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A strange filly shows up at Ditzy Doo's home in the middle of the night, bruised and beaten beyond belief. Who is she, and why does she look so familiar.
My Second story and the first to have cover art designed and created my me. Criticism and likes are appreciated
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I assume Ditzy was either unconscious for the delivery or her memory took a hit because I'm sure one would recognize the lack of a horn in the child they gave birth to... Not to mention how the (expletive) could the medical staff botch it up...
4361391 its easy for a mother be be lightly delirious from birthing pains, not noticing a tiny bump on her forehead wouldnt be too implausible, also i call suspension of disbelief on the medical staff unless you actually want me to take the time to form some excuse
4361422
Eh it's less of a mistake than what is allegedly happening in VA hospitals right now, so I can bet one dumb(expletive) could screw the paperwork over so badly that the birthing records were botched up.
The story shows promise, but your grammar and writing style are equivalent to a terrible-quality first draft void of any editing besides spell-sheck. Also, Ditzy would love the "fake" Dinky no matter where she came from. After all, she still raised her.
4363017 makes sense, ive just began afterall and i unlike my first story i didnt prewrite this out first so this is technically the first draft
you clearly dont suck at writing sad stories. not many stories can tug on my heartstrings enough to make me tear up but this one definitely did.
4364387 tell your friends
I can sense the feels coming soon.
I was right in my predictions. The feels were good for my soul.
4365967 i already did
This ending sucked it was so horrible it could bore you grandma
4469051 Thank you for that extremely insightful comment explaining exactly what i did wrong
Now would you care to leave an actual comment so that i can use the above nonsarcastically
I really would appreciate that you not just leave a comment saying how bad it is and not explaining why
just saying my opinion
4473249 Nah that parts fine
But if you have a problem then tell me what i can do to fix it
Daww... So cute!
The feel ... the feel
it's the third time I read this story
and I still love it every time!
4691215 It will haunt you!
4691286
yes, it will
but great work tho
It's a good story. I definitely disagree with some story elements (mostly everything having to do with legalities and names this is Pastel Princess Pony Land after all) but I like the premise and the story itself. So I thumbsed it.
Alright this was really promising but come on, the 'fake' Dinky is the daughter she raised and loved. Finding out that she isnt biologically her child shouldn't make her stop loving her and the thing with the names is bull. Even if the names are switched legally Dinky is still Dinky. She should have adopted this new filly and given her a new name while continuing to call Dinky, Dinky. When they came of age she could legally switch their names. I don't see why she would suddenly be mad at the Dinky she knows and loves because she wasn't biologically hers. Yeah she should be upset but forsaking the daughter you raised in favour of your unknown biological kid? She should be happy that she spared her Dinky from this fate and now gets to rescue this other child as well. If she had any common sense or empathy then she wouldn't refer to her Dinky as 'that filly' and she shouldn't 'only pay attention to one, to make up for lost time' that is melodramtic BS and any mature adult would not even think of that. I'm sorry for the ranting bit seriously her reaction is not at all consistant with what you have told us about her thus far. Sorry
OK. You fixed it. I am no longer mad
Hi I was wondering if I could submit this story to the Chirpy Hooves fanclub, the fanclub of everyone who adores the filly from Trade Ya with the quill.
This is a very nice story, it made me feel very emotional and I would love to have it in the club.
5749025 Is that what they're calling her now?
Sure I don't mind. Go ahead.
Hmm, I'm divided about this story..... I can't dislike it, there are good things in it; you thought out a very good and touching story, you took care off getting enough drama into it to deliver the hopelessness of the situation, you have a very good phrasing that works well to evoke feelings and atmosphere at certain points of the story and you made the parents of Chirpy (the pegasus filly) really evil bastards and thus, very good villains.
But I can't give it a like either; because you have a lot of grammar mistakes and the story is very rushed.
But the problem is not the dramatic of the story, like you thought it would, the dramatic is very good, as I said, even to an amount where I wonder why you say that you suck at writing sad stories, the problem is instead that the story is just generally rushed, be it in dramatic moments or not. This story could be a lot better if you would have taken your time with it.
I can't rate the story because of that contradiction of good, basic writing and bad, rushed exposition, but I can say that you have definitely talent as an author. You just need to work on your grammar (or get a proofreader) and to learn to take your time with a story and to not rush things. If you do that, you can become an excellent author one day.
One thing interests me about your story:
Why didn't you call the pegasus filly "Chirpy"? Did you have the whole story in your head and written down before you found out what her name is?
5799085
I thought up this concept long before this filly was given a name. I begun writing almost immediately after that episode actually.
I had no idea what this filly's name was back then.
I agree with you completely, but we all have to start somewhere. If you want a good example of how far I've come since then I can direct you to this most recent of stories.
5799271
Sure! No reason to vindicate yourself!
Thanks! If I can find the time, I'm going to read this!
Out of curiosity, will you ever do a sequel to this?
6407726 I've given some thought to it, but I have not made any official plans for it.
6408416 All right.
I personally think that it would be really sweet to see the adventures of Dinky and Ditzy as they grew up more, but you don't have to continue it if you either don't want to or can't come up with anything else.
Heck, if anything I'd love to see the CMC's reactions to them.
6408416 Ummmm ya this is a wierd way to look at this ummmmmm I think I'll stick with Dinky being Ditzy's and they rule Dyania withe Derpy (thats meeeeee)
Holy geez...no...
'Breathing heavily...'
Don't scare me like that!
What about Dizzy Doo? Does that work?
7760906 lol I was trying to use the various names that the fandom calls them. Ditzy, Derpy, and Dinky.
7761114 Fair enough. I like 'em anyway.
Was definitely feeling a tad bit rushed but the whole thing itself, being 10,000 words tells that more than just a rushed effort was put into it. Lovely story all things considered