Part 19- Oh Dear Princess Celestia...
“Um...”
Damn.
Damn damn damn.
They were staring at him now. He noted that this time the unicorns had had their horns bound by magic cancelling devices. Oh yes, he remembered the conversation he had had with his restraint advisor. He had been quite violently unfair to the vogon in question, and had insisted on some manner of imprisoning a unicorn. It was frankly incredible he hadn’t planned for it in advance, magic wasn’t as uncommon as all that. It was just that most magical beings wouldn’t let a vogon get that close without immediately teleporting literally anywhere else.
He winced with guilt. He felt guilty both for getting quite so angry at the other vogon, and for needing to imprison the same unicorn twice in quick succession. He felt, as he had been increasingly feeling, that nastiness really oughtn’t to be his way, which is a terrible thing to feel when one has done almost nothing but nastiness for the entirety of one’s life.
He realised with a start that he had been standing there fretting for a minute or two, and this time swore aloud.
“Bugger!”
The ponies stared at him, now with confusion and apprehension. He realised that they had been muzzled and gagged, and felt slightly sick.
“Um... I’m really...sorry about this.” His vocal chords almost choked him as he said the word sorry, it being something no vogon had ever said with real sincerity in their long history.
The ponies stared at him with amazement.
“Um, I’m really not sure what to do.” he admitted. All the certainty that had sustained him through a long career had left him, and he scrambled desperately for something he knew he could be doing.
“I’ll untie you!” He said with sudden inspiration. It was such a strange thought. He had no idea why he had never thought of simply letting a prisoner go before. He wondered if he ever could have considered it. Could a prisoner have ever said something to him before that would have convinced him to let them live? A favourable poetry review perhaps? A prisoner who recognised the true vogonity of his passionate soul, which he privately felt, genuinely did come to terms with the fundamental dichotomies of something or other. But looking back now he wondered if maybe his poetry had never been all that good. His brain almost closed down with shock. He was overloading, and it was several seconds before he realised how long he had been standing still staring vacantly at nothing. He found it almost funny. The first time he really thought about himself, and he found himself with no real explanation for himself. How ridiculous. Ha ha.
He made a guttural sound, a vogon’s laugh, and stumbled dazedly over to the nearest pony, the bright pink one, and removed its gag, all the while thoughts of absolute vogon heresy rocketing through his previously sluglike brain like fireworks. The pony’s mouth fell open and continued falling. It opened impossibly wide, and her eyes were as round as saucers. It was an expression of absurd shock.
“GUYS!” she hissed, “I think this vogon has been smoking something!”
The vogon had moved on to her manacles, and was struggling.
“What?” He looked up, utterly nonplussed. He had been down quite a long train of thought, and had almost forgotten where he was. His brain was undergoing the mental equivalent of the industrial revolution, and new trains of thought were setting off every second, many of them derailing but at least they were moving. This is what happens when a mind suddenly realises it is able to think; it becomes rather bad at it.
Pinkie actually giggled. Giggling at the ghosty was one thing, but giggling at a vogon prostetnic captain while tied to a poetry receiving chair? She never thought she would do that. She decided to try her luck, while the others looked on in astonishment.
“So Mr Vogey-wogey, how are you today?”
The captain, who had only just finished with the last of her restraints, looked at her. “Um” damn. “Good. I think.”
“Feeling a bit different are we?” She gave him a smile.
He tried to smile too. On his face, the expression was rather less entrancing, but at least you could see he was trying. “I think I don’t want to be quite such a vogon anymore.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t think... I don’t think vogons are really good things to be.” He had said it. He had actually said it. He had made that leap that it had all been leading towards. He had finally reached the same conclusion that any galactic hitchhiker with any sense learned on the first day on the job: That vogons were not, on the whole, good. To any other vogon, the very idea would have been utterly incompatible with a working brain, but he was thinking so clearly now. The voice had been right, he really had needed to make his own way, to do his own thing. Internally, he positively beamed at the realisation. He could be a good vogon! He could be the first! (Well, there had been rumours about that distant uncle of his who had apparently had sympathetic tendencies. But he had been shot before anything could be proved, so that had been alright with everyone involved, with the important exception of said distant uncle.)
Pinkie clapped him on the shoulder with a hoof. It did not seem that it ought to have been physically possible, but she did it anyway. “Thanks for letting me out. Are you going to let us go?” She batted her eyelids, anxious to get this over with in case the vogon’s condition was temporary. How long did it take for a vogon to sober up anyway?
“I will!” His thick, guttural voice contained such defiant joy that for a moment Pinkie was almost taken aback, but she soldiered on with the next pertinent question.
“How long have you been feeling so un-vogon Mr Vogey-wogey? Can I call you that?”
Jeltz considered, and found he didn’t mind all that much, but he felt his condition was more important to talk about.
“I don’t know, ever since I...” he trailed off. It was strange, but he couldn’t really remember anything about the voice. “Someone... gave me some advice a while ago. It’s... been sinking in.”
Pinkie frowned. “Who?”
“He was... very strange. He had horns I think. He wasn’t a vogon.”
Pinkie’s mouth opened again, and she turned a little pale. She looked up and gave something or other a very threatening look. “This had better not be what I think it is!”
*
A red headed teenager, typing on a computer in the dark, stared in confusion at the sentences which had appeared from nowhere on the screen. He sipped his tea thoughtfully, and peered closer. He didn’t remember typing them, but there was a certain amount of rum in his tea and he couldn’t be a hundred percent certain. He tried to delete them.
*
“Oh no you don’t! If you’re setting us up for more Discord trouble now you will be in very big trouble young man!”
The other ponies looked blankly at the pink party pony apparently talking to thin air.
*
The teenager definitely saw the words re-type themselves. He rubbed his eyes, then peered suspiciously into his mug. He stretched out his hand and typed, “Trust me on this Pinkie. There is a plan,” and immediately felt very silly. But he decided to roll with it anyway. His readers would think he was making a joke was all, and he could drink until he forgot about this shakeup to his conception of reality later. On a whim he added “Pinkie Pie is best pony.”
*
“If you say so!” Everyone in the room stared at Pinkie with absolute confusion. She giggled nervously. “Sorry, just checking something with someone kinda important.” She shook herself, and continued talking to the bemused vogon.
“This person who gave you the advice, was he... chaotic?”
The vogon nodded as far as his blubbery neck would allow. “I think that’s what he was.”
Behind their gags, seven pony mouths tried to open, and fourteen pony eyes stared.
“Discord.” Pinkie breathed. She turned to the others. “This is what happens when he discordifies a vogon! Think about it! The opposite of a grumpy mean misery guts with terrible poetry skills!” She gestured to Jeltz. “He’ll be an unsure but moral, laid back but helpful vogon slacker! He might even be good at poetry now!”
She turned to face him with a whole new smile on her face, which fell away when she saw what was happening to him. A soft golden flow had formed, a glow that clearly carried immense magical power.
“Oh no! Oh nonono!”
Nopony who had ever seen that golden glow before could doubt its origin.
Jeltz opened his mouth to speak “What’s...” and disappeared with a flash of magic and a whiff of a smell that only Twilight really knew well. The smell of Celestia’s magical power.
*
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the galaxy has an article for each of the royal sisters of Equestria, chiefly because it is standard guide policy to not leave any gods out for fear of irritating one and waking up one morning to find a giant lightning bolt or hammer where the Guide offices used to be. Or worse a large group of devout believers with brochures.
Most gods don’t really do “subtle” however, so hidden critiques and warnings are encouraged, as long as they remained sufficiently inconspicuous that a ten year old child would not get them. There is always a ten year old kept on staff to make sure that no popular article is written above the standard reading age of the average homeless hitchhiker.
As it is, the articles on both Celestia and Luna remain the default god article, a fill-in-the-blanks number designed to mollify the casual deity until a researcher can actually be found to give them a write up. Here is a sample of the article, with blank spaces indicated by underlinings.
“Princess Celestia is the one true god, the creator of the universe and lord of creation. Her power is unmatched across the cosmos.
She is principally worshiped in the land of Equestria, though she is also highly venerated by all staff at The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and indeed all the staff of Megadodo Publications. She rules alongside her sister; Princess Luna with justice and fairness for all.
She expects sacrifices of nothing at all in order that her eternal mercy not come to an end.”
Actual accuracy is secondary to ensuring that the god or goddess in question has their ego sufficiently stroked. No god, even one who does not claim to be the creator of reality, is offended by being called the “lord of creation”. Indeed, the Guide’s policy has lead to several major holy wars as gods and their followers get inflated ideas of their own importance, and an undue feeling of their own legitimacy. The actual creator of the universe is the subject of much bickering among the gods, and it really is a matter best ignored.
It is interesting to note that the Guide’s article on Princess Luna is word-for-word identical to the article for Princess Celestia, and the writer whose job it was to hit the galactic standard equivalent for ctrl+c + ctrl+v forgot to make all the necessary changes, so the article reads:
“Princess Luna is the one true god, the creator of the universe and lord of creation. Her power is unmatched across the cosmos.
She is principally worshiped in the land of Equestria, though she is also highly venerated by all staff at The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and indeed all the staff of Megadodo Publications. She rules alongside her sister; Princess Luna with justice and fairness for all.
She expects sacrifices of nothing at all in order that her eternal mercy not come to an end.”
*
Jeltz found himself surrounded by a golden light, and suddenly underwent a very strange feeling of displacement.
Jeltz materialised in a throne room, and felt immediately out of place.
“So,” he thought to himself, with another stab of guilt, “That’s what being teleported suddenly feels like. Don’t want to go through that again.”
His next thought was, “Oh dear.”
His next thought, a slight return to his old self was, “Oh bugger.”
Vogons did not go in much for cleanliness, and they did not go in for bright colours either. Both were very much in evidence here. Amongst the gold, marble and stained glass he felt awkward in his greenish brown and black rubber captain’s uniform, and suddenly found himself wondering when he had last had a wash. The little token gold brocade signifying him as a fleet captain of the prostetnic class suddenly felt rather silly. But the worst of it was the two figures glaring down at him from above. There, standing on either side of the throne like the guardians of a little girl’s conception of hell stood the regal princesses Luna and Celestia. It occurred to Jeltz that the last time he had been to Equestria he had not made any friends, and although he had not done the required reading it was plainly obvious that these two were in some way responsible for the planet he had destroyed, and their obvious power suggested to him that they might be the reason why the destruction had not taken.
*
Destroying an entire population tends not be an excellent way to endear oneself to the locals, with the notable exception of the ancient race Gratheem. The Gratheem have almost everything that any race could ask for: They are incapable of death through natural causes, they are universally noble, wise and benevolent, and they are held in high regard by every species that has ever encountered them. Crime and war are utterly unheard of among them. The unfortunate thing is that they, as a species, hold that death is actually the final purpose of all beings, and as such their eternal and happy lives gradually become a burden. Were a vogon constructor fleet ever to come to destroy their world and all their people, they would be greeted as great heroes and philanthropists.
The ponies of Equestria are not Gratheem however, and Jeltz is right to be afraid of the impression his previous activities had left upon the rulers of that world.
*
Celestia’s anger was a frightening thing to behold. Jeltz felt himself being physically compelled to stand still. Normally telekinesis is almost an impossible feat on a sentient being, as any body’s automatic magical defenses are fighting on the home side. But Celestia was capable of slinging a burning star about the sky, and this vogon could provide almost no resistance to her will at all.
“Why have you returned?”
Celestia’s voice echoed fearsomely in that great and empty hall. She had not deliberately employed the Royal Canterlot Voice in many centuries, and would have enjoyed it had she not been so angry.
“Um.”
DAMN.
*
On the vogon ship, Pinkie had just managed to untie Twilight, who rubbed her hooves together in the traditional manner for a being released from shackles. Both set about undoing the others’ bonds.
“Now what?” Twilight asked as she set her magic to working on Applejack’s muzzle.
“Obviously we need to get down there before Celestia banished all the vogons to the moon!” Pinkie answered “I would guess she’s pretty angry right now!”
Twilight scoffed. “Frankly Pinkie, I think these vogons deserve whatever Celestia does to them! They tried to kill us!” “Darn right they do!”
Applejack almost growled. “I say we just get out of here and let Celestia handle them before we even go to see her!”
“But don't you see? That captain one, he’s different now! He doesn’t deserve to get punished just when he decided to do something nice for a change!”
“But what can we even do? Are we close enough for you to teleport us down?” It was Fluttershy, who had just been ungagged by Pinkie. No comment was made about the fact that since being tied up her wings had been resolutely raised.
Twilight stopped and concentrated, sending out a weak magical pulse, triangulating herself with the leylines of Equestria she knew so well.
“I think I can take myself. And... somepony else. Just one for the moment. I’ll have to get Celestia to get you later I think.”
“Whatever, we have to leave now! Before the old saying becomes true!”
Twilight had to bite. “What old saying?”
“The only good vogon is a vogon who’s been imprisoned in the moon!”
“Pinkie, there’s no way that’s a saying!”
“It might become one if we don’t get down there and sort this out right now! That poor vogon needs us!”
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A nice Vogon, it's such a massive deviation from the original guide.
Douglas Adams would be proud.
Saving a vogon? What silliness is this?!
wonderful update
Holy mother fucking shit piss raptor Jesus bitch. Crossover with best tv show and best British movie?!?!?!?!
gifsoup.com/NTE2OTA
OH MY GAAAAWWW-
*head explodes into millions of tiny shards*
I see what you did there.
Also, you might want to actually underline the "underlined parts" of the entries on Celestia and Luna.
...From the 10-or-so minutes I was able to spend watching the movie, I can tell this is perfect.
1009550
Oh bugger, I copy/pasted this from the google document. I didn't know it wouldn't carry over.
Cheers for the heads up.
A nice Vogon?! What maddness is this!?
Oh well. This unusual situation is probably not going to last very long anyway, seeing as Celestia's probably about to burn said Vogon to ash.
1009546
Oh no, the author caught on about my wings? EEP!
I didn't see that part until you mentioned it.
Apparently Jeltz is more into poetry than fanfiction, unless I'm misremembering the early chapters.
It all makes sense to me. The Vogons blow up Equestria, freeing Discord. Discord then gives the Vogon captain a little gift for freeing him.
Discord then looks at the universe and facepalms. "Damn, somebody beat me to it."
He then goes back to Celestia and demands to be put back in the stone.
1010250
Vogons are multi-(lack of)-talented. It helps to diversify.
Their cooking is pretty awful too.
1009633
Gee, there sure are a lot of gods that rule alongside Princess Luna, aren't there?
1011002 LUNA. LUNA EVERYWHERE.
...I have no words
This whole thing is amazing and you should feel awesome. That's my input for this chapter.
1011091
What if it was a destitute vogon who required the speaker and his/her companions in order to become wealthy?
"That poor vogon needs us! Run away!"
my friend you have suspisious amounts of[img]swag[/img] and i think that it is a verry good thing
1016211
Indeed I do. Has anyone really been suspicious even as decided to use even go amounts to do look good thing?
The scene with Pinkie and the author is the funniest thing that I have seen all week!
keep up the amazing work.
I'm gonna say it... I guess when Luna rules, she's.... beside herself. YEEEEAAAH!!!!
Why does Pinky have 5 arms in the cover image?
1049447
Um... shut up.
There is no mistake, see? No mistake there at all. You must have been seeing things. You silly silly reader.
Cough.
A vogon is being nice?!
i.imgur.com/4ZdNh.gif
I read this before I became a member of the site. Any plans to reference stuff from the radio series?
You absolutely NEED to continue this story. It is essential to my sanity!
1245297
It is coming, but I recently basically dropped out of the fandom for a while and did some of my other writing (high concept bollocks generally, I like sci-fi short stories and I have a smallish collection). Now I'm back on it and hopefully my pony batteries are nicely recharged and ready to write.
1276417 Great! That's one more thing I can check off of my list of "stuff I'm waiting for".
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw3171_small.png
This is absolutely amazing - it truly reads like the original, if with many more ponies and a few more fourth wall breaks, and that is incredibly awesome. You are to be commended thoroughly for a beautiful job.
The references to Doctor Who, Asimov, and other things of surpassing shininess only serve to make it better.
I particularly loved the Vogon fanfiction.
Here's hoping that you update soon!
One question, more to satisfy my own curiosity than as any criticism of this awesome story.
Wasn't there a good vogon at some point in the books? He didn't get as far as Jelzt since he didn't have the same impetus, but he was thinking, at least.
Did you get the idea from there, or invent it separately?
1602452
I came up with it separately, the only good Vogon I know of was in "And Another Thing", which I didn't read until I already had my idea for Discording Jeltz.If there are others in the books I may have missed them, I'm mostly familiar with the radio series.
I'm probably thinking of the one in And Another Thing. I read the books a while ago, and I'm not too familiar with the radio series.
lol. Behind the scenes 4th wall break by Pinkie
1641062
the only good Vogon was Jeltz's son in "And another thing..."
general rule: Vogons are NOT good.
I know I'm late to the party here, but in this universe, didn't Vogons torture with fanficiton?
Only discord would be able to create a nice Vogon.