Mourning Bitter, Sweetest Sleep.

by Didlsbrony4evah

Where dreams aren't sweet.

Icy Stream stood in shock, his face showing little emotion. Frigid had emerged from his examination ceremony looking downright haggard- an emotion Icy had never thought he'd see on his little brothers' face. even from a distance, he could see the tears threatening to spill from his brothers' eyes. His parents, noticing the sudden change of expression, turned to face their pegasus son.

"Frigid?" His mother ventured, her voice being the first to find its' courage. "Are you alright?" The quavering of her voice seemed to shy away from its' own speaking, and Frigid visibly gritted his teeth. Mother looked across her shoulder to Father, who was still fumbling to find his own words. With a hiss of breath being drawn, he seemed to test the fragile ice that had just formed between the four.

"Son? Did something happen? It's okay, son, we're here for you." A tentative hoof struggled to place itself closer to the shaken pegasus, the near-inaudible clop being just enough to shatter the tension.

"No! it's not okay!" The words shot from Frigids' muzzle with the delicacy of a blunderbuss. "Nothing is ever going to be okay! I wasn't good enough! I couldn't.. I couldn't do it! I failed!" Frigids' head dropped, his entire frame shaking as he fought against the turbulent emotions rattling within him. Mother and father stood quiet, mouths agape- and I couldn't seem to do any better. there had to be something I could say, anything that would help fix this- I just couldn't sit and watch Frigid fall apart like this.

Before I could even think of what to say I found my hooves pushing our parents aside, lurching my heavy body closer to the obviously horrified Frigid. I threw my forehooves around him, positioning my shoulder just beneath his muzzle. "shh... It'll be alright Frigde, it was just a test. Everything's going to be fine..." I could feel him swallow his sobs back fruitlessly as he pushed me forcefully away from him. Breath hissed between his teeth, in and out and back in before he practically screamed out his response.

"NO! It's not just a test! Everypony worked so hard so they could be here, and I- and I failed! I couldn't even keep my promise to you, and it's- it's not even m-my fault! I did everything I could, and y- and you couldn't even be bothered to notice I was failing! I just wanted t-to prove that I could do it a-and I... And I... why am I so weak..." his sobs forced their way back into his throat and choked out any words that may have came next. Frigid turned away from us, trying in vain to hide his 'weakness'. I fumbled with my tongue against my lips. Frigid was wrong. He was anything but weak, and the years of effort he had put in to preparing for this test had only gone to prove that. I felt Mother brush past me, saw her hoof raise up towards Frigids' shoulder. Her eyes caught his for what felt like an eternal moment, and something happened to Frigid that I couldn't quite explain. Something left his eyes, some light that had followed his eager training for the past two years and driven him to try ever harder in pursuit of his goals. Before Mothers' hoof could try to comfort him as I had attempted, he spat viciously, slapping her leg away with a quick unfurling of his wing.

"NO!" His shout attracted the attention of a nearby group of pegasi, who took one look at the scene unfolding before quickly trotting away. Frigid must have seen it too, because the hollowness in his eyes filled with even more anger. He pushed Mothers second advance away with even less restraint, bellowing like a cow with the madness in it. "No! Just, just stay away from me! Don't try to coddle me like some- like some foal that needs to be rocked! You just think I'm weak, and I hate it! I hate you!..." Frigid recoiled at Mothers sob, taking several steps back. "Just... stay away from me." He said in a harsh whisper before turning and throwing himself into the skies.

As I watched my brother fly away, a piece of me seemed to rip at my gut. If only I could follow him, try to make things right- but i couldn't. My horn sat useless on my head as I watched my brother fly away. The look in fathers' eyes as he tracked Frigids progress towards the horizon couldn't hide that he wanted to himself, and that he would have without hesitation if not for the openly lamenting mare clinging to his neck. Father folded a wing across Mother in a gesture I couldn't understand, and I knew I couldn't leave it like this. Breaking into a gallop, I ran without stopping to the one place I knew Frigid would go now.

====

The snowy pegasus had gone exactly where I thought he would- his private room just off campus of the Academy. He'd insisted on the space, knowing that he would feel better having a bed away from the mock barracks in the Academy to retreat to when things got too hard to face. nopony begrudged him his sanctuary- Tartarus, he wasn't even the only trainee who had rented from the building. As I forced my weary hooves to bring me to the steps of the dorms, I could already see the more successful of Frigids' class beginning to head towards Canterlot proper for their celebrations.

That should be us going to celebrate. I can't believe how this is turning out...

I dragged myself up the steps and down the open-air hallway that served as access to the individual rooms. The faintest scent of walnut peelings reminded me that Autumn was coming, and the local squirrels were busy hoarding away their bounty of the things both in and out of their tough green shells. The scent reminded me of why Frigid had wanted to join the Guard in the first place.

Grandfather had loved walnuts.

I raised my hoof to knock, pausing as I noticed that the key had been left haphazardly in the lock. frigid must have still been upset by the time he'd gotten to his cozy sanctuary. I cast a quick look behind me at the open air of the dormitory courtyards- the sun was casting a brilliant orange hue over the horizon as it finished its' descent out of sight. The moon would be out soon, and the talk of the morning had been how the uncomfortable heat would doubtlessly be dispelled by it's cool, pale glow. I pushed the rickety door open, casting a strip of fiery orange to flood the darkened quarters. Frigid had his face stuffed into a pillow, his body still shaking at uneven intervals with his choppy sobs. He noticed me entering, I was certain, but he made no effort to acknowledge my presence.

That was fine, I didn't need him to say anything. The run over had given me plenty of time to think about what I could say. Pulling frigids rolling desk chair from the opposite corner of the room with my horn, I sat gently into it. The pegasus-designed rollers squeaked in protest of my heavier frame, and I lightly brushed one of Frigids feathers back into place.

"Are you feeling better?" If I hadn't been the one to speak, I would have sworn no words had been said. Frigid paused for the longest few seconds I had felt in years, and slowly shook his head. The slow movement felt like a spike driven into my heart. we sat in silence for a few minutes before I could work up the courage to speak again.

"I know how hard it must have been for you today... I'm not saying that what you did was justified, but... I know that Mom will forgive you. You were upset, it happens to all of us." More silence greeted those words after they left me, and I couldn't help but sigh. "Remember what Grandad always used to say? About life being hard, and sometimes the only way to feel good is to pretend it isn't?" A slow nod crinkled the pillowcase Frigid was plastered up against and I continued. "Remember how he used to just take us up to the old walnut tree on the hill and we could just watch the clouds drift by, and you'd always fall asleep? He always took us there when things got hard. After Sis got hurt, and when Pa found out he couldn't work anymore... but he took us there on good days too, remember? And every time, you'd curl up on the gnarled root of that old walnut tree and just drift away..." I carefully studied Frigids' powder-blue mane for any sign of acknowledgement. I got nothing for the effort.

"Grandad always told me that you were visiting the stars, and that dreams made it easier to cope with things sometimes. But he always made sure to tell us that we couldn't rely on our dreams to take care of us. In the end, we're always going to wake up and our problems will still be there. He told me we couldn't let ourselves start to prefer our dreams over what was real... and he was right. every time things got hard, it was always so tempting to just curl up on that gnarled old root and let myself drift away with you, but I couldn't. He said he'd give you the same talk when you were old enough, but I don't even know if he had time to before..." I trailed off, my chest fending away the clawing feeling that had crept into it. Frigid stayed silent, his breathing slowly working away from the choppy spurts that had started outside the Academy. I allowed myself the tiniest of smiles at that.

"He said that we should always sleep bitter, that the morning may taste sweeter. I never understood what it meant for the longest time until I went to magic school. I couldn't so much as lift a bucket of water a foot off the ground, and some of the other colts were starting to pester me about it... I had a sanctuary in the hedges that I liked to get into, just for napping. After a while, I found myself looking forward to those naps more and more, and I stopped trying as hard in class. When Grandad died, I remembered what he'd said and... I guess somehow I finally understood. he was trying to tell me that no matter what I dreamed about, I couldn't hide from the thing that made me seek the dreams in the first place. I don't know why I got it then. It was hard, but I made myself try more in class and, eventually, I stopped having trouble with my magic. After that I never needed the hedges again." I looked down from the ceiling and gave a glance towards my brother, whose' wings had slid from their folded position and over the sides of his mattress.

"I guess you're asleep, huh? I wonder how much of that you heard..." I stood up, the wheels of the desk chair creaking again in relief as they were freed from my weight. "I know it's going to be a hard night for you, Frigid. You always did have nightmares when you fell asleep sad." I pulled his blanket over him, feeling that the heat of the day would most certainly break before he woke. "I know this is going to be a bitter sleep for you, Frigid, but... Try to taste how sweet the morning will be, okay?" I murmured as if to myself. A final gaze cast towards my brother and I left, seeing the last bit of sunset disappear behind a gnarled old walnut tree.

====

Frigid woke up in a cold sweat, his blanket bunched haphazardly along the edge of his bed. he'd pushed it off of himself some time before the heat had broken, he could tell- though he couldn't remember quite how it had gotten there in the first place. He couldn't tell how long he'd been asleep, only that the moon was well past its' zenith in the deep indigo sky. Frigid stepped into the brisk first breeze of Autumn and took a deep breath. It tasted of walnuts.

"Bitter..."

Author's Note:

This story is one of the few things I've ever sat down and typed start to finish without interruption. I've held the phrase that inspired this fic near and dear to my heart for so long, I can scarcely imagine when I first began using it.

Sleep bitterly that the morning may taste sweeter, and let the breeze of waking breath from mortal coil free you.

I admit that this is the first time that even I have said the second part.

To sleep is to cleanse the soul of the day, and to wake is to emerge baptized in a new beginning. To me, waking up and wishing I hadn't was- and occasionally still is- one of the most terrifying thoughts I've ever entertained.

Whatever you believe about dreams, if they're a projection of the subconscious, a prophetic force of mysterious origin, or any of the multitude of other theories that float around the worlds' many cultures, I hope yours are just a bit more bitter than mine.

Comments

[The Orange Nebula]

I apologize for not getting back to you. Failing my classes so I got my hands full trying to make it up.
Excellent job though! :)

Seagulls

[Didlsbrony4evah]

4368328
Shut up and get good grades you hippie.

Seagulls.

[Beware The Carpenter]

Mother and father stood quiet, mouths agape- and I couldn't seem to do any better. there had to be something I could say, anything that would help fix this- I just couldn't sit and watch Frigid fall apart like this.

Better . should be better ;

I kept wondering how Icy Stream from chapter 1 would be the same as chapter 2; I was thinking this was going to be the hard talking to that exaggerates everything to motivate Frigid to prove him wrong, but I like your answer much better. Good work.

I'm currently broke for yesses, will you take my IOU?

[Beware The Carpenter]

Sort of reminds me of my headcannon for Trixie; saying that she grew up in a small town with only a few unicorns and a poor school. She spent her whole childhood able to get A's without studying, and was three times more powerful than any adults in the town, making her really think she was the best in the world. She left her small town to go conquer the world, failed an application to Celestia's school which she concluded must have been a mistake, managed to get into another high-end magic school and suddenly she was a low-average, barely making passing grades.

Couldn't deal with it.

[Didlsbrony4evah]

4707035
Holy mother of something with a spiky exoskeleton I forgot this even existed.

And then you came along and commented. Huh. Cool.