Chapter 1 - The Creature -(R1)
Notes and potion bottles were scattered around the table. Near the end lay Twilight’s head, resting peacefully upon her foreleg. Every now and then, a slight snore escaped her muzzle. This was interrupted by a small, purple claw poking her in the side, followed by the owner of said claw shouting for her to get up. Groggily, she half-opened her eyes, realizing that she had fallen asleep in her basement lab... again.
Suddenly, Twilight shouted, "Spike! What time is it?!" as she frantically flailed around, her body not quite caught up to her mind's wakefulness. "Oh no, we're going to be late! Get my checklist," she said, finally getting her hooves under her.
Spike suppressed a snicker behind his claw. "Calm down, Twilight! It's only 6am, and it’s Saturday. There’s nothing scheduled today except for a trip to the spa this afternoon with Rarity. Remember, this was a break day for us," Spike said, a grin still plastered on his face.
"You're quite right, Spike; sorry for yelling. Wait— what do you mean was? And why are you waking me, then?" Twilight asked while she looked at the small dragon, trying to spot if he had a scroll or not.
Spike started wringing his claws, then pointed upstairs before he answered, "There’s a pony here to see you, and she said it's urgent."
"Did they say what they wanted this early in the morning?" she asked of him.
Spike shook his head and replied, "No, just that she needed you right away."
Twilight looked around her lab briefly, making sure everything was turned off and stored away, before she started up the stairs with Spike following her. At the top of the stairs, Twilight paused for just a moment to cast a quick spell, straightening out her mane and tail, before going through the door to the library’s main room.
Twilight groaned slightly as soon as she saw who was in the middle of the library. There stood Ditzy Doo, shifting nervously from hoof to hoof, but still looking too perky for this time of the day.
At least it's not a completely crazy pony I get to start my day with.
Once Ditzy Doo saw Twilight, she immediately started to bow. "Good morning, Princess Twilight," she said, still bowing.
Twilight sighed. "Good morning to you too, Derp— I mean Ditzy. Please stand up. How many times have I told you..." and everypony else in town, she thought, "...that you do not need to bow to me or address me as Princess?" Not waiting for an answer, she continued, "So what brings you here at this early hour?"
Ditzy stood up and looked at Twilight. Well, at least Twilight thought she was looking at her; one eye was looking mostly at her, while the other seemed to be looking at the ceiling. She thought it was a very unfortunate trait for a pegasus, and a few times wondered if there was any way to fix her wall-eyes.
Gathering her thoughts, Ditzy explained how she was out helping a friend who was sick. She had decided to take a detour while flying back home from delivering the last newspaper to the Apple family. She liked to watch the river from the bridge near the park on the south side of town, and thought it would be nice to do so for a little bit. While passing over the rock pile on the edge of Sweet Apple Acres, she saw something unusual. When she stopped to get a look, she realized it was some creature she had never seen before. It seemed to be sleeping in a rather uncomfortable position, and was completely in the open, so she went down for a closer view. Upon landing, she noticed that it appeared to be in bad shape, and she was not able to wake it up. The only reaction she was able to get from it was a few groans.
"After that, I flew here to get you, Prin— Twilight. It looks like it needs help, and I thought you would be the best pony to inform.”
"You have no idea what it is, though?" Twilight asked.
Ditzy looked to the ground and softly said, "Sorry, Twilight. I might not be as book smart as you or your friends, but I do know that it is not like anything I have seen before. It was wearing clothes, though."
Twilight smiled at her. "That's ok; I didn't mean anything like that. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I assure you that I will have this… creature… checked on."
Twilight then escorted Ditzy to the door and waved goodbye to her. She called to Spike and informed him that she would be going to see about this so-called creature soon.
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It was set to be a nice, spring day. Twilight stepped outside her door into the cool, early dawn air. The breeze felt nice against her lavender fur, but she was not too happy that this possibly relaxing day might be spoiled. This was one of the rare times that the few guards assigned to Ponyville, due to the newly crowned resident princess, might have been of use… but they were up in Canterlot for training. Twilight launched a magical flare into the sky, one that only her fellow Element Bearers could see. She was pretty sure Applejack would see it and come running, possibly Fluttershy also, but the other three were just a long shot.
Twilight thought about going to Sweet Apple Acres to get Applejack herself, but did not want to miss her on the way. Instead, she sat outside her library enjoying the morning air. She had Spike bring out a small breakfast, consisting of toast and orange juice, while she waited for at least Applejack to arrive. She started thinking back to the slightly cryptic letter Princess Celestia had sent almost three weeks earlier…
Dear Twilight,
My sister and I would like you to keep an ear open for rumors of any strange sightings, unknown/unusual devices, or anything unexplainable. If you hear any that might sound credible, please spare some time to investigate. If they do turn out to be truly strange, unknown, or unexplainable to you, please inform us. You may tell your friends the same, but make sure they do not tell anypony else. There is no need to get a bunch of ponies worried about what most likely will be nothing.
On a happier note, Cadance and your brother should be in Canterlot in a month if you wish to visit. I hear you are getting better at flying— maybe you could show off your new flying skills to your brother and sister-in-law.
Your Friend,
CelestiaPS: Do not get too worked up about this. It is not some grave threat to us all—otherwise we would inform the Guard—it is just a theory Luna has, and it might turn out to be nothing.
Despite the fact that she was a princess now, Twilight was still in training, so she was not always informed of what went on up in Canterlot. It made her sad, not knowing everything that went on with the other princesses. Yet, it was also a relief; she liked her friends too much, and did not want princess duties to interfere with her daily routines just yet.
It did not take long before Twilight saw Applejack galloping up to the library. "Ah saw the flare an’ came over straight away. What's the problem?” Applejack asked, before she had even stopped.
Twilight stood up and replied, "Good morning, Applejack. I was awoken by Ditzy Doo just a little while ago. It seems she has seen some strange creature, either passed out or sleeping, out by the rock pile on your farm. If you recall the letter the Princess recently sent, I believe this qualifies as something to look into."
Applejack looked ready to take off without her. Facing the way she had just come from, she looked over her shoulder and asked, "Well, whatcha waitin’ for? If there's somethin’ on mah farm, Ah wanna know about it."
"Hold on, AJ— I want to wait a little bit to see if any of the other girls show up," Twilight responded.
A grin spread across Applejack's muzzle as she said, "You forgot, didn't ya? Rainbow and Fluttershy are off in Los Pegasus until tonight. Pinkie Pie… well, Ah forgot what she was doin’, but Ah know she's outta town ‘til late this afternoon. Miss Prissy will be sleepin’, so it's just you an’ me."
Twilight laughed, "Oh, I completely forgot. Let’s head on over there, then."
With that, they cantered off at a fast, but still leisurely pace, and began to chit-chat.
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It took them nearly 30 minutes to reach the edge of the clearing where the rock pile was. Standing in the tree line, they gazed about the area. The rock pile stood out prominently in the small clearing, casting a long shadow in the early morning light. Small rocks lay strewn about like normal. They did not see anything unusual at first, so they moved forward into the clearing and started scooting around the side of the rock pile. Finally, they saw the creature laying on the other side of the pile, along with a small bag. Twilight and Applejack approached carefully until they were only a few feet away.
In front of them was indeed a strange creature. It looked to be bad off, just as Ditzy described. Based this on the fact that its hooves were covered in a hoofwear that covered the entire hoof, Twilight theorized that it was a biped, similar to a diamond dog or a minotaur. It also had hands similar to a minotaur, but much smaller, and with an extra digit. The similarities ended there. Unlike the blue, grey, brown, white, or black colored skin and fur of minotaurs or diamond dogs, this creature was a pale, pinkish-white. From what little skin she could see on its face, neck, and arms, it seemed mostly hairless, other than its strawberry blonde mane. Most of its body was covered in clothing, though the garments had seen better days. It was wearing a navy blue shirt on its torso, and a pair of tan shorts like Twilight had seen a minotaur wear before. There was a lack of a visible tail, though. It might be hidden in the shorts, she thought.
"Well, looky here. Looks like Derpy was right. Think this is what the Princesses had us on the lookout for?" Applejack asked.
"You know she does not like that nickname, Applejack," Twilight said with a frown.
Applejack grimaced slightly. "Ah know, it's just hard to remember. We thought that was her name for the longest time."
"I know, Applejack— I was just reminding you. I almost slipped earlier this morning, too. Anyways, to answer your question, yes, this might be. It certainly is not like anything I have seen before. It looks like it might be similar or related to minotaurs," she replied as she bent down to look closer. After a few moments, she gently rolled the creature onto its back. This movement elicited a groan from the creature, but nothing more.
Applejack peered down. "If that's a minotaur, it’s got some serious problems. It's lost all of its fur, even on its face, an’ its muzzle is missing. Is this some deformed, mutant one?" she asked.
"I’m thinking this is not a minotaur. It has some features similar to monkeys and apes that I have seen in books. It might be some exotic creature, or it might be some new race. It could be from down in the deep jungles south of the Zebra kingdom; those lands are largely unexplored. It could also be from the other side of the world that is mostly covered with water. We do know there are some large islands out there, but due to the dragons, sea monsters, and distances, they are not very well-explored," Twilight said as she looked over the creature.
"Well, no matter. This here creature looks in bad shape. Ah reckon we should get it to the hospital, an’ then worry about figurin’ what it is. Ah'll head on up to the barn an’ get the wagon." Applejack had already started to trot away as she finished speaking.
Twilight sat near the creature and pondered over what it might be, as well as what to do with it later. After taking it to the hospital, she decided she would first send a letter to Princess Celestia. Next, she would gather up some books about lost races and exotic creatures, maybe even schedule a visit to Zecora. Twilight was so lost in thought that Applejack surprised her when she returned.
Twilight levitated the creature and its bag into the wagon. "Huh, that was strange."
"What was, Twi?"
"That took slightly more magic power than it should have to lift it into the wagon," Twilight said with a furrowed brow.
"Somethin’ wrong about that?" Applejack asked.
With a wave of her forehoof, Twilight replied, "No, just unexpected. This creature might have a slight magical resistance, similar to Spike and some other species. I don’t think it’s enough to affect anything, it just takes a little more energy to cast spells on it."
Once they were set to go, Applejack started pulling the wagon to the hospital with Twilight in tow.
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The trip to the hospital was uneventful, aside from Twilight’s rambling on about possibilities of what the creature might be. After they arrived, Twilight had Applejack stay outside with the creature while she went inside to get some assistance. A few minutes later, Twilight escorted a nurse out to the wagon.
Once the creature was transferred to a gurney, the farm pony waved goodbye as she turned to go home. “Chores ain’t gonna do themselves!” Applejack called over her shoulder.
The nurse acted quite professionally— even with a strange creature before her, she did her job without gawking, as most ponies would have. As they passed through the lobby, Twilight was thankful that it was mostly empty; the few waiting there were either reading the newspaper or nodding off. She was not ready for news of the unexplained creature to get out quite yet, just in case it was what Celestia’s letter was about.
Twilight followed the nurse to an exam room to wait for the doctor to arrive. She entered the non-descript room, indistinguishable from many others in the hospital, while the nurse moved the creature from the gurney to a small examination table. As Twilight made her way to a bench near the table, the nurse washed her hooves in the medical cabinet’s sink before leaving.
A few minutes later, a forest green unicorn stallion wearing a lab coat entered the room. Noting the white-and-black binocular compound microscope cutie mark, Twilight assumed this was the doctor. This assumption was confirmed when he smiled and said, "Hello, Princess Twilight Sparkle. My name is Doctor Scope. I hear you have brought in an interesting patient."
Twilight stood and moved towards the exam table. "Twilight is fine, and yes, I have. I am not quite sure what it is. It might be a trained beast, or a new race from one of the more unexplored areas of the world. Until we confirm anything, I would like you to keep word about this creature limited to you and a hoofful of assigned staff. I need to ask Princess Celestia about something," she said, motioning him to take a look.
"I understand,” the doctor responded. “I will assign Nurse Redheart and Nurse Snowheart to be the attending nurses, and I will stay on as the attending doctor. After the exam, I will put it in the isolation wing with strict orders as to who is allowed access."
"Other than those you assign as needed, I ask that the Princesses, Element Bearers, and my assistant Spike, be the only ones that can visit. This is just a precaution due to it being unknown," Twilight said, satisfied with the doctor’s indicated plans.
Doctor Scope took note of Twilight’s wishes on his clipboard. Looking up, his gray eyes focused on his patient. At first observation, he paused for a moment before scratching his short, gray mane. He then charged up his horn and said, “Well, let’s start by getting you out of these clothes so I can see what kind of condition you’re in.”
When the doctor took the shirt and shorts off, he was surprised to see another layer of clothes underneath. A pink article of clothing covered two small mounds on the creature's chest. Once it was removed, they quickly figured out what it was covering, and had reason to believe the creature was female. He moved on to the underwear next, using his magic to remove those as well. Fully aware of what ponies used that type of clothing for, Doctor Scope chuckled softly when he noticed Twilight blushing. Moments later, all doubt in either of their minds was gone— this creature was indeed a female of its species.
"Well, Twilight, as you can see, this creature is most definitely a female. Seems like its passive magic, that would normally cover its genitals like every other living thing, has failed. Not completely uncommon when a creature, or being, is severely injured or involuntarily unconscious. That being said, I will start my initial examination. Would you like to return later this afternoon or wait in the lobby?" he asked, pressing the call button for Nurse Snowheart.
Twilight thought for a moment while she trotted to the door before she replied, "I will wait. I need more information before I start my report."
"I'll send the nurse to get you when I’m done. No more than one or two hours," he said, turning back to his patient.
------------------------------
Twilight returned to the lobby; passing the oak reception desk, she found an alcove where several fillies and colts occupied a large U-shaped bench. The opposite side of the lobby was more open, so she chose to sit in one of the blue-gray cushioned chairs next to an end table with donated magazines on it.
As Twilight waited in the lobby, some of the fillies and colts approached her, excitedly asking questions about her adventures, what it was like to be a princess, and other random things. She gladly answered their questions; it allowed time to pass faster while she played the waiting game. On the flip side, though, it was slightly annoying— this was time she could be using to think about the events from earlier that morning. After a little while, the fillies and colts were called away to their appointments. Alone in the lobby, Twilight randomly picked up an old fashion magazine from the end table.
While she casually flipped through the book, Twilight was eventually interrupted by her name being called. She smiled when she looked up to see a familiar pale, yellow-coated mare with a mane of light blue and lighter blue streaks, topped off with a white nurses’ hat.
"Hello, Nurse Snowheart. I assume the doctor is finished?" Twilight asked, eliciting a nod from the nurse.
As Nurse Snowheart escorted Twilight back down the hall towards the exam room, she quietly asked, "P-princess, is this… thing... a danger to us?"
Letting the whole ‘Princess’ thing slide, Twilight answered, "I am unsure at this time. She did not look dangerous, though. I didn't see any claws, fangs, spines, or other sharp protrusions. However, she was mostly clothed, so like I said, I cannot be certain."
When they reached their destination, they found Doctor Scope at the counter, writing what they presumed to be the exam report. Nurse Snowheart gathered the creature's belongings and left the room. Seeing the bag reminded Twilight that she wanted to get a look inside it.
"Doctor, can I have the bag the creature had? I want to inspect what is inside," Twilight asked, looking at the now closed door.
He looked up and over to her. "You can tomorrow. The bag contained more clothing and some other possessions. All of the clothing is off to get washed, and the rest of the contents to be sterilized, before going to the isolation wing. Now, on to more important matters."
Twilight opened her mouth to protest, “Bu—” before closing it, deciding it would be of no use. Instead, she moved over to the creature’s side, where the doctor was standing. "Did anything interesting pop up in your exam?" she asked.
Doctor Scope levitated the chart over and began, "A few things, actually. I will get to them after I give my diagnosis report. Since this is not a pony, the name Jane Mare is not suitable. All medical reports will have her listed as ‘Rock Pile Creature’ until otherwise advised. When you brought her in, you mentioned you did not know if she was some sort of trained creature, like a pet, or an unknown race. I am leaning towards the latter.”
He cleared his throat and started reading his report aloud. “Patient, Rock Pile Creature, is a bipedal female with pale, whitish-pink skin. She has a flat face and small, blue eyes, and a light strawberry blonde mane. The only other indications of body fur, or hair, are her eyebrows. She is a little taller than a full-grown stallion, but shorter than Princess Celestia. Her weight, however, is only about three-quarters of the average adult mare; it’s just below 100 pounds. I am unable to get a more accurate height or weight until she is awake, and can stand. She has a tattoo on her left hip— it consists of five interlocking rings of various colors set in two rows, with three small rows of blue wavy lines under them,” he said as he paused to flip the page, letting the information sink in.
Twilight started to say something, but he cut her off and continued, "Our patient here has multiple cuts, scrapes, and bruises. One cut on her arm required a few stitches, the remaining wounds were cleaned and bandaged; we are awaiting test results to see if it is safe to use healing magic on her. Even though she is unconscious, she has shown signs of being in pain, so she has been sedated to allow her to rest better. She also has a fever; I am not sure what her normal body temperature should be, but I know she has a fever. Though I do not know the severity for sure, I suspect it is only a slight to moderate one. I believe she is also malnourished, even though she appears to be an omnivore." He paused, noticing Twilight's widened eyes.
Twilight interrupted before he could continue this time and asked, "Do you think she is a danger to others in the hospital, or the public in general? I would hate to have brought something dangerous into town without proper precautions being taken."
Doctor Scope only shook his head. "I don't believe so. There is a lack of visible dangers such as claws, spikes, or poisonous stingers. She does have nails, but they are small, and most likely not able to do more than scratch a little. Her fangs are also small, and probably not used to attack live prey, let alone the fact that she has no muzzle to assist in reaching any vital part of an animal. They may be left over from evolution, but again, I am not sure.
“Moving on to her body,” he said, with a wave of his foreleg over her sleeping form, “you already noticed the lack of fur.” Twilight nodded and he continued, “This seems to be normal for her, though I saw evidence that she used to have a light layer on her arms and legs, and a couple more dense patches. I have no idea why it is missing now— possibly normal with age as I did not detect any sort of skin or other issue that would result in loss of body fur or hair. The skin itself, though, is not as durable as that of a pony. She does appear to be very flexible, and would likely retain a fair amount of strength, even when contorted. However, her muscle and bone density is not anywhere close to that of a pony. This can be evidenced by how slender the hands and digits are, along with the toes on the foot. Now for the fun stuff," he finished with a smile, leading Twilight over to a lightbox on the wall.
"Don't you mean feet? And none of that other stuff was the ‘fun’ information?" Twilight asked with a quizzical look in her eyes.
With a grin, he flicked the switch activating the lightbox viewer. Twilight had an idea of what she was seeing, but had never seen something like it that was this advanced or streamlined.
She looked over at the creature's legs on the bed, then back to the screen. "Is that what I think it is?"
With a grin still plastered on his face, Doctor Scope replied, "It is indeed. You are looking at the most advanced prosthetic leg I have ever seen."
"Are you sure? It looks so real," Twilight said, her eyes wide. She looked back to the creature on the table, almost in disbelief.
Doctor Scope nodded. "Other than that small black line that circles her right leg a little above the knee, and a very slight color difference, you would never know just by looking. I am tempted to think this is some experimental prototype; the covering is some rubbery material, but most of the other materials it is made of I cannot identify unless I take it apart. That is only the beginning. See how it is mounted? That metal plate is grafted onto her skin and bone. I believe that the nerves are partially connected to a piece in the middle," he explained.
Twilight's mind was racing with the implications. "How is that even possible?" she questioned.
Doctor Scope shook his head before responding, "I have no idea. If you look at her right side, you will see she has suffered multiple broken bones sometime in the past, as evidenced by the metal pins and plates in her upper arm, the mesh on a few of her ribs, and what seems to be a little sphere in her eye. I think the sphere might be some sort of protective shell based on the other damage on her right side. Who or whatever performed the surgeries was very good, as there are only the faintest traces of scarring."
Twilight nodded and briefly wondered if it was one big accident or multiple that caused the creature to need the metal implanted. It was not an uncommon medical practice by other races, or even some medical ponies. She was interested in the eye, but since the doctor seemed to ignore it, she did not press the issue at that moment.
After a brief pause to see if Twilight was going to say anything, the Doctor continued, "Also, as you probably noticed, she has a magical resistance. On the MR-Scale, she ranks an MR-3, just like your assistant, Spike. For comparison, a pony is usually between 0.5 and 1, outside of a pegasus’s natural MR-6 to 8 electrical and MR-2 to 4 cold resistance, while a full-grown dragon ranks 8 to 9."
"Yes, I did notice that, and it’s good to know it's just a small resistance, so your healing magic should still work if it’s safe to use on her," she said with a slight smile.
Doctor Scope's smile faded to a frown as he spoke. "Yes, we will be able to heal most of those surface wounds nicely, provided we are able to. But wait, there’s more!” he chuckled to himself, as Twilight rolled her eyes. “When I assumed her passive magic failed earlier due to her condition, I was wrong." He paused a moment before he continued, "She has absolutely zero magic." He watched as Twilight seemed to break.
Her face scrunched up, and the wheels in her head began turning. After a few moments, her horn started glowing a soft violet that matched her eyes. A minute later, the glow faded out, and she grinned.
"What spell did you cast?" the puzzled-looking doctor asked.
"When you said she had no magic, I could barely believe it. All known research tells us that everything has at least passive covering magic. I cast a spell to see the interaction with the magical field that permeates the world. She does interact with it, just not as much as most creatures of her size. It is still strange, though— I will have to look into it. Is there anything else?" Twilight finished, eyes still squinted at the creature as if she would give up her secrets.
The doctor picked up the clipboard and flipped through the pages before replying, "Not at this time. Feel free to come back tomorrow morning. She should still be asleep until sometime in the afternoon tomorrow, but you can come by to check on her, and grab her bag that will be in her room."
Twilight waved goodbye to the doctor and headed home with much on her mind. She was already planning what books to grab, the letter to write, and even what tea she wanted.
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The afternoon sun shone into the side room of the library, illuminating several piles of books. The books were stacked on the floor in a haphazard array, and a few of the stacks looked to be on the verge of tumbling over. Between them, next to a window, a princess sat rubbing her temple, her eyes shut with a creased brow. All around her lay several crumpled papers. Twilight was thankful that the library was quiet today. In fact, only one visitor had come so far to check out a book. The local alchemist was not there long, though; she knew exactly what book she wanted, so she was not too much of a bother. Now, the library would have seemed empty, if not for Twilight’s mumbling that occasionally broke the silence.
The quiet atmosphere was interrupted by a knock on the door frame. Twilight turned around to see a white unicorn mare fluffing her stylized purple mane. "Hi, Rarity. I’m going to have to pass on the spa trip today. Something has come up."
"Sorry, darling, but unless Canterlot is burning to the ground, you need to get some relaxation time in. You are a princess now, and you must look the part, even if you do not act like it all the time," Rarity said, while she trotted over and grabbed Twilight by her tail.
"I can't, I-I need to research this and plan out what I’m going to do tomorrow," Twilight whined, pulling out of her friend’s grasp.
Rarity, however, was not about to take no for an answer. "You can tell me all about it, and think of what you are going to do, while at the spa. Now, Princess, I insist you get out that door," she said, as she practically shoved Twilight out of the library.
Reluctantly, Twilight gave up resisting, and went peacefully with Rarity to the spa. She explained the events of the day. Rarity was right— the spa trip was very relaxing. Between the two of them, they came up with a plan for the next day. In the morning, both mares would go to the hospital to check in on the creature, and they would take Fluttershy with them. Twilight would get an update on the creature’s status, while Rarity would inspect the clothing to see if maybe she knew where it came from, or the designer. Fluttershy, being an expert on animals, would go just in case it was some sort of rare, exotic creature.
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Revised: April 07, 2015
Editing Credit: Level Dasher
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That is it for chapter 1. I do hope you all took some enjoyment out of it. I do not have a set update schedule, so updates will happen when they happen.
Chapter 2 is set in the past and details her arrival to Equestria for those that are wondering.
A special thanks to Level Dasher, for helping me with editing. I know my grammar is bad and he probably wanted to gouge his eyes out a few times. 
He has some good stories also, you should check them out sometime.
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Interesting take on Pony lack of nudity taboo - a natural, instinctive magic that covers up the genitals when not "in use" :)
4410048
Nope, it is not Earth in any way, shape, or form. Stasis in this story is used for parts of long distance space travel. It is brought up a little more in chapter 2, so I do not want to go into much detail on it though.
4410158
Whew. You have no idea how many stories I've seen ruined by that "twist".
Please don't turn this into a romance. There's too much potential to ruin with love drama.
Other than that, this is good, keep up the good work.
My only criticism is that you made the ponies in this story too large.
GASP!
Fire Level Dasher, he let you get away with not using a proper… ellipses.
Either that, or he has to start on you with the cattle prod.
Also:
It's a flare, not a flair. Rarity does things with flair, where Twilight might throw up a magical flare.
Seriously, Level Dasher. Fire him. LOL!
(
you Dashie, really!)
4423231 You of all people know I edit late at night. Sue me if I miss ONE.
I take responsibility for 'flair', but I can't help the ellipses if the text transfer to FimFic doesn't work.
FYI, I tend to not take out the cattle prod until the second or third chapter. First chapter is where we work out the most common mistakes and I correct you. If you repeat the same mistakes after that, you get the prod.
You just so happen to need the prod consistently because we're on story I-don't-know-how-many and you still keep doing the same s*** over and over again. I'm surprised there isn't the smell of burnt flesh in your house.
See you next editing session! *bzzt*
Sorry, Topaz. A little editor-author ragging going on here. That might be you by the time we're done.
4423494
newnownext.mtvnimages.com/2013/11/george-takei-oh-my.png
You know I love it baby!
4423231
Cattle prods are no joke! Those hurt like hell.
I fixed the wrong word, thanks.
for random unsecured wifi from a house near the highway while sitting in a traffic jam. I could have sworn i had that as flare in my word doc, guess I will have to check and see where it went wrong when I get home.
4423494
It is all good. I just hope I get to bug you on chapter 2 editing soon. Depending on my new retarded as hell work.
Maybe its a personal headcanon or maybe its just pure bitching, but it always throws me way off when ponies have pretty advanced technology in seemingly random fields, yet no other indications that they're even close to that level of technology; in this case it was the fact that metal pins were a fairly common medical practice. And the general understanding of surgery in general. And the X-ray stuff. I mean yeah I know its canon for ponies to have that kind of a hospital and the X-rays and stuff, but it still bugs me a lot.
Past the ranting, I did find the chapter pretty enjoyable. Though I will criticize the odd addition of the magical resistance. From what you've said its not strong enough to really affect anything, so it just seems like a very unnecessary addition or an attempt to 'balance' ponies and humans perhaps.
So your human is less bulky than a pony.
Still would be stronger, and more enduring. That's just how humans are built. Maybe a human this size would be weaker than an Earth pony (thanks to their natural magic), but no way in hell a pony (unicorn or pegasus) would be able to physically out power her, since she's apparently in shape.
Poor Twilight! She has a lot to learn about leadership.
"So you have no idea what it is, though?" Twilight asked.
It took me a while to learn this--but "Don't ask them to identify the problem, ask them to describe what they saw." Seeing Twilight making the same mistakes adds a nice touch to her growing into her role.
I'd mention her little error is having Applejack run from Sweet Apple Acres to the library where she was, so they could both go back to Sweet Apple Acres... But that's sort of excused by Twilight not knowing the others of the "Mane 6" were unavailable. Life can be like that.
Writing felt a bit clunky, but the content was solid. Decent start.
5290798 exactly my thought as well.
Okay, I am liking this so far, but your writing has the problem of often coming across as dry and lifeless, like it's all just a list of "this happened then this happened then this happened."
[insert mandatory penis joke]
6520318 I would insert a joke but it's to LONG
My first impression is that you had to get a lot of exposition out of the way. A little slow, but it makes sense. It was a little strange how relaxed they were about an injured creature. All Derpy told Twilight was that it looked hurt, but then Twi and AJ just saunter over there while the creature is dying for all they know. They may not know it's a person, but they are usually more concerned about beasts than that. On the other hand, I'm very glad it was just AJ and Twi on the scene. Far too many authors feel the need to include every character in every scene, but the scene flows much smoother with just a few people there.
4410572 You mean too small
karenkalbacher.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/firefly-and-megan.png
7607952 why for did you bring up the evil 80's also Its Meg an the destroyer
Hmm yes totally not a suspicious princess letter
I just realized something...most if not all creatures in mlp has tails
*wakes up* nope definitely male *twilight goes on a lecture*
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