Some asshole who will write stories that are the opposite of the common take of the subject. And who also says "mate" a lot.
This story is exactly what it says on the tin. Deus. Ex. Machina's. It wasn't made to be serious, it was made to be horribly stupid.
So it's basically me (stupid). •sad trombone•
Have fun. Or don't. I don't care.
This was made to battle writers block. It's meant to be both an example of what NOT to do when writing (of which I suffer from the lack of details), and to possibly supply some ideas to those of you who want ideas. Feel free to take them.
I can't believe I posted this.
Page generated in 0.073 seconds
Total duration
692 users online
806,908 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Wat is the password?
...AND THEN THEY KISSED.
-----------------------------------------------------
That should be "had".
I like the idea, in fact, the intro is excellent, you in fact got me to, gasp, chuckle slightly. It was the Twilight bit that got me. Not much to say since the piece is so short, but if you plan to expand this in the future, I think it could be very amusing. Maybe Spike running around Ponyville, thinking about memories of the many times he was denied a date by a mare, then a flashpresent to how the mare is battling to get to him now? Make sure to add humour and change up how the mare denies him, the reasons why, the reaction, even how the mare is currently trying to get at him. One using a frying pan, or launching out of a cannon... or breaking the fourth wall. Ok, those are probably all Pinkie, but I can think of tons of different ways for mares, mane cast or fandom, to have a funny set up. I could keep talking about that... but it's your idea. Just saying I won't mind some more.
Deus Ex Machina was terrible... but is that going to be the connecting theme in all these stories? Terrible Deus Ex Machinas? Maybe it's building up to a "brick joke" (google that).... Whatever it is, it's currently not funny and feels more like a "I want to end this story quick". I might be speaking too soon, and you might be very clever right now and all the stories are connected and I'll go "OH! It makes sense now! This is so funny it was worth the terrible ending in the last few chapters to build up to this uber joke referencing all of them!" but I will have to see.
Now, the format. I need to read the rest, but you know the dangerous of chapters so short, right? I'll talk more about it after I read some more, but do know it is a concern.
!
Mission failed. "Snake? Snake? Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, that was short. Didn't help I guessed the joke by the third paragraph.
Feels like a joke you might put in a larger story, but would only be funny due to how it changes the tone and contrasts so heavily with the story prior. If it were a stand alone, or even as a joke in a large story as I just said, it would need to go a bit more over board and just make the reader go "WTF? I didn't see that coming." Which is why the only time I laughed was at;
Of course, I knew it was the CMC at this point. Hence why I laughed when "shit got real." I will trust your readers will guess the truth too at this point, but while the word to funny joke count is good, short format still isn't to my liking. But I continue to chapter 3...
Wooooooo, you need to extend this! I can see this being a nice funny short story. Why? Just focus on this;
Now, Celestia has just made a nationwide announcement to reduce panic. How? Well, she said that events that sound weirdly like those of Nightmare Moon, are not in her control, shouted at them this is not the time to panic, and began plans to combat this emergency. She basically shouted: DO. NOT. PANIC. DON'T PANIC. THERE IS NO REASON TO PANIC. ARE YOU PANICKING? STOP THAT. REALLY, I'M NOT. NOT LIKE WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE, JUST SOME OF US, AND THE REST TO A LIFE OF COLD PAIN AND MISERY! ALSO COINCIDENTALLY, HERE ARE A LIST THINGS WE NEED TO DO SO WE DON'T ALL DIE.
So... Everyone is panicking. Ponies are jumping out windows. Ponies are raiding shops for supplies. Ponies are going crazy since they are all going to die, so they see no reason to not beat up their asshole neighbors and set fire to everything, because, why not? They are all going to die in their eyes. Ponies are going into underground bunkers (Ponyvilliers no doubt, that place is getting destroyed so often, a bunker would be in every basement). Ponies have given up gold bits, since they no longer have value in a world where fire and food are king. Ponies have left their homes to the forest and farms, to try and find a source of food. Everything that is in Fallout Equestria is happening, just not as violent, and played for laughs.
THE WORLD AS THE PONIES KNOW IT IS FALLING DOWN AROUND THEM! And then... it ends with Luna just showing up. The ultimate false alarm. Celestia just fucked up... BIG.
Curtains fall, everyone laughs, they leave a like and maybe favourite at the door on the way out.
But... they don't. Why? Because you just implied it! And only when you really think about it! People are not going to be doing that on a story as short as this, why would there be depth if the writer himself says the stories are shit?
Listen, I'm not going to focus on any of the flaws of this story, even the length, because I want to make this clear.
EXPAND THIS.
If you tell me you are not, and will never expand this, then by god, I will take this story, try to give it beauty (and fail while doing so) using my own words because this story needs to be told.
Oh, forgot this;
Got absorbed in the last comment, please forgive my lack of professionalism. Now, minor grammar mistake. Don't bother correcting them in this story, just keep in mind in future, they are many through your work, and those examples above? All from the same paragraph. So, here it is.
After a quote, if you begin with a capital, it's a new sentence. It is petty, but can be important. One story had this for example;
Obviously the correct is;
He meant the meaning to be "I'm a not crazy person said the man quickly". What he said was "I'm not a crazy person said the man before having a mental breakdown". Very different to what he meant and something that speed readers wouldn't catch. Still amusing... And as petty as it is, when we don't aim for perfection, that is the day we stop getting closer to perfection.
Eh, that was... something. You realize the only jokes were the narrator insulting each of the mane six without a set up or explanation, not giving any depth to each insult, and Rainbow Dash just saying the chapter title at the end? Not really anything here... All I can say is I would drop this chapter. Didn't really add anything to anything, it just dies in the 10 seconds it takes to read. Not sure how you might improve it either, I'm kinda lost on this chapter. I wouldn't release something unless I was proud of what I wrote, much less put my name on it if I wasn't. Would you be proud of this?
4384455
To sum up all of these:
I will most definitely keep these things in mind. This was made purely to get creativity to come home, as it were. I feel no pride in ANYTHING I have written/am currently writing/will be writing. I personally see this horrid >400-word-per-chapter story as training for the future.
If you want to expand upon "Why Is It Night Time?," you can. I don't plan to, really. I have too many ideas for it.
And finally, wat is the password.
One question before I can even begin this chapter, however short it might be, it is essential to the chapter; Who is Kim?
4384572
Not a god damn idea. It was the first name to come to mind.
4384554 Well, good to hear, I wouldn't clear any of these for release yet, but as just a tool to slam through writer's block, I say it did its purpose. I'll see if I can write something out tomorrow about that story... Mind if I keep the ending and some of the speech?
Anyway, I'm going to be unable to reply to anything till morning. Hope the comments had some use.