I'm a pegasister, love ponies, Doctor Who, Minecraft, amd ponies, ponies, amd did I say ponies? Well, born on Sept 8 2000...or something...I joined FIMFiction, I have deviantART, and other s***. Derp.
With the random help of Dashie and Spike.Twilight goes on Tumblr. At a strange part during BronyCon, something was carved into the roof, causing Rainbow to freak out while Twilight is brainless enough to not know what the hay is going on.
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Yyyyyeeeeeaaaaaa..lacking.
Deal with it 
. Now I'll be coming on some Oreos. *gets up from chair and walks away never comming back
*
Hmm, I was expecting that to be longer.
That was an interesting first story. Especially the bloopers. I lieked dem blupars
4363926 First off, I am a girl, and second...
DELETE!
Well, this was definitely an interesting concept. However, the execution itself needs a lot of work. It's not necessarily lacking anything in particular; there are some extremely rushed scenes, but that's not completely unforgivable. You've already pointed out multiple times that you recognize that problem, anyway. The atrocious grammar, though, needs to be fixed. It made it really hard for me to follow the story because there were so many sentences that made absolutely no sense until you read them five or six times. It was a good attempt, though; I would just recommend re-reading or having someone else proofread for you and fixing it from there.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/8/4/390849__safe_solo_oc_vulgar_oc-colon-milky+way_confused_u+wot+m8_artist-colon-helloeternity.png
wha-wha-WHAT THE FU—
*head explodes from pure mindfuck and confusion*
*walks past*
I ain`t cleanin` THAT up!
4371861 Read the 5th chapter...AAAAANNNDDDD
DELETE!
4400006
I did. A half-assed excuse insulting the readers who want to give you legitimate criticism is in no way a valid reason for your blatant ignorance.
Deleting will still never work.
4392146
At least I'm not the only one. Watch out mate, she'll delete you if anything you say threatens to criticize her work, and in turn, her precious ego.
4401087 I know I've been deleting your comments, and here's the reason: Your critzem just didn't..well...{insert stupid saying here} Soo...well...uhm...if you do a...more less likely for me to delete the comment critzisem.
My Celestia that sounded stupid. So..sorry I deleted deleted your comment. Now you can hate this comment if you want. Now hate me now! 
4427086 Yeah, sorry about that. I was being too harsh. You should just work with the criticism, though.It can be very helpful sometimes.
Well. I was interested in this story until I saw the childish antics of the author. Not reading now.
4392146
I can't follow the story either. It's way too disorganized and I can't tell what's going on.