The Realm of Ponies

Carter and Sadie had no idea they would be sent to a different world. They didn't even know the spell that brought them there existed. But there they were, stranded, confused.

Chapters (2)

Prologue: mane 6- The Winter Wrap-Up Crew Gets a Surprise · 12th May 2014 · 741 words
741
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1: Carter- we find the weird spell · 8th Jul 2015 · 172 words
172
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Comments ( 4 )

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ShadowblazeCR

ShadowblazeCR #1 · Jul 20th, 2014 · · · Prologue: mane 6- The Winter Wrap-Up Crew Gets a Surprise ·

This is happening more and more often. Before I begin I'm sorry if I offend you these are just my opinions. Great plot horrible first chapter. Here's a few reasons why.

Indenting, OH CELESTIA how hard is it to indent your paragraphs, look at any published book it has indented paragraphs. Try to do that.

Backstory, you need a prologue for your prologue. Where'd they come from, how'd they get there. You need to have it explained not just have it happen.

Huh?, these are the moments that don't make sense. How does one of the sibling break down have Pinkie sing a song end up at suger cube corner and just be fine with the surprise party?

Okay, you've got a great original idea but your not going about it right. Have what's happening before they get there, don't make them immediately accept what's happening. Pretty much you could've done a lot better and you need an editor/proofreader. I really like your idea and if you want to I would be happy to edit/proofread for you, just PM me and if you've gotten this far i can tell you I've given you the first like.

Till the next one

-R

A Shady Zebra

A Shady Zebra #2 · Jul 20th, 2014 · 1 · · Prologue: mane 6- The Winter Wrap-Up Crew Gets a Surprise ·

Uh...

The cover art and description give an apt description of this story, I suppose in this case you can judge a book by it's cover.

SharpNote the FABULOUS

SharpNote the FABULOUS #3 · Jul 21st, 2014 · · · Prologue: mane 6- The Winter Wrap-Up Crew Gets a Surprise ·

4722048

Indenting, OH CELESTIA how hard is it to indent your paragraphs, look at any published book it has indented paragraphs. Try to do that.

There's no button for that. I'm on mobile.

Backstory, you need a prologue for your prologue. Where'd they come from, how'd they get there. You need to have it explained not just have it happen.

Stay tuned for this improvement

Huh?, these are the moments that don't make sense. How does one of the sibling break down have Pinkie sing a song end up at suger cube corner and just be fine with the surprise party?

the first part takes place at... Prob noonish. Which means there are at least 8 hours between Sadie's comment on Carter's clothes and the party. Also, one of the sibling.
PAECE