Two Tiny Talks
“Wait.” Twilight Velvet set her teacup onto the table as gently as she could. “Official official?”
“Yes, Miss Velvet,” Celestia confirmed with a nod and the face she reserved for international politics. The last time she had to pull off this look was to defuse rising tensions between the Gryphons and the Buffalo.
It had been an incredibly tense meeting, with the highest authorities on either side and Celestia sitting in the middle as mediator. One wrong move; one badly phrased word; one odd look and it would have meant war for years on end.
Today, she was once again on her best behaviour.
She had just told Twilight’s parents of her intent to enter into a romantic relationship with their daughter.
She could already smell the napalm.
Night Light leaned over and whispered something into his wife’s ear. His widened eyes never left Princess Celestia’s regal form, not even to look at his daughter, who happened to be trying to hide under the table at that very moment.
“Twilight, please,” Celestia hissed out of the corner of her mouth. “You’re not making this any simpler.”
An unkempt purple mane appeared over the top of the table’s edge, followed by a furiously crimson face. Twilight swallowed hard, eyes roaming all over her parent’s house in blatant avoidance of the matter at hand.
The house was the same as always – a small, cozy thing filled with pictures of Twilight and her brother. A new one had joined the ranks of the photos on the wall most recently – the day Twilight got her crown. It hung comfortably next to the picture of Shining Armor receiving his command in the Royal Guard.
Two ponies who achieved.
Twilight was rudely drawn back into the harsh mood of the room when Celestia thought to speak further.
“Ah, if I may, Sir Night Light and Lady Twilight Velvet,” the senior princess said, “I would like very much to discuss this with you further and allay all your concerns regarding this matter. I do realise that this is odd, given many assorted details, but I have prepared a short presentation on the matter which I believe you will—”
“No, no, no,” ‘Lady’ Velvet cut in. “Are you saying that you wish to be… a couple? With my little Twily-Wily?”
“Yes, my lady.”
“And… Twilight, you are… okay with this?”
“Y-yes mom,” Twilight muttered weakly.
“Are you under duress?” Night Light cut in suddenly, raising himself to full, menacing height.
“No!” Twilight cried out.
Celestia remained stoic, professional as always.
“Listen. Father? Mother? I’m not being forced. It was my idea, in fact. We are… we’re in love,” Twilight said.
She closed her eyes. It felt strange coming out, like trying to squeeze cheese out of a hose. And it wasn’t that she was unwilling to defend the point or stick up to it. It wasn’t that her love was anything short of true. It wasn’t that there was a lack of happiness or an abundance of embarrassment for the situation and what was to come.
It was just that…
Parents.
“Well, dear,” Twilight Velvet said, leaning slightly to the side. Her eyes flicked to meet her husband’s, and they spoke in low tones.
“It’s time, isn’t it?” Night Light muttered.
“Yes. It is. We knew this day would come eventually. I’m most certainly prepared. Are you?”
“Y-yes. I am.” Night Light said.
Together, they faced forward again, looking across the table where four cups of tea were slowly turning into four cups of cold sludge.
Twilight Velvet looked her daughter straight in the eye.
Night Light looked up toward Celestia.
“Princess Celestia?” he said.
“Twily, dear?” Velvet nodded with a smile.
The two princesses nodded back, the only proper response.
“We need to talk,” said the parents.
“Sir, are you quite alright?” Celestia asked.
Night Light had led her into the kitchen, a place far away from the other two. It was a place where they could speak in peace, and more importantly, it was a place where Night Light could guzzle down a glass of refreshing water.
He was thirsty, it seemed, but not for tea.
“Ah… oh dear… oh dear…” he sputtered, placing the glass in the sink.
Celestia frowned from the modicum of concern she had. The stallion was breathing heavily, huffing and clutching at his heart. With a quick glance, she took stock of the kitchen itself, which was a nice place, very earthy, with soft, warm colours lining the edges and a full complement of utensils bordering the countertops.
It felt homely. It felt like the sort of place she could see herself growing up in if she didn’t have a lavishly magnificent castle, which was just a little bit better in every conceivable way.
“Okay,” Night said to himself. “You got this. You got this, old man.”
“Sir… I—”
“Oh, for Celestia’s sake, please, give me a moment!” Night cried, wheezing.
“I… beg your pardon?”
“Alright.” Night whirled around, pulling himself straight once more. At full height, he nearly reached Celestia’s shoulders. “Now, listen. I-I-I-I have something to say to you, y-young miss.”
“Ah…” Celestia muttered.
“Oh… is that right? No. But, I’m supposed to…” Night Light scratched his head, glancing to the floor all of a sudden.
Celestia played with her hooves.
“Oh, this is all weird!” Night called out, flailing his legs. “It isn’t supposed to be… you!”
“I do beg your pardon?” Celestia asked again. Things weren’t getting any clearer.
“No, not like that! I mean… look, there’s something I have to say to you, but… with all due respect, your highness, it’s… quite awkward! And I’m in quite the spot here!” Night waggled his hoof.
“Well, sir, if I might be forward,” Celestia offered. “Please consider me as if I were a regular pony, and say to me what you need to. I do not believe there is anything you could say that would be as awkward as you think, and you have clearly rehearsed for this moment. Do not let my stature dissuade you. I give you all the respect that I give to your daughter, and I am your humble servant in these matters.”
“A-are you sure?” Night asked, looking up, a brief moment of relief washing over his face.
“Yes.” Celestia bowed, lowering her head. “Please. Say what you mean to, and what you have prepared.”
“V-very well then.” Night said, brusquely.
He remained still for a moment, and like an engine coming to life on a cold day, suddenly stomped over and stuck his face into hers.
Celestia jerked back slightly, widening her eyes a little bit.
“Now, you,” Night yelled, poking Celestia roughly in the chest. “You! Y-you think you’ve got what it takes to be my daughter’s bo– girlfriend?”
He swiped upwards, knocking her crown off her head. It tinkled to the floor, bouncing off the black and white porcelain tiles.
Celestia blinked.
“No manners! No respect! D-didn’t your parents teach you to take off your headwear while in the house? And… and you didn’t wipe your shoes at the front door!”
Princess Celestia stared downwards at her golden dress spats. They didn’t even touch the floor.
Night Light looked up from them as well, swallowing hard. He had a face like an asphyxiated goldfish, but he kept pushing through, carried by a strange momentum of equal parts adrenaline and blind stupidity.
“So what makes you think that you’re right for my daughter, huh? Who are you, even? The ruler of our land? So… so what? Just because you have money a-and power a-and you could… probably kill me just by touching me… That doesn’t instantly give you a f-free pass! You hear?”
Celestia nodded slowly, hesitantly.
“Answer me with your words, girl!” Night Light yelled, his voice rising in octave as he went on.
“Y-yes sir. I understand,” Celestia replied shakily. Something odd was going on here. She couldn’t tell what. “I apologize for my rudeness.”
“So… so…. if you're thinking of dating my daughter, you can be sure that I’m gonna be on your ass like… like… so hard. So hard.” Night kept poking. “You’re going to have to earn my trust, and we’re going to see from there if you’re right for her or not! A-and don’t you even think about lying to me about anything! I can tell. I was your age… once… and…”
Night Light flustered.
“... and I want you to know that if anything, anything at all happens to her, or she gets hurt, or gets in trouble because of you, I’m going to come over to your house personally and… and kick your ass all the way to Fillydelphia and back…”
Celestia’s eyes started to dry out. She had forgotten how to blink.
“... and remember, she has friends in high places, so if you think you can escape from trouble, I’ll have you know that she’s personal friends with… Princess Celestia…”
Night Light stopped, leaving his wheezing to fill the rest of the room. His leg dropped as he finished his speech, and he tapped the floor with a hoof, a nervous tic running through his extremities.
Princess Celestia opened her mouth for a while, and no words would come out.
They shared a look.
“Yes, you were right,” Celestia finally whispered.
“W-what?” Night Light whispered back.
“That was extremely awkward.”
“Now, let’s dispense with the formalities. I’m sure we can trust Princess Celestia, so– oh, in you go! In you go!” Velvet shoved Twilight into her and Night Light’s room. “Oh, we’re going to have some fun!”
“Mom? What is this about?” Twilight asked, as she walked up to her parents’ bed and hopped on. It was an automatic response. She always remembered those nights when she was but a young filly, frightened by ghosts in the cupboard or the lightning’s rage outside, and she would seek solace in her parents’ loving arms.
“Now, Twily, it couldn’t have been better! I was hoping that you’d get together with somepony reputable, but… oooh, Princess Celestia herself! That just means I can skip all the boring things and get straight to the fun stuff!”
“The… fun stuff, mom?” Twilight asked, tilting her head. She nestled herself into the fluffy downy softness of the bed as Velvet circled round and gave her daughter a little hug.
“Oooh, yes, dear! I’m so proud. Mumsy’s so proud. But there are some things that you need to know when you get together with someone else, and we need to talk about that.”
“Well, it should be fine. I mean, Celestia and I agreed to take it slowly. We understand that the situation is very difficult and rather odd and that the public might not react to the news very well. We also agreed that to keep me safe from her enemies, we won’t be publically declaring our relationship, so you and dad have to promise to keep it qu—”
“Oh, boring!” Velvet waved her hoof around dismissively. “I know all that already. Let me guess – you’re going to wait three years before starting to inform the others closest to you, and in the meantime you will be slowly getting closer to Princess Celestia under the guise of her tutoring you in princess duties when actually what you will be doing is monitoring how everyone reacts to your behaviour, and you will reassess in three years’ time if it‘s safe to make the information public or not.”
“Well… yes,” Twilight said, blinking in surprise.
“And so far we’re the only ones you’re telling because you want our full support and blah, blah, blah, you care for us and our acceptance would mean the world to you and Princess Celestia needs to be respectful to us because after all, we’re her little lover’s parents.”
“Well, that’s rather… frank, but yes.” Twilight confirmed. “But how—”
“I raised you, darling. I know you’ve been studying under Princess Celestia for a long time now, but… you know. Formative years.” Velvet smushed Twilight’s mane. “You’re always going to be my little girl.”
“Well, thanks, mom.” Twilight winced away from the mane-mussing. “I… I guess this was easier than I thought it was going to be.”
“Oh yes, of course. I get all this. I’m not the one who’s worrying. It’s your father who thinks you’re still a baby. But you can’t blame him, can you? He’s so proud. But, no, as I said, now we get to talk about the fun stuff,” Velvet said, eyes twinkling like a schoolfilly who found out the cafeteria was selling pudding that day.
“You’ve mentioned. What is this… ah… ‘fun’ stuff?”
“Well, Twilight, my dear. Have a seat,” Velvet grinned slyly.
“I… am sitting, mom.”
“Good. Good. I have been waiting for this day for a long time. I had to have this talk with your brother back when he met Cadence, you know. And now it’s your turn.”
“Wait. Mom. This isn’t what I think, is it?” Twilight quirked an eyebrow.
Velvet stepped forward, sitting on the edge of the bed, leg draped over Twilight’s shoulder. “Now. As you know, when two ponies get together, sometimes they get… funny feelings inside.”
“Um… mom.”
“And those little urges bloom into something amazing. Feelings you have never felt before, and they make you want to do things.”
“Mom!” Twilight yelled, jerking away and turning slightly pink. “I’m an adult! I know what sex is, alright?”
“And sometimes you find yourself alone,” Velvet went on, grin spreading even further, pulling her hoof back towards herself, “and then you get a tingle, sweet one, a tingle in your naughty area.”
“Mom,” Twilight groaned, covering her face with a hoof. “I know what sex is. We haven’t done anything, alright? Like I said, we’re taking it slow.”
“Oh yes, it starts slow. And then it gets faster, and faster, and more furious, and then suddenly everything is buzzing like you have flies in your hat and you can’t remember where you left your keys.”
“Mom, what are you even talking about?”
“I’m trying to explain, dear,” Velvet said calmly. “If you’d just let me…”
“Mom. Seriously. We don’t need this talk. This is getting a bit… strange, okay?”
“Funny, that’s what your brother said.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah? And what else did he say?”
“‘How do you even know so much about stallion parts?’ was his most frequent comment,” Velvet said.
Twilight had to recollect her thoughts before continuing.
“O… okay. Mom. Listen. I’m sorry, but I’m feeling slightly uncomfortable. I really know about the birds and the bees, alright?”
“Well you obviously don’t!” Velvet said.
“What… why?”
“Well, Princess Celestia’s a mare too, you know. So it’s clearly the birds and the birds we’re talking about. Not a single tiny stinger in sight!”
“Mom!” Twilight yelled again. “I know what sex is!”
“Oh, good,” Velvet laughed.
She pointed her horn towards the door, and with a very audible click, a key was turned and floated into a drawer.
Velvet looked at her daughter like a lion does a watering gazelle.
The gazelle looked from door to mother with a gaping mouth.
“Then I won’t have to mince words about it.” Velvet smiled.
“A-alright. I need to know. What is your business with my daughter?” Night Light asked, his hooves resting on the surface in front of him. The stallion sat at the little marble island in the center of the kitchen.
Across from him sat Celestia, her crown lying neatly on the countertop.
Her eyes paused briefly over the luxury knife stand next to Night Light before she turned back to respond. “Sir, I wish to enter into a relationship with your daughter, as I had mentioned. We simply wanted to let you know this out of respect.”
“Out of respect!” Night shot out suddenly. “S-so regardless of my blessing you’d still go ahead with it anyway, is that right?”
Celestia exhaled. “It would mean very much to me and your daughter, sir, to have that blessing.”
“No. Don’t tell me what my own daughter wants.” Night held a hoof out, hovering it unsteadily in the air in front of Celestia’s nose.
He lowered it again.
“I’m sorry, sir,” Celestia muttered.
“No. I don’t want apologies. I want a reason.” The stallion started to pace back and forth, face wrought with anxiety. “How did this happen? Tell me. Tell me now.”
Celestia stared at her crown. Under the lights it twinkled and shone. But right now it merely sat upon a table, rather than her head. She wondered if that made a difference.
“I’ve been… watching over her for ten years, sir,” Celestia said. “Ten years. It doesn’t seem so long, sometimes. I can still remember the day she arrived at the castle for the test. I still bear the images of that day, almost like I was still there.”
“You’ve been taking pictures of her since then?” Night roared.
“N-no! I… no!” Celestia bristled her wings. “I mean, no! I just remember it, sir! I remember it so clearly because I knew your daughter was something special. Not in so many years of my own life have I recalled seeing a child of such potential. So yes, I enrolled her into my school.”
“All part of your plan, no doubt.” Night huffed.
“Plan? What plan?”
“Don’t play coy. You’re telling me you weren’t working up to this point?”
“Sir, I promise I have no idea what you are speaking of.”
“Then why?” Night stamped his hoof. “Why was she made your personal protege?”
Celestia remained firm. “Because in four years of schooling she showed the most improvement. Coupled with her natural ability, she was simply the right choice.”
“Isn’t… isn’t that just the model answer,” Night retorted dispiritedly.
“Sir, it is the answer that I have.”
“That is not the truth.” Night shook his head, upset whispers pouring over curled lips and flushed teeth. “Those are the words of the Princess, not of Celestia. And that is why you will not have my blessing. Do as you will, but you will not have my blessing.”
Celestia’s shoulders sank as the remainder of her air released from her lungs in one single breath. She tilted her head down, her eyes sloping in kind.
In front of her was a stallion. The father of her love. The one from whom she most desperately wanted the approval of.
She hadn’t even been this anxious about the Diamond Dog Tariff she had had to negotiate a year ago, where one misstep would have resulted in a complete gem embargo and many unhappy Rarities.
She had known she was going to be successful, and she had been. All she did was walk into that dank, musty cave full of mushrooms and algae, four hundred armed guards, and a couple of very irate Diamond Dog chieftains sitting on thrones made out of what looked like old socks.
All she’d had to do was know that she was going to leave with the signed Tariff, and she had.
But she had no idea what to do today.
“Sir… may I ask why?” she looked back up.
“Why what?”
“Why do you dislike me?”
“Does that matter?” Night slumped down. “You made yourself very clear what your intentions are regardless.”
“Well, sir. I do… I do want to at least try to come to an understanding in which both of us will be content—”
“Content? Content?” Night slammed his hoof into the countertop in a sudden flash of anger, Celestia’s tiara clinking as it bounced. “You think that anything you’ve done has made me content?”
“B-but, we met, sir, during the coronation…”
Night Light closed his eyes, drawing inwards.
“... and you looked happy, sir. You looked happy and proud.” Celestia begged for reason.
“Let me tell you something. Happy and proud I may have been, but it’s a far cry from being content!”
“Sir…”
“Fine! You want to know why I’m so upset? Why I dislike you? Then listen!” Night shot Celestia with a look that would anger a goddess, his demeanour cracking as the slew of emotions started to pour through. “You have stolen her from me for ten years, and you can’t even stand here in front of me and be honest about it all!”
“Sir!” Celestia’s voice started to rise as well. “I do not understand!”
“All you have been doing,” Night yelled, “is giving me lines! Lines that you prepared. Lines that you use in talks, and diplomatic hearings. Lines that protect yourself! You have not once been honest!”
Celestia’s head dropped again, her brow furrowing as a strange jolt ran through her chest.
“You… you come here and… for ten years, Celestia!” The agitated stallion continued, his breath starting to shake again as his anger peaked. “For ten years! First it was Mondays through Saturdays at the Academy. And you know what? That was fine. That was… was school! But suddenly. Suddenly, you know what happened? You made her your special student. And then due to some rule or something, she had to move into a library!”
The princess dropped her head even lower.
“Yeah, she had to live… there, right next to you, in the royal palace. Can you tell me why? Can you explain? And then can you explain to me why after a few years she was so easily discarded and moved to Ponyville?”
“Because I—” Celestia gasped, a soft, weak mewling that fluttered away unheard.
“And then she stopped visiting after that. ‘Too busy’, she said, ‘too far away’.” Night dropped his head into his hooves as he leaned forward on the table. “The n-next time I saw her was at Shining Armor’s wedding. And then after that, her coronation.
“I have never… and I will say this to you, Miss Celestia, that I have never been prouder for her in my life. Look how far my daughter has come. But that was just all part of the plan, wasn’t it? In the end, I really should have seen this coming. I should have. Oh, how foolish I have been. No, this is the last step, this is your last ploy to rob me, Celestia.”
Night Light gritted his teeth, blocking his face from Celestia, turning down and burying himself further into his legs. His hooves pressed hard into his forehead, and he began to shake in a combination of fear, sadness and helplessness.
“I’ll tell you why I won’t give you my blessing! Because for ten years, for ten years, my daughter, my precious baby girl, has been everywhere but…”
Night threw his hooves apart, waving to everywhere but nowhere at all. His gesture was followed by a thick choke as he struggled to get his final words out.
“... home!”
Night shuddered over his heaving chest, his voice quieting.
“Home. Never home. I have watched my girl grow up from afar. I have heard about her struggles and accomplishments, but not from her. I have had to read about her dangers and triumphs from a newspaper. I haven’t seen her for months. And the first thing I hear when she comes back for the first time in two years is that she’s going away forever.”
Night Light sighed, eyes red and marred. He threw a hoof over his nose, breathing in past it, an audible hiss as he stared at the pony across from him.
“Fine then,” he whispered. “Take her. I can do nothing to stop you. Your concession is over. You’ve heard what I had to say. Now take her and leave.”
With a heavy hoof, he pushed the crown across the table, back towards Celestia.
He threw his face onto the table, covering himself up as best he could. There was nothing he could do from this point on.
There was no way to vanquish the monsters that crawled out of the closet to spirit away the little fillies who cowered under the sheets.
His mind swam with shadows and whirls of razor-sharp wind, biting at him with every turn of thought.
He lay, defeated, gone, lost to the world, his entire life fa—
Clink.
That was the sound he heard, and when he looked up through blurred eyes, he saw the crown sitting in the corner of the kitchen, dented, lying in its final resting spot after having been swept off the kitchen counter.
Ahead of him came the clear sounds of staggered breathing, as the alicorn held her head up straight, her lower lip trembling, eyes just about to release a torrential flood.
“Wait… what?” Night muttered.
Celestia finally burst out with another few sharp breaths, her hair losing its natural glow and falling down like a discarded rag over her shoulders; no longer did the wind deign it worthy to keep aloft as she cried, darkened lines marring her cheeks with trails of salt.
“What is…”
Princess Celestia, the lord and ruler, of all the lands and kingdoms, the most powerful pony from here to halfway around the world, was crying in Night Light’s kitchen.
“What is happening?” Night blurted out.
“Let me out, Mother,” Twilight growled through gritted teeth, as she stood by the door.
“Oh no. You want my blessing, don’t you?”
“Well, yes, I do, but…”
“Then sit back down and answer a few questions. That’s all I want. A couple of questions to make sure you’re ready for this.” Velvet looked off to the side casually.
“I think I’ll be alright, mom!”
Velvet flicked her head towards the bed.
“Alright, fine,” Twilight groaned, tromping back to her mother’s side.
“Goodie! Alright. So, have you done it yet?”
“Let me out!” Twilight cried.
“No, but have you, though?” Velvet asked.
“No!”
“Have you?”
“I said no!”
“Aw, but have you, though?”
Twilight emitted a sound like a cart full of fruit being run over by a larger cart, also full of fruit.
Velvet paused, a slight expression of worry crossing her face.
“Mom…” Twilight pleaded.
“But have you, though?”
“We’ve kissed! Alright? We’ve kissed!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Oh, like a little peck on the cheek or full on with the tongue?” Velvet asked.
“Mom!”
“A bit of light nibbling, perhaps?” Velvet held her hooves in front of her, invisible lover in her grasp. “And then working your way down to the jubblies an—”
“Oh, for star’s sake, Mother, is this necessary?”
“How long is Celestia’s tongue, anyway? Yards long, I bet. Like an anteater. Has she eaten your ants, Twilight?”
“I don’t even know what you’re trying to suggest anymore.” Twilight shook her head, eyebrows pulling back in confusion.
“Oohh, I bet she has. All your ants. You know where ants are found, Twilight? Anthills. I bet she’s been around your anthills.”
“Are you saying that Celestia’s eaten insects off my chest?” Twilight exclaimed, exasperated.
Velvet blinked. “Oh. Is that what you’re into? Insects?”
“No!”
“I bet you slather worms across your face.”
“That’s disgusting! I would never!”
“Crickets, then?”
“No!”
“Giant millipedes. With all the legs.”
“No insects of any kind, mother! I don’t put insects on my body!”
“Oh, frogs, then?”
“Nor amphibians!”
“Giant Saddle Arabian bleeding-eye lizards.”
“Nor reptiles!”
“Lesser basil-striped mongooses.”
“N– What?”
“Koalas. Maybe you get a koala to latch on and Celestia has to lick it off.”
“K-koalas aren’t even indigenous to this continent, I…” Twilight trailed off weakly. “How do you even…”
“So no animals?”
“No, mother,” Twilight said, her mind addled by the onslaught of images. “W-we don’t put animals on each other when we ha…”
“Ah hah!” Velvet pointed, as Twilight’s hoof rose to her mouth.
“No! No, no, no!” Twilight squeaked. “I didn’t mean that!”
“Oh, yes you did! My little Twily-Wily doesn’t put animals on herself while making the naughty!” Velvet sang.
Twilight suddenly felt her face burning with the fury of a thousand bottles of Sriracha.
She gulped.
“Do you know what your brother does?” Velvet continued, unabashed.
“I don’t want to know what my br—”
“Whipped cream. Sure, it’s a bit of a standard, but he puts it on everything. Himself…”
“I don’t want to know!”
“... Cadence… “
“Mother, please! That’s private!”
“... pancakes.”
“It’s supposed to go on pancakes, mother! It’s supposed to!”
Twilight gasped for air. She felt dizzy. She felt like she was drowning in a pool of treacle toffee – a slow yet inevitable doom.
She noticed that her mother had stopped speaking, only the mad grin left to mark the world like a cheshire cat.
“Please, mother. T-this was a funny joke, but I think… I think we need to move on. Celestia is… heh… eh heh heh…” she devolved into a odd maniacal laughter. “She’s waiting for me, so let’s… let’s go and have tea and you can… give us your blessing…”
“I don’t think I want to, just yet.” Velvet hummed again.
“Mother…”
“I don’t think your dad is finished with her. And besides, while I think it’s extremely cute that you think that I was joking, I can tell you that I am incredibly serious.”
“But why?” Twilight furrowed her brow.
“Well. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just a big old pervert.”
“Come on, mom. Don’t say that about yourself.” Twilight muttered. “That’s even weirder.”
“Then indulge me.” Velvet said, straightly, not a single hint of a joke on her lips.
“Fine,” Twilight said. “Fine. We’ve done… stuff. Nothing too… into it. I promise. It wasn’t even really what you would consider… Well. But yes, we have. Are you happy now?”
“Nearly.”
“Nearly?” Twilight raised an exhausted eyebrow.
“If you want my blessing, you’ll have to tell me all about it.”
She had been sobbing loudly for the past three or so minutes, a veritable mess; she looked like a cat that got kicked out of the cardboard box it had been living in, an incredibly sad, but somehow quite cute, frown splayed across her miserable face.
“I’m s-so,” Celestia hiccupped, “so, so sorry, mister Night Light, I just…”
Night Light had his hoof across one eye. They were shut, and he leaned forward into his leg as it propped up his heavy head.
Both ponies sitting there at the table were inconsolable for two entirely different reasons.
“Why are you crying?” Night said, deadpan.
Celestia took a moment to recompose, if only slightly, as she wiped away the remnants of a final burst of tears from the edges of her eyes.
“Oh…” she sniffed. “I… I never wanted… oh, Mister Night… I’ve been watching over her for so long. I swear. I swear I never had any intention of taking her… I couldn’t even…!”
Celestia burst into tears again, sprinkling the kitchen counter.
“I’ve been… I’ve been watching her, Mister Night,” she explained, wiping her nose. “I’ve been watching her and I wanted to give her the opportunity. It was after… It was after I sent her to Ponyville as part of her responsibilities did I finally realise… I missed her. I missed her and I wanted her to come back. I wanted her to come back every night, but she had a task to do. She had responsibilities of her own.”
“You telling me you only started to have feelings then?”
“I’ve only considered her my pupil for a very long time, sir. I still do now. But I don’t… have the opportunity to allow ponies into my life so easily. I never had the chance with anyone before. But here was this mare, smart, and kind, and self-sacrificing, and I saw in her not only someone to take over the crown, but someone whom I could finally… be near.
“And I won’t lie. I… It had crossed my mind that this was what you were experiencing as well. But when you said it… it… I just… I’ve never not known what to do before, Mister Night. I’ve never… been so unprepared… or… and…”
Celestia clutched at her chest, a soft wheezing emitting like the last bursts of air in a deflating balloon.
“I’ve been so selfish, Mister Night. I’m so sorry. I’m a terrible pony. But I love her. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way about another. I wanted… I wanted somepony for my own. I wanted family.”
“Family?” Night Light asked, a thick fog entering his mind. “You have Luna, don’t you?”
“Well… yes, but… you know. The Moon. All that. It was… complicated.”
“Yes. Yes. Of course,” Night swirled his leg around in the air, pushing his face further into his other hoof.
“I… saw in Twilight – your daughter – something that I could… But if you don’t wish to approve, then… then I will respect your decision. I… I’ll tell Twilight later. I’ll say it’s my decision, and…”
“Stop.”
Celestia stopped, eyes half-open, her body drooping over like a willow. She shut her mouth a while after, as Night Light prised his eyes open to look at the figure.
She was in a state that should never be seen. She was less of a pony than most other ponies by this point, frizzled hair and frayed nerves, acting in a way that had never once been witnessed by mortal eye – a self reserved for the secret, the private, the alone.
Night’s eyes wandered aimlessly, emotions and thoughts conflicting. It all swirled in a huge ball of light and shadow, of logic and pride, of selfishness and generosity.
“That’s all I wanted, really,” Night Light muttered.
“A-all you…”
“This? This is honesty. This is what I meant,” Night waved his hoof haphazardly in Celestia’s direction. “None of that ‘princess’ stuff. Just… well. I think maybe this was a bit too much, but at least I know how you truly feel.”
“I really love her,” Celestia said under her breath, more to herself than to have to prop up the argument.
“Listen. You understand why this is difficult for me.”
“Yes. Of course. But—”
“But what, Princess?”
“But… I want to tell you something. W-we spoke about this. Twilight and I. We spoke about this. I wanted to mention it earlier, but… the last thing I wanted was for you to think that I was trying to take her away,” Celestia croaked. “And then I overreacted… and… I really didn’t mean to…”
She let out a big sniff.
“Okay. Come on. Get to the point, alright?” Night grumbled.
“We want you to come join us, Mister Night, at the royal grounds.”
“Pardon me?”
“Yes, I had a side castle b-built for you and your wife. We want you to join us. We knew that if we had to be away, there was another option. You could always come to us. So I had a very small castle built for the two of you right at the palace. And you could come visit every day. Every single day.”
“A… castle?”
“Yes. Something modest. Only eight bedrooms and two pools, unfortunately. I’m afraid on such short notice I couldn’t do anything better. But it’s quite comfortable.”
“A… castle.”
“Please, sir. It has an observatory. Twilight told me you enjoyed stargazing, so I had one put in specially. If it’s not enough then…”
“You know, Celestia, I’m not one for bribery.”
“O-oh, well bu—”
“But this… goes a long way.” Night Light raised an eyebrow.
He was trying very hard to put on a friendlier expression, but that was all he could muster.
“Alright, alright,” the stallion relented. “I’m willing to work on it. Twilight’s still my baby girl. But I guess what you just did wasn’t something that you normally do in front of others, so… it’s a good first step. I’ll give you my blessing.”
Celestia’s face lightened a thousand times over.
“On one condition!” Night interjected. “You better take good care of her. Princess or no, if you do let her get hurt, I will kick your ass. Got it?”
Celestia smiled, a soft faint smile. It was the end of a short road that felt a lot longer than it was. “Of course.”
“We’ll work on it.” Night Light nodded. “And I’m sorry about the… crown thing.”
“O-oh. That’s quite alright, sir. I have eighteen thousand of them.”
Night quirked an eyebrow.
“So, tell me more about this castle,” he asked, sliding off the counter, headed for the door.
“Of course, daddy!” Celestia piped up cheerfully.
Night Light smacked his lips.
Celestia played with her hooves sheepishly.
“May I—”
“Don’t push it, princess,” the stallion growled.
Twilight buried her head in a pillow. It was the oddest place to do that, given the situation and the fact that she had to make her way past her mother to do so, but she needed to bury her head into something, and nothing was going to stop her from her futile attempt to save face, darn it!
“Come on dear,” Velvet lilted. “You wouldn’t deprive mumsy, would you?”
“Mgg goff frgfh glflef,” Twilight replied.
“Well, why not try using a diagram or a chart of some kind? You love those.”
“Grmfm frmm, bmrem nff iff fuf! Gff fragm mffreffrerff!”
“It’s a simple consideration! Just tell me, and I’ll give you your blessing! That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
“Yes!” Twilight gasped as she surfaced for air. “But you’re being very unreasonable!”
“Now, be that as it may, it’s my stipulation!” Velvet smiled, “And I’m sticking by it.”
“I just don’t want to. I don’t want to talk about it. It’s none of your business, and I don’t want to talk about it,” snapped Twilight. “So please, let me out.”
Velvet tilted her head, her smile fading. She nodded, looking down and across the bed at her daughter.
“Very well, then.” With a sweep of her horn, the drawer opened and the key floated out, depositing itself on the bed in front of Twilight’s left leg.
“Go on, then,” Velvet waved. “Take it. You’re free to go.”
Twilight propped herself up. “With…”
“No. Without. I made myself clear. If you want that blessing, you’ll have to do as I asked.”
“Mom, this is very important to me and Princess Celestia. You already said you approved of us, so why can’t you just—”
“Nope!” Velvet folded her hooves. “Nothing doing!”
Twilight gave a noise of frustration, snatching up the key and rolling off the bed, turning to face her mother with a glare. “You are being so annoying right now! I mean, I’m sorry, mom, but this is just ridiculous! This is so unlike you!”
“Don’t think about that,” Velvet waved it away.
“What do you mean, ‘don’t think about that’?”
“Just what I meant. Don’t think about that. Just give me what I want, and you get what you want. It’s that simple. Or you can take that key and leave, right now. It’s your choice. It’s up to you. How unreasonable I am is not part of the problem.”
“Fine then!” Twilight yelled. “I’m leaving!”
In a huff, a sweep, and a bothered ruffle of feathers, she turned to the door, unlocked it and stormed out.
Velvet narrowed her eyes and tilted her head back, peering at the doorway from over her nose.
All was silent save for the stompings of a perturbed pony in the hallway outside.
The steps stopped.
They grew louder again as they came stomping back down the corridor.
“Fine!” Twilight burst back into the room. “I’ve had some time to think! Granted, it was only eight seconds, but I had some time to think!”
“Oh?” Velvet asked, calmly taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
“Yes! Fine! You want to know so badly? It doesn’t matter. Your approval is what I want, and it’s what I know Celestia wants. So… if you really just want to hear my most embarrassing secrets that badly, then fine!”
“Oh, really?” Velvet raised an eyebrow, smile turning up at the corners of her mouth. “And what brought you to this conclusion?”
“Because you know what? In the end I don’t lose anything. It’s not hurting me in any way to tell you, and in the big picture, what’s a little sacrifice for Celestia? Besides, you’re my mom. I shouldn’t have to feel embarrassed around family!”
“Yes. Family. But wasn’t I being super unreasonable?”
“Yes, you are, and I have no idea why you’re acting like this but I don’t care, because being with Celestia is going to be pretty difficult, and there’s gonna be a lot worse things coming ahead, and if I can’t handle a small thing like this then, you know what, I just realised that this was a test,” Twilight smacked herself in the face with a hoof, not skipping a beat in her charged soliloquy, “and this was the point you wanted me to get, right?”
“Hmph,” Velvet uttered. “Took you long enough.”
“Really? You were testing me?” Twilight groaned. “And I’m sorry for yelling, but this was kinda stressful for me!”
“Twilight, I have one job as a mother. Just one. And that’s to always look out for you and make sure you’re going to be fine. It doesn’t matter what you think of me, or how you portray me. It’s my duty to ensure that you don’t ever head down a road blind.”
“Well…” Twilight mumbled. “But why… like this? Why not just talk?”
“Because the best lessons learnt are the ones experienced. I had to learn a lot of things in the same way, Twilight. I had to learn how to accept that my daughter was going to be going through a lot of danger. I had to learn how to let go. No one spoke to me about it, did they? It was just as hard with your brother as it was with you. So I’m sure you’ll forgive me for needing to make sure with my own eyes.”
Twilight said nothing, only trodding forward across the room, depositing herself on the floor and gently laying her head in her mother’s lap.
“Oh, Twily, you were always a very stubborn child. That was your one single weakness. Stubborn and prideful. Anytime you faced something that would make you have to get embarrassed, or lose a bit of your public image, you’d back off. You’re a princess now. And the one you’ve chosen to be with is a bit of a high profile target of her own.”
Twilight sighed. It wasn’t something she could rightly deny.
“If you couldn’t handle talking about one of your most embarrassing subjects with your mother, then you may not be able to handle things with Princess Celestia. Sometimes it takes a bit of thought just to see what things are worth. And sometimes you have to make hard decisions that take a bit of self-sacrifice. And you know what? Most of the time, these things are going to come from very unreasonable sources.”
Velvet smiled slightly. “But I’m glad you made this choice. I will be able to sleep better at night knowing how much my girl has grown into a fine, smart mare.”
“But what if I failed?” Twilight asked. “I was nearly ready to walk away.”
“You’d be surprised how many decisions are made on the very cusp of the problem. Sometimes things can perch on the edge of a cliff, swinging back and forth until the very last minute. It takes a great deal of strength and integrity to be able to control where you land at those moments. And if you had landed on the wrong side? I’d have been disappointed. I’d have had this same talk with you, and I’d have given you my blessing anyway. But I’d have been disappointed.”
“Well, I’m glad I didn’t disappoint you, then.” Twilight declared.
“Not for me, darling. For yourself,” Velvet smiled down. “But I’m satisfied. I’m… sure. Just be prepared. This is nothing compared to the tests that you will face being with such a mare.”
The room lapsed into a silence as the two of them sat and thought.
“Mom?” Twilight suddenly piped up.
“Yes, darling?”
“Is it alright to be scared?”
“Of course it is. In fact, it’d be odder if you weren’t. But I can tell you now, you will always have a family to back you up. Always. You and Shining Armor, no matter what troubles you have, you will have a home and a voice and a shoulder. And you should never be ashamed of that.”
Twlight smiled, big, bright, and beaming.
“Thanks mom,” she said. snuggling up against her. “I love you.”
“I love you too, dear.”
“But really, all that… stuff you said. So… so horrible.” Twilight stuck out her tongue.
“Oh, I was just joking. Mostly. You know, your mom has a sense of humour. In fact, the kinds of things your father had me do—”
“Oooookay,” Twilight said, standing bolt upright and backing off.
Velvet chuckled, clambering off the bed herself, and giving a little a stretch.
“So, test is over, right?” Twilight asked. “ I promise. I’ll try my best to make all the right decisions. The way you taught me.”
“Good girl.” Velvet nodded. “And… forgive me? For all this?”
“Of course, mom. That was… an experience, but I guess I can understand where you’re coming from. I’m just glad I didn’t have to detail my horrible experiences to you.”
“Oh, no. I still want to hear them! But later. When you’re ready.” Velvet winked.
Twilight pursed her lips, glowering at Velvet. “Where’s dad?”
“Oh, just about done as well, I should think. In fact, I’m more worried about him. The fool has a soft spot for you, you know? He had a whole speech reserved for your potential mate, whenever that day were to come. It being Celestia sure complicates things a bit.”
“What… what is he doing, mom?”
“Nothing bad, I assure you! But he’s more emotional than I am, and a lot more opinionated, as you know. I’m sure everything will be alright, though.”
Velvet’s ears perked as a couple of assorted noises flew through the house starting with a door opening and closing twice in quick succession. “Ah, that’d be them now.”
“Let’s go join them, then,” Twilight said, perking up.
“Yes, let’s.”
The first thing they ran into was an openly sobbing Princess Celestia, tailing a rather irate Night Light.
The two Twilights froze, mouths open, Sparkle’s hanging a bit lower than Velvet’s.
“Please!” Celestia was begging, as she chased him around the room. “Let me call you d—”
“No!” Night yelled. “You have to earn that, girl!”
“But we’ve gotten so close during our time together!” Celestia whined.
“It was twenty minutes!”
“But I feel we really understand each other, and… and…”
“No, girl! I said no!” Night Light said, throwing himself into his couch.
“What will it take? Another extension to your castle? Anything. Please. I already feel a kinship between us…”
Velvet leaned over to Twilight, whispering. “Castle?”
“Oh yeah,” Twilight replied. “I forgot to mention. You guys have a castle now. Princess Celestia wants to move you over to the palace so you guys can be closer to me.”
“Oh! That’s very generous of her.” Velvet rubbed her chin.
“Oh, Twilight! My dear! And dearest mother!” Celestia suddenly called, noticing them standing in the corner of the living room.
“Don’t call her that!” Night Light growled, thwacking Celestia on the side of her shoulder.
“I think your father broke the princess,” Velvet commented, eyes glued to the scene in front of her, as a dejected Celestia shuffled back to the kitchen, bumping into the door on the way.
“Yeah… this is going to be an interesting relationship, isn’t it?” Twilight said.
“No more than any other,” Velvet replied with a wry smile.
The End
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This not really a big of a deal, but it says "here" in the short description instead of "there" Otherwise good story as usual
4346569
Whoops! Fixed. Thanks.
4346576
No problem
That was so adorable!
Hell's bells, that... escalated. And it was the glorious type of escalation. Really over the top, and at the same time, some nice fluffy feelings behind it. You have my upvote for the contest.
Oh man, I absolutely loved this. I was smiling and laughing the whole way through.
Great job, dude.
Night Light and Velvet. You are both still awesome. Loved the story as well. Well done, sir or madam!
What the hay did I just read?
On a (very slightly) more serious note, that was entertaining. It was...different from most other comedy fics I have read, and it made for a nice change of pace.
Have an upvote.
This was hilarious. Its 5 am here and I think I woke the neighbors laughing.
Hmm... that was interesting. And amusing.
Twilight's parents are also insane.
I don't know who's interrogation I loved more.
4347102
Really? Huh... I though that was pretty regular parent stuff
Don't your parents ever make the ruler of a whole nation who's been alive since said nation has been established while your mother tries to convince you to tell her your sexual experiences?
I'm sure this happens all the time right?
....well holy moly that was something. At first I was
Then 
Then finally 
Very nicely done! It's wonderful to see two Twilestia contest fics in the Featured box at the same time, both of them really great. Glad I don't have to judge!
Only change I'd make: add a Romance tag. Tagging and Groups are the two primary ways to search for stories. I think it needs the tag at the very least to make searching easier, though it merits it too: while this is primarily played for comedy, it's comedy about their relationship.
Good show, KR!
Waaaaait, if this is Twilestia, why isn't it marked Romance. <.<
This is gold
My smile is so big it hurts. I could barely read Night Light's "speech", because for some reason I can't handle awkward. Particularly when it's on TV... of any kind. And Velvet. My goodness. I just couldn't stop laughing, and by the end of it (especially the part about calling Night Light "dad") my laughter is spent but my smile hurts.
I just gotta say, thank you for writing this.
Very few things made me laugh this hard, and having this playing while reading the story didn't help matters. I think it made it harder to read from all the extra laughing, personally.
Good premise, but overdone. Then again, you have to fill those 9k words with something I guess. But still, this would look much better as a 3k.
mmm koalas eh?
4347363 I know right, when ever something Awkward happens I just fast forward or plug my ears till it's over
Wow... Celestia crying?! Night is a frickin' drill sargeant if he could make the Princess and ruler of the nation break down like that. Remind me to never date Twilight. Night scares me too much
Bwahahahahahah...
This was just a joyful little trainwreck. I enjoyed every last moment of it, but I don't envy Celestia's conversation.
The awkwardness is palpable.
But, um, the thing with the... anthills? Since they're ponies, that wouldn't really be the chest, would it? It'd be more like... the... undercarriage. Let's go with that.
But Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
4347208
I think you accidentally a word.
4347321
The twilestia relationship is there, but the focus of the fic is Twilight and Celestia talking to Twilight's parents about it. I'm not sure that that merits a Romance tag.
4347590. Same here mate drives me up the wall
Fantastic.
I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. XD
The story started out kinda weak for me but then as soon as Celestia broke down and Twilight let things slip during the animal licking argument it really picked up and I was laughing my butt off. Especially at the end there. Awesome job
Moar :)
I think I died reading this... loved the story though!
This is the best cringe humor I've read since Naked Singularity. The terrified dad trying the standard disapproving in-law-to-be role was so bad I actually had to stop reading for a bit from shared awkwardness. Then it switch from humorous to emotional... that worked out amazingly.
The part with Twilight and her mom would have gotten me, though. I have some pretty strong opinions about privacy--the issue about it being embarrassing didn't occur to me at all. Well, I did think about how embarrassing that would be, but it didn't really matter to me. When she pushed it past the first opening statement, I'd have probably magically silenced her so I could rant about how inappropriate that was, ask her why she would possibly want to know that (without actually letting her answer, most likely), and go on about how I couldn't believe she had such fetishes and that although I shouldn't judge, that's really sick. I'd also probably misunderstand her demand as some semi-incestuous interest in her child's sex life, rant some more about whatever happened to pop into my head, then leave in a huff.
I didn't see the lesson at all until Twilight said it. It's a good thing she's got her head on straighter than I do.
Although I'm actually pretty slow to anger... I might instead think that it was a test, but completely misunderstand it as a test of my ability to protect the privacy of my significant other under pressure.
Sorry about going off about myself, but the conversation between the two struck me the wrong way. Or rather, it struck properly, but I was in the wrong spot to receive it.
Utter, devastating misunderstandings whichever way you look at it, though.
Celestia and Night Light's talk was excellent, very touching and heartfelt. Twilight and her moms "talk" is the kinda thing that erodes trust, fosters resentment, and can start fights that last for years. "You're rejecting my choice of mate because I won't tell you the intimate details of my sex life? Really?"
All My YES!
Nitpick:
there are
Fucking loved this fic, Kitsu.
4347818
I think you mean 'asthma'. And even then, it's a really weak case of it.
You just opened up the door to an entirely new ship for me. Good job.
4349380
Um.
I am guessing that you are interpreting 'palpable' in the very narrow sense of 'detectable through palpation'. If that is the case, then I must inform you that 'palpable' can also mean physical or tangible, or (to be a little less literal) obvious or readily evident. (but you would have to be going to medical school or something to make that kind of mistake)
If that is not the case, then I'm afraid I have no idea what you mean.
4349572
You mentioned 'arthritis'. I thought you meant when Night was about to speak with Celestia, and he was breathing pretty damn hard as he tried to prepare himself, almost like he was short of breath.
Looked to me like a small case of asthma.
4349620
Oh. Actually, what I wrote there was anthills. As in what Celestia eats ants off of. Wink wink.
I will allow this.
This was glorious!
Been a while since a fic has made me laugh this loud.
4349697
OH! Oh shit, you're right, sorry!
Also, antihills. Just think mole mounds, and you'll get it.
You know. Rabbit homes. Where squirrels live in trees. Analogies like that.
Yeah, it's was pretty good. Have a like.
But I must say: Twilight's parents are jerks there. Like, serious assholes.
I lost my SH
T reading this! 
I never go for Twilestia, ever, but I am so glad I stopped and read this on a whim.
You need so many more views for this hilarious and sweet story.
Geez, this TwiLestia competition is blowing up the feature box! First it was God In-Laws, and now this?
Awesome story though.
Wow... I'll admit I only made it about halfway through.
I couldn't stand to read Twilight's conversation. I would literally never talk to either of my parents again if they talked to me or my significant other like that. Seriously, our relationship would be utterly done.
Priceless.