What would you do?

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What would you do?

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What happens to young Jamie how founds a half-pony half-changeling under his bed?
Well only time will tell...

Thanks for Mangaman 47 to finding those spelling and grammar errors from the first chapter and Sekantti for editing it.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

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FicusCat

FicusCat #1 · May 6th, 2014 · · ·

Note: Before you flip the table because some grammar errors, please, do note that I have poor English (that's my opinion) and I haven't got anyone to edit it yet.

Then pick an editor, you're not on the clock when publishing a story.

Crystal Static

Crystal Static #2 · May 6th, 2014 · · ·

4348917 I do all of my own edits, I may not be great, but I am competent enough. I could always get an editor, they would take a week for a 2000 word chapter, then I would post it, or I could instead go over it myself in 30 minutes, then post it.

I wrote 'The Struggles of Radiance' that was featured a few hours ago, as well as yesterday.

Doctor Elite

Doctor Elite #3 · May 6th, 2014 · · ·

You got yourself a nice, little story here. I`m wondering where this goes. Anyway, you write good, considering you have "Bad English".

The way you implanted the picture and the pony was brilliant, and I`m pretty sure I haven`t spotted any other stories containing this unique little trick.

Anyway, I`m happy you gave the time to contribute to the fandom and Welcome to the herd of writers in this section of the Brony fandom.

Mangaman 47

Mangaman 47 #4 · May 6th, 2014 · · ·

Your English isn't really that bad, a though missing and miss spelt words but apart from that an enjoyable read.

MoonWriter

MoonWriter #5 · May 7th, 2014 · · ·

4348917 Okay I made tiny mistake there... I already have a editor, two actually, but i couldn't wait to publish this...
They are working on it.

MoonWriter

MoonWriter #6 · May 7th, 2014 · · ·

4349748 You didn't find those miss spellings, did you?

Mangaman 47

Mangaman 47 #7 · May 7th, 2014 · · ·

The other, who lived in that village, could had been little random.

Sounds better when you say "could be a little random".

I used to get these weird questions every time when ever someone recognize me.

Don't need the "when ever".

Because he was little random...

Put an "a" between "was" and "little".

I don't know what I was waiting but that made my day.

Put "for," between "waiting" and "but".

We laughed so hard that I forgot to answer to his question.

Take out the second "to" between "answer" and "his".

Few years passed and I had improved my skills and I had my own account on Deviantart.com and last time I checked it had 4.498 watchers.

Take way the second "and", change to "," comma.

I entered to "My Dream Pet" competition on with drawing of one of my OC.

Change "to" to "the", take out "on" and ", add "a" between "with" and "drawing", and add an "s" at the end of "OC".

Here name was and still is Chierc.

Change to "Her".

Her coat is very dark blue, almost like black

Take away or add an "a" between "like" and "black".

She has a turquoise eyes.

Take away the "a", it sounds like she only has one eye.

I framed it and hang it over my desk.

Take away the first "it" and change "hang" to "hung".

I had undressed myself and went to shower. got out fully dressed and dry.

Change to "I had undressed myself, went for a shower, dry myself and then got dressed".

That picture, I told I had framed and hang it over my desk, was empty.

Changed to "The picture, I had framed and hung over my desk, was empty"

There was shape like horseshoe on it.

Add an "a" between "was" and "shape", and between "like" and "horseshoe"

And there right under my bed I could see pair of small turquoise eyes looking up at me.

Add and "a" between "see" and "pair".

"Hey" I had been surprised my the softness in my voice.

Change "my" to "by".

She hesitated but took step forward and another and another and finally, after few steps, she emerged with worried look on her face.

Add an "a" between "took" and "step", and between "with" and "worried".

She looked almost exactly like had drawn her.

Add "I" between "like" and "had".

"I assure you: there's no reason to be afraid me."

Add "of" just before "me".

She hesitated but yet again she trotted over me and sniffed my hair.

Add "to" between "over" and "me".

She stared me then my hand and back to me.

Add "at" between "stared" and "me", and between "and" and "back".

She was enjoying her it more than you can imagine and I really can't blame her.

Take away "her"

she jumped on to my lap and curled up to ball and yawned.

Change "to" to "in"

"Tired?" I whispered and she just nodded not pothering to open her eyes.

Change to bothering

I lowered her quickly on the floor where she sat and looked me up again wearing that odd expression.

Change "on" to "to", and change to "looked up at me"

I took little more comfortable position and pulled the blanket over us.

Change to "I took myself into a little bit more comfortable position"

And that what I could see but just in case have someone else look it over as well.

MoonWriter

MoonWriter #8 · May 7th, 2014 · · ·

4352116 Why thank you
I'll start fixing those right away

MoonWriter

MoonWriter #9 · May 7th, 2014 · · ·

4352116 Oh and Mind if I credit you for proofreading this first chapter?

Mangaman 47

Mangaman 47 #10 · May 7th, 2014 · · ·

4352157 happy to help

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