EQD Writer's Training Ground #19:
Writing Prompt:
Describe another pony's Equestria Games experience. It can be any pony not shown competing in one of the events in the episode, and can include both the event they competed in and what happened before and after during their visit to the Crystal Empire.
When the Changelings are allowed to compete in the Equestria games, long time competitor Atl seeks to use it to his advantage
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Aloud in the description should be 'allowed'.
Changling is changeling.
Competitions
… this sentence has really bad grammar all around, not entirely sure what you're even trying to say with it. Also, aloud/allowed again.
In this case it's any more.
Do either Equestria or the Crystal Empire really strike you as that kind of country?
Lemme stop you right there and teach you about how to end quotations. Rule 1: If it ends with you, afterwards, saying how it was said you end it with a comma and lowercase the next word, like this:
Rule 2: If it ends by going into something else, end it with a period and uppercase the next word, like this:
Rule 3: Exclamation, question marks, and '…' override the comma/period rule and names (Jason, Alex, Samantha) override the uppercase/lowercase rule. Like this:
That's all I'll say for quotation marks, you've messed up pretty much all of them so I won't go through each one. Just look at the rules I posted.
of a large.
So... it's a tabletop game? Or does it move further than his hoof?
Is this what makes it physical? Still sounds like it's a LOT more of a mental game, which flies in the face of what you said earlier about unicorns. Plus, we've seen that magic isn't all mental; it can tire the user out. It's physical, but uses different 'muscles'.
Then why is he in the Equestria Games if he's not a complete professional?
Hoof.
Another grammar-less sentence.
… no so?
. I felt. You're using past tense, so stick with it. Only use present tense in quotations or in the guy's thoughts, and if they're thoughts they should be in italics.
This makes literally no sense. Do you mean... no really, what do you mean?
Isn't changeling magic, well, green?
First, beforehand is one word. Second, beforehoof.
You'd think they would, given the whole shapeshifting deal.
Why Bob? Why not a more pony name?
Ours, yours. No apostrophes.
So we're changing speaker? Let us know that, that it's not just another scene change.
If this person can see changelings draining, how can't everyone else see it?
Wait, why would he know it's... oh. Oh! Nevermind what I said about changing speakers.
Can't tell if it's the alcohol or not, but if not it should be trouble.
… huh?
Chrysalis. You go on to say his name, but your character knows Chrysalis has a name before this, so it makes no sense for him to think changelings have no names.
You know, if everyone there knows he's a changeling, then there wouldn't be any point in disguising. It'd do nothing to stop a panic since they all already know what he looks like!
Don't salivate.
This is a good idea for a story, but there are a lot of spelling, grammar, tense, and storyline errors.
4358677
First off, than you very much. I started doing the EQD writing prompts to help me become a better writer, and this is the first comment I've ever gotten that actually critiqued my work. Since I have to get these in by the EQD deadline, I've developed a habit of not proof reading them, as I usually get them in only a few minutes before they're due. That was not the case today, and I should have proof read it. Also, I am not experienced with writing dialogue, so I thank you for re-explaining to me the rules, even if I am unlikely to remember them. I also wish to clarify a few things, and counter a few of your criticisms.
I should have clarified: I meant that the recent requirement for unicorns to a disabling spell made unicorns less incline to compete. The whole "Queen of the Void" sequence was based on Yu-Gi-Oh!, one of my favorite card games, and it was being done as a side activity to pass the time. When I said that he was watching the changeling drain them, I meant he knew he was draining them, not actually seeing little wisps of energy coming off of them. When i said changelings don't have names, I meant the drones, not their queen. I thought that was clear, but if it wasn't, I'm sorry.
I also have I little difficulty remembering to ponify every word I can. I named him Bob because it was a joke, and most of the grammar-less sentences are a sort of on going commentary. I've seen other authors do this without shifting into thought. I don't really have a reason for why he's constantly disguised as a pony. I guess to make his seem more human... er, equine, so that it was less jarring for the crowd. J'accuse is the French word for "I accuse" I've seen it used sarcastically or ironically in several cartoons and TV series, and thought I would reference that little trope.
As for why the magic was blue rather than green, I assumed that since the changeling drones have blue eyes, while Chrysalis has green, meant that their magic could be blue. I'm also just going to assume a disabling spell doesn't work on a changeling because otherwise this whole story gets mucked up.
Again, thank you for actually criticizing me as opposed to most of the comments I get. I hope to get more comments of a similar fashion in the future. Also, please don't mark this up and send it back to me. I wrote it in five minutes, cut me some slack.
... Changelings.