• Published 5th May 2014
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The King Is Dead, Long Live The Emperor! - Bucking Nonsense



A changeling, sent back in time due to a freak accident, kills King Sombra... and ends up as the new ruler of the city. Hilarity ensues.

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Ding Dong...

"What in Tartarus is that?"

As last words go, King Sombra's were somewhat generic, but quite appropriate, given the situation. In the last moments before his spectacular demise, he had been standing upon the balcony of the Crystal Palace, admiring his handiwork. The Crystal Ponies were suffering nicely, their hatred, fear, and despair filling the Crystal Heart with the power he would need in his bid for world domination. It would take weeks, possibly even years, but he could already feel his considerable powers growing even further with every whimper of fear, every moan of despair, and every snarl of loathing from his subjects. "Yes, please hate me more," he thought to himself, "Your enmity serves only to make me stronger."

A shadow abruptly fell over the sorcerer, interrupting his thoughts, and he looked up to see something descending upon him at an incredible speed...

Force equals mass times acceleration. The object in question was a young adult changeling, nineteen years of age, with a mass of seventy-five kilograms (approximately 165 pounds for those who dislike metrics), moving at two hundred meters per second (to put this in perspective, an arrow shot from a bow can go between 150 and 250 meters per second). An object of that mass, and at that velocity, has a lot of force behind it. More importantly, this changeling, realizing that impact was imminent, was using the technique commonly known to changelings as "burning love" to strengthen its carapace in order to prevent itself from being damaged by the sudden stop at the end at the end of his descent... and as everyone knows, love is the anathema of hate.

The net result, for a unicorn sorcerer who was so filled with dark magic that he could barely be considered a pony anymore, was the equivalent of being hit by a small-scale, pony-shaped kinetic strike. Had the wizard been allowed even a second to prepare a defense, he might have survived the surprise bombardment, although he would likely have been critically injured as a result. The force of the impact slammed the wizard down, through the solid crystal of the balcony, and then all the way down into the ground, far far below. His body shattered when it hit the ground, killing him instantly. The last thing that went through King Sombra's mind was that this should not be happening. That for a mighty wizard as himself, this was in no way a fitting end...
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...And in another timeline, it was not his end. Instead, he would meet his end a thousand years later, at the hooves of an alicorn princess and the citizens of the Crystal Empire. And in another, he was banished eternally to the realm of shadows by a wise-cracking mule armed with a magical kazoo. And in a third, he suddenly saw the futility of his selfish actions, reformed, and became one of the greatest rulers to have ever lived, eventually ascending to an alicorn prince. And in a fourth... he won, conquered all of the world, and died a bitter, dissatisfied old stallion, since even after taking over the world, he was still unhappy. There's a limitless number of alternate timelines, each one containing a different set of results for the actions that those within take. These alternate timelines primarily exist because scientists and wizards everywhere will not stop poking the fabric of reality with the equivalent of a sharp stick, just to see what happens. Attempts to travel through time have ended up with two mutually exclusive methods of moving back and forth through the oceans of ages... in addition to more alternate timelines than there are particles of matter in any one universe.

The first method is one that was pioneered, in one universe, by Starswirl the Bearded. We can call this the 'safe' method. It allows one to move backwards through time without being able to change the events of the past. Any attempt to create a paradox will only result in the traveler returning to their own time. Useful for seeing what has happened in the past, but not for much else, unless you like stable time loops.

The second method allows for one to change the past, but at a cost: The trip is one way. Upon reaching the past, a split occurs, creating a 'Prime' universe, where events proceeded as normal, and an 'Alternate' universe, where the time traveler's mere existence changes the course of events, and each action that is taken serves only to further the distance between the two timelines. If one tries to move forward in time at this point, they succeed only in moving forward in the 'Alternate' timeline, not the 'Prime'.

If Twilight Sparkle had used this method to move back to the past, there would be an 'Alternate' universe where the future version existed, as well as her past self, and a 'Prime' universe where she cast the spell... and was never seen again. For this reason, the first method of time travel is much, much, much more common. After all, in regards to the second, the 'unsafe' method, once it is cast, what everyone else sees is someone spontaneously ceasing to exist. Few are foolish enough to try it for themselves, after seeing a friend or loved one wink out of existence.

Thus, there are typically only three times when the second type of time travel occurs: One, when someone tests a time travel spell. Two, when someone uses this spell on something, thinking it to be a disintegration spell (a few civilizations have spawned billions of alternate universes, thinking that the time travel spell was a disintegrator. It can be rather sad to find out that your particular alternate universe came into being because someone was just too lazy to take out the trash one morning). And three...

The third is when a series of natural and supernatural phenomena collide in order to create a momentary rift in the space-time continuum. This typically involves incredibly powerful energies, like nuclear power, gravitational distortions, or the power of love.

It is said that love conquers all. This is quite true: The magical energy of love is capable of ignoring all manner of factors, including time and space. Love laughs at mere distance, and farts in the general direction of such a meager concept as years, or even decades. That is simply how love rolls... and if you try to question it, love will mare-slap you for talking back to it.

So, when a changeling, prowling the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the library in Canterlot Castle, was struck by the love sphere of doom while standing in the exact spot where Twilight Sparkle had cast her own time spell weeks earlier, he was ejected, not from the castle, but from our timeline as we know it. He was hurled through a temporal rift, from the modern age to a time one thousand years ago, when Equestria was a wild and dangerous place, and a great many terrors threatened the land.

And within thirty seconds of Pandinus Imperator's spectacular arrival in the past, there was one less terror to be found, and the world was no worse for it.
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Atop the Crystal Palace, the Crystal Heart sat within its hiding place. King Sombra had placed the royal relic here in order to keep it from being found by his subjects/victims. While the equine sorcerer possessed the means of defending himself from the relic's power, it was best not to take any chances in it falling back into the hooves of his subjects, since it took a great deal of strength to endure the relic's power, and if the Crystal Ponies ever found a way to amplify its power further, Sombra might not have been able to withstand it. The tyrant had gone to spectacular lengths to ensure the heart's protection...

...But few spells are able to survive the destruction of the caster.

Upon the death of King Sombra, the relic promptly fell from its perch, and bounced. Once, twice, thrice, then hurtled over the edge of the tower, down to where the utterly defeated sorcerer and the utterly confused changeling now sat, rendered near-invisible by the dust raised by their landing. The priceless artifact fell neatly into the changeling's lap.

...This would be the last time that pure, random chance would work completely in the changeling's favor. With this one absolutely random piece of luck, he was now officially overdrawn from the dumb luck bank, and would have to spend years paying back the balance. All good things that would follow would be due either to his own hard work and effort... or complete and total misunderstandings by himself and/or others...
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Pandinus Imperator (he would not object to being called 'Pan', although no one really called him anything that could be repeated in polite company. Not even changeling polite company) looked down in horror at the wreckage of what was once a pony. Normally, he would hesitate to use that term, but in this case, 'wreckage' was the appropriate word: The poor unfortunate beneath him had shattered like fine china, and now lay in pieces. More startling, however, was the realization that he had just annihilated someone of great importance: How else would you explain the crown and regal robes amongst the fragments of pony on the ground? Pan had the feeling that he had just landed, literally, in more trouble than any changeling had any right to be in.

The changeling's impact had raised a huge cloud of dust that was finally clearing. Pan's desperate hope that no one had noticed his accidental smashsassination (if that wasn't a word, it soon would be, since that was exactly what had just happened) of this VIP was unnoticed was promptly dashed by the dozens, neigh, hundreds, of ponies suddenly surrounding him.

The ponies around him looked... sad. Depressed, morose, utterly down-trodden. It probably had a lot to do with the slaver's chains and manacles around their necks and legs. But... that made no sense. There was no slavery in Equestria, so far as he knew. In fact, there had not been a single documented case of slavery for centuries...

...Not since...

One of the ponies spoke, his eyes wide in shock. "King Sombra," he said, his voice trembling in disbelief, "is dead..." A king? Pan had just offed a freakin' KING!?!

...Pan was so beyond dead.

Before Pan could say anything, offer an explanation or apology, or maybe just point and shout, "Oh my goodness, what is that!" and leg it, the ponies began cheering, many of them bursting into joyous tears. It seemed that the king might not have been that popular...

As if by magic, the chains and manacles that bound the ponies were falling off, disintegrating before the heavy steel could even hit the ground. The ponies began capering about, cheering wildly, clearly glad to be rid of their heavy bindings. As the equines celebrated, Pan looked around for the first time, and took in his surroundings...

This city had clearly seen better days. There were signs that this place had once been a paradise, but the realm was now covered with grime and dirt. Worse, the buildings, seemingly made of fine crystal, were peppered with jagged formations of an oily looking black mineral that hurt to look at for too long. It looked as though the city had been in a state of decline, and had been for a very long time... and yet...

As he watched, it seemed as though the buildings were... righting themselves. The strange substance was... evaporating. The dirt and grime remained, but that was nothing a good scrubbing couldn't fix...

But why? How? This made no sense...

Suddenly, he noticed a glow of brilliant blue. He looked down to see he was holding what seemed to be a heart, carved from crystal, radiating light with a steadily growing intensity. Something seemed to be happening here: There must have been some kind of link between the city, this heart, and these ponies...

One of the cavorting ponies suddenly turned and pointed right at Pan, then exclaimed, "Look! He holds the Crystal Heart!"

Suddenly, Pan found himself the center of attention. The ponies were now staring at him in awe. The silence that followed was... awkward. The changeling had never liked being the center of attention. After a moment, one of the ponies approached cautiously, then asked, his voice trembling, "Milord, might I please have the heart, so that it may be restored to its proper place?"

Without a word, the changeling hoofed over the object. Apparently, this big chunk of rock was a pretty big deal.

The pony took the heart, then quickly rushed over to someplace behind Pan. Turning his head around, Pan saw the pony place the Crystal Heart atop a pedestal beneath a massive crystalline formation, which upon further examination, the changeling realized was a palace. Pan could not help but think to himself, "How did I not see that earlier?"

The instant the strange hunk of crystal was placed upon the podium, the radiance seemed to intensify a thousand-fold. The crystalline structures that made up the city began to glow in response, and perhaps more spectacularly, so did the ponies themselves. Their bodies seemed to change, seeming to go from flesh and blood to some sort of crystal. The effect was... dazzling. And then suddenly, a massive rush of love energy filled Pan as well.

Oh no...

Every so often, a changeling is born with a 'defect'. Not a true disability like blindness, muteness, or the like, but simply something that normally does not happen with other changelings. In some of the high houses, like Pan's birthplace, House Scorpion, those defects can be much more common. The aristocracy had a much smaller gene pool, and allowed nobuggy from the commoner class to enter. This meant that some genetic conditions that were quite rare elsewhere would spring up three or four times a generation. Pan sometimes had privately wondered if this was why there were so many sociopaths in the aristocracy. Not all defects are physical, after all...

Some changelings could have more than one defect... like Pan did. Pan's main 'defect' was that, when he absorbed love energy, his entire body would glow a bright pastel blue. It was incredibly embarrassing, not to mention a terrible handicap for a changeling, since the glow actively prevented him from disguising himself. From what he understood, the glow was caused by a full body blush. He flushed involuntarily when love energy entered his body, and the glowing effect was brought about because some property in his blood made it glow all the time. In a normal changeling, either of those qualities could be managed: A blush didn't normally show through a disguise, and glowing blood was only a true problem if he sustained an injury. Combined, however, it meant that his body would immediately drop a disguise and shine bright blue when he absorbed love. Not a good thing to have happen if you were supposed to be an infiltrator.

That wasn't to mention the fact that Pan had a commoner's skill set of intensifying his physical attributes through love burning, instead of casting spells like every other aristo (Although Pan didn't really think of it as a defect: Mind magic freaked him right out, and even if he could cast those spells, he wouldn't have wanted to). That was why he'd been in the invasion force, rather than waiting with the other aristocrats: His family had literally disowned him and kicked him out into the army, considering him a lost cause. As if it was his fault that he was born that way...

Anyways, Pandinus Imperator was now mortified to find that he was glowing like a Hearth's Warming tree in full view of hundreds of ponies. Pan had expected laughter, but instead...

The ponies began kneeling. All of them. Even the little colts and fillies.

Pardon his Griffin, but... What the pluck?

Author's Note:

Pandinus Imperator, the Emperor Scorpion, is among the largest known species of scorpions in the world. Unlike many scorpions, its venom is no more toxic than a bee sting, and it prefers to instead use its powerful claws to take care of most threats. Like most scorpions, it glows a bright, pastel blue under UV lights. It is rather popular as a pet.

Oh, and as to the title of this chapter...