
4468336
Ah.
Yes. Social awkwardness is always fun.
4468351 Especially for everyone's favourite socially awkward blue alicorn pony, Luna.
Well... now that Nocty Has bucked himself he can go to college to improve himself. I mean all that in the best possible way. I'm not the biggest fan of sex in stories, but you have written it all in a way that is fun and entertaining or in a way that fills me with anger and outrage. I.E. Nocty's Shadow bucking She-Nocty is hilarious, but Nocty's "Friend" taking advantage of the mare whose name escapes me at the moment fills me with anger. So five hundred points for excellent use of the sex tag and Kudos to Shadow Nocty for getting his self love and kudos to Nocty Nocty for getting an education... at the expense of what remains of his soul... or something like that!
4468632
Her name is Merriweather, I remember the name by associating it with Merriweather Williams, one of the show's writers.
4468685
Just not Shortbread Cookie.
4468689
Oh...
4468685 That;s a really good way of remembering it... Thanks! Merriweather... Merriweather... Okay!
4468727
No problem.
4468727
That is actually where I took the character name from. She also did some of my fav Adventure Time episodes.
And Bats.