• Member Since 18th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen Oct 19th, 2019

Maxojir


University student majoring in Micro/Cellular Biology. Set on applying to and attending Pharmacy School to earn my Pharm D. I author original works and fanfics in my free time.

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This is a story of mine that follows Lightning Dust through the devastating depression she's left in after her expulsion from WonderBolt Academy and having her dream crushed. Her emotional state is so bad she has to seek out treatment for her depression. She meets a young stallion pharmacist who can't help but admire her and feel empathetic to her state of being, and tries to help her as much as he can, even so far as when she finally decides to try and find a future for herself.

The cover art for this story is not a piece drawn by me, it was created by Xioade on DeviantArt, and he titled it "Now what . . . ?" All artistic credit for the cover art belongs to him.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 24 )

This is honestly really good, especially for a starting story. A tiny- and I mean tiny- bit more detail wouldn't have hurt, and I think you switched between tenses once, but aside from that, it's really damn good.

I shall read this later, my good fellow. :twilightsmile:

So lightning dust tries a little happy dust

I've got a few minor gripes that detract from an otherwise interesting story that really has a lot of potential if you can nail the presentation. I really love the idea, but there are a few things you need to address.

1. The phrasing is... awkward in parts. Consider your word order and your tense. Like this sentence:

Keto Profen had problem conditions of his own, anxiety issues in particular. His could get so bad to the point of making him feel ill, or just completely not right and uncomfortable like it was doing right now. He had medication of his own he frequently had to take, and that’s precisely what he does now.

Stuff like this is just awkward to read - the words don't fit the description. To feel "completely not right" is about the same as feeling "a little bit brilliant". It's not ungrammatical, but just awkward.

2. It's not really so much that there isn't enough description or detail as someone has already suggested, it's more that the description you do have in some parts doesn't really add anything to your story. To give an example:

“I was the best! I was the best flyer wherever I was! Always! I should have . . .” She isn’t even able to finish what she begins to attempt to rage out.

This is one of many examples of you stating the obvious after a character speaks. it has exactly the same effect as going:

"I am angry!" he said, angrily.

Description can be inferred from dialogue. To effectively duplicate what dialogue says in description just annoys readers.

Grammar seems alright. I didn't notice any glaring grammatical mistakes, but I was more preoccupied with the tenses and phrasing. If I were you, I'd stick with past tense for a story that focuses on third person description of emotions and characterisation. Present tense works better when you narrate from a first person perspective.


3. This sentence: "Lightning slightly relents her depressed glare."

I have major issues with the word "depressed" being used as an adjective in this way. A better word would be "despondent" or "distraught".

4. This sentence: "She mumbles or says something in a really low voice as she turns away."

Does she mumble it or say it? Ideally your narrator should know which.

4339282 Thankyou very much for saying so. Though I'm not particularly sure you mean by "starting story", as I've been writing off and on for almost five years like it says under my profile pic, so I assure this is by no means the first piece of literature I have ever written

VERY interesting story! Can't wait for more! Good work! :pinkiehappy:

This story has an interesting zest to it that I just can't put my finger on but I sure do like it. Keep Writing!

Bravo sir. Now give us more or prepare to be acquainted with the bottom of the river. Kidding. :D

Decided to read this story as well since I liked your other story so much. :twilightblush:

Lets just say... there's a reason it has a 15 16-0 thumbs up ratio in its favor. Another gold star from me; heck, I'll even through in the author follow, too! I like what you've got going here! :rainbowdetermined2:

Great work, man! That's twice I've stayed up late to read your fics! :derpytongue2:

4754235 Seriously? It can't have been that late this time, this only has three chapters. Regardless . . . :yay: I'm so happy ponies are really started to enjoy both of these.

Yeah, I'm pretty surprised by that ratio, actually :derpyderp1:. Though of course, now that I've said that I'm probably going to get my first thumbs down within 5 seconds of posting this reply.

But yeah, it's got that, and a lot of favorites. The only thing it's really missing is high view numbers, or a spot in the feature box on the main page. The 2nd would likely lead to the 1st also.

Hmmmmmm.
I shall follow this....do continue... :moustache:

Only a few spelling errors here and there; could use a bit of smoothing out, but overall? Pretty darn good! Well worth an upvote and following!

I found a typo,

“Ah-I obviously don't know what that's like, but . . . for the whole time it me to finally get here to my dream, all I ever did was doubt that I was ever going to make it. All six years of education. And even now . . . I still don't exactly have any confidence in myself and I come in here waiting to be fired every day.”

It should be, "for the whole time it took me to finally get here to my dream".

This has been a fun read so far. You are rather good at writing dialogue that sounds awkward for the characters, but easy for the reader. I don't know how but I really like it.

5812129 I can understand as much though. I don't meet what I've seemed to notice are the 3 main criteria for earning high view numbers.
1) Shipping any two members of the main six with each other.
2) Including the Princesses in the story in some way.
or
3) Making the story pornographic/clopfic.

#3 I refuse to ever do to any story altogether, and the other 2 simply don't happen to correspond to what any of my 3 current stories are about.
But all is well from my perspective, so long those who do read enjoy what I've written for them :)
Thank you for reading :D

5813693 I actually have a story containing one mane 6 with 32 likes on another super top secret™ acc (only thing I've written) and it has 3k words and it's written worse than this

Wow, you're on a roll this week, man! Hurricane Paradigm AND Drug Dust updates in one week? You're spoiling us! :twilightsheepish:

Gotta say that this is definitely the best Lightning Dust fanfic I've read. It deserves more attention than it gets. You've really done a great job with the characters! You can definitely see their progression through the story and how they've grown. I can't get enough of those two lovable ponies! :heart:

Great job, buddy! Awesome chapter! I did find an orphaned quotation mark somewhere back in the chapter, but I couldn't find it after I made it all the way down here, so I can't point you to where it is exactly. I think it was in one of LD's dialogue bits, though. Thanks for writing this chapter! It really made my day to see the update in my feed! :twilightsmile:

5867160

Well, honestly I was planning on having uploaded yet something else by now, but the site-downing slowed me up to an extent, as I typically write while having this site open in the background and randomly checking things from time to time.

but I should be uploading the 2nd chapter of my Changeling fic either tomorrow (today for me, since i'm not going to sleep tonight), or by Sunday.

Looking at the title of the story, I expected to read about Lightning Dust getting drugs on the street, or something like that. Instead, she's getting prescription drugs from the pharmaceutical pony version of Wilson Wilson.

I must admit, I'm enjoying what I've read so far, and I look forward to reading more.

I saw a few typographical errors that I've made when I wrote, like 'aobut' instead of 'about.' But, nothing so serious that it interfered with my enjoying the story. Keep up the good work.

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