• Published 4th May 2014
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Twilight Gets Divorced - Blueshift



After only five minutes of marriage, Twilight comes to her senses and realises that Flash Sentry is actually really, really boring. It's time to lawyer up and get a divorce! Unfortunately, Fluttershy is her lawyer.

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Twilight Gets Divorced

“This is the best day of my life!” Twilight Sparkle giggled with glee as Flash Sentry briefly hefted her up in his forehooves, standing on his hind legs to stagger over the threshold to their room before dropping her on the ground.

Twilight tumbled in a flurry of white lace as her wedding dress spilled onto the floor. She rolled onto her back, smiling up at her new husband. “Oh, Flash!” she cooed, pressing her hooves to her mouth in barely repressed joy. “This was such a perfect day, and now we’re together forever!” She slowly climbed back to her feet and slumped into a nearby sofa, sprawling out luxuriously. “I know it was a whirlwind romance, but you can just recognise true love, you know!”

“Haha, yeah.” Flash Sentry stood by the door, ruffling his mane back awkwardly.

Twilight sighed with happiness. “I never thought it would be me – me of all ponies – who would get married first in my group of friends! They’re all so jealous! But now it’s you and me, and we have so much to do together! Just you and me!”

“Haha, yeah.” Flash Sentry gave a wide grin but little else. He stayed by the door.

Pulling her tiara off, Twilight shook her mane free. “We can go on trips, like married couples do! We can go to all the rare libraries! Wow!” She paused for a moment, catching her breath. “You know, I never asked, who’s your favourite writer?”

Flash Sentry just shrugged. “Eh.”

“Oh.” Twilight frowned. “Your favourite book?”

“I don’t really like reading. Not my thing,” Flash Sentry mumbled before sinking into silence.

“W-well…” Twilight stammered, looking at her husband wide-eyed. “I-I’m sure we can change that! I mean, this is true love, after all! We have a lifetime of self-improvement!” She rolled her eyes. “Wow, you know, I don’t even know what you do like! I guess I was just too caught up in our beautiful romance! Tell me more about yourself!” She patted the sofa next to her invitingly.

Flash Sentry kept standing by the door. “Oh. I don’t really have any hobbies. Sorry.” He thought about this for a moment. “Sometimes I like drinking and watching football, but that’s it. I don’t really do anything.” His eyes brightened suddenly. “I do like guarding doors though!”

“Oh.” Twilight frowned again, a slightly deeper frown this time. “Do you want to, uh, sit with me?”

“No, I’m happy by the door.”

Silence descended on the room as the two stared at each other. Finally Twilight piped up. “H-hey, did you hear about that great new play they’re putting on? ‘Big Macbeth’, it’s called, it sounds hilarious! Do you want to go see it?”

“Not really.” Flash Sentry shrugged with disinterest. “I don’t like plays.”

“Oh.” Once more, silence filled the air of the honeymoon suite. Twilight tried again. “But we’re going to have such a magical life together, me and you! I’ve made so many lists about stuff we can do! I bet you’re excited as well!”

“Yeah.” Flash Sentry nodded politely at his post by the door.

Twilight tilted her head suspiciously. “Name one thing you think we should do together . Anything you like.”

Flash Sentry shook his head gently. “Whatever. I don’t mind.”

“Okay. Wow.” Twilight pressed her forehooves together thoughtfully. In retrospect, it had been a very whirlwind romance. “Look, here’s what we’re going to do…”



***



“Yeah, I’m getting a divorce.” Twilight smiled brightly at her five friends who all turned at one with a look of sheer bewilderment etched on their faces. From downstairs, the echoing noise of the remains of the wedding reception could still be heard.

“Twilight!” Rarity’s eyes boggled. “I’m not even out of my bridesmaid dress and you’re telling us this? What happened?”

Twilight grimaced, scratching the back of her head and trying not to make eye contact. “You were all right. It was too soon. He’s just… really boring. Really, really boring. I don’t think he even has a personality at all!”

“Ah knew it!” Applejack snapped, waving an accusing hoof. “Ah told you there ain’t no thing as ‘love at first sight’, but you all just said Ah was apple-jealous.” She paused. “Well, Ah was apple-jealous too, but still!”

“But you can’t get divorced! You can’t!” Rarity leapt at Twilight, shaking her hard by the shoulders. “Twilight, you were wearing one of my dresses! Everyone will think I make cursed dresses if they see you getting divorced five minutes after you got married in one of my designs! I’ll be ruined! Ruined!” She broke away and fluttered her eyelashes. “Can’t you just give it a go? Just for me?”

Twilight shook her head. “No! I can’t take another minute of standing in a room with him! We have nothing to say to each other, it’s so quiet! He just sits by his door saying ‘yeah’ to everything!” She grimaced, slumping to the floor and placing her head in her hooves. “We had lots to talk about when we were dating and planning our marriage, but really all we said was how much we loved each other and wedding arrangements. We… have nothing in common! Less than that! He doesn’t even read!”

“Divorce, eh?” Rainbow Dash looked up briefly from her plate of nibbles salvaged from the buffet table. “You’d better get lawyered up!”

“What?” Twilight tutted loudly at her friend. “Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t need a lawyer!”

“Yeah!” Pinkie squeaked. “She doesn’t need a lawyer because she signed a pre-nup! Twilight’s not a complete idiot!”

“Yeah, I’m…” Twilight frowned. “What? No, I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement, Pinkie Pie! Those things are about distrust and suspicion! I don’t need one of those, Flash Sentry may be boring, but he’s a nice enough pony, I’m sure our separation will be easy and amicable.”

“Wow. Get a lawyer.” Pinkie Pie glared at Twilight as if she had committed some unspeakable crime. “He’s gonna clean you out, and that’s a Pinkie Promise!”

“I’m a lawyer!” Fluttershy whispered, raising a nervous hoof.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Pinkie! You’re being paranoid. That sort of thing doesn’t really happen, just in the theatre! Besides, we’ve only been married five minutes!”

“It does happen!” Applejack nodded assertively with all the years of apple-wisdom she could muster. “The courts go down heavily on divorce, Twilight, it’s the ultimate rejection of friendship! Y’all could end up payin’ him alimony forever!”

“Forever!” Pinkie gasped. “Twilight, get a lawyer!”

“I’m a lawyer!” Fluttershy waved her hoof above her head.

“I don’t need a lawyer!” Twilight snapped. “Maybe less civilised, greedy ponies want to drag these things through the courts, but Flash Sentry and I aren’t like that! He seemed happy earlier when we talked about it, I am one hundred percent convinced that we can sort this out without involving anyone of the legal profession!”

“Is that him there?” Rainbow Dash peered out of the window onto the Canterlot streets below. “Look, it is! He’s heading right to Silver Tongue’s office!”

“Silver Tongue?” Rarity gasped. “He’s the best lawyer in all Equestria! Do you remember when Sneaky Thief got caught trying to steal the Equestrian Crown Jewels? He was caught in the treasure chamber with the royal crown in his hooves, a carefully written and signed plan of how he was going to carry it out in his saddlebag, and he said “Yes, it’s me, I tried to steal the jewels” when they got him. Silver Tongue not only got him off scot-free, but made Princess Celestia pay him thousands of bits in compensation because he got a splinter when he kicked open the royal treasure chest!”

Twilight pushed Rainbow Dash out of the way to stare out of the window herself. “Celestia… dammit…” she hissed through gritted teeth as she watched her new husband vanish into the office of the greatest legal mind to ever live.

“Twilight, get a lawyer!” Rarity patted Twilight on the back with a twinge of pity. “Please.”

“I’m a lawyer!” Fluttershy tried raising her voice slightly. No-one noticed.

Twilight closed her eyes momentarily to abate the throbbing in her head. “Oh heck. But they’re so expensive, and he’s already grabbed the best!

“I’ll do it!” Rainbow Dash swayed giddily as she felt her destiny approach. “I love those Phoenix Write boardgames! I’ll be the best lawyer ever! Objection!” She raised a hoof, puffing out her chest. “Objection!” she shouted, slightly louder. “Yeah! That jerk won’t stand a chance!”

Rarity gently shuffled Rainbow Dash as far away from Twilight as she could manage. “As much as I’m sure a game has properly trained you for the rigours of the legal profession, “ she began, diplomatically, “unfortunately they will only let properly trained lawyers appear in the Canterlot Courts. You need a certificate, dear. It’s a shame, because otherwise Twilight would have been delighted to have you, isn’t’ that right?”

Twilight simply grimaced, her face paling as every single disaster scenario ran through her mind. “I’ll be ruined if I lose this! And I can’t afford a better lawyer because that will cost more than if I lose! I’m doomed both ways! What’ll I do?”

“I’m a lawyer!” Fluttershy desperately whispered, rearing onto her hind legs and flailing her hooves in the air. “I’ve got a certificate and everything!”

This time everyone stopped to look at her.

“A… lawyer?” Twilight frowned. “Are.. are you sure?”

“Yes!” Fluttershy nodded firmly. “I took a course years ago because I thought it would be a good way to help the less fortunate who couldn’t afford an expensive lawyer. I don’t do it much, but I’m really good, I’ve never lost a case.”

“Huh…” Twilight started to stroke her chin. “Girls…” she muttered, leaning forwards in a conspiratorial whisper. “I think Fluttershy might be my ace in the hole! After all…” She broke away and gave a wide grin at Fluttershy, embracing the shocked pegasus in a massive hug. “Even the greatest legal minds are helpless against the unexpected power of friendship!”



***



The Canterlot High Court was buzzing with anticipation. If they had been allowed to sell tickets to attend the event, pretty much all of Canterlot’s financial woes would have been solved in one fell swoop. Ponies lined the public gallery. They squeezed into the courthouse corridors. They peered in through the windows. Several ambitious pegasi had tried to push some clouds into the courtroom to sit above the gathering until they were escorted out by guards for fear of an accidental deluge.

Twilight sat next to Fluttershy at one of the tables that lay positioned before the judge’s bench, licking her lips nervously and trying not to think of all the ponies who had turned up to gawp. Beads of sweat started to prick at her forehead and she kept having to reach for the jug of water that the court had kindly provided.

Fluttershy was oddly calm and collected, sitting with her hooves resting on an unfeasibly large leather-clad law book. To Twilight’s mild surprise it seemed that Fluttershy actually knew what she was doing. A hush began to descend amongst the crowd as the judge and court officials started to file in and take their places.

“I can’t believe this!” Twilight hissed at Fluttershy, leaning in close. “I mean, I didn’t think there’d be anything to sort out! I thought he would be fine with it!”

Fluttershy shook her head sadly. “Oh, Twilight,” she frowned, patting the cover of her law book. “It’s what they say on the first page – when a relationship goes sour, the knives come out. Not literally though! I hope!”

Twilight’s face fell as she saw Flash Sentry and his lawyer enter the court room and take their place at the other front-facing table. She tried to wave to Flash, to get his attention in any way, but Silver Tongue blocked his view, shaking his head sternly. Silver Tongue looked every bit the top lawyer, dressed in a sharp grey suit with slicked back mane and a pair of glasses that he could peer over and tut disapprovingly with. Fluttershy was… Fluttershy. But that was her advantage. Years of reading had hammered home the simple truth that the plucky underdog always beat the sleek corporate machine. There were no exceptions.

Silver Tongue turned to smile at Twilight. It wasn’t a particularly friendly smile though, more the sort of smile a shark gave to the small fish it was about to gobble up. He trotted coolly across the court room to face Fluttershy and looked her up and down, dismissively. “Hmm,” he sneered. “I think you’ll find that my client has this case sewn up, but let the best lawyer win.” He held out a hoof.

Fluttershy stared at the hoof, and shuffled backwards in her seat. “O-oh no, I hope not!” she gasped. “I want to win!”

Silver Tongue baulked, but quickly regained his composure, taking out a scrap of paper, scrawling something on it and pushing it over to Fluttershy. “Here’s our offer. Accept it, and we can end the case now. It’s the best deal you’ll get.”

Fluttershy took the paper and peered inside, shielding it from view. Twilight bobbed her head from side to side, struggling to see what was inside. Fluttershy just made serious ‘hmm’ing noises.

“Fluttershy!” Twilight whispered urgently. “Let’s see!”

Fluttershy turned the paper in Twilight’s direction and slowly opened it, revealing the offer. ‘100%’. Fluttershy nodded. “It’s a good offer, Twilight! You should take it!”

“What? No!” Twilight looked at Fluttershy aghast. “No, Fluttershy, one hundred percent means I give him everything! I… I think we can be a bit more ambitious than ‘lose totally’.”

“But… but…” Fluttershy floundered slightly. “But then we could just go home and not have to do any of this scary court stuff and…” She gave up as Twilight glared at her, folded the paper back and passed it across to Silver Tongue. “Sorry,” she said, shoulders slumped.

Silver Tongue just smiled and walked back to his table.

“Order in the court! Order!”

All eyes turned to the front as Judge Forthright slammed his gavel down on his platform. Twilight took a deep breath. Judge Forthright was one of the chief justices of Equestria, but more importantly, a good friend of Princess Celestia’s. He was loyal and dedicated entirely to fairness and justice for all. It could only be a good sign for her.

“We need to hope that the judge is on our side,” Fluttershy leaned in to Twilight, patting her book. “I’ve been in loads of courts, none as big as this but the principle’s the same. The law is one thing, but really it’s all down to the interpretation of the judge.”

“Silence!” Judge Forthright boomed at Fluttershy, who leapt into the air with a squeak. He slammed his gavel again, the sound echoing around the now eerily quiet room. “Gathered ponies, we meet here today to judge and cast our decision on the case of Princess Twilight Sparkle vs Flash Sentry.” He paused, mouth curling into a grimace as if he had just eaten a lemon. “A divorce case. Let the records show that this divorce was instigated by Princess Sparkle. As we all know, marriage is a sacred bond that should not be taken lightly. To break this is the ultimate betrayal of friendship. Equestrian law looks very sternly indeed on those who would treat marriage so casually and throw away the greatest friendship of all. Very sternly indeed!”

He focussed his full gaze on Twilight, eyes narrowing to a slit. “And especially when one of the ponies involved is a role model for young fillies everywhere! Terrible, terrible behaviour!”

“I don’t think he’s on our side,” Fluttershy whispered, slightly unhelpfully.

Judge Forthright smacked his gavel down again. He seemed to like that. He turned to the midnight blue pony sitting to his right who was crouched over a pile of official scrolls. “Clerk of the court, can you confirm that both the plaintiffs' lawyers are properly accredited in law?”

“I can,” the clerk nodded.

Twilight sunk back into her seat. Part of her had thought that they wouldn’t even get past this stage, but no, it seemed that Fluttershy really was a proper lawyer. It was a minor miracle. She might need some more of those before the day was out.

“Very well then!” The judge nodded to Silver Tongue and gave a friendly smile. “I call the council for the prosecution – sorry, I mean the respondent – to make his opening statement.”

“Thank you, your honour!” Silver Tongue stood up and moved to the front of the court, turning to face the crowd of expectant faces.

“Hah,” Twilight muttered under her breath. “That flashy lawyer’s got no chance! We’re the underdogs in this!”

“Fillies and gentlecolts!” Silver Tongue began, clutching his lapels. “I come here to tell you a torrid tale of woe and betrayal, perpetuated by none other than our once-beloved princess! A princess who lives in the lap of luxury, taking advantage of a poor guardspony! A princess who has no concern for the sanctity of marriage, and would throw it away after just five minutes! Twilight Sparkle is a princess with the power of a god! My client is just a simple, hard-working guardspony. A true underdog!”

“Celestia dammit!” Twilight hissed.

“Furthermore,” Silver Tongue continued, “in this case, this clearly cut-and-dried case, I will prove the devastating effect this business has had on my client, something that would not have happened had Princess Sparkle not been so cruel and uncaring. I hope the court will agree with me that a princess should be an exemplar for all, and any transgressions should be severely dealt with as a sharp warning! To this end, I aim to argue that my client should receive two hundred percent of all of Princess Sparkle’s current and future assets in order to keep him in the lifestyle he has become accustomed to!”

“Thank you,” the judge nodded. “Very eloquent.” He wiped a single tear from his cheek.

“Two hundred percent?” Twilight’s mouth gaped open. “B-but that’s not even possible! What’s he playing at?”

“Don’t worry!” Fluttershy opened her law book and started to trace her hoof over the index. “They always start with a really unreasonable demand so they can look reasonable when they go down to what they actually want. I’m sure I can talk him down to just fifty percent of your current and future assets!”

“No! No! Talk him down to nothing!” Twilight started to shake, gripping the seat of her chair. “Why would he get anything?”

“Now, would the Council for the Petitioner care to make an opening statement?” The judge turned to Fluttershy, who gave a small start, hopping to her feet and nervously trotting to the front of the court.

“Go get ‘em!” Twilight called after her. This was the moment when Fluttershy would leap out of her shell and demolish that smug elitist lawyer. Money might buy skill, but you could never beat friendship.

Fluttershy turned around to see hundreds upon hundreds of faces looking back at her. She gulped hard, swaying from side to side. “W-well,” she squeaked, looking down at the floor so she didn’t have to make eye contact with anyone. “I… uh… well… Twilight’s nice…” She started to trail off into a whisper, wiping the sweat from her forehead. “And like… see… I like her…” She glanced up at the judge and then quickly turned her head away in terror. “So uh… yeah,” she finished lamely.

“Thank you,” Judge Forthright said icily as a shame-faced Fluttershy trotted back to her seat.

“W-was that okay?” Fluttershy whispered to Twilight.

Twilight just stared in horror. “Y-you have done this before, right?”

“O-oh, yeah, of course,” Fluttershy nodded. “I mean, not in as big a court rooms, but…” she descended into a mumble. “Don’t worry,” she added, “once I get into it, it’ll be fine.”

“If the Council for the Respondent would like to start their presentation?” The judge nodded politely to Silver Tongue, who took to the front of the court again like he was born to it.

“Thank you, my honourable lord,” Silver Tongue bowed gracefully in the direction of the judge. “As my first witness, I would like to call the noble guardspony, Flash Sentry!”

“Oh wow, we can call witnesses?” Fluttershy gasped, leafing frantically through her law book. Twilight tightened the grip on her chair.

Flash Sentry moved through the court to take up the stand at the witness podium. For the first time, Twilight realised he was dressed in his full guards regalia, chest pinned full of medals. He seemed very brave and handsome, which, she reflected, was probably half the problem to begin with.

“So, Flash Sentry,” Silver Tongue began, pacing up and down the courtroom floor. “Would you say that you were in love with Princess Sparkle?”

“Oh yes,” Flash Sentry nodded. “I loved her so much.” He peered down, a small cue-card rising into view clutched in one of his hooves. “I am but a humble guardspony,” he began hesitantly. “I was born into poverty and unused to lux-luxury. My only loves were my country, my princess and my elderly mother whom I d-dote on.”

A collective sigh permeated the room. Someone muttered: “He’s so lovely!”

“…And Flash Sentry,” Silver Tongue continued. “When Princess Sparkle asked you to marry her, what were your feelings?”

“Oh, I was so happy,” Flash Sentry nodded, looking at every spot in the court room apart from the direction of Twilight. “It was the happiest day of my life. The princess was so beautiful.” He gave a large, deliberate sniff and wiped his cheek as if to knock away a tear. “B-but she used me. She discarded me like a toy the moment she was finished with me.”

“That’s a half-truth!” Twilight cried, leaping to her feet.

This was met with a furious banging of the gavel from the judge. “Silence!” he roared. “You may not talk in court, Princess Sparkle! As per regulations, any communication must be via your lawyer!”

Twilight nudged Fluttershy hard in the ribs. “Object!” she hissed urgently. “He’s twisting it, making a fool out of me!”

“I dunno….” Fluttershy hugged herself, and started to rock back in her chair. “M-maybe later…”

Silver Tongue started to pace up and down the court room even faster now. “So Princess Sparkle plucked you from your world and then threw you away once she was bored,” he announced, turning as if to address every single pony in the room personally. “Destroying you emotionally! But what about your career, Flash Sentry? Did she destroy that too?”

Flash Sentry nodded. “How can I guard my door in the palace when I have been spurned and humiliated by the Princess?” He dropped his head, a genuine sigh of despair coming out. “She never even gave me a chance.”

“O-objection.” Fluttershy whispered, so quietly that not even Twilight could hear it. She raised her hoof about an inch from the table surface, and then gave up. “Oh well, I tried,” she said apologetically to Twilight.

“Terrible, terrible!” Silver Tongue raised his voice dramatically. “And tell us, Flash Sentry, is Princess Sparkle in this room right now?”

“Yes!” Flash Sentry nodded firmly. “Yes she is!”

Silver Tongue rose himself up to his full height. “And can you point her out?”

“THERE!” Flash Sentry yelled, sweeping round his hoof to point directly at Twilight. “THERE SHE IS! THAT’S HER!”

The court burst into a babble of voices at this dramatic ‘revelation’. Someone screamed.

“Order! Order!” The judge banged his gavel again as the noise died down. “Please continue.”

“No further questions, your honour,” Silver Tongue said sweetly. “I think that is damning enough, don’t you?”

“Quite.” The judge turned to Fluttershy. “Council for the Petitioner, do you wish to cross-examine the witness?”

“Oh. Uh…” Fluttershy looked startled, flicking through her book furiously before leaping to her hooves and trotting forward. She swallowed hard, turning in the direction of Flash Sentry. “U-uh hi.”

Flash Sentry stared at Fluttershy quizzically. “Hi?” he repeated, uncertainly.

Fluttershy sunk back, pressing herself into the floor. “A-are you having a nice day?”

Flash Sentry shrugged. “Not really.”

“O-okay.” Fluttershy looked back to the judge. “N-no further questions, your honour.”

“No!” Twilight rose up but was immediately forced back down by the frenzied smashing of the gavel. She glowered at Fluttershy who slunk back to take her seat. “Fluttershy!” she yelped. “What are you doing?”

Fluttershy covered her face with her hooves. “Sorry, Twilight, this is harder than I remember!”

“For my next witness,” Silver Tongue stared straight at Twilight, that killer grin back on his face. “I would like to call Princess Sparkle!” A gasp ran up and down the room.

“Fine!” Twilight eagerly leapt to her hooves and made her way to the podium. Finally a chance to speak and give her side of the story. She gripped the podium and gazed out over the assembled hordes of ponydom that had gathered there. There were rather a lot.

“Did you, Princess Sparkle,” Silver Tongue began, “take Flash Sentry as your lawful wedded husband? To have and to hold? In richer and poorer? In sickness and in health?”

Twilight frowned. “W-well, yes,” she stammered. “I get what you're trying to do here. But see, this is all a big misunderstanding. I think I just got a bit carried away; that happens, right?” She looked up at the judge to give him a little smile. It was not reciprocated. “I-I mean I thought I liked him but it was just infatuation. We don’t have anything in common, and uh, it’s not like we’ve been married for long, right? It doesn’t really count!”

“Marriage. Doesn’t. Really. Count.” Silver Tongue span from Twilight to the audience, clearly enunciating each word. “Thank you, Princess Sparkle. No further questions, your honour.”

“Wait, what?” Twilight started in shock. “No, I’ve got loads to say!”

She was cut off by the judge’s gavel. “The witness may only answer questions put to them by the court,” Judge Forthright snapped. “Anything else, and you will be held in contempt of court. Your lawyer may ask her questions now.”

Twilight glared at Fluttershy, who yelped and buried herself into her chair. “Fluttershy!” she hissed, gesticulating wildly in a cunning attempt to mime some insightful questions. “Ask me something!”

“Oh! I…” Fluttershy stared at Twilight, frowning at the motions she was making. “Um…” she looked between Twilight and the judge before sinking back down. “N-no further questions your honour.”

Twilight head-desked into the podium.

“Sorry,” Fluttershy squeaked meekly as Twilight returned to her seat. “B-but this isn’t the important bit, I promise. I’ve done this before, I’ve been trained!”

“Have you?” Twilight snapped. “Have you really, Fluttershy? Who trained you, the opposing side?” She shook a hoof at Silver Tongue, who just waved merrily back at her across the court. “Let’s see this book!”

Twilight reached out for the law book, but Fluttershy slapped her hoof away in an uncharacteristic show of bravado. “No!” she gasped. “S-sorry, Twilight, but I don’t like non-lawyers looking at my law book, they might misunderstand the technical bits.”

“Not stopping you!” Twilight grumbled, sinking back down. “Fluttershy, you’ve got to be more aggressive, they’re walking all over us!”

“…And for my final witness!” Silver Tongue smugly took his place back at the front of the court. “I would like to call upon…” He gave a dramatic pause. “Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!”

The courtroom started to buzz with anticipation as the doors opened, and a regal pink alicorn began to make her way to the front.

“Oh, brilliant!” Twilight gave a sigh of relief, waving to the princess as she passed. “It’s Cadance! Fluttershy, I’m saved! This fancy lawyer obviously doesn’t know what great friends we are! This’ll turn the tides in my favour!”

“Princess.” Silver Tongue began, a twinkle in his eye. “You are indeed, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, correct? Princess of Love? Would that include guardian of marriage?”

“Well, yes…” Cadance nodded in response. “But…”

“Please tell us, Princess, about the sanctity of marriage.”

“Well…” Cadance paused, thinking about this. “It is the ultimate union between ponies, an expression of friendship and love that transcends all time. The greatest bond one can make.”

“Interesting!” Silver Tongue exclaimed in an exaggerated fashion. “Please explain to the court how one would go into such arrangement. Is it a hasty decision?”

“No!” Cadance furrowed her brow, looking across the courtroom and giving a shrug in the direction of Twilight. “I mean, it should be a very solemn decision, undertaken after much heart searching between two ponies who love each other dearly. But so-”

“I see!” Silver Tongue deftly cut across her. “And finally…” he stroked his chin. “You’re married to a guardspony, right? How difficult is it for a princess to marry a soldier?”

“Well…” Cadance faltered. “Shining Armour and I love each other very dearly. We have so much in common and I couldn’t imagine a life without him, but – ”

“To sum up!” Silver Tongue turned triumphantly around. “It is not impossible for a princess to have interests in common with a humble guard pony. Unless, of course, she thought it was beneath her!” He grinned widely in Twilight’s direction. “Thank you, no further questions, your honour.”

“But!” Cadance cried out.

“No further questions!” Silver Tongue bowed to the judge and returned to his seat.

“And the Council for the Petitioner?” The judge swivelled his chair to face Fluttershy. “Do you wish to cross-examine the witness?”

Twilight nudged Fluttershy very hard. “Do it!” she cried into Fluttershy’s ear. “This is our big chance, Fluttershy! I believe in you!”

Fluttershy stood, looking up at Cadance, licking her dry lips. “H-hi,” she quavered, sides starting to shake like jelly. “U-um….” She paused, falling into an awkward silence. “Um. Um. D-did you have a nice weekend?”

“Well, yes…” Cadance answered, looking at Fluttershy in confusion.

“Okay,” Fluttershy’s voice fell to a whisper, and she sunk down. “N-no further questions, your honour.”

Twilight clutched her head, rocking back and forth. “No! No! No!” she muttered frantically. “This can’t be happening!”

Judge Forthright studied at his notes. “And I see that the Council for the Petitioner has not applied for any witnesses, so we shall adjourn for a short break while I think about the case and make an initial decision.”

“I’m sorry!” Fluttershy turned her head to avoid having to look at Twilight, covering her head as if she was about to be struck down at any moment. “I didn’t know we could do witnesses!”

Twilight whimpered in frustration. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Silver Tongue and Flash Sentry having an urgent argument about something. Someone approached Silver Tongue with a scrap of paper and he began to get very agitated indeed, throwing furtive glances over at Twilight. Then he started to march over.

“What sort of game are you playing?” Silver Tongue yelled at Fluttershy, slamming his hoof down on her law book.

Fluttershy shrank back with a squeak. “I-I’m not playing a game!” she whined. “I’m a lawyer!”

“I know!” Silver Tongue snarled slightly. “My people have been combing the records for you, but can’t find anything! Yet you’ve passed the court checks, so you must be practicing somewhere!” He swivelled his head sharply in the direction of Twilight. “Who is this that you employed? Is she some fancy lawyer trained abroad? You think you can beat us on some strange technicalities?”

“I, uh…what?” Twilight started, confused. “No, she’s a friend!”

“My, uh, cases are very…” Fluttershy sought for a word. “Niche.”

“Ah, an expert in Alicorn Law, are you?” Silver Tongue wrinkled his nose. “Well, don’t think I don’t know what your little plan is! You’re letting me walk all over you. Why?” He jabbed his hoof down again. “Because you’re hiding something! You don’t mind if we take your client for all she’s worth, because you’ve got something else stashed away that you hope the judge doesn’t realise, but it won’t work! When I’m finished with you, my client will own everything!”

He turned smartly and marched back to his table. Fluttershy just shrugged. “I have no idea what that was about,” she mumbled, dejectedly. Then, as Silver Tongue was out of earshot, a smile crept across her lips. “But I do have a plan!”

“A plan!” Twilight clapped her hooves together. “I knew it! I knew you wouldn’t let me down! I can’t wait to see the look on his face when you use your legal skills to totally humil – ” She stopped talking as the judge returned to his seat and smacked the gavel down. He obviously loved that gavel.

“Order! Order!” Judge Forthright addressed the court, hoping no-one would notice the coffee stain that had appeared on his robes during the break. “The court is back in session. Now…” He peered down at his notes. “We have heard the broad overview of the case, and it is time for the finer points to be discussed. Whilst I have great sympathy for the plight of poor Flash Sentry against the cruel, unkind Princess Twilight Sparkle, I cannot in good faith award him two hundred percent of all of Princess Sparkle’s earnings. I feel that fifty percent of Princess Sparkle’s current income and assets now and in perpetuity is fair.”

“What! How?” Twilight almost leapt up, but was stopped by the steely gaze of the judge. She sank back down again.

“No, trust me!” Fluttershy whispered with a wink, and then stood up. “Your honour! A quick word in private, if I may!” At the nod of the judge, she strode across the court and began to whisper in his ear. They both looked across the room at Silver Tongue, motioning for him to come over.

The court began to mumble with disgruntlement as the two lawyers and the judge carried on their quiet meeting, with exciting-looking gesticulations that were frustratingly meaningless. Finally, Fluttershy broke away, returning to her seat with a very smug look on her face.

“I think,” she said with a wide grin, “that you’ll be very happy with this!”

“Oh boy!” Twilight punched the air. “You did it, Fluttershy? You did, didn’t you!”

“Order!” Judge Forthright cracked his gavel down. “After some last minute negotiations with the two legal councils, I have decided to change my ruling.”

Twilight’s smile got bigger.

“The Respondent, Flash Sentry, will now receive sixty percent of Princess Sparkle’s income and assets in perpetuity.”

Twilight continued to smile. It was a frozen smile, more because she was suddenly unable to move any part of her body through shock. “W-what…” she managed to finally get out.

“No, don't worry, I got you a deal!” Fluttershy patted Twilight on the shoulder.

“In return,” Judge Forthright continued. “Princess Sparkle is to have first pick of…” his face frowned, as if recounting something he wasn’t quite sure of “…migration routes across all of Equestria, and can keep any branches she finds, provided they are to be used solely for the purpose of nest building.”

Fluttershy leaned into Twilight. “The migration routes are the important thing,” she said, matter-of-factly.

Twilight started to twitch. “What. The. Hay.”

Fluttershy raised a hoof. “Oh, and um…”

“Yes.” The judge grimaced as he read his notes. “Also, Princess Sparkle gets to keep all insects and worms she might find in a fifty mile radius of Ponyville for her own personal consumption.”

At this ruling, the court burst into a babble of voices. High above in the public viewing gallery, Applejack turned to Rainbow Dash. “That Twilight gets stranger an’ stranger, but…” She shrugged. “Ah’m not actually that surprised.”

“Let me look at that book!” Twilight lunged across Fluttershy who cried out in panic, trying to protect her law book but failing as Twilight snatched it into her hooves. She slammed it shut and read the words on the cover, a deep sense of horror setting in. “Bird law?” she exclaimed, disbelievingly. “Bird law?” She turned to Fluttershy. “This is bird law!”

“It’s very similar!” Fluttershy squeaked back. “I mean, mostly.”

“Let’s see that certificate!” Twilight made another grab for Fluttershy’s lawyer certificate which had been resting face-down on the table. Against her friend’s protestations, she flipped it over. “It’s bird law!” She snarled. “Fluttershy, you’re a bird lawyer!”

“Birds need lawyers too!” Fluttershy’s bottom lip wobbled. “They have all sorts of problems! It works on the same principles!”

“But I’m not a bird!” Twilight wailed.

“You have wings and live in a tree!” Fluttershy’s face fell even further. “S-sorry, Twilight, I thought it was so similar I could do it, a-and you’d be so happy again!”

“Well,” Twilight gave a defeated slump. “At least I guess I’ve got all the insects I could ever want to eat now.”

“Silence! Silence! Silence!” The gavel came down and Judge Forthright stood up. “If there is nothing else to discuss in this case, then I declare – ”

“Wait!” Fluttershy’s eyes flew open and she grabbed her book, frantically leafing through the pages. “I forgot something! One last thing!”

The judge shook his head. “Very well, what is it this time?”

Twilight stared at Fluttershy. Was this some last minute twist of redemption? Was her friend about to pull victory from the jaws of defeat?

“Eggs.” Fluttershy said simply.

“Eggs?” The judge exclaimed.

“Eggs?” Silver Tongue frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, um…” Fluttershy looked back down at her bird law book. “I feel it is important at this late point just to clarify egg policy. You see, Flash Sentry is going to get sixty percent of Twilight’s assets, however I wish to assert that since eggs are already in the ovary since birth, and are laid even without the need for fertilisation, that any eggs Twilight lays are not part of this arrangement and so remain the properly of my client.”

“Oh for pity’s sake…” Twilight whimpered, rocking back and forth.

Judge Forthright was stunned into silence for a moment at Fluttershy’s words. He leaned towards his clerk. “Do, ah, alicorns lay eggs?” he asked.

“I uh, don’t know, sir,” the clerk replied. “I guess so?”

“Well… Anyway.” Judge Forthright shook his head slowly. “The legal principle is sound, so yes, any eggs that Princess Sparkle lays will remain her property”.

“Ah knew it!” Applejack whispered to Rainbow Dash.

“Please don’t do this to me,” Twilight hissed at Fluttershy, but Fluttershy had fully entered the bird lawyer zone.

“Don’t worry,” Fluttershy smiled sweetly. “I’ll protect your eggs, Twilight. That was one of the core messages in my lawyer training!”

Silver Tongue and Flash Sentry leaned in to exchange frantic words, the lawyer then leaping upwards. “Wait!” He cried. “I knew it! I knew you were hiding something, you sneaky mare! We want the eggs!”

“Well, you’re not getting them!” Fluttershy retorted. “I’ve outdone you!”

“No!” Silver Tongue shook his head. “These eggs are clearly worth more than a measly sixty percent! Does the court even know what alicorn eggs are? They could be gold, or magical! Does my client not deserve that too?”

“My decision remains,” Judge Forthright grumbled. “Princess Sparkle may keep any eggs she lays; they are her property and hers only.”

“I’ll do a deal!” Silver Tongue took a breath. “Princess Sparkle can keep her money and property, but my client gets fifty percent of any eggs she lays!”

“Never!” Fluttershy cried out loud. “Twilight’s nest is sacrosanct!”

“No! No! Do it!” Twilight nodded frantically at Fluttershy. When Fluttershy didn’t respond, she reached out to grab Fluttershy’s mane, yanking it down to force her to nod. “Look, she’s nodding! We’re taking the deal! Oh no, what will become of my eggs?”

Judge Forthright shook his head in disgust at the display, and turned to Silver Tongue. “Princess Sparkle will keep her wealth and property, but you get half of any eggs that she lays. Are you and your client happy with this?”

“Very!” Silver Tongue withdrew a bottle of champagne from beneath his table and popped the cork as the judge slammed the gavel one final time to adjourn the case. “Better luck next time,” he sneered at Fluttershy. “You’ll have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one over on me!”

Twilight collapsed into her chair in relief. “Wow. Just. Wow.” She breathed. “That was a thing. So uh, I definitely don’t have to pay him anything now?”

“No.” Fluttershy shook her head. “Just any eggs you lay. I’ll let the chickens know to produce another half dozen every month.” She shrugged. “Law. It’s a funny old thing.”

Author's Note:

Thanks to Filler for coming up with the lawyer name, and Midnight Shadow for the judge name.

Inspired mildly by Always Sunny in Philadelphia, though sadly Charlie never got to actually practice bird law in court.

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Comments ( 192 )
2D
2D #2 · May 4th, 2014 · · ·

4338591

Bacon

2D
2D #5 · May 4th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4338641

Tomato

2D
2D #7 · May 4th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4338660

America

ooooooh wiked sick burn innet m8

Well, that was a bit of the ol' wonderful, wasn't it?
At the very least, she wasn't practicing bovine law or something silly like that.

4338662
Earth.

sheeeeet u steamin nigga

2D
2D #10 · May 4th, 2014 · · 1 ·

4338672

Reality

oooooo yu just got ownd m8, u wanna dance bruv? innet

4338682
The Matrix.

y u still tryin? Cum at me m8 ill bash ur fukin ead in i swer on me mum

2D
2D #12 · May 4th, 2014 · · 2 ·

4338687

ThatonepopularVRMMORPGcalledSwordArtOnlinethatgotreallypopularandisreallygoodinmyamazingopinion

u avin a fuckin gigel m8? il tak u on rite now bruv, inneeeeeeett

I'm sorry gram-gram! I'm sorry! :raritycry:

4338702
Thatonehentaithatinvolvesaprepubescentboyactinglikealittlegirlthatthengetsfuckedbyguys.

chek urself befor u shrek urself

4338621 Is that a reaction to the story, or the comments?

2D
2D #16 · May 4th, 2014 · · 5 ·

4338715

Thatonehentaithatinvolvedababyrapingitsmotherbofeoreattemtpingtotakeoverhervag

ih3.redbubble.net/image.13515226.7909/fc,550x550,white.u2.jpg

Ah... I knew this scenario felt familiar. Sounds like Charlie work.

4338727
4338746

:twilightoops: Did my story just send you guys crazy or something?

2D
2D #21 · May 4th, 2014 · · ·

4338749

I saw... I saw the words "Flash Sentry"...

...there is no returning... no returning to who I once was.

Those words... they are madness.

I too worship the eldritch god Blu'Sha'Gotthax. :scootangel: The streets shall run red and the minds shall flow freely when he returns to bask ponyville in blue and shifts!

Those comments. I don't even know.

By the way, Fluttershy is best lawyer.

4338763

B-but his comment was actually related to the story.

I blame him too though. Constantly. For everything.

4338744

One day Charlie will get his moment to shine!

4338769
If Arcanium were an element, it would instantly kill everyone ever. This is why he is the root of all evil.

Chewbacca defense... works every time :twilightsmile:

Quite possibly the funniest story I've read on this site.

And THIS is how you write a good Flash Sentry crackfic. Thank you.

4338820

The Chewbacca defense frustrates me as he doesn't live on Endor! I bet the writers were kicking themselves after that!

4338840 No but that was the whole point, the defense itself is nonsense AS WELL as being totally unrelated.

Hilarious! A work of genius!

Comment posted by Twilight Best Pony deleted May 5th, 2014

Love it! Even if it's about Twilcorn! :heart:

Fluttershy is best lawyer

So every second perioud she gets, she'll have to somehow extract the discarded ovum out of ... well I assume she'd use tampons?

I think the 50% of all her stuff might have been kinder. To both parties.

4338941

N-no, that doesn't count as laying eggs :twilightoops:

She's going to post him chicken eggs. It's easier all round.

(Also in my headcanon, ponies have no orifices whatsoever. Just round and smooth like marshmallow). Not sure why there was a toilet in that one episode though.

That priest got his ships together. :rainbowlaugh:

Well, now that that happened...
derpicdn.net/img/2013/10/24/455279/medium.jpg

Featured that fast? Wow I am going to put this on my to read list.

OBJECTION! :flutterrage:

I mean, if that's okay with you... :fluttershysad:

What the actual fuck did I just read?

You write good actual comedies, Blueshift.

Not positive, but I think Rainbow Dash could have gotten her off scot-free.

Comment posted by Zurvan deleted May 5th, 2014

(one month later)

:twilightblush: *lays a golden egg* "well, sh#$"

I kept lolling at how useless Fluttershy is as a lawyer

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