Standing-between a produce aisle and a candy aisle as the light and buzz of fluorescence engulphed him, Dan Mandel found himself looking back and forth between the odd placement of foodstuffs in the store. More so, he found his mind abuzz with activity and his brain afire with ideas around the explanation that led to this product placement.
Is the produce aisle the area where kids are most likely to get bored of shopping and start asking their parents for things!? Dan’s face scrunched into a look of grumpy consideration. Or does the store manager have a sense of irony that he or she can only explore via bizarre placement of groceries? The lines on his face deepened. Oooooooorrr… Maybe it’s part of some bizarre recruitment drive SLASH secret war between health-food nuts and the candy industries… Dan smiled slightly to himself and shook his head. The things I think of… I can’t BELIEVE I actually thought this setup was the work of targeted marketing or a bored manager… Yes! Secret war between foodies. That’s undeniably it.
Dan took a large, satisfied inhale of air then slowly let it out as his expression sank into one of boredom. Now where the heck did that girl run off to?! She’s not in the toy OR the balloon section and she’s not actively setting fire to the bakery here for using inferior ingredients, meaning she could be ANYWHERE in the store!
A soft crackle rustled Dan out of his thoughts as the dulcet tones of doo-wop sounded out from the Grocery store’s speakers.
“Mama said there’d be days like this.
“There’ll be days like this, mama said.”
Dan pointed an angry index finger up at the nearest speaker in the ceiling. “Shut UP the half-dead zombie of The Shirelles! Mama told me squat about girls!” Dan’s eyes shifted to the left as he rubbed his chin. “Unless you count, ‘Stay away from those girls! You’re not vaccinated and I’d hate if you accidentally got some poor kid sick…’” He folded his arms across his chest and began to gumble to himself. “Lousy wasted childhood spent making sure I didn’t give the neighbors measles or polio!” Dan groaned. It wasn’t just the hidden Illuminati-like conspiracies that few other than him could see or the pretty much objectively terrible childhood…
The fact of the matter was that as great as Dan’s relationship with Pinkie was, there were still little things that bugged him. For instance, she had a tendency to get distracted and zip off when they were oh… say, grocery shopping. Or, she might get distracted and disappear somewhere when Pinkie dragged Dan out to a local farmers market which seemingly never had any spare farmers for sale. Worst was when she’d get distracted and zip off when they were in a large department store or mall and Dan had to call Pinkie to find her!
Okay, so it was technically just the one little thing that happened under different, but still very similar, circumstances. That being said, Pinkie detailing out exactly what store or landmark she was at involved Dan listening to a lot of inapplicable directions, vague descriptions of what mood the people around her were in, usually half-explained in color, and whatever smells Pinkie cobbled together in her head than he'd ever thought he'd have to tolerate in his adult life. It was like getting directions from a blind aura reader with an enhanced sense of smell that was also usually hungry at the time.
In Dan's case, it was a lot of time wandering around looking for a familiar mop of pink hair while getting increasingly annoyed at an annoyingly chipper voice on the phone as he listened to a bunch of useless directions. Go 'UP' from the Koi pound towards the sorta of cautiously optimistic line of people who also feel surprisingly light-cherry-red?!' NOT HELPFUL! NO! Telling me the clothing aisle you're in 'smells ever so slightly of sandalwood, nutmeg, and a pile of pennies drenched in balsamic vinegar with a nice serving of artisan bread' doesn't 'narrow it down'! HOW HARD IS IT TO FIND AND READ A GIANT SIGN WITH THE NAME OF A STORE?!
“Surprise!” came a shout practically drilled into Dan’s ear via an excited and shrill voice. Before he could complain, he felt something soft, or rather two somethings soft press against his back as slender arms wrapped themselves around his chest. “Did you miss me?!”
Dan groaned and spun in place, where he held Pinkie at arms-length. “Pinkie! You did that thing again where we were together and you just ran off without saying so much as an ‘Ooh! Something shiny!’ to me!” Dan griped.
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip and widened her eyes. She leaned down so she could look up at her boyfriend who was shorter than her by several inches. “I’m sorry, Dan! But they had BBQ sauce on a BOGO free deal!” Pinkie smiled and brought herself back up to her full height as she motioned to a shopping cart filled to capacity. “I saw that and got a whole bunch! I figured we could go hog-wild making pulled pork the next few weeks!” she concluded with a giggle.
Normally, Pinkie would do or say something that immediately made Dan forget this was a problem and go back to enjoying a relationship mostly based around acquiring the maximum amount of smooches.
Dan smiled. “Well, who doesn’t love a good pulled pork!”
And this moment was absolutely no different from any of the other times that had happened.
Dan punctuated his statement by leaning forward as he stood on his toes and planted his lips against Pinkie’s. The couple enjoyed a not-so short lip press that concluded with an exaggerated “Mwua!” from Pinkie.
“So, are we done?” Dan asked before is standard grumpy expression returned. “You left me alone with my thoughts!” He grimaced. “I’ve been with you so long I forgot what that was like…” His face tightened. “It’s terrible… somewhat depressing, and worse than both those things combined, boring!”
Pinkie giggled. “Don’t worry…” She reached up and pulled a folded piece of paper and pen out of her collection of pink curls, unfolded the paper, then crossed off an item. “We just have oooooone more thing to grab, then we’re donskie!”
Dan’s lips twisted slightly in contemplation as he looked over Pinkie. “Hey, Goofball. I know it’s your thing and all, but if you just wore outfits that had pockets, you wouldn’t have to stick a buncha stuff in your hair just to have it with you.”
“Awww!” Pinkie protested as she took a couple steps back from Dan and stood next to a shopping cart filled to the brim. “But then I wouldn’t be able to wear cute outfits like this!” She said as she did a little pirouette. A rather appropriate action, given she was wearing lace ballet pumps with blue soles and pink lace complete with pink hearts on her heels, a pair of white tights, and three short tutu-like skirts, each a different tone, but specifically different tones of pink. A white tank-top with blue trim that sported her cutie mark on the chest completed the outfit, though Dan was never sure how Pinkie actually kept finding clothes with something as specific as a yellow balloon in front of two blue ones. “Do you like it?” Pinkie asked.
The crease on Dan’s forehead only increased instead of outcreased, which is what Pinkie would have preferred.
“You don’t like it,” she lamented.
“It looks like you ran outside without pants, but thought it was easier to beat someone up and take whatever they were wearing below the waist rather than go home and put more clothes on,” Dan explained. “And the first person you happened to come across just so happened to be a ballet dancer.”
“Sooooooo you do like it?”
Dan shrugged. “That depends. Did you actually beat up a ballet dancer?”
Pinkie giggled somewhat nervously. “You know what? Let’s just drop it, get the last item we need, then we can go home. That way you can just drop what I’m wearing as quickly as possible!” she added with a sultry smile.
Dan chuckled. “That was a bit of a stretch for suggesting I get you naked, Goofball, but I’ll take it…” Dan nodded to the list. “So, what’s left?”
“Onions!” Pinkie exclaimed as she zipped away for a moment and came back with a clear plastic bag of yellow onions.
Dan peered at the bag for a moment taking odd note of the stickers on the produce. “Don’t you put those horrible things anywhere near the rest of our food and various dirt-grown items that are only edible when enough butter and sugar is added!” He cried as he swatted Pinkie’s hand.
“Owwie!” Pinkie yelped in alarm as she dropped the bag to the floor. “Dan, what the heck?! They’re only onions! You love onions!”
“I love them dipped in batter and fried!” Dan clarified. He shook his head. “The fact that you got me to eat anything that grows out of the ground that isn’t drenched in boiling oil before it reaches my mouth is further testament to your evil temptress powers and wily ways compounded by your shapely good looks and adorably kissable, but EVIL, face!”
“Awww! You say the best things about me!”
Dan smirkedand posed proudly with his fists on his hips. “I do, don’t I?”
Pinkie grinned widely. “Still! I know you’ll eat onions even if they’re not in fried ring form! Besides, they have layers just like yo—”
“Pinkie, I swear if you make any comparisons to me and a certain movie ogre, I will beat you with a sack of potatoes! And not a small sack, either! One of the twenty-pound ones!”
Pinkie pursed her lips and whimpered slightly as she rubbed her smacked hand. “Okay, but I mean… That movie is kinda old, I think… I don’t get why you just decided now to be mad at onions.”
Dan grumbled to himself. “It’s not the fact that they’re onions, you beautiful moron!”
“Awwwwwwaaaaahhhh?” Pinkie uttered in a confused tone of being flattered and annoyed, as both expressions fought for control of her face.
“It’s the fact that they’re organic!” Dan shook his head. “How long where you touching them? We might have to burn off the top layer of skin from your palms.”
“Eeek!” Pinkie was once again gone in a pink blur. Just as quickly, she returned flicking water and lathered soap from her hands.
Dan narrowed his eyes and growled in annoyance. “If you were anyone else, I’d say that wasn’t enough…”
Pinkie grinned widely. “But I am me and you love me!”
Dan took in a deep breath and let it out. “Of course, but you’re still lucky I don’t chop off your hands after handling organic food like they were bit by a zombie.”
Pinkie frowned heavily. “Oh ORGaaaaNIC food onions… As opposed to… less-scary… uh… robot food onions? Which are better?!” Pinkie’s sky-blue eyes opened wide and she stared at her boyfriend fearfully. “Dan, did you get replaced with a robot… like… for real this time?!”
Dan sighed. “No, Goofball!” Dan ruffled his own hair in irritation. “Look… I only know this because you’ve forced me into the habit of eating fruits and vegetables and I like to know everything I can about my enemy especially if I’m going to eat them!”
“Like the blue jay that kept waking you up at eight in the morning!” Pinkie said in a bubbly tone.
Dan nodded. “Exactly! Okay, so ‘Organic’ is just a misleading label that the evil cabal of fruit and vegetable producers came up with so they could overcharge certain unexpecting rubes, like hippies and hipsters… You know… People who can be identified at a glance as belonging to some sort of type beginning with the letter ‘H’ under the umbrella category of always ‘hungry’.”
Pinkie gasped. “Or like that evil guy the history channel is always going on about! Hit—”
“Dial it back a notch,” Dan interrupted. “That’s a name, not a category.”
“Ooooooh! Oops,” Pinkie said with an embarrassed smile.
Dan shrugged. “Well, it’s a pretty easy mistake to make.”
“Hmmm…” Pinkie rubbed her chin slightly. “Well, I’ll grant that all hipsters and most hippies I’ve met are horrible, but that seems like teensy-tiny-weensy-whiny gross overstatement when I actually think about it!”
Dan raised a palm matter of factually. “Look, I’m not saying the creation of the organic food movement is exactly like starting the Third Reich, just that it’s a fairly close comparison.”
Pinkie grinned mischievously. “Would you say it’s close enough for—” Pinkie raised a leg and extended it in Dan’s direction “ —horseshoes?! OW!” she exclaimed as a potato bounced off her forehead.
“You watch yourself, missy!” Dan exclaimed. “I've got two hands! You might think forty pounds total of potatoes would be hard for me to get to a good beating swing, but you know better than anyone what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it!"
Pinkie rubbed her forehead. “Okay, okay! But I mean… you haven’t explained to me what’s so so wrong about organic food!” Pinkie sighed. "You just keep threatening my with increasingly large amounts of potatoes like every time we go grocery shopping!"
Dan let out an annoyed sigh. “Look, there’s kinda a lot to it, but what it boils down to is that organics snub scientific progress that makes food easier to produce, more naturally resilient to vermin, and more plentiful. All so some paranoid hippies can feel better about themselves and not have to worry that their inferior stock will be removed from the gene pool because of a little extra helping of synthetic pesticides." Dan shook his head. "And just because they're sure the natural toxic pesticides on organics are magically less bad at melting their internal organs from the inside out.”
Pinkie giggled. “Okay, but I mean… I see why that’d make you upset, but erm… Not ‘slap my hand and casually compare certain groups of people to a dictator’ angry.”
“Ugh… I guess you might have a point,” Dan admitted as he rubbed the back of his head before flipping a pal up matter of factually. “I’d normally just think it’s stupid instead of being angry if it wasn't for some of the crazier food purists who purchase organics didn’t do it as a way to establish a sense of superiority over others.” He took a deep, angry breath then let it out. “Nor would I be this ticked if they could just leave it at being intolerable douches who overpay for food that Big Vegetable has tricked us into eating in the first place." Dan began to grit his teeth. "But nooo, they have to skew research and draw fake conclusions that support their made-up”—Dan airquoted—“‘facts’ to trick people into avoiding more advanced and better named future foods. Not to mention shame us non-dirty hipster-hippies for actually paying attention to what genetically modified organism means!” Dan folded his arms across his chest and let out a “Harrumph!” before he continued. “Do you know there hasn’t been a single killer vegetable created because of genetic modification?” Dan thought for a moment. “I mean… discounting the one I created. Still! So much potential to make more food, feed more people, and create killer vegetable monsters all wasted because people think every geneticist is also a mad scientist.” Dan shook his head. “It’s like… five percent… ten tops!”
Pinkie’s smile dropped as she considered Dan’s words. “Wait… So, people are using this type of food to attack other types of food just because it makes them feel better about themselves?!”
“Uh… Yes!” Dan answered. “Yes, they are! So, in conclusion, either put those onions back where you found them or, better yet, throw them in the garbage. Under no circumstances are they coming back with us!”
Pinkie suddenly ducked down and grasped the plastic bag full of onions with one of her tightening fists as her knuckles went from pink to white. Letting a high-pitched “GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR!” escape from her clenched teeth, she scanned her surroundings for the nearest garbage can, but seemingly decided the grocery store’s local ‘Bakery’ was ‘close enough’ and lobbed the offending onions in that direction.
Dan grinned. “Nice shot!” he commented to the sound of clattering cookware and a startled store clerk.
Pinkie Pie clenched her fist once more, thrust them into the sky, and screamed at the heavens. “OOOOOORRRRGAAAAAAANIIIIC FOOOOOOOOD!”
PINKIE PIE Vs. ORGANIC FOOD
I am unashamed to admit i actually completely forgot these stories existed or that i had them favorited... maybe it's time i go back and re-read them. Again.
Aw yeah, love this.
Not entirely sure where I stand on the whole organic food debate as far as Dan's points - then again, who ever does even without? - but this was still very hilarious and it's nice to see more of Dan being his usual angry self with Pinkie while also managing to be a considerate significant other.
Then again, their dynamic is always fun. Would still love to see a chapter or arc in this story of "Dan and Pinkie vs The Beach" where Chris and Elise are surprised to be invited by Dan for a beach day...and Pinkie convinced him of it by pointing out that at water parks or the pool she'd wear a one-piece swimsuit, and a bikini only to the beach.
I thought the drop in cost of scientific food verses organic was because agriculture in the earliest days could take 90% of the population, given the 10% tithe, because we were fighting everything else off righ from the start. Over the millenia as millions of square miles of competative nature has been stripped clean of rocks and growth and large portions of lifeform variations extincted, one person in a tractor sprayer can do teh job of hundreds walking and picking bugs etc.
Current highest mechanised farms supply 50 people for each 1 working on them, an improvement of 500 to 1 approx over human history. But, this 2% isnt enough, so the farmers being turned into a robot, and as soon as they do that, armies of Slug Bots and Robees are to be unleashed on the fields, to save on the rapidly increasing oil based costs of chemicals.
Welcome Dan, to the Brave New World. Pure Science Robot produced all Robot Organic Food.
So, if all human food is made by robots, and the robots are made by robots, and the robots are powered by electricity and fuel supplied by the farms if not local solar etc, can you go direct to the farm and get thrown away fresh produce for free when the Farmbots go HAL due to conflict programming?
I am wholeheartedly behind this. I LOATHE hippie buzzwords.
Also vegans.
But that's another rant entirely.
Why does Pinkie hate the bakery?
9008821
It ties into her kinda "baking good purist" thing, though I coulda be more clear there, admittedly. Fixed.
Another great chapter. I love Dan and Pinkie.
9008894
Right, thought it was something like that.
9008442
And we never get to see Pinkie in that bikini, because she took the song 'Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini' a bit too much in the inspiration zone. Thus always dashing from one hiding spot to another!
...And yes, this was a good chapter that made me giggle and chortle. Thanks for writing!
9009449
Nah, part of her argument to get Dan to go to the beach is that she wants the 'human at beach with boyfriend' experience, including him slathering tan lotion all over her, something she just can't experience as a pony since she has fur.
And just like that, Dan's putty in her palms as she unleashes the double weapons of ultimate convincing, her sex appeal and her displaced status.
9009457
Hmmm... Whelp, I cannot argue with that logic! BEACH SHENANIGANS THUSLY ENSUE!
9009449
Two words
Nude beach
PINKIE PIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!
Struck gold once again, Justice!
Thank you for bringing us another chapter of this... especially this particular fight. I work in a grocery store and I made these arguments against organic food all the time. Sadly, I cannot throw onions because I lack Pinkie's infinite wallet and general ability to escape consequences.
Looking forward to more
This story was one of my first readings on this site
Thank you soo much
God, it has been far too long since I've visited these characters. It's immensely refreshing. I would love to see something like this animated someday.
Woohoo! It lives!
Was almost worried...
Welcome back! ~Dollars
Okay now THIS! This right here is why I continue reading this awesome series! <3
I mean, there is something to be said for organic food but I do agree that properly tested GMOs are good good science made by good good science boys.
9008460
Organic foods are competing with GMOs, not efficiently-harvested crops. GMOs generally cost less because they produce more food per plant, and resist disease and pests better than their organic counterparts even before you apply chemicals.
GMOs also aren't much different from the selective breeding farmers have been doing for about 100,000 years, they just achieve results faster.
9008894
Oh how I've missed these...
Alondro whistles innocently and casually nudges the artificial genome he's crafted for Killer Tomatoes beneath a binder.
9017536 Except the GMOs that put bacterial toxins into the plants. That would never happen naturally.
Also, BT corn likely does affect honeybees (The BT stands for Bacillus thuringiensis, the bacterium with the gene for the insecticidal toxin). Apparently no one noticed than bees harvest pollen from corn. They harvest pollen from quite a few non-flowering plants, I've observed. I actually have a video I keep forgetting to post of my popcorn plants covered in bees as they produced their pollen.
And the corn pests are rapidly becoming resistant to BT now anyway, so it was inevitably pointless. We just managed to make the pest insects stronger by weeding out the vulnerable ones.
9008506 I, unfortunately, cannot eat seared mammal flesh any longer, thanks to a severe anaphylactic reaction if I do so.
Much of the blame goes to the lone-star tick and it's allergy-inducing saliva. The rest of the blame goes to the god-damned hippies in NJ (like our retarded governor Murphy) who won't let us spray for the accursed disease-carrying parasites.
out.com/sites/out.com/files/2015/06/26/cartman_hippies.jpg
9019861
First of all, that sucks. Second of all, does that affect your ability to eat dairy, eggs, etc? In other words, have you been forced to adopt a completely vegan lifestyle?
And even if you have, there's a stark difference between your (seriously sucktastic) situation and the "meat is murder and you're awful and shame on you" veganism which I have issues with. Between militant "meat is murder" vegans and passive-condescending "If you try it, you'll understand why we're better than you" vegans, the vocal segment of the vegan persuasion go out of their way to aggravate, accuse, and annoy omnivores. Every time I find out one of the celebrities I follow on Twitter is a vegan, I have an "oh GOD" moment, because I know sooner or later my patience is going to be tested.
The worst part? Some of them genuinely think they're trying to "help" us poor, sinful cow-munchers by "cleansing us" of our unholy, unhealthy desire to do what nature, evolution, and biology compel us to do.
It's insane. They're insane.
9020119 Nope, just mammal meat. The tick saliva contains an antigen called galactose-alpha-galactose, which the immune system reacts to in tandem to other irritants in the tick saliva, causing a cross-reaction with the same antigen found in many mammal species' muscles.
I do have a reaction to very heavy cream if I fast and then drink a large quantity of cream (which I found out during a fat-loading portion of a triglyceride medical study) because there is a trace of the antigen in milk which becomes concentrated in cream.
No poultry or fish has the antigen. But I hate fish, so I just eat birbs nowz. :B
9020453
Well, there's no shortage of delicious ways to enjoy chicken, turkey, duck, goose, etc.
I'm not the biggest fan of fish, but I love a good fish fillet sandwich (usually they make those with pollock, which when properly minced isn't a very fishy fish), fried salmon patties (YUM--try a salmon burger sometime!) and of course, fried catfish. A basket of fried catfish fillets and seasoned fries is some good eating. With fish, it's 100% about the preparation.
9020677 (Alondro eats sushi... gets parasites.) X______x
9020910
Properly prepared sashimi is parasite-free. And there are types of sushi that don't have fish, or any other kind of meat. :P
9021182 I know, sushi actually refers to the vinegared rice. Raw fish is actually sashimi.
But most of the people reading wouldn't have a clue if I wrote the joke that way since they're not nerdy otakus like us.
9021847
Very true.
I'll admit that organic food is often bullshit. I do think that organic meat is better (mostly, I'm fine with well tested mutant supercows but I'd rather not have weird shit put in the meat I'm eating, even if it's probably fine) and that getting locally sourced food is good in general but organic stuff is admittedly pretty trumped up. If it costs more than 50% more than what I'd get anyway I definitely wouldn't get it and become progressively less likely once it passes 20%.