Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life

by Justice3442

Elise Vs IPAs

Author’s Note: Takes place after chapter 170 of The Wheel… which hasn’t even been written yet! Have fun speculating!

Elise Vs. IPAs

Elise tipped back a large glass, allowing an amber liquid to pour past her pink lips and cool the insides of her mouth where the flavor proceeded to punch the bejesus out of her taste buds with bitterness. It was a beer that let anyone who drink it know that ‘THIS IS HOPS TOWN, YOU WADS! GET USED TO IT!’ as her tongue shriveled up into a ball and was brutally kicked repeatedly. Sadly, it was also a beer that was much like all the other beers on tap at her and her ‘families’ little hole in the wall.

She grunted in displeasure, placed her drink on top of the table in front of her, and stared at the glass. There was plenty left, and none of it was a good time, but it was alcohol and, therefore, something of a sin to let it go to waste. Plus, she didn’t want to be one of those people who drank something, decided they didn’t like it, and then hassles the bartender for a freebie.

Throw it in his mutton chop wearing face! It’s what he gets for only having ‘essence of hop mash’ on tap!

Elise frowned and glanced upwards as if she was trying to peek up into her own brain. Shut up, okay?! She took another sip of beer and managed to think yell past the bitterness to continue to have a discussion with the second voice in her head. I’m not going to cause a scene just because I don’t like the selection!

Your husband ate so many bar peanuts they’re refusing to send us more, your best friend is giving the jukebox a make-over, and her angry dwarf of a boyfriend is busy screaming in the WOMEN’S bathroom because of all the failure to use apostrophes correctly in the stall graffiti!

“OH MY GOD, GIRLS!” Dan’s timely scream erupted from a doorway marked by a stick figure either wearing a dress or crushed under a triangle. “‘IT-APOSTROPHE-S IS ONLY USED FOR POSSESSION!”

‘Snap!’

‘CRASH!’

“I’M CONFISCATING THIS CENTER TOILET DIVIDER UNTIL YOU ALL LEARN PROPER GRAMMAR! IT-APOSTROPHE-S IS MINE!”

You’re clearly with the wrong crowd to keep a low profile.

I’m supposed to be the levelheaded one in the group, okay?! If I’m not here to pump the brakes, everything goes off the rails!

Oh, like when that blading, bespectacled man cut us off on the drive over, so you forced his car into a tree?

Elise angrily took a sip of her drink which, in turn, made her even angrier.

“Honey, are you feeling okay?” Chris asked from Elise’s right, as he looked past his tall glass full of a bright blue liquid that was garnished with a tiny umbrella stabbed through a red cherry and wedge of pineapple that he ate before pushing the drink to the side with collection of other drinks missing their garnishes.

When it comes to driving, it’s DAN who’s the levelheaded one and Oh, GOD! I can’t believe that’s a true thing…

“Hey, do you want one of my Mai Tais?” Chris glanced at the drinks with a ‘Now how did THAT happen?’ expression. “I seem to be building a collection.”

“Not NOW, Chris!” Elise snapped. “I’m having a very important conversation about our group dynamic!”

“Oh!” Chris glanced around then squinted hard as Elise’s ears. “Like, uh… is this spy stuff?”

Oh! Tell him the truth! Tell him I live in your head now! He might even believe you.

Shut up!

“Elise, you look really mad at the ceiling right now…” Chris glanced up. “Is there like some sort of evil tile named Cee-Ling up there that’s going to attack?”

Also tell him we LOVE his penis and are thinking there’s other holes he could try it—

“FOR GOD’S SAKE, SHUT UP!”

Chris jumped back, spilling the drink in his hand a bit. “Uhhh… I can see you’re busy…”

“What?! Oh, Chris! No! I was just talking to uh… not you.”

“It’s okay, really!” Chris said evenly. He slid out of the booth and began to walk off. “I’m just going to go help Pinkie apply some more eye shadow to that increasingly attractive jukebox!”

Elise let out a heavy sigh and took a big gulp of her drink.

Aw, you didn’t mention the butt-hole thing!

Shut. Up.

“The heck did that ceiling ever do to you?”

Elise groaned as she looked down. “Hey Dan…” she pursed her lips into a tight frown. “Nice… bathroom divider.”

“It WOULD be if people understood how GRAMMAR works!” Dan whined as he let the heavily graffitied salmon-colored divider fall to the floor. He glanced at Elise’s drink. “Blech! Really, a beer? HERE? It’s like there was some sort of crazy famine and hops are the only ingredient to flavor alcohol we have left on the planet.”

Elise let out a mirthful snort. “Tell me about it.”

Dan shook his head. “I really can’t believe you’d stoop so low as to imbibe that hippy fire-water.”

Elise felt her anger shift suddenly. “HEY! I don’t need to take that from a man who thinks Everclear and Gin is an ‘extra-dry martini’!”

Dan’s face twisted in anger. “I order olives with it too, you know!”

“Hey!” A shrill voice called out as Pinkie Pie bounded up to the booth, Chris following close behind. Both sported various make-up smudges of blues, reds, and purples. “Are you two fighting again?! Remember what we said about doing that in public!” Pinkie reached into her mop of curls and pulled out a spray bottle. “Don’t make me use this!”

Dan grimaced slightly as he looked over Pinkie and her white tank top and white leggings that were covered with the makeup smudges along with her three-layered skirt. “Goofball, I asked you to try to keep clean! I can’t just keep finding random ballerinas on the street to steal clothes from.”

Pinkie nodded. “You asked, but I think we both know me staying clean was never going to happen.”

“Uh, fair,” Dan replied.

Elise took a big gulp of her beer. “It’s fine, I was just… uh… thinking really loudly.”

Good one!

I hate you so much!

I get that a lot.

“OH!” Pinkie said. “You’re talking to the new voice inside your head!” She said, punctuating the statement with a small giggle.

Dan and Chris looked at Pinkie and raised an eyebrow.

“Uh… that’s your go-to?” Chris asked.

Dan nodded in agreement. “Yeah, everyone knows Elise is hopelessly insane—”

Elise’s face tightened.

“— but no one thinks she’s hallucinating or possessed.” Dan thought for a moment. “Well, I guess it wouldn’t be the first time.”

Pinkie laughed then began to dance in place. “Right! Ooo! Ooo! This is so exciting!” Pinkie practically leaned across the table, nearly spilling two of Chris’s barely-touched drink collection with her ample bosom. “What’s your new friend’s name?! When was their birthday?! What’s their favorite color?!”

“Pinkie,” Elise said in a gentle but firm tone as she placed her hands on Pinkie’s shoulders and pushed her back just a bit. “Please, stop helping!”

“Okay!” Pinkie replied cheerily. “How do I do that?”

With a sigh and one more bitter swig, Elise finished her drink.

Pinkie gasped. “I know! I’ll get you another beer!”

“Pinkie, no!” Elise pleaded.

Pinkie, yes!

“It’s two against one!” Pinkie declared. “Away!”

Dan and Chris simply watched Pinkie bound away to the bar.

“This won’t end well…” Chris mused.

Dan bent down and picked up the bathroom divider. He shot Chris an icepick smile. “Want to set up a furniture fort in another booth and watch from a safe distance?”

Chris smiled widely. “You had me at ‘fort’, buddy!”

Giggling like two giddy school children, Dan and Chris wandered away as Elise shot her husband a pleading look and reached out. “Chris, no! It’s YOUR turn to do damage control!”

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m having a wonderful time.

SHUT! UP!

“HERE!” Pinkie sat down a small tray with eight different small glasses all with a different colored amber liquid. “I didn’t know which one you wanted so I got you all the flavors in this neato flighty-sampler tray! There’s a hazy, and black, and a double, and a triple, and a one-half and —”

“AAAAAAAHHHHH!” Elise suddenly leaped from her booth and angrily marched her way to the bar where a large, balding man with a bushy mustache and accompanying mutton chops glanced up from the glass he was cleaning.

“Hey, what’s up, good lookin’? Need another beer?”

Elise reached into the pocket of her hip holders and pulled out a card then SLAMMED it on the bar.

The man peered quizzically down at what appeared to be an ID card for Elise, except is conspicuously listed ‘License to Kill’. He looked up for a second and caught a glance of something furiously smiling framed by ruby red hair as Elise fell on top of him.

Author's Note:

Heya Dan and Pinkie faithful. Did you miss us? Of course you did. Well, don't worry! There's plenty more where that came from. And, hey! Check out our Patreon so we can be encouraged to get back to that 'old school' pace with our "oldest editor" Tired Old Man! Keep it tuned to your local Justice3442 channel! There's more of this where THAT came from!

Comments

[Tired Old Man]

Your husband ate so many bar peanuts they’re refusing to send us more,

...How many WOULD he have to eat for this??

“Hey, Earl? How many buckets has that man had?”

“Barrels.”

“...Excuse me?”

“H-He’s eaten three barrels full, TJ.”

“Dear god! Put a limit on him now, before he gobbles up all of our nuts!”

“...HAH!”

“Can it, Earl! Less phrasing, more saving!”

[Timeless Lord Slayer]

Congratz, you got featured. 7/13/2019

[Stardust-pony]

Thanks for the chapter

And congratulations for getting featured

[Booster Spice]

I take it Dan will try and sell Elises work of dismembered barman in toilet divider wall as a Tracy M&M?

[JakeAndDollars]

Honestly had begun to suspect this was dead, welcome back!!

~Dollars

[Tatsurou]

So...apparently they successfully save Elise from possession...by putting her back in charge of her body but leaving the demon inside her as a new voice in her head?
I'm surprisingly okay with this, but am wondering why Elle isn't there too.

[LEGION55]

9729669
.....Maybe she's not old enough to drink?

[Tatsurou]

9729928
You think that would stop her?

[LEGION55]

9729931
Well you need an id.....

[Tatsurou]

9729933
...okay, the absence of ID would be a problem considering her origin...

[LEGION55]

9729934
Yep also they wont SELL her any beer if she doesn't have one so..... No Beer?

[thefroggyninja]

“I’M CONFISCATING THIS CENTER TOILET DIVIDER UNTIL YOU ALL LEARN PROPER GRAMMAR! IT- APOSTROPHE -S IS MINE!”

I'm not sure if this was intentionally grammatically inaccurate but it is. Unpacking it makes it "It is is mine."

[Justice3442]

9730618
Haha! Whoops! Thanks! Fixed.

[Pogmin]

I don't know what's going on with that voice in Elise's head, but I just binged Disenchantment on Netflix. This has led me to imagining that voice as Eric Andre, which is working surprisingly well.

[Ozymandias]

It-apostrophe-s is [it's], which is the contraction of [it is]. Possession is [its], no apostrophe. Dan has got it backwards.

[Typist Gray]

This whole sequence reminded me of Might Magiswords where Vamber would often converse with her own brain.

[Alondro]

9740177 It's (ha, I used it right-like!) Dan, he is perpetually correct at being wrong.

As for beer, holy crap... I found this one Weyerbacher Belchian-style Imperial Stout... it has a lion on the bottle so I couldn't resists.... I adore lions... still not gonna see the TLK lazy-ass remake. YOUL CAN"T have my money, Disney! Get eaten by a cat, ya damn mouse! Anyway, this beer is amazing. O juist finished one and holy crap my brain is spinning like you would not belive.

[Shadowflameking]

update, now, thanks.