• Published 5th May 2014
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The King Is Dead, Long Live The Emperor! - Bucking Nonsense



A changeling, sent back in time due to a freak accident, kills King Sombra... and ends up as the new ruler of the city. Hilarity ensues.

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The World Turned Upside Down

"Are you crazy, or just evil?"

Pan couldn't help but chuckle at that question. He had just told the princesses the start of his grand plan for the evening, and needless to say, the looks on their faces were priceless. Celestia had performed a colossal spit-take, and Luna had spent the next several seconds trying, and failing, to give voice to her objections. Obviously, there were so many things she wanted to say that she couldn't work out which one to say first.

Not surprising, since Pan's first decree would fly in the face of traditions that went back centuries.

"Possibly," Pan stated, a half-smile on his face, "but let's work under the assumption that there is a method to my madness, rather than a madness to my method. Yes, I admit that traditions are important, at least when they first begin. But there comes a time when the traditions of old must be... re-evaluated, and if it is found that they are no longer in the best interests of the nation, they must be set aside."

An eyebrow raised, Celestia asked, "A noble sentiment, but what about the repercussions of this decree? Have you truly considered what the consequences will be?"

The changeling sighed sadly, then said, "There will be consequences, yes, but there would be greater consequences if I do nothing. The love poison was just an opening move: Whoever is behind that will have another plan set in motion as soon as he or she realizes that it has failed. If I know anything about this kind of mindset, each attempt to overthrow me will become bolder as the one responsible goes uncaught. If they are not stopped, and stopped quickly, then odds are, I'll not only have to deal with this one noble, but half a dozen others who are emboldened by his actions. By year's end, there could be a coalition, seeking to take me down, lead by whoever poisoned Luna last night." His expression turned stern as he concluded with, "I want every noble attending tonight to think long and hard about what will happen when I catch the one responsible for that, and what will happen to anypony who tries to emulate him."

Luna looked ready to raise an objection, having finally found her tongue, then seemed to reconsider. "The idea," she said, "may have merit. But are you willing to accept full responsibility for what may happen? I admit, if whoever is responsible for last night's attack possesses a rational mind, or at least the smallest shred of decency, they may be hampered by what you plan to enact. However, if they are not..."

If Pan could roll his eyes, he would. "Then whoever is forced to work under that pony would be suffering drastically, and would jump at the chance to escape that position," he stated confidently. "And if the perpetrator did try anything drastic to hide their crime, they would tip their hoof, and give themselves away. Either way, we win."

Celestia was fully capable of rolling her eyes, and did so. "I fear you may be underestimating your opponent. Still, the idea does indeed have merit, and had the idea come to me before now, it would be something I would have implemented." She gave a small smile as she admitted, "I would not have dared to make it into a law in a single night, though."

Chuckling wickedly, Pan said, "And that's just the first surprise that I will be springing tonight. There are still two more declarations I plan on making, and I promise you, that first one was the least spectacular of the three..."
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That evening...

"Our subjects," Pan said, addressing the assembled nobles in the royal banquet hall with the royal 'we', "We have called you here tonight for several reasons. The first is to announce the appointment of a new member of our esteemed peerage." Gesturing to the little filly beside him, he announced, "It is our honor to introduce you to Shimmering Radiance, Archduchess Of The Upper Golden Groves." The former pauper gave a perfectly executed curtsey, gave a winning smile to the assembled peerage, and Pan was certain that she instantly stole the hearts of more than half of the nobility present.

"While she is young," Pan continued, smiling, "Princess Luna has decided to place our newest noble under her wing until such time as she has come of age, and is able to fully meet the demands of her new station. We feel that, by that time, she will be more than up to the task ahead." So if you don't like it, he thought to himself, too bad.

There was some murmuring in the crowd, and Pan allowed that to continue for a few seconds. The room was quite large, as was expected of a hall typically used for state dinners, but whispers carried quite well due to the acoustics of the chamber. There were over a hundred nobles assembled, not counting Shimmering Radiance, Pan, and the princesses, so even with the ponies trying to stay quiet, they made an almost deafening racket.

Pan raised a hoof, and everypony went silent. Oh merciful heavens, I am going to love being able to do that from now on, he thought to himself. He'd already noticed a number of abilities that being the emperor had granted him. Imperial Superpower Number One: The Royal Hoof Of Silence. He swore to himself that he'd try very hard not to abuse that... too much.

"We also have a set of announcements that must be made tonight." His expression stern, Pan continued in his best 'Emperor' voice, "Many of you have heard rumors of an attempt to poison our imperial self last night. Those rumors are true." There were a number of gasps at that. Some of them might have been feigned, but a great many of them were genuine. This was a pony kingdom, Pan reminded himself, not a griffin, naga, or a changeling court. Things like that were somewhat less common here, especially within the first three days of a ruler's reign.

"While it obviously did not work," Pan continued with a smirk, "we are not amused. Somepony amongst us has decided to attack us in the sanctity of the Crystal Palace, on the very night that we were celebrating the end of an evil monarch. Were it Sombra who had been assaulted in such a manner, we are certain that every pony here would find themselves on an executioner's block, or in a torture chamber. It is fortunate for all of you that we are not him."

Many of the nobles now looked incredibly nervous at that. The mention of Sombra had instantly cast a shadow over the audience. They didn't know what was coming now, but they knew it would be... severe.

"However, we are merciful, and it has always been our philosophy that those who commit wrongs must be made to account for their crimes, no matter how long it may take to do so. Thus, we do hereby announce a change to a policy that has been in place for generations, and has hindered the pursuit of justice for many an age."

The whispers began again, and Pan immediately used the Hoof Of Silence to stop them. "The perpetrator of this crime cannot be allowed to use law and tradition as a shield to hide from his just punishment. Thus, the practice where a vassal would be imprisoned if he should break his oath of servitude by reporting a crime that his liege lord had committed, including high treason... is no more."

The silence that followed was deafening.

"Furthermore, should one of the vassals that serve this traitor, or any other, should bring irrefutable proof of the commission of high treason, or crimes of an equally deplorable nature, we shall be certain to give a just reward to the one responsible for jeopardizing their life by bringing such evidence to light."

In the shocked silence that followed, Pan thought to himself, Well, that's the carrot. Now, let's show them the stick. "Further," he stated aloud, "the tradition of 'Only Following My Lord's Commands', the immunity granted to servants for following the orders of their so-called betters, is also no more. If it is found that the servants of this traitor, or any other, were aware of his treason, and continued to take part in it after this night, they shall be found as guilty of treason as their liege lord themselves. It is every pony's responsibility, whether noble or commonborn, to ensure the safety and security of the realm. The law will not protect those who abandon that duty in pursuit of personal gain, nor those who aid them in doing so."

The uproar that followed was tremendous, deafening on a scale that most ponies could not imagine. After a solid three minutes, Pan raised the Hoof Of Silence again, then said, "I understand that this flies in the face of tradition, but there is no better time than now to set the broken traditions of the past aside in pursuit of building a better tomorrow. New laws and regulations will be put into place shortly, both to protect those who bring charges of treason from retaliation... and to protect you, my subjects, from baseless accusations of the same. I assure you, there will be no summary executions in my kingdom, and the ancient covenant of 'King's Evidence' still stands. Those who commit crimes in the dark will be dragged into the light, and evidence of their crimes will be brought out for all to see. However, those who give false evidence to the Emperor's seat in pursuit of their own elevation will find themselves... permanently elevated by a length of rope around the neck, tied to a tree branch."

King's Evidence was an ancient tradition, and while it was true that turning King's Evidence held a number of advantages, the penalty of breaking that covenant was among the most severe there was: You lie to the king, and you would be hung from your neck until such time as you were dead. A brutal punishment that was no longer practiced in Equestria in one thousand year's time, but it did serve well to prevent false testimony in the current era.

There were nods of understanding from the assembled peerage: While many of them were still clearly displeased, the majority did not have anything to be afraid of, so long as the law protected both the commoner and the noble. Their vassals, in the main, loved and respected their liege lords, and at least half of those assembled, if not absolute paragons of virtue, were individuals whose worst vices involved shaving a small percentage off of the royal tithe, or keeping a private harem of willing mares (He was given to understand that one stallion in the crowd kept a private harem of thirty mares, all of them peasant born, and each of them more than happy to service him in any way he pleased for the rest of his life, in exchange for wealth enough to sustain their families for the next eight generations. Moreover, the stallion had given a genuine offer to wed the first one to bear his foal. Given that this started five years ago, and with no results yet, Pan suspected that the stallion may be sterile, but only time could tell for certain). Pan would not say that the innocent had nothing to fear, since the closest thing to true innocence in this room had just delivered a curtsy to the crowd, but he supposed that he'd be willing to overlook the smaller crimes, so long as their were no bigger ones hidden behind them.

"I have two more announcements to give tonight," Pan said, smiling. That first one had stunned them. The second one, he was certain, was going to shock them much further. And the third? It will rock their world.
---------------------

It took all of Scarlet Wake's self-control to keep from panicking. Had Nopony been present, rather than spending the evening with his wife and children, the noble was certain that the aide would have immediately advanced upon the emperor, thown himself at the ruler's hooves, and publicly announced everything that that Scarlet Wake had done, and was preparing to do. Scarlet would need to take drastic steps to save his own hide. He'd have to accelerate the next step of his plans, and then remove Nopony and his family from the picture... permanently.
-----------------------

"The second announcement is that, due to the abundance of open spaces in the peerage left by Sombra's purge of the royal family, we shall begin searching the kingdom for individuals of merit worthy of those lands and titles now vacant. One's birth, wealth, or even current vocation, will in no way bar entry into the peerage. Merchant, farmer, carpenter, even a courtesan, any individual found to be of great merit may find themselves within your ranks by this time next year. The conditions for entry will be discussed in detail at a later date. For now, simply understand that Shimmering Radiance is only the first commoner to be elevated to nobility. We doubt that she will be the only one to do so."

"Further," he said, forestalling the general hubbub that would normally have followed, "those who currently hold titles will be evaluated, and based upon their merits, may find themselves elevated to higher station themselves. We should caution you, however, that those who are found wanting will be expected to shape up, or this time next year, you may find yourselves in a significantly different role than before. We have a great deal of work ahead of us, and any dead weight that tries to drag us down will be cut loose without hesitation."

There were a number of gulps around the room. While the number of indolent nobles in the city was small, they were present. Those who lacked the business sense to make the fertile fields, abundant natural resources, and the diligent workers in their respective territories turn a profit would quickly find themselves out of a job. The only way a noble could fail to make an abundance of wealth in the Crystal Empire was by not even bothering to try.

"We understand that this is a drastic change from the traditions of old," Pan stated, his tone formal. "However, what good were those traditions in the face of King Sombra?" There were a few murmurs of agreement at that: The fact that custom dictated that somepony amongst the higher nobility lead the citizens in revolt against the tyrant, and that pony would become the new king, had been used against them. The upper nobility were so busy arguing over who should be the leader of the revolution that it prevented them from starting one.

Pan had been surprised to learn that Pen Stroke had his ear to the metaphorical ground, listening to the voice of the street. The common ponies were most displeased with the behavior of the nobility of late, and there were definite whispers for a change. Were it not for the fact that Pan, who was not an Equestrian noble, held the crown, there would have been a bloody peasant revolt in progress. As it was, there were definite rumblings about whether or not there was truly a need for nobility these days.

...Which was why there needed to be a shake-up like this one. Otherwise, within half a year, there would be rioting in the streets, with nobles killing commoners, and vice versa. Given how many more commoners there were than nobles, the end result would be a foregone conclusion, but Pan would not have his first year of leadership marked by a violent bloodbath. However, if a new generation of nobility, selected from the common ponies, were to rise, it would help in preventing such an event from occurring.

Smiling, Pan continued, without the royal 'we', "It is my fervent hope that everypony who is here today will still be amongst us, this time next year. Bar one, of course." His expression almost beatific, the changeling stated, "If any of you have an opportunity to learn of the identity of this traitor, and bring it to my attention, I would find myself... incredibly grateful."

Now the traitor would have nopony to turn to for aid, to trust with his scheming: His or her own common servants would jump at an opportunity to turn the traitor in, for a chance at elevation to nobility. Meanwhile, the other nobles would jump at the chance to turn him in, in the hopes of gaining the emperor's favor: What better way to keep from losing your own rank in the nobility than to gain the favor of the ruler? In fact, many of them were likely thinking that catching the traitor would result in an elevation of position within the nobility. After all, there was still an Archduchy of the Lower Golden Groves available...

"Third," Pan said, a pleased smile upon his face, "we wish to announce our engagement to Princess Luna of Equestria." The princess in question stepped forth, confidently, and raised a hoof, showing the golden band, set with a massive diamond, she now wore. She blushed slightly, clearly not used to being the center of attention.

The crowd began to cheer. This meant that, rather than being an isolated city in the sticks, the Crystal Empire would become a major world power in the near future. After all, their emperor was now on the path to becoming true Equestrian royalty...
--------------------------------

Earlier that day...

"You cannot be serious," Celestia said with a scowl.

"I am," Pan said, his expression carefully neutral. "Given the conditions of the love poison, your sister will spend at least every third night in my bed, whether any of us like it or not. There will be gossip about her electing to stay here for a year, that much is unavoidable. There would be even more gossip if she were found sharing my bed without any explanation as to why." Celestia blushed brightly at that statement, then nodded in understanding. "The exact nature of the poisoning last night is known only to a few, and those few are sworn to secrecy. I think that, for all parties concerned, it is best that nopony be given reason to believe that the poisoning worked on Luna when it failed to work on me. If only a few have that knowledge, it can be used at a later time to catch out poisoner. That said, what better way to curtail the gossip and speculation, and keep the nature of the poisoning a secret, than to give a perfectly reasonable explanation for it? One that would cause a radically different kind of gossip?"

Of course, there would be repercussions: If the marriage were to ever actually occur, Pan would become a true Equestrian royal with a voice equal to that of Celestia and Luna, something that has never happened before. The diarchy would suddenly become a triarchy, and a new player would enter the game of world politics. The balance of power in Equestria, and even the global, would be drastically changed forever.

...But only if the two of them were truly wed.

Her expression neutral, Celestia stated, "I admit, from a political standpoint, it is... viable. I dislike it, but, ultimately, it is not my decision." Turning towards her sister, Celestia asked, "Luna, the decision is yours. What say you?"

Luna gave this all a few minutes thought before she spoke. Her expression was, surprisingly, quite serene as she stated, "As a princess of Equestria, I have understood for the longest time that, whatever my heart truly desired, I would be required to do what was needed for the good of the kingdom. I accepted that the day I first put on a crown. Since I can no longer trust, for the next year, what my heart is telling me, I find that my course is no different than it was before. In one year's time, when the potion has worn off, I can choose whether the engagement remains, or if it should be called off, so I have no objections." Her mouth twitched into a slight smile as she added, "And I admit, I will enjoy watching whoever is responsible for last night's poisoning squirm when he realizes that his actions have served to make your claim to leadership stronger, rather than ruining it."
---------------------------------

Ten minutes after the conclusion of the meeting...

Scarlet Wake seethed inside, but it was a testament to his self-control that he let none of it color his tone while speaking with his cousin. While the two of them exchanged inane pleasantries and discussed insignificant issues, Scarlet Wake adjusted his plans in his head. While Golden Grace would assume that Scarlet was an absolute incompetent when it came to political intrigues, the truth was much, much different: The only reason, so far, that Scarlet Wake was only a baron was because he'd decided that it would be much easier to raise his position to duke, or archduke, in one fell swoop, rather than trying to raise himself up, one rank at a time. Nopony would expect his sudden rise to prominence until it happened, and by then, it would be too late to stop him.

Political intrigue is, to a sociopathic sadist like Scarlet, not unlike a game of chess. The only pieces of any true value are the kings. Every other piece was just something to be played, and ultimately discarded, in pursuit of attaining your goal, defeating the opposing player. However, when a checkmate is no longer possible through skill, simply because your opponent is a superior player, the best course of action was to frustrate your opponent, to infuriate him to the point where he can no longer think clearly. In such a state, instead of playing at the level of a grandmaster, your opponent will play instead at barely the level of a novice.

It was only by the most narrow of chances that Scarlet Wake had evaded the executioner's axe tonight, and with three simple moves, the emperor had placed the baron in check. However, the game was still in its infancy, and Scarlet Wake already had a plan in mind. It would require a few simple adjustments to his plan, really. The timetable could, in fact, be accelerate. Instead of waiting for a week, the baron could make his next move tomorrow.

Scarlet Wake gave a little laugh, and naturally, his foolish dandy of a cousin thought that it was at a small joke that that Golden had made. How that moronic, foppish clotheshorse had managed to maintain the rank of duke, when there was so much bitter infighting amongst the higher nobility, the baron would never guess. Possibly, it was simply due to the fact that nopony viewed him as a threat: Golden Grace had never demonstrated even the slightest hint of ambition.
----------------------------------

"How went the meeting, milord?"

Scarlet Wake turned towards Nopony, and said, with a serenity the baron was certain disturbed his aide greatly, "Oh, you know how it goes: A new leader wanting to show how long his foalmaker is to his new subjects. A great deal of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

Nopony nodded, then said, "Then it was exactly as you expected."

In truth it was anything but. However, Scarlet had not survived as long as he had without being able to maintain a poker face that would have made any cardsharp in Equestria envious. "Indeed. Any news?"

Nopony bowed, then said, "The Widowmaker has finally arrived, and is waiting in your study."

The Widowmaker? In all of the recent excitement, Scarlet Wake had nearly forgotten that he had summoned the master assassin. He had originally summoned the most famed glue-maker in all of Equestria in the hopes of eliminating Sombra. Now that the tyrant was gone, Scarlet Wake was tempted to simply send the Widowmaker away. However...

Nopony would need to be removed from play: He was in too deep to be allowed to live, and his betrayal would now be inevitable. While it would be regrettable to lose such a powerful piece, Scarlet Wake could not allow the aide to be turned, or that would be the end of the game. However, if Nopony were to simply drop dead, without any context to hide the reasons behind his removal, Scarlet Wake would just as well have walked up to the emperor himself and declare his guilt before all of the assembled nobles tonight.

But what if Nopony were not the only one to die?

"Very well. I shall see him shortly. However, I need you to set my plan in motion tonight, and have the pawns strike at noon, tomorrow."

"Milord," Nopony said, clearly shocked, "the pawns are not prepared. It would take days to convince them that the death of the new emperor would be for the good of the kingdom."

Rolling his eyes, Scarlet said, "I am fully aware of that. Instead, you will tell them that their target is Pen Stroke, the royal chancellor. The emperor relies upon Pen to do practically everything for him. With Pen Stroke either dead, injured, or jumping at shadows, Imperator's right hoof will be cleanly severed, and I can move much more freely. Understand?"

Nopony gave that some consideration, then admitted, "That could work. The chancellor is not well known to the common ponies, so I doubt that there would be any objections to his assassination."

"Good," the baron said to his soon-to-be-dead aide. "There is a wedding between two commoners tomorrow, at noon. When the emperor was informed of it at tonight's meeting, he made it clear that he would be in attendance. Something about it being a 'symbol of the rebirth of hope for the kingdom', and that he would be honored to be there. Give the pawns their marching orders tonight, make certain that they are well equipped, then return immediately to the manor. I do not wish to risk you being spotted in the city tomorrow." And I do not wish for you to hear anything of what the emperor has decreed tonight, he added silently. The city would be abuzz with the emperor's proclamations, come the dawn. Best to have Nopony isolated, until he could be safely removed tomorrow night.
-------------------------------

Assassins are rare amongst ponykind, save in one subspecies, for many reasons. The hooves of the average pony make them ill-suited for the use of killing tools. True, an earth pony can snap necks with a solid kick, and a pegasus can kill a non-pegasus just by lifting a non-pegasus up to a sufficient height, then let gravity do the rest. However being able to do so without being caught in the act is very difficult.

...For unicorns, naturally, the opposite is true: The number of spells that can, properly utilized, drop any other pony dead are practically legion. True, spells that cause instant death on their own are practically unheard of, but using telekinesis spells to snap a target's neck, summoning and propelling a projectile at high velocity, or even delivering a poison directly into the bloodstream via teleportation, make unicorns extremely good at assassination...

And there was no assassin in Equestria more feared, or respected, than the Widowmaker.

There had been an assassin named the Widowmaker for centuries, sitting always at the very top of the world of assassins. There were many theories as to why: Some said that he or she was secretly an alicorn, the Prince or Princess of Death. Others whispered that the Widowmaker became an immortal after he or she had killed the grim reaper and then ate his heart, becoming a master or mistress of death in all of its forms. Some even dared to speculate that the Widowmaker was Atropos, one of the fates, the one who decided when and where a pony would die. A few, more reasonable ponies, simply stated that the title was one handed down from master to apprentice. The Widowmaker, they claimed, was simply a pony, as mortal as any other. Just one that was exceptionally good at killing, and exceptionally good at staying alive and not getting caught.

Whatever the reason for it, if you wanted somepony dead, and wanted to be certain that nopony would ever connect you to the deed, you hired the Widowmaker.

Scarlet Wake sat behind his desk and studied the cloaked figure before him. It was impossible to guess the age, gender, build, or anything about the pony before him. Even the height was questionable. In fact, it was impossible to tell anything, save that it was a unicorn. The baron twitched slightly when words entered his mind, unbidden.

You summoned me.

The words were not spoken, but instead seemed to enter directly into his mind, and if they sounded like anything, it was Scarlet's own voice. The Widowmaker left nothing to show who or what it was, not even the sound of its own voice. Anonymity, Scarlet Wake supposed, was the greatest defense an assassin could have. In truth, the baron had no interest in what lie behind the hood. For all he cared, the Widowmaker could be a wise-cracking mule armed with a magic kazoo, so long as he or she got the job done.

"I did," Scarlet admitted. "I had originally intended to have you assassinate King Sombra. I fear you're three days too late for that commission. Fortunately, I have another contract for you, one potentially a bit more challenging for you."

...I'm listening.

Pulling out a quill, an inkpot, and a sheet of paper, Scarlet Wake said, "I am making a list of thirty ponies that I need you to kill tomorrow night. The exact order will be left to you, as well as the how, but they must all die, and it must be clear that they were murdered, before sunrise. I would prefer you take the one named Nopony last. His death is an absolute necessity, but since he has served me well, I guess that I will not begrudge him a few extra hours of life." As he spoke, he scratched the quill against the paper, writing thirty little death warrants. When it was done, he held up the list. "These ponies are..."

I know exactly who they are, and how to find them.

"I... see," Scarlet Wake said, slightly unnerved. "Your price?"

Standard fee is ten thousand bits per head for nobles. Since each of these targets is commonborn, the fee is five thousand each... with a bonus payment of one hundred fifty thousand for wanting it all in a single night, and wanting it to look like a murder each time. That... complicates the job considerably. Payment must be made in advance. No negotiations. Do we have an accord?

Three hundred thousand bits. That was a princely sum, to be certain. It was more than two years profit from each of Scarlet Wake's holdings, in fact. Still, it was the price that Scarlet Wake had to pay for a professional job, and the ultimate reward would be well worth it...

Nodding, Scarlet Wake said, "Done. If you are interested in another contract, return the night after tomorrow night: I have further use of your services." Thankfully, he'd already gathered the funds the assassin was requesting over a week ago, in preparation for assassinating Sombra. Pulling open a drawer in his desk, he revealed a sizable safe. After a few seconds of work, he opened it and pulled out a bag. From there, it took several minutes to count out the payment. Once it was all arranged in neat stacks, it abruptly vanished.

Your contract is accepted.

And with that, the cloaked figure vanished as well.

Author's Note:

Widowmaker was the name of Pecos Bill's horse, so named because no one could ride him, save Pecos Bill, and live. I honestly could not think of a more fitting name for a pony assassin.