- Member Since 3rd May, 2014
- offline last seen Apr 12th, 2017
rx7_batgirl
Filthy Hobbitses from Middle Earth
rx7_batgirl
Joined 3rd May, 2014 ·
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Well... I, uh... I guess I've heard of worse excuses to have Spike bone all his friends.
you know you could have just hand waved it and said she needs love magic to live (which is created when other people love each other) i feel the hormone/science speak was totally unnecessary
but other than that nit pick please continue as i wish to read more
Okay.. That was interesting. Can I suggest that you out a line gap between paragraphs so it is easier to read though and that way the vultures won't pick you apart.
I also recommend if you haven't already join a group like OOE who can help find you editors and pre readers.
Doing these few things has helped my fics out a bit
EDIT: Liked and Favorited for potential to be a great fic
4347530 Right, he's not Path of Cloud.
Well, this is a nice start...!
I must admit that I don't actually read stories where Spike is romancing the Mane Six.
I find it creepy, so I don't like it, even if the story is set x years in the future...
The time-lapse thing you did here, were therefore a really good thing...!
The Random tag is appropiate.
But Human and Anthro tags, seriously?
Not only is it silly to use both tags, but the story doesn't actually read like you used them...
But if we read the story with consideration on the human aspect, it suddently becomes a fantasy story where pretty girls are ravished by mythological creatures...
Yeah, not exactly what either of us had in mind...
If you're wondering how it came to that; Spike is described as a dragon, and in a humanized story everyone is either human or humanoid, meaning that Spike apparently is a domesticated mythological creature, who has to go and mount six young girls...
And please... do put some space between your paragraphs.
And be a dear and indent them too...
~ChocoLatte
This seems pretty interesting. The description should have a semicolon not a comma for the first and last commas. Plus you need a comma after serotonin. I liked the use of the medical jargon as it added a bit of humor to your description.
Getting into the story, you seem to make the grammatical error of not placing a comma before the and in a list. "sadness, despair, anger and fear in their place." should be, "sadness, despair, anger, and fear in their place." This is probably the smallest issue you have at the moment but it goes hand in hand with one of the description problems.
Moving on, you've you've committed one of the most common mistakes of fanfiction authors. It is entirely necessary when a character, especially an important one is introduced, that you describe them. Don't assume that everyone knows what they look like. This is especially true when using the anthro and human tags, because they don't look like they normally do. The only time you did describe a character was when Spike transformed.
Thirdly, you have a wall of text. The best way to fix this problem is to add an extra enter between paragraphs to create some breathing room for the eyes. You should also go to the chapter edit page and hit the indent paragraph button; it's directly above the area where you can actually add words.
"He tested our his muscular" should be "He tested his muscular."
Now, the technical part aside. This looks pretty interesting. You used some nice vocabulary to really create your scenes, and I found the concept pretty unique in nature. I look forward to seeing more.
4347685 I'd play with you, but I'm still laughing too hard at Amit making you cry and your pathetic attempt at revenge. It's almost as funny as your lack of knowledge on anatomy, but not nearly as funny as the comic that captured your essence so perfectly.
Interesting start, this could prove to be quite fun. I reccomend that you find a way to space out the huge wall of text that this currently is. The reading doesn't exactly flow.
Very strange idea, not exactly sure what to think. Probably gonna read the next chapter, just to make sure.
wow thanks for all the constructive crit guys much appreciated!
Thanks about the formatting and editing, this is my first submission here and not entirely sure what all the buttons do. I was worried about how to fix the wall of text. I shall attempt to fix it now.
Thank you so much for reading it so far, I appreciate it!
4347800 thanks so much for this, It was late at night and my chronic fatigue was totally nailing me, so I missed quite a few things - including how to change the wall of text into something more readable.
4350185
I aim to help where I can, and trust me, we all have that moment when we're tired but we have to finish writing because we love our idea/we can't get it out of our heads without getting out of our heads.
I suggest you look for a permanent editor/proofreader to help with your story. I would be lost most the time without mine
Fimficiton even has a group devoted to placing editors/proofreaders with writers.
4350316 took your (and Killabyte's) advice and created a post at OOE, thanks guys!
4350611 You should still indent, but aside from that this is looking much better. I suggest implementing the extra enter when you're typing it out as it will copy to fimfiction, and I've found it a lot easier than trying to go through and do it afterwards.
Engage Nope Satellite
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7xjjevoeE1rn95k2o1_250.gif
4351021 Oh Celestia, I hope I'm not gonna regret reading this I hope. Otherwise, I'm gonna get pissed off at the people who choose these retarded featured stories
4347881 I know, right? That comic was hilarious. Shoot, I remember that now. That was all good fun.
I don't usually read Spike fics, and the pairing is very bizarre and scares me. But holy shit, you have the greatest avatar ever. Just for that, I feel obligated to give your story a read-through.
4352042 are you talking about the caterpillar?
So, are the characters humanized like that picture, or anthro?
4352522 Spike is anthro and the ponies are humanized. it will be clearer in the next chapters
Your people need you Spike
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6966059520/h1EFF3A8F/
4356839
Okay. Why the misleading picture for Spike, and why not have all of them be either anthro or humanized, or have it the other way around?
Is this gonna be rape?
4361301 no . .although it may seem like it to start off with.
Oh wow that looks so much better
I hope you keep it up and I look forwards to reading the next chapters.
I also hope the guys over at OOE can help you out as they did me
twilight.ponychan.net/chan/arch/src/130810446819.jpg
I like it
Why is it that Spike is still a dragon (basically an animal) while pretty much everyone else are human? I smell Spikeabuse or potential Spike prejudice...it's even makes less sense that Spike is anthro while all other are human (or at least humanized)
What gives??? Because at first glance this seems like an excuse....
4956396 The same could be asked of the original show, why are the ponies, ponies and why is Spike a dragon? Same conundrum is it not?
There is no Spike abuse.
Spike is anthro because he is inherently different to the mane Six, has always been so, and will always be, in this story the difference is a device used to further highlight the fact that his role is very different to everyone elses.
Apologies for the dragging on with this, real life/day job is my ultimate slave master and I will be hugely busy for the next six weeks at least. I will try to work on part two some time soon but can't make any promises.
Awww, I enjoyed the idea hope you can complete it
5112976 so isee there is still an incomplete tag instead of cacelled so....you still trying or should I give up hope.