Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Clothes: Chapter 2 Dan Vs. Hypothetical Ape
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Clothes
Chapter 2 Dan Vs. Hypothetical Ape
-ooooooo-
Dan pushed Pinkie off from him, causing her to roll off his body and hit the ground with a soft ‘Thump’ and an “Ooff!” He stood up and examined his soda soaked clothes before he glowered down at her. “You’re just lucky I burnt that frickin’ photo album!” Dan cried.
Pinkie cocked an eyebrow as she simply stared back at Dan from the kitchen floor.
“YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!” Dan cried. “NOW PULL YOUR SHORTS UP!”
Pinkie looked down her bare legs to the pair of soaked shorts around her ankles. She looked back up at Dan. “Why bother? They’re soaked now anyways!”
“You are not going to lounge about in your underwear all day! I couldn’t even begin to imagine a scenario where I’d be happy with you prancing around the apartment in your underwear!”
“Well I’m not putting on anything else until I’ve showered!” Pinkie shot back. “Otherwise my clothes will get all sticky and I’ll just have to get dressed again!”
Dan furrowed his brow. “FINE!” he snapped out.
Pinkie stood up, pulled one of her legs out of her shorts, and the other out. Her shorts flew off towards the back of the apartment.
Pinkie sighed as she reached for a roll of paper towels on the kitchen counter. She ripped a few from the roll and began toweling her arms and damp shirt off. “Guess I’ll grab more clothes and shower again!”
“Oh, what are you complaining about?” Dan exclaimed. He pinched his damp shirt and pulled it out from his body slightly. “This was my last set of almost clean clothes! Now I have to opt for ‘slightly soiled’!” he frowned. “And once I’m out of those, I’m down to my ‘caked in miscellaneous substances’ piles.” Dan leveled an accusatory finger at Pinkie. “YOU’VE FORCED THE HORRORS OF LAUNDRY DAY ON ME!”
Pinkie stared back at Dan in confusion as she began toweling off her bare legs. “Laundry day?”
Dan furrowed his brow. “Alright, I know I’m getting better at tuning you out, but I’ve listened to your inane prattle enough to know you horses wear clothes from time to time. I mean, you must wash them at some point!”
“Well yeah, but we don’t have to spend a day doing it!”
“Well on this planet where civilized human beings aren’t lucky enough to be completely covered in hair, we have to put a lot of time and energy into keeping our wardrobes fresh!”
Pinkie pursed her lips. “Okay, but it really seems like you people have brought this all on yourself with your stupid rules about wearing clothes all the time.”
“STOP USING YOUR CRAZY, BIZARRELY SENSIBLE HORSE LOGIC ON ME!” Dan cried. “I HAVE TO WASH MY CLOTHES AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip in a pout briefly before she put on a ponderous expression. “Hmmmm…Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie cried as she hopped up and down excitedly. “I can wash your clothes!”
Dan glanced at the ceiling and rubbed his chin. “Well… I guess that would make up for you getting me all sticky.” He smiled. “Fine, I accept.”
“Yay!” Pinkie cried. “I’m useful!”
“Let’s not go crazy, here,” Dan said.
Pinkie giggled. “Kinda late for that.”
“… Walked right into that one…” Dan muttered to himself.
“Now, if you could just tell me where your wash basin is…”
“Wash basin?! What is this?! The Early 1900s?!” Dan cried.
Pinkie frowned. “Uh… is it?”
“GAH! NO, YOU IDIOTIC HORSE FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION, IT’S NOT!”
“Oh… okay then… uh… sooooooo….”
“‘SO’ YOU CAN TAKE MY CLOTHES TO THE LAUNDROMAT DOWN THE STREET!”
“OH!” Pinkie replied with a smile. “Down the street…” Pinkie’s smile started to fade. “As in…” she gulped as her lips began to sink into an expression of dread. “As in... outside…”
Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes, moron. Outside!”
Pinkie glanced from side to side nervously. “But… but there are people who want to rob me outside…”
Dan closed his eyes, sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger before he continued to speak, “While this is a pretty bad neighborhood, no one has tried to mug me in broad daylight while I walk two blocks to and from the Laundromat!”
“Oh! Okay then!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “So I take your clothes to the Laundromat and… uh…”
Dan opened his eyes up into narrow slits, but kept his fingers firmly gripped on his nose. “Find a washing machine!”
“Right! A washing machine… a machine that washes … a machine designed specifically to wash …” Pinkie grinned nervously.
Dan smacked a palm against his face and dragged it downward. “You have no idea what a washing machine is, do you?”
“No, I do not!” Pinkie replied.
“LOOK! This a so simple even a child with an inoperable brain tumor could get it!”
“GAH!” Pinkie exclaimed as she clasped her head. “WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!”
“I’M JUST TRYING TO COME UP WITH AN APT COMPARISON!” Dan replied in angry frustration as he threw his arms up in frustration.
“WELL PICK SOMETHING LESS HORRIFIC!”
“FINE!” Dan growled out. Dan put on a thoughtful expression and tapped his chin with an index finger… “Uh… so simple that… uh… an ape with a debilitating learning disability could—”
“OH MY CELESTIA!” Pinkie cried. “WHERE ARE YOU EVEN COMING UP WITH THIS STUFF?!”
“Oh what is your deal now!?”
“That hypothetical ape will never graduate from hypothetical ape school!” Pinkie cried out in a sad tone.
“YES, BUT IT AT LEAST HYPOTHETICAL APE CAN GET A JOB AT A HYPOTHETICAL LAUNDROMAT!”
Pinkie paused as she considered this. “… Does hypothetical ape get hypothetical benefits?”
One of Dan’s eyes began to twitch uncontrollably. “Yes,” he began through gritted teeth, “hypothetical ape is hypothetically paid very well for his hypothetical job. He—“
“Wait!” Pinkie cried. “Are we establishing hypothetical gender now?”
Dan paused. “… Ispitinyourmouthwhileyousleep…” he uttered quickly.
“Huh?” Pinkie replied.
Dan continued, “HE OR SHE—!”
“Hypothetically!” Pinkie chimed in.
Dan’s eyes began to twitch more rapidly. – “hypothetically receives hypothetical health benefits, hypothetical vacation time and is also very hypothetically taken care of by the hypothetical Ape state which hypothetically has very generous hypothetical laws regarding the hypothetically mentally challenged.”
“Huh… Where does hypothetical ape go on his or her hypothetical vaca—”
“THAT DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WASHING HYPOTHETICAL LAUNDRY, OR EVEN REAL LAUNDRY!”
“Okay, okay, geeez! So… I take the clothes to a washing machine…”
Dan rolled his eyes. “And then you put the clothes inside.”
Pinkie nodded. “Alright… I think I can handle that…”
“THEN you put quarters… you do remember what ‘quarters’ are, right?”
Pinkie nodded. “They’re the biggest of the shiny money.”
Dan rolled his eyes. “Riiiight… So put the quarter in the machine.”
“’Kay, put the quarters in with machine with the clothes…”
Dan frowned and slowly rose his hands up to either side of Pinkie’s and lightly pressed his fingertips against them.
“Uhhhh…” Pinkie glanced from side to side. “Are you trying to impart the knowledge to me psychically? Because that would be very help—”
“I’m trying to liquefy the insides of your head with pure hate,” Dan explained. “How am I doing?”
“I think I have a slight headache…” Pinkie replied.
Dan sighed and lowered his hands. “It’ll have to do…”
“Erm… look…” Pinkie said. “Maybe if you can rap instructions to me I’ll get it.”
Dan’s uncontrollable eye twitching came back with a vengeance, taking no prisoners and killing millions in its insatiable takeover of his face. “You… want me… to write a rap… about going to the Laundromat?”
Pinkie giggled. “No, silly!"
Dan breathed a sigh of relief. “Good, because—“
“I just need you to sing it! You don’t need to write it down!”
Dan paused. “…Congratulations, Pinkie! You’ve managed to top ‘be the best man at Chris’s wedding’ as stupidest thing anyone has asked me to do ever!”
Pinkie pursed her lips. “Oh, erm…. Okay… Were you the best man at Chris’s wedding?”
Dan turned his palms upward and shrugged. “Well sure, but only because I thought I could use it as an opportunity to talk him out of it.”
>-ooooooo-<
“I’m telling you! You should bail now while there’s still time!” Dan said to a tall man with short, brown hair. Both men were dressed in sharp-looking tuxedos.
Chris rolled his eyes. “Dan, we just said our vows.”
A wedding veil slowly emerged from behind Chris followed by the maroon haired woman who wore it. She silently shot Dan a look that seemed like it could melt steel.
“DANGIT!” Dan cried in an angry, irritated tone from the church altar.
“I AGREE WITH DAN!” a masculine voice called out.
The woman suddenly turned. “SHUT UP, DAD!”
<-ooooooo->
“Okay…” Pinkie replied. A small, hopeful smile made its way onto her face. “So does that mean—”
“Pinkie, I will never, ever, not in a million years, sing you a rap about the Laundromat!”
*A half an hour of attempting to explain washers, dryers, and hypothetical vacation spots a hypothetical ape with a hypothetical learning disability may visit in hypothetical ape land…*
Pinkie held a fist up to her mouth and beat boxed as Dan did that thing he said he’d ‘never, ever, not in a million years’ do.
So when the dryer stops turning’
And if the clothes aren’t burnin’
You open the front
My roommate is a cu—
“Hey!” Pinkie protested.
Then you take out your clothes
And then you go home!
Dan folded his arms as he concluded his rap. He glared out at Pinkie with emerald-eyes filled to the brim with hate and breathed in and out deeply.
“Yay!” Pinkie cried as she clapped her hands together rapidly. “Suddenly I understand everything!”
“GOOD!” Dan cried. He trudged off towards the bedroom. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m sticky with soda and self-loathing. I’m hoping the latter washes off in the shower as well as the former.”
“…’Kay…” Pinkie said simply.
Dan sighed as he hunted through his piles of clothes scattered about his dingy bedroom floor. He picked up random shirts, jeans, and socks as he inspected each one visually and olfactorily until he came up with a set of clothing that met his, admittedly lax, standards for wearing.
As Dan reemerged from the bedroom he spotted the still pantsless Pinkie Pie staring at him with wide puppy-dog eyes and a pout on her face.
Dan paused. “…I know with absolute certainty that I will regret asking this, but what in the nine levels of Hell do you want now?”
Pinkie’s pout turned into a small smile. “While you’re in the shower do you think you can come up with a rap about getting dressed?”
Dan’s eyes shot open wide as his pupils shrank to pin-pricks, he let his clothes fall to the floor as he placed both hands on either side of his head and let out a blood curdling scream, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“… I’ll take that as a ‘maybe’.”
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I'm enjoying this so much. Keep up the great work.
my face hurts from how much this made me laugh, good job
more, please. This is just perfect.
You know you need Pinkie to manifest her early 90s rap persona now (I assume her street name is "Vanilla Frosting") and rap at others now, perhaps the bakery workers could learn to put less shoes in products through the power of rhythmic talking and beatboxing sounds?
Dan seems to have an exaggerated temper, but then again he's been dealing with Pinkie Pie for the past few weeks. Honestly, I was really bummed out that you don't have moar. But anyway, I think I can be patient.
.
.
.
*twitches*
To be perfectly honest, I feel like Dan is overdoing it. I know from watching the show that he has a volatile temper but I really think he should tone it down a little otherwise he'll die from Tsundere Aids.
I am so far liking this hope for more!
4355563
I can sort of see that, but on the other hand Pinkie is probably an incredibly difficult person/pony to share a tiny apartment with, especially if she's more clueless than usual.
Damnit stop making me laugh.
Wait.
No, do the opposite of that. Oh you already did? Awesome.
Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan... I expected better from you than to forget to make a contingency plan for this surprisingly-likely event.
Also spelling.
4356081
Whoops! Fixed! Thank you!
I'm not sure if you've been asked this yet, but are you going to write anything with Dan & Pinkie's rock farmer family in either this or Wheel and the Butterfly? Like meeting thru the mirror or something. Got to meet "the in-laws" sometime, right?
4356351
The likeliness of them showing up at some point is pretty dang high.
Just a matter of finding the right time in the story and getting to that point.
Give her to ME then, I wouldn't REMOTELY have a problem with it!
Oh GOD no! Don't DO IT, Pinkie! You'll die a horrible death from HIDEOUS MAN SMELL!
I laughed my ass off at Dan's chain of horrifying metaphors. My pony and my zebra too.
And now I have the giggles.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
That sound you hear is me shitting myself from laughing so hard.
OH MY GOD **DIES**
Oh, Pinkie. Don't ever change...
Corrections:
his
on
Period should be a comma.
Missing 'he'.
me
Missing quote mark.
hopeful
4357072
Got these! Thank you!
And I haven't forgotten your other list of corrections on The Wheel, just juggling them with this pile of ongoing stories I set myself up with.
Cover art and your Avatar won me...
you crafty son of a bitch
4357127
What can I say? I'm a man who knows what he likes.
One of these days i will die from the lack of oxygen i lose at all that laughing you make me do
on a more serious note love it
. i love dan and pinkie's interactions its so hillarious
thank you sooo much for writing this you make my day all the brighter
A fine job indeed good sir keep it coming
I ship this so hard. So thank you
Don't know why that reminded me of this:
4358549
Probably because I though of that exact scene when I wrote it.
I would have made the reference more overt, but I couldn't figure out how to parallel the dialogue any further.
4358549
When you need to reach the word count.
4361680
Thank you!
I'm having a lot of fun going back like this!
I love it!
Poor dan! And I honestly could not stop laughing! So many good moments!
i had to laugh so much i chocked on my pizza.... several times XD
I was never fully into the whole Dan and Pinkie pie shipping until I read this. Oh my god I haven't laughed out loud so hard in such a long time.
Because of this story I am now compelled to read The wheel and the Butterlfy so that I can have more of this.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/500x/43672080.jpg
4355602
I'll see your Pinkie Pie and raise you a... Navi Pie.
Pinkie pursed her lips. “Okay, but it really seems like you people have brought this all on yourself with your stupid rules about wearing clothes all the time.”
So true. So true.
T
You know, in retrospect its kind of a miracle Pinkie didn't get shanked, set on fire, or deported. Dan Might have felt bad, but how long could that last with that level of annoyance. And her being without pants seems to be both an asset( Hey OH!
) and a liability in the whole roommate thing.
ANy one else notice that Pinkie is getting a bit angrier than normal? Could this be a side effect of Dan exposure?
4355602 Forgot to Fav this and didn't realize it was updating.
Good work!
“Okay, but itreally seems like you people have brought this all on yourself with your stupid rules about wearing clothes all the time.”
“STOP USING YOUR CRAZY, BIZARRELY SENSIBLE HORSE LOGIC ON ME!”
Couldn't stop laughing at how true that is
Oh, I could think of a few...
Okay not sure if you were trying to say 'Laundry day on me' or 'Laundry day one on me' but I am certain that's a typo.
5264764
Fixed! Thank you!
PFFFTTTTTTT!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA! funny dude, really funny
I can think of at least ten. And they all involve chocolate syrup.
In other news, thanks to these two stories, I now ship Dan and Pinkie with an undying passion. I hope you're happy.
4356398
Since it seems to take place early in Season 4 since they're still trying to figure out the box, maybe Maud comes by Ponyville to visit Pinkie (episode Maud Pie), and gets directed to the mirror?
Then Dan could insult Maud like he insults every pony when he meets them for the first time (except Fluttershy), and starts getting even more abrasive as he tries to get a reaction out of her...
And then Pinkie comes back into the apartment just in time for...
Dan: RRRRAAAGHHHH!!!! Just who are you, you crazy stoic pony?
Pinkie: Stoic po-GASP! Oh Dan, why didn't you tell me my big sister Maud was on the mirror?
Dan: Big...sister?
5264800 How do you continue to be one of the greatest comedy writers I've ever encountered? Are you... related to Monty Python?
4357072
...
First you put on the bra, that infernal contraption
Of binding and torment and chest orb holding action
Loops on your arms with cups curved out
Slide all the way up with nary a pout
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Set the orbs in the cups
Shift the loops further up
Stretch your arms round back
Close the clasp with a snap.
Panties are next, Pone! Face Front!
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
After panties are shorts
Going all the way up
Zipper in front
your crotch to cup!
Pull up the zip!
Button up quick!
Then the shirt over top of it all-
Don't fall!
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Head up top with arms straight stand!
Socks on the feet, not on the hands!
Shoes over socks and lace them up tight!
Does it really take a rap to make you get this right?
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Limbs in the holes!
Word ugh, yo...
...my brain is strange at 3 am. No wonder I have an easier time writing after midnight.
Oh man I'm loving this story!