• Published 5th May 2014
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The King Is Dead, Long Live The Emperor! - Bucking Nonsense



A changeling, sent back in time due to a freak accident, kills King Sombra... and ends up as the new ruler of the city. Hilarity ensues.

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No More Mister Nice Guy

"I admit, this one is my favorite."

Thirty minutes earlier...

Luna looked at the figure before her in surprise. The room that Pan had led her into was remarkable, to say the least. It was filled with incredibly life-like marble statues of griffins, ponies, and other, more unusual creatures, each one wearing a costume. At the base of each statue was a plaque, giving the name of the character, and in what play the character featured. And there were... thousands of them, at least. The room seemed to go on forever.

The one that Pan pointed to was a most remarkable character: Garbed in a costume comprised of various shades of gray, the griffin in question wore a mask of polished metal, crafted in such a way as to imply a slight smile. While the coloration of his garb normally implied a deep melancholia, the costume itself was arranged as a jester's motley, along with a belled cap. Without even checking the plaque, the identity of this character was plain: Chicot, better known as The Gray Lord.

Looking at Pan in surprise, Luna asked, "Your favorite? But he's a villain!"

With a shrug, Pan asked, "Was he?" At Luna's confused expression, he continued, "In truth, he was less the villain and more a second protagonist: The Gray Lord, both in reality and in the play that chronicled his actions, was never portayed as truly evil. While no angel, perhaps, he had plenty of reason to seek redress for the wrongs committed against him: He was doused in oil, set ablaze, and left for dead, simply for revealing the king's various infidelities to the royal court. Disguised as a jester, he spent five years working behind the king's back, fostering the coup that would ultimately bring about the king's undoing... only to meet his own demise within minutes of his success, at the claws of the prince, his best friend and the one many consider to be the true hero of the story." With a chuckle, he said, "While Chicot may be the 'villain' of the play, historically his actions would redeem him: The coup he engineered would herald a new golden age for the Griffin Kingdoms, with the death of King Artorias The First, who had, amongst many other nicknames, the Mad, the Cruel, and the Merciless, giving way to his son, Artorias the Second, who was known as the Kind, the Generous, and the Glorious."

Luna looked at the statue, then back at Pan. After a moment, she asked, "Were you thinking of using the Gray Lord as your new persona?"

Nodding, Pan admitted, "I was. It was while using this persona that I came up with the idea of 'turning the established order on it's head' in order to root out the traitor to the crown. The Gray Lord had never served as a ruler himself, but he understood court politics like no other individual in history, and had the king not nearly killed Chicot before he had reached his twentieth birthday, there's a possibility that the noble would have ruled the Griffin Kingdoms in all but name before he turned thirty." With a half-smile, he added, "And ruled it, name and all, before he was thirty-five. The main reason why I chose King Arthur over Chicot is because, for all his political brilliance, the Gray Lord was not known for his kindness. Then again, he was not known for his cruelty, either. The Crystal Ponies deserve a kind ruler after the horrors of King Sombra..."

A small smile forming on her face, Luna asked, "A kind ruler? Or a just one? One that would go to extraordinary lengths to right wrongs and punish evil?" Her expression turning stern, she stated, "A ruler too kind to do what needs to be done to save his kingdom is a ruler unworthy of the crown. A ruler should seek justice, for himself, and for his subjects, above all else."

Pan seemed thoughtful for a moment, then said, "You're right." Taking the mask off of the statue, Pan placed it upon his face and said, "With the dawn, the Crystal Empire will have a new ruler. While not the emperor that everypony wants, he'll be the one that everypony needs. The one... everypony deserves."
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Sunrise...

Luna yawned, stretched, and smiled, a hoof against her lips. Last night had proven... interesting. With everything that had happened, she and Pan had not realized that they had reached the third day without... expressing their affections. While it would take an entire day for the compulsion to become unbearably strong (Impossible for even Luna to resist, she was given to understand), they had decided, after a brief discussion, to 'resolve' the issue now, rather than wait.

Rather than something as... extreme as last time, the two had decided to stick to what Pan referred to as 'tongue wrestling', an extended session of deep and passionate kissing. While Pan had indicated it was at the bottom of the list of things that would fulfill the compulsion, after a few minutes of it, Luna had to admit that it had gotten much more intense than she would have imagined. Had they not both been exhausted by the drama of the last couple of days, they would both have gone much, much further than that...

Pan was already out of bed, looking out the window, his expression a mystery. Luna cleared her throat to get his attention, then asked, "Is something wrong?"

After a moment, the changeling said, "Out there, somewhere, is at least one pony who wants to take the throne... and is willing to kill to do so. If they'd just come up to me and asked for it on day one, I'd probably have just given it to them and left: I never asked for any of this, it just kinda happened. I didn't have any real attachment to the ponies here, originally." Shaking his head sadly, Pan said, "And I would have been a fool for doing so. Now, after seeing what they'll resort to in order to gain the throne, I shudder to think of what will happen when they have it... Not to mention what they might do to keep it." The changeling closed his eyes, gave a long sigh, then said, "I changed history when I killed Sombra. That means I have a responsibility to make certain that change is for the better."
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There are certain expectations one has when they hear the word 'bard' or 'minstrel', whether the one in question is male or female. They expect somepony tall, lean, perhaps even willowy, but definitely graceful. There's an expectation of radiant beauty if it is a mare, or of an almost effeminate handsomeness if a stallion. There's a definite expectation of long, silky hair and fine clothing that is immaculately kept. There should also be a hat with a flamboyant feather stuck in the hatband.

In truth, the only true prerequisite for a bard is the ability to make beautiful music.

Golden Tone, the recently appointed royal minstrel (The one who had written the incredibly memorable, unbelievably ribald, and surprisingly catchy song 'celebrating' the new emperor's greatness), would have laughed in your face if you had told her about those expectations. Short, stocky, overweight to the point of being called 'fluffy', and with a face that would consider homely a compliment, she looked more like a stereotypical cook than a bard. Her mane was cut short, only going as far down as her chin, and it could only be described as 'messy'. She rarely wore any manner of garment, since she was a messy eater, and a silken doublet would never survive her eating breakfast: In truth, it is claimed that grown stallions have run screaming from the sight of her devouring a pie. She'd never worn a hat in her life, preferring to keep her head uncovered. A dark brown coat with black mane and tail, with green eyes that twinkled endlessly with merriment, while she definitely seemed the likeable sort, nopony would have thought her to be one of the greatest singers in Equestria... up until she began to speak.

With a voice as sweet as honey, Golden Tone asked, "So, how is life treating you, brother-in-law?"

Pen Stroke often reflected on how strange life could be: When he had wed his wife, Roundelay, he had understood that she had a sister, and that sister was in fact an accomplished bard. He had not realized just how accomplished she was until he saw said sister performing at their wedding... and drawn an hour long standing ovation from the crowd afterwards: Golden Tone's music could make a statue stand up and cheer, and had once made King Sombra himself weep. Sadly, the tyrant had forbid her from ever singing in his presence again, but the fact that he had not struck her down was proof enough that the new royal minstrel had touched his heart in a way both deep and profound, if only briefly. The fact that all of that was packed in a body that looked out of place without a pie in one hoof and a mug of beer in the other was one of life's greatest ironies.

The greatest irony of all, Pen had always thought, was that Roundelay, in spite of her name, and her kind and generous manner, could not carry a tune in a bucket, regardless of her own incredible beauty...

With a weak chuckle, Pen Stroke admitted, "I suppose I cannot complain overmuch. I still draw breath, my son is safe, and my favorite sister-in-law has come to visit me. Who could ask for more?"

Chuckling, the bard admitted, "It's important to look on the brighter side of things, I admit." Looking over at Tender Loving Care, who was dozing in a chair, tired out from having been up all night, Golden Tone said, "I was surprised to see her here: Were it not for the horn, I'd have thought her my sister reborn." With a sly look, the minstrel said, "I don't suppose that's why you selected her, is it?"

Shaking his head, the chancellor said, "No, she was picked by others, due to being an outsider and having a talent for caring for others. Had I been aware of her existence, I would have been hesitant about selecting her: You know how others talk."

With a smirk, Golden Tone said, "Let them talk. She's a fine looking mare, and you're much too young to spend the rest of your life single. 'Sides, my favorite nephew needs a mother. When you're all better, why not see if she's available?"

Pen Stroke raised a hoof and prepared to voice an objection, then stopped himself. While he had, admittedly, not had those kinds of thoughts in some time, having seen Tender Loving Care last night had brought all manner of things bubbling to the surface. While his current state left him with no real libido, he could not help but reflect on how lonely he had been lately...

"I'll give it some thought," he conceded, then turned his mind to business. "Before the attack, the emperor gave me permission to reopen the investigation into Roundelay's murder. I'd like you to start making a few inquiries. While a few of the suspects had ironclad alibis, one or two of them were protected only by their rank, instead of real evidence."

Nodding in understanding, Golden asked, "Would you like me to start with Scarlet Wake? I know you've never trusted him."

Sighing, Pen Stroke admitted, "There are a number of questions I'd dearly love to ask him, but investigation cleared him of wrongdoing in the assassination attempt: While I suspect he is dirtier than a diamond dog den, in this matter he came out as clean as a whistle. My wife's murder was... amateurish. If Scarlet Wake had truly sought to kill the king back then, he'd have hired a professional to do the job."

The bard sighed, then asked, "Then where should I start?"

"Lady Midnight Black," Pen Stroke said, his eyes narrowing. "I suspect that the king was not the true target of that assassination, since the poison was so fast acting, and since the custom of the holiday we were celebrating on that dreadful day had the wife drink before the husband. Midnight had made no effort at hiding her intent of wedding the king, back when he was single. My suspicion is that she was hoping for a second attempt at capturing his attention by making the king a widower..."
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"Well done, both of you," Pan said to Gold Coin and Shimmering Radiance, looking over the list that the two youngsters had brought him. "And you're saying that this... 'Lame Horse' will want to meet with me later on, as payment for this information?"

Pan, the two children, and both Princess Luna and Celestia were discussing the matter at hoof in the throne room. While there were other places the meeting could have been held, the changeling felt that it be best that such things be discussed here: According to both Celestia and Luna, the anti-eavesdropping enchantments in this room were better than anywhere else in the palace...

Gold Coin nodded and said, "Indeed, milord. That was the only thing asked in exchange. She turned down any number of bits we were willing to offer, stating that this was all she wanted from us."

Smiling, Pan said, "Easily done." Examining the list in detail, he noted, "You also included a list of their parents and closest living relatives. Dare I ask why?" The changeling sincerely hoped that they weren't expecting him to make an example of them. While the Gray Lord persona might be somewhat ruthless, he wasn't THAT ruthless...

"Well, about that," Shimmering Radiance said, smiling, "I had a bit of a plan: Given who their parents are, if they're executed for their attack yesterday, it would cause a lot of problems for you later down the line. More importantly, whoever is really behind this isn't on the list, and we need to track down the leader if we want to find out who is truly responsible. However, if you spare these assassins, but... 'interrogate' them, the parents won't be very happy. But..."

The next five minutes of explanation were interrupted, multiple times, by both Pan and the princesses laughing aloud. Even Gold Coin and Shimmering Radiance were giggling towards the end.

Grinning, Pan said, "An unusual plan. It's devious, wicked, and completely insane. I like it!" Looking over towards Gold Coin, he continued, "I know you'd rather be with your father while he recovers, but I fear that, at this moment, the number of ponies I can rely upon is small. I do not yet know who I would need to ask to get things done, and it will take me time to learn... time I do not yet have. Can you help me with this?"

Bowing, the colt said, "I am forever at your service, milord."

A half-smile on his face, the emperor said, "Forever is a long time, little colt, and I hope it won't take that long for your father to recover. Still, I understand your meaning. Very well: Assemble two groups of guards. One is to collect the assassins, the other, the parents. If any of the guards question why, simply inform them that the emperor needs to discuss an urgent matter with them. I will want both groups assembled, then brought to the palace through separate entrances, so that they won't see each other. I will want the assassins here at noon, no sooner or later: It will take that long to get everything set up here. The parents are to be assembled here half an hour before that. And I want it made absolutely clear that this is an imperial command, not a request: Refusal in this situation is not an option..."
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Straight Arrow had never felt so utterly terrified in his entire life, and that was saying something, given that last week, he had accidentally bumped into King Sombra while working in the mines. The fact that the emperor had summoned the pony to the palace now, less than a day after the assassination attempt, certainly could not be a coincidence. The fact that all of his compatriots had been taken in as well spelled utter and absolute doom for them all.

...Still, he would not betray the cause. Their glorious leader was not here, and as long as he drew breath, there was hope: Though they die, the resistance lives on.
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"I suppose you are all wondering why I've called you here today."

Say what you will, Pan had always wanted to say that to a crowd.

Sitting upon the throne, Pan gave a lazy smile while he took in the scene: The twenty assassins were young, so young that they could still be considered children. The thought that somepony could have convinced ponies so immature to try and commit murder was... horrifying.

"Each of you are suspects in the attempted assassination yesterday," he stated, without preamble. "While you can certainly deny it, if you wish, I can see that each of you has a bandage upon your forelegs. I imagine that examination would prove that those wounds are consistent with those from using a bow without wearing protective legbands." The assembled ponies all visibly gulped. Chuckling, Pan continued, "And perhaps more importantly, a note was dropped off here at the palace just an hour ago. This anonymous note indicates, in no uncertain terms, that each of you are responsible for the attack. I suspect somepony wanted you to be found right away..."

"You lie," one of the youthful assassins proclaimed, clearly angered by this. "These allegations are completely groundless!"

The lad in question was... soft-looking, as if he had never truly worked a day in his life, even when Sombra was making the lives of everypony else miserable. Pan reviewed his knowledge of the list, and while the exact name escaped him this second, he remembered that this youth was the son of a wealthy merchant: Sheltered, spoiled, probably never wanted for anything in his life. The changeling would have bet a thousand bits on what the next words out of the pony's mouth would be...

He'd have won that bet. His normally orange face bright red, the youth half-asked, half-shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?!"

Pan's normally blue radiance turned green, and he seemed to briefly be wreathed in flames. He vanished, elicting gasps from the assassins, and for a moment, a wicked and wild wind whipped through the room. An instant later, the emperor reappeared, directly in front of the pony in question (Not teleportation, but love burning: If you increased your speed by a million times for three seconds, then even if you were a turtle, you would move like a lightning bolt).

"I know exactly who your father is," Pan said, his voice dark with promise, one echoed by his nightmarish expression, his body still ablaze with green witchfire. "I know who your mother is, too, as well as the names of every pony related to you in the city, unto the fifth generation. If I were King Sombra, I would allow you to choose the order in which they were executed... and not only would you be made to watch, but you would be forced to hold the axe for each and every one of them."

The colt in question shrieked like a three year old filly, then tried to back away. Suddenly, the burning green light was replaced again with a gentle blue, and Pan said, "But I am not King Sombra. No, not even slightly. I am Emperor Pandinus Imperator The First, Ruler of the Crystal Empire And All Who Doth Dwell Within, and in no way have I proven myself to be a tyrant. Quite the opposite, to be honest with you. However..."

He flicker green for a moment, vanished, then reappeared back on his throne, obviously at ease and smiling beatifically, "...Even my patience has limits," he said, his tone light. "Now, I want a written confession from all of you, without exception, relating every detail of the events that lead up to the assassination, as well as the name and a full description of your leader. If you do that, then I will be merciful. Otherwise, I will have to take more... drastic action."

The response was immediate, and exactly as expected: Refusal. There were a few who shouted tyrant, a few who claimed that they would never betray the cause (What cause? Pan had been here three days, how could there be a cause so soon?), and a couple who claimed that neither threats of execution nor torture would make them lose their resolve. Sad to see, honestly, a bunch of kids willing to martyr themselves for a pony who saw them only as pawns in a greater game. If Pan could cry, he would have been moved to tears.

Still, he knew one thing that would break their resolve. "Very well," Pan stated, shaking his head sorrowfully, "Then I am left with no choice but to resort to more drastic measures."

With a gesture, Pan signaled Princesses Celestia and Luna. The two dropped the invisibility spell they had been maintaining, revealing themselves...

...And the parents of the assassins.

The shouts of defiance abruptly stopped, and inside, Pan smiled. Shimmering Radiance had it right on the money: There are few things that ponies at that age would truly fear. Death? Please, at that age, most ponies thought themselves as immortal as Celestia and Luna, and a thousand times more invulnerable. Torture? Ponies this soft didn't understand how terrible that could truly be, and by the time they did, they'd be scarred for life in more ways than one. Imprisonment? That would take a good long time to get through to them, if it ever did. No, for ponies like these, the fastest way to get to them was through their parents' disapproval.

Looking at the princesses, Pan said, "You know, I feel rather peckish. Do you, ladies?" The princesses nodded, smiling, and the changeling continued, "The princesses and I are going to step out and grab something to eat. We'll be gone about an hour. In the meantime, no one is to leave this room. Feel free to talk things out amongst yourselves, but please bear in mind that I don't want any hitting, and do try to refrain from using foul language, if at all possible." With that, Pan rose, and escorted the two princesses outside the room, and shut the door behind him. Almost immediately afterwards, the shouting began. The overall tone of the 'discussion' was 'WHAT THE PLUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?!' and mumbled responses that, even from this distance, Pan could tell wouldn't hold water.

Giggling, Celestia asked, "How long do you think it will really take?"

"Honestly," Pan said, chuckling, "I think it would be over and done with for most of them in five minutes. A few of them looked to be made of sterner stuff, but in the end, colts and fillies that age desperately crave their parents' approval, and up until now, they'd always believed they had it. Given that, now that they know they've lost it, they're going to fold like the proverbial busted flush."
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Winter, watching the entire scene, was laughing aloud. This... Imperator had a certain sense of style that the windigo could not help but find enjoyable. While he still planned to freeze the Crystal Empire solid, and Winter now certainly had the power to do so, the immortal could not yet fully bring himself to do it yet.

Immortality can be incredibly boring sometimes, and for a creature like Winter, any opportunity for entertainment of this caliber could not be passed up. The drama unfolding here in the city was delicious, and given that the windigo had all the time in the world, he could let things continue on for quite some time...

Author's Note:

Chicot
And yes, there might be some parallels between the tale of the Gray Lord and Code Geass. Maybe.