Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital: Chapter 8 Pinkie Vs. Waiting Room
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital
Chapter 8 Pinkie Vs. Waiting Room
-ooooooo-
“Hurgle…burble…” Pinkie muttered. She felt weak, but also chilly and uncomfortable, like she was lying on a cold, hard—
“It’s about time you came to!”
—floor.
Pinkie’s eyes fluttered open. She founder herself staring up at Dan, his expression as ill-tempered as usual. Behind Dan was a vending machine with a clear face, small bags of chips, candy bars, and other snacks all ready to fall from their perches if someone would purchase them.
“Well?!” Dan said as he motioned to the machine.
Pinkie woozily sat up, her mess of curls coalescing back into the usual pink mop on top of her head. She rubbed the back of her head with her right hand, noting her left was now wrapped with duct tape. Knife, avocado, and pit where all still present and accounted for, even under all the tape.
“… Well, what?” Pinkie asked as her head wobbled from side to side.
“Pick something!” Dan said motioning to the vending machine. “You can pick anything you like!”
Pinkie groaned. “Dan, normally I’m all about the candy, but I kinda want this knife unstuck from my hand.” She looked at her hand and frowned. “I need my hand for hand stuff. You know… grabbing things and optimizing contact area for hugs.”
“Well, you should eat something,” Dan said as he looked at the machine as if pondering his own choice. “You lost a lot of blood.”
Pinkie held up her ‘bandaged’ hand. “I really want this knife out of my hand and then a candy bar… or twelve.”
Dan made a selection. With a mechanical ‘whir’, the machine let drop a candy bar, which Dan quickly retrieved, unwrapped, and began eating. He swallowed and looked down at Pinkie. “Yeah, about that… Apparently the hospital is kinda busy at the moment.”
Pinkie was back on her feet in an instant. Dan may have just informed her St. Giver wasn’t real, which was just ridiculous because he showed up with the Krampus that one year Limestone refused to eat her soup rocks.
“You mean I have to wait?!” Pinkie exclaimed shrilly.
Dan shot Pinkie an irritated look. “Hey, I’m just as upset as it as you are!”
Pinkie held up her hand that was now gray and vaguely half an avocado shaped with a knife handle sticking up out of the palm and a point out the bottom. “I’m not sure that’s possible!” Pinkie felt her head wobble again and she suddenly lost strength in her legs, falling sideways into the vending machine before catching herself.
‘Thump!’
‘Thud!’
“Hey!” Dan called out as he bent down to retrieve an item knocked loose from Pinkie’s impact with the machine. He came up with a small bag. “Free fried pork crust! I guess today wasn’t a total loss.”
Pinkie narrowed her eyes at Dan as she continued to lean against the vending machine for support. “Dan, I have a magic wallet, I can buy all the snack food you could want.”
Now double fisting snack food, Dan began to snack on the pork rinds. “Yes, but free food is always awesome.” Dan held out the bag for Pinkie. “You want some?”
Pinkie took a sniff of the open bag, the contents seemed salty, oily, and inviting. She shot a glare at Dan. “You know I don’t eat meat.”
“Oh please, it’s not like it was anyone you know.”
Pinkie let out a heavy sigh. “Can’t we talk to someone again about my hand? I really want to get this taken care of.”
“Oh whine, whine, whine! Don’t you have anything better to concern yourself with?”
Pinkie looked at her left hand again. “Not really, no.”
“Look! I explained that you had lost a lot of blood and this was all taking up my valuable T.V. watching time, but that harpy of a receptionist said the doctors were too busy with someone who got hit by a car and thrown into a cactus garden.”
Pinkie winced. “I suddenly feel a bit better about my hand thingy…”
Dan began to mumble under his breath. “Her fault though. Stupid girl shoulda been watching where I was going…”
Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “You hit someone on the way here?!”
“Not so loud!” Dan exclaimed as a few people in a nearby white walled and black-and-white checkered tiled waiting room glanced towards the vending machine. Dan leaned forward and began to speak in a hushed tone. “I got you here didn’t I? And the police haven’t showed up to arrest me, so I’m in the clear.”
“THAT’S NOT—” Pinkie clenched her eyes shut and took a deep breath. “That’s not why I’m upset!” she said, bringing her volume down to match Dan’s, albeit a bit angrier.
“Look, you try duct taping someone’s bleeding hand while driving at the same time and let’s see how well you do!”
Pinkie scrunched her lips to one side of her face. Okay… He did actually bring me to the hospital… finally… “Well, thanks for getting me here, but I really want to talk to someone about this.”
Dan motioned to a green receptionists desk were a woman with spiky white hair with purple highlights, a white buttoned-up shirt, and a grumpy look on her face sat. The woman leaned back in her chair, holding up a folded extreme sports magazine in one hand.
“You’re welcome to try talking your way into the E.R.” Dan said.
Pinkie smiled wide. “Looks like this is time for the ol’ Pinkie Pie charm!” she announced as she made her way to the receptionist’s desk.
Dan walked away. “Sure, I’ll save you seat in the waiting room.”
Pinkie got up to the receptionist desk, took a deep breath, and—
“What do you want, dweeb?” the receptionist asked in a raspy voice without bothering to look up from her magazine.
“Oh… erm… well…” Pinkie held out her left hand. “Not being avocado-and-knife handed would be great!”
The receptionist glanced up from her magazine. “Look, the angry jerk who brought you in said you didn’t have insurance. So unless you know something he doesn’t—”
“Oh! Well Dan’s super-dee-duper smart, but I know lots of things that he doesn’t! Did you know that you can use spinach to make green food coloring?”
The woman shot Pinkie an irritated scowl. “I meant if you had insurance! What are you stupid, or something?”
Pinkie giggled nervously. “Well… I’m kinda new to this erm… place, and—”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” the woman interrupted. She pointed with her magazine towards rows of blue and green seats attached to one another, each row ending with a double sized ‘love seat’. Many were occupied by other people with minor injuries waiting to be saw. Dan himself had claimed a love seat and lounged on it as he busily snacked while staring up at a flat-screen TV set mounted on the wall.
“Waiting area is over there,” the woman said. “Stop dorkin’ up my space, ya dig?”
Pinkie let out an exasperated sigh and trudged over to Dan, collapsing in the seat next to him. “Well this isn’t very fun.”
“It’s a waiting room,” Dan replied without looking away from the TV. “They’re specifically designed to suck any joy right out of you. They’re basically humanity's attempt to recreate the Fields of Asphodel in Hades and we succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.”
Pinkie frowned heavily while scanning the waiting room. Her eyes lit up as she caught a fun looking magazine amongst the pile of ‘Humans’ and ‘Interval’ magazines. “Highlights!” Pinkie said triumphantly as she held up the magazine.
“I already did the hidden picture section,” Dan informed.
Pinkie seemed to deflate immediately, collapsing down onto her chair letting the arm holding the magazine dangle until it hit the floor.
“Yeah, the shoe took me a while,” Dan added. He took the effort to glance at Pinkie. “Look, just sit tight, help me thrash any of the sickies here who try to touch the TV, and we’ll be home before you know it... Mostly because you’re probably light headed and might not remember your stint in the human mechanics shop so well.”
“NO!” Pinkie declared, bolting upright. Her body wobbled, she quickly grabbed her chair rest to steady herself. She continued, “This will not stand! I will force merriment on these people even if it kills them.”
Dan glanced around the room, a collection of injured people making sure their wounds wouldn’t get too out of hand. “If you give it a bit, a few might drop dead anyway.”
Dan was given a collection of dirty looks for his remarks.
“What?” Dan protested. “You think the doctors don’t talk like this when they’re not in front of you stiffs? They have to deal with actual stiffs!”
“Heya, everybody!”
Dan turned to see Pinkie in front of a microphone wearing a head mirror strapped to her head, a stethoscope around her neck, and an open white lab coat with a nametag that read, ‘Dr. Nick’ on it.
“Pinkie!” Dan exclaimed. “Where’d you get that from?”
“I always bring a microphone with me!”
“Not that! The doctor’s getup!”
Pinkie held onto the mic stand with her right hand awkwardly held out the name tag with her bulbous left hand as she held out the name tag. “Well, Dr. Nick! D’uh!”
Dan sighed. “Guess I ran into that traffic accident.”
“So, who knows why the painter was hospitalized!?” Pinkie asked, scanning the audience.
Crickets.
“Too many strokes!”
Dan cringed, looking up only as he heard a familiar ‘ba-dum-tss!’ Someone had set up a drum set in the waiting room.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “But I forgot how it goes,” she added with a frown.
Dan watched Pinkie zip over to the drum set.
‘Ba-dum-tss!’
“HEY! KNOCK OF THE LAME JOKES!” the receptionist shouted from her desk.
Pinkie pointed an accusatory avocado… knife… wrapped… thing at the receptionist. “No! The lame jokes don’t stop until you let me see a doctor!” Pinkie grit her teeth. “Don’t make me do the joke about the brain transplant.” Pinkie threatened. “I won’t change my mind on that one!” Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Whoops…”
“Pinkie!” Dan said in disbelief. “You mean you’re doing this so they get sick of you and decide to fix you and get rid of you sooner!?”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “UmmmHmmm!”
“I am so proud of you!” Dan exclaimed.
Pinkie grinned. “Thanks Dan! I needed that after I lost so much blood! It is such a drainin—”
“Don’t push your luck!” Dan warned.
Pinkie giggled sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her head with her right arm.
“Look!” The receptionist exclaimed. “No one wants you out of here faster than me.”
“That’s debatable,” Dan said.
The receptionist turned and glared at Dan. “You wanna make something of this, short stuff?”
Dan stood up from his chair, cracked his knuckles, and grinned. “Hey, we’re already at the hospital. You won’t have to go far after I kick your butt.”
“That’s it!” the receptionist said as she threw down her magazine and put her hand on the desk. In one quick movement she brought her body up, over, and was on the other side. She starting closing the distance between her and Dan.
Dan smiled and clenched his hands into fists, ready to throw down with the unpleasant receptionist with her strange, feathery hairdo.
Pinkie sensed she was losing her audience. “Last week I as diagnosed with insomnia,” she said into the mic, “and now I’m just tired of it.”
Dan and the receptionist turned towards Pinkie. “Knock it off!” they said simultaneously before turning back towards each other and exchanging blinks.
Pinkie held up her left hand. “You know how to get rid of me.”
The receptionist sighed and motioned for Pinkie to come closer.
Pinkie nodded to Pinkie on the drums. “Just a sec.”
Pinkie on the drums absentmindedly balanced a drumstick with her good hand. “I’m not going anywhere… Unless they finally let me see a doctor!”
“I know, right?” Pinkie said to Pinkie as she walked up to Dan and the receptionist.
Dan’s eyes began to twitch as he attempted to process what he just saw, but he settled for shaking his head almost as if it were an etch-a-sketch as Pinkie walked up in-between him and the receptionist.
The receptionist leaned forward, “Look… without insurance, you need to wait for a real doctor. An actor with a lab coat, which is what most people see, won’t be able to deal with—” the receptionist paused to motion to Pinkie’s avocado-knife-tape hand “—whatever THAT is.”
“It’s an ‘avocado-knife-tape hand’!” Pinkie said. “I mean… that’s what the author just called it.”
The receptionist turned towards Dan and pointed at Pinkie with her thumb. “Did she hit her head before she got here, too?”
Dan gave the receptionist a knowing look. “I ask myself the same thing every day.”
The receptionist continued, “I mean… the girls clearly brain damaged…”
“Hey!” Pinkie exclaimed in an irritated tone. “Just what’s so important about insurance anyhow?”
The receptionist put on an expression that made it clear just how obvious the answer should have been. “So you can pay for us fixing your so-stupid-you-stick-a-knife-into-your-hand! I mean the knife part, not sure we can fix moron.”
Dan and Pinkie’s eyes lit up in surprise.
“That’s what insurance does?!” Dan exclaimed. “I thought it was just a scam people with a lot of money came up with to trick people into giving them more money while not actually having to do anything.”
“You just need money?!” Pinkie exclaimed. Pinkie reached into her jean-shorts pocket with her good hand, pulled out her wallet, and stuffed her face into it. Pinkie came back up out of her wallet with a wad of bills in her mouth “Ohw my gwosh! Why dinn’t youw jush say swo win da fwirfth plafe?” She leaned forward and spat out the bills, the receptionist quickly extended her hand to catch the slightly-soggy mass of dollars.
For a second the receptionist only looked at the wad in her hands in disbelief. She then did an about face, walked back to her desk, and deposited the cash on it. She leaned forward to tap a few buttons on a phone and picked up the receiver. “Uh, yeah… there’s a erm…” the receptionist quickly checked a clipboard on her desk. Her face went pale as she saw Pinkie had been signed in as ‘Pink Whining Loudmouth’ in barely legible writing. She turned to Pinkie “What was your name, again?” she asked in a slightly embarrassed tone.
Pinkie grinned. “Pinkamena Diane Pie.”
The receptionist turned back to the phone. “There’s a Miss Diane Pie in the E.R. waiting room.” The receptionist moved her mouth closer to the phone receiver. “She’s paying for everything in cash,” she whispered.
Hospital double-doors suddenly exploded outwards as a pair of nurses carrying a padded stretcher and another one pushing a comfortable looking wheel chair emerged.
Dan and Pinkie exchanged thumbs up as Pinkie was sat comfortably into the wheelchair.
Pinkie giggled. “Well, I guess that was a successful adventure.”
Dan let the other two nurses load him onto his side on the stretcher as he propped his head up with a hand. “A doctor still has to remove the knife from your hand, doofus.”
Pinkie’s smile fell into a deep, murky lake as she stared at her hand with restrained panic. “Oh… right… that thing…”
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Ah, Pinkie knife hand syndrome. I had nearly forgotten... Good to see an update again! I needed a fix
Glad to see another chapter of this!
Awesome! Just what I needed tonight, some bona fide Dan and Pinkie silliness!
Love the little season 5 nods too, such as the nods to yesterday's episode and the subtle nod to the latest Gilda episode.
I had a friend in medical school who was worried that he couldn't pass as a surgeon, don't worry though, because he made the cut!
Lol to hillourous .
6567934
Boo!
Money: the Solution to your problem
I needed a dose of adorable after today.
How is the Krampus a thing, but not Santa?
6567934
6567934
Must have studied, and had the exams all sewn up, but he'd better watch his temper if he becomes a pediatrician, I hear they have little patience.
Another enjoyable chapter. Well done
6569394
St. Giver is pretty much what I use in place of Santa. Obviously, if this was Dan, he would have "thought" Santa, but I try to avoid names that don't sound pony when it's Equestrians.
6569933 Oh how I've missed these grand adventures! Thanks for updating!
One question though: Was the nurse the human doppelganger of Gilda?
6572803
That was the idea. Yep!
I tried to give this story a green thumb, only to discover, to my utter bewilderment, that in an age long since forgotten by man and living being alike, I had already given it one.
Nice to see this updating again. Kind of a trip after however many in-story months of romantic schnozzing the two have gotten up to in the main fic.
I think you mean "humanity's". Humanities means something very different.
Edit: And while I'm at it, Hades is the entire afterlife, not just the bad part. That's Tartarus, and it's as far from the rest of Hades as the earth is below the heavens. I'm not sure if Dan knows this though.
6577053
Dan is specifically talking about the more boring, sorta just milling around while being dead parts of the Greek afterlife. I might be mistaken but I think that part is separate from Tartarus which is where all the liver eating and stone rolling happens. So... boring, but not exactly divine inflicted torture.
Also, got the correction in, Thanks!
6577148 There's the Elysian Fields, or Elysium, which is essentially heaven for the Greeks. Then there's Tartarus, which is liver-eating, stone-rolling goodness, and then there's the Fields of Asphodel, where you sit for eternity being really, really bored.
6577941
I didn't have a name for the "Fields of Asphodel" but new of the other two! I'll update the fic to reflect that name.
Thank you very much!
Wait...the receptionist was Gilda?
That's oddly hilarious.
6578061 Yeah, the Asphodel Fields are basically Purgatory, which I guess explains why they receive so little attention. Heaven is great and everyone wants to go there, Hell is awful and no one wants to go there, but Purgatory isn't good or bad, it's meant for more middle-of-the-road kind of people.
Pinkie, I know you can break reality just as easily as someone can break a toothpick. But for the love of Celestia, please don’t go to The Simpsons universe ever again. You don’t want to mess with their brand of insanity. You’re already insane enough as it is.
Me too, Dan. Me too.