• Published 3rd Apr 2012
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So Long, and Thanks for All the Ponies - Sir Ginger



A re-imaginining of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy... with ponies naturally.

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Part 8- Origins

Far back in the earliest days of the universe, in what you could laughingly call the past if you felt so inclined, the first incident of equiform life evolved in a far flung corner of the galaxy on the planet Zacherle V, deep within the area known only as the Hasbro Zone. They were different from most ponies one might see today; they were heavier set, bulkier with smaller eyes and thicker muzzles. Evolution did its work on them, as is its wont. They became ever smaller. They also gained ever less varied personalities and ever less interesting social histories (at least for any outside observer, the ponies themselves never noticed, being too busy shopping and worrying about fashion, especially by the third generation or so.)

The forces of evolution experimented with wings, with horns, with sea-ponies, even trying out almost anthropomorphising the ponies, until eventually they hit upon a winning form; back to basics. Quadrupedal, with the three basic varieties of pony so familiar today. However, these new ponies carried what leading biologists refer to as the “Faust” gene, and the species exploded like it had never done before. It exploded twice indeed (which apparently one can indeed do), for it seemed as though the forces of nature on planets throughout the rest of the galaxy had been peering over the shoulders of Zacherle V, taking notes and shamelessly copying good ideas. Suddenly similar life-forms were springing up across the galaxy. Entirely different species, that for whatever reason looked and behaved in a very similar manner to those that evolved on Zacherle V. And so ponies, or at least equiform life-forms, became one of the most widespread and succesful groups in the galaxy. Suffice to say, the older evolved forms of pony (“generations” as they are sometimes called) do not share nearly the same level of ubiquity across the cosmos, but they do still exist here and there.

Our ponies are in fact part of the original species native to the original homeworld, if only through their creation by the God Princess of Equestria. Celestia had decided to perfectly replicate the species on her pet project, the magical planet from which our heroines and hero so unnecessarily escaped.


*

The reason for their current situation is currently sitting on a mattress, cheerfully composing songs to be sung should situations requiring songs arise. Nopony appreciated the effort that went into coming up with and memorising as many songs as she did. Friends paralysed with fear by an enemy who (crucially) actually could be dispelled by laughing at them? She had a song for that. Needing to persuade a friend to share a ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala? Covered. Stuck in a crack in the ground by a giant boulder you can’t move with no hope of rescue? Well, she was working on that. Admittedly, that was a little harder to work on. But she just couldn’t be caught without a song. It had happened once, she had only half composed a song for persuading a friend to summon the courage to jump over a relatively small crack, and though persuasion had worked, she felt bad that there hadn’t been a full on number.

“Just because we can’t get out,
Silly pony, there’s no need to pout!
Trapped, caught, stuck, unable to move,
Just let Auntie Pinkie sing for you!...”

She stopped. no, that wasn’t the right tone at all. And repetitive rhyming couplets simply weren’t good enough. She tapped a hoof under her chin. She needed to get her old composer back, this writer simply couldn’t write a song to save his life. And his chapter updates were getting sloppy, not to mention how desperate all those fourth wall breaks and self references made his writing style sound. If only...

Her train of thought was interrupted by Applejack pushing her way through a bead curtain into her temporary room.
“Sugarcube?”
“HI!” Pinkie leaped up, silently reminding the author that this wasn’t over yet.
“I think we need to have a bit of a chat.” Applejack was looking serious.
Pinkie’s ears drooped a tiny bit, and she cocked her head to one side. “What about?”
Applejack moved quickly, giving her friend a one legged hug. “Now now, no need to get worried, I’m not angry or anythin’. I just think... I don’t know, like I don’t know you like I used to think I knew you.” She paused to make sure her sentence had made sense, then moved on. “And the important thing is that I want to know you. You come out with all that fancy know-how and suddenly everything is different, and I don’t even want to understand this whole crazy universe I’m suddenly in. But I need to, and... well shoot Pinkie, I guess I’m asking for your story. How d’ya end up with us?”
Pinkie sank a little lower. “I’m sorry I never told you guys about everything.”
Applejack laughed, giving her a noogie with her free hoof. “You already said that ya silly, and I forgive you. I understand. I’m just curious.”
Pinkie rose, and it seemed to the farmer pony that music began to build in volume around them. A bouncy theme, that Pinkie’s voice moved in time with.

“The universe is huge,
That much is plain to see,
And once upon a time there came to be a pony named...”

An orange hoof was forced into her mouth. The others had long ago learned that this was just about the only way to stop a Pinkie Pie song. The hoof’s owner laughed.

“Sorry Sugarcube, but I think I want you to talk this one through. I don’t want to miss something ‘cause you couldn’t find a rhyme.”
The party pony pouted. “That was a really good one. I’ve had it written for ages.”
“Well, you can save it for when we’re all together again.”
“You’re RIGHT! And we can have a “Back Together Again PARTY!”
“You got that for sure. But please Pinkie, I want to know what you’ve been through.”
“Okey-dokey-lokey!” She leaned in close “but are you suuuuuure you don’t want the song?”


*


“I love this ship. She may have a heart of gold, but this baby has feathers of steel! Freeyow!”
“She doesn’t have feathers buddy!” Eddies cheerful voice ruined Zaphods sudden good mood.
“Shut up! You know what I mean, she flies on wings of froodiness!”
“No wings either El Capitano. Would you like a blueprint? You could use the study time to discover many new features which I urge you to share and enjoy! Share and enjoy!”
“Eddie, if you come out with that “share and enjoy” Belgium one more time I’ll hook your logic circuits up to the largest anonymous image board I can find and set you on read and translate!” There followed immediate silence. “Better!”

He touched a hoof to his face where Rarity had struck him.”In case you didn’t notice” he said, slipping easily into righteous indignation with rather less mental gear crunching than there would have been for a normal pony; “Somepony had to get back to the ship and get it prepped for take off. I just happened to be the only pony for the job.” He huffed. “I’ll accept your apologies now.”
Rarity stamped her hoof in frustration (in a genteel manner unlikely to chip a hoof) and stormed out. Fluttershy followed her, but Dash stayed behind, still on her adrenaline rush.

“So, have I earned a drink?”
Zaphod turned from the computer, letting the ship continue to drift through the vacuum of space in a corner of the galaxy. It was ( by a staggering coincidence) currently located at the exact centre of the universe, which was as it happened quite sensationally dull. Everything that had ever been going to happen here, had already happened when the universe had started, and like all the best parties, nobody had ever tried to replicate the event. Especially since they were still technically cleaning up after the first Big Bang.
“You sure have baby. Hey Marvin?”
“You know that while you were all out there having fun almost dying I have been naturally corroding at an abysmal pace. That part of me that is now elsewhere is the lucky part. It will take me many millenia to cease to be by natural means.” Marvin sighed heavily “I just lost another few molecules of iron oxide. Lucky molecules.”
“Shut it Marvin. Go make us a couple dozen drinks would you?”
“Time for my daily abysmally mindless task is it?”
“Just get on with it!”
“I regret to inform you that I am not permitted to supply you intoxicants while you pilot a craft.” He paused for a moment, considering this statement. “I regret this not because I worry about your happiness you understand, but because I regret every moment of my wretched existence. I wouldn’t want to give you any false impressions.”
“FINE, whatever, just go... do whatever it is you do.”
Marvin’s voice faded as he retreated from the bridge, humming a song he had composed about the precise distinctions between feeling tragic and feeling wretched.

“What’s the matter with him?” Dash asked, a frown etched on her cyan features. “Is he always like that?” She got to her hooves. “Should I talk to him?”
“Don’t bother. The paranoid android is faulty. Something those cats tried to do with articial intelligence, but they botched the whole joojooflop. Eddie here;” he indicated the terminal behind him “he’s faulty too. Don’t know which is worse; the computerised personification of prozac here or mister metallic misery out there.”
“So... you can’t do anything for him?”
“Never even tried. I’m pretty sure he enjoys it on some level, I’ve known cats like that before. ANYWAY.” he got up and moved to a panel which slid up, revealing large array of bottles. “What will you have?”
Rainbow eyed the bottles with caution. They came in all colours, at least three of which she was sure she hadn’t seen before, and at least one of the spirits was apparently trying to climb out of it’s bottle. “What have you got that’s strong?” Thinking quickly she added “But not likely to cause blindness”
Zaphod studied the bottles skeptically. “Define blind, I’m pretty sure we have the technical stuff together to replace eyes on this ship.”
“You what?”
“Oh yeah, we can do all sorts of stuff out here. That reminds me of a funny story actually, some froody mare I once met on some backwater planet had a few drinks with me, but left before I could get her eyes fixed! Always ended up with her eyes looking in odd directions. Kind of wall-eyes you know?”
“What happened?”
“Oh she didn’t want to come with me, said she had a daughter.” He looked up from the drinks he had been preparing. “What’s up?”
“Oh nothing...” No. thought Dash. No it couldn’t be.

*

While on one side of the universe a Beetlegeuesian was accidentally giving away things about his life, another one was doing her best to give away as much as she could. This is what we might call a coincidence, but what Oolon Colluphid would call quantum linked causality, if his latest work “Everything you have always wanted to know about quantum, but have yet to ask due to chance events leading to that eventuality” is any guide.

Applejack was collapsed on the mattress, shaking with barely suppressed laughter as her Pink friend told exploit after exploit. She had already told of how she had come to be employed at the Guide after wandering into the head editors office after a particularly successful party had left her stuck there with no explanation for how she had entered. She had told of her myriad adventures attempting to research a planet that had actually ceased to exist through some pretty nasty temporal jiggery-pokery, and how she had then been sent to revise the Guide’s entry on Equestria.
“And there we were, this silly salesman trying to find anything that would get us enough fuel to not hit Equestria super duper fast, and when he delves into the main hold all he can find is a huge vat of oatmeal, and he’s all, “could we put this in the matter editor?” And then I said “Oatmeal? Are you crazy?” but what do you know, it worked! Just enough to get him away, but this poor guy ended up having to send me down in one of his escape pods to lose enough weight to actually get out of there! I crashed into the sea, and I was only saved by the sea ponies!”
“The what now?”
“You’ll see someday. Maybe. Anyway, then I had to try and find some place to live while I did my research!”
“How long ago was this?”
“About two years before I came to Ponyville. I travelled for a long time, getting background information so I wouldn’t be too out of the loop when I settled down. YOu have no idea how hard it is to make the change from living in a demented universe to living in a small ordered town without computers!”
“Doesn’t twilight have one of those computa-whatevers in her basement?”
Pinkie was dismissive, in her cheerful way. “Technically I guess you guys had a couple of computers, but come on, you know what I mean I mean none of you have even tried powered flight! You know how long it took me to get the materials to make my little flying contraption? I tell you, there were a couple times you guys were lucky to have an alien around!”
“What such as?” Applejack had the slightest hint of an offended tone, like a driver who has received a less than satisfactory thank-you-wave from someone they just let through.
“Well, nopony even knew what a parasprite was! That could have been AWKWARD. I heard about this planet that got parasprites, and nopony near knew the right polka, and by the end of the month there was nothing left but a planet sized ball of parasprites with a few ponies living on it!” She giggled.
“And, well what happened then?”
“Well, then I came to ponyville, and then Twilight came in and got us all together properly and then we had all these adventures and then we had this party one night but in the morning I told you guys I was an alien and then we escaped Equestria and it was all ‘BOOM! CRASH WHAPOOOM!’ but then it was all ‘WHOOSH’ and it was back but we couldn’t go back and then this big meanie Vogon had our friends thrown off the ship and then we escaped to Barnard’s star, and then we met this student and we hitched a ride and then you came in and asked me what had happened in my life and I did and then I told you this. And then I told you that. And then I told you that.”
Applejack sat up, as Pinkie remained lodged in her loop. She was loathe to stop the Pink pony, partly because she seemed perfectly happy, and partly because it seemed a good moment to reflect. This whole universe was apparently well beyond her understanding, but it seemed that it was beyond everypony’s understanding by a good way, so being a little behind wasn’t a serious issue. She was a simple pony, but mixing that up with being stupid was a mistake. She became aware that Pinkie Pie had stopped.
“Aren’t you going to tell me that you told me something?”
The giggle that answered was as genuine as a Vogon captain’s official Seal of Unpleasantness ( a large sea-bound mammal issued to particularly unpleasant individuals for acts of unspeakable nastiness, they tend to smell rather nasty). “Silly, you already heard me tell you that, so I didn’t think I would need to tell you that part of the story!”
There was a clop as Applejack’s hoof collided with it’s standard destination on her face. A few more days like the last couple and she would start developing her very own face dent.


*


The Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy has many articles on the act of copulation, which, funnily enough occupies an extremely large part of the psyche of any self respecting being. Indeed, it has at least one article each under the headings “Sex” “Copulation” “Relations” “Intercourse” “Fornication” “Mating” “Coition” “Coupling” “Boning” “Making Sweet Love” “Making Less Sweet Love” “Business Time”, alongside many others all describing, in essence, the same basic act. Furthermore, it has several more articles on “Masturbation” “Wanking” “Jerking It” “Clopping” etc. In short, anypony wishing for a comprehensive guide to fulfilling their basest instincts, often without the standard biological pay-off of childbirth, could hardly wish for a better companion than the Hitchhiker’s Guide.

In at least one of it’s many intrusions into the subject, the guide notes that it is common for two beings, who may or may not actually know eachother, to engage in certain acts when significant alcohol has been imbibed, or they have escaped a life-or-death situation. Both of the above apply to Rainbow Dash and Zaphod Beeblebrox, who have the luxury of being technically physically compatible, and even being almost identical in species morphology. It would seem at this point that many things could occur, many of them of an unsavoury nature. Luckily, none of the above actions are in any way forthcoming. The safety of the innocence of the readership is absolutely assured for the time being.