- Member Since 24th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Mar 27th, 2018
Twilight-the-Pony
If I had a cent for every headdesk... I'd still be poor.
Twilight-the-Pony
Joined 24th Feb, 2013 ·
Offline
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Featured In15
Shipping 💖11,669 stories ·9,737 members
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Sensual Fiction (SFG)1,192 stories ·1,724 members
RariJack537 stories ·1,941 members
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Very nice :)
4636284
Thankee
~Twi
I liked it!
Very sweet and sensual
4636394
It had to be done. c:
~Twi
It's good, an enjoyable and simple read, but there are a few things that could use some improvement.
First, the dance lessons were plain. I had no sort of mental image of Rarity and Applejack dancing, only Applejack walking and then falling over. The scene begs for a sense of movement, maybe describe more of what Rarity was doing. It may help to use some Tango terminology (if you understand it enough to use it correctly, or at least sound like you are), but badly used technical terms can ruin immersion, so apply sparingly.
For the second, allow me to quote
I don't know why you picked here to apply specific terms when Rarity admits she is not a woodworker. Unless it was the one wood she apparently recognizes, she would rate the furnishings rather than the woodwork, perhaps calling it drab, dull or uninspired.
I really only call this out because I have done some woodwork, and it's kind of a pet peeve of mine when someone insists that only one wood is good enough. I actually picture Rarity as a honey maple gal myself, or maybe cherry if she wanted red. (Not that I'm knocking mahogany, it's beautiful, but overrated)
Sorry, got sidetracked trying to redecorate Rarity’s sitting room in my head. Moving on.
The clop scene was really nice, Applejack as a inexperienced lover was well played, but some of the phrasing needs work. Example
The phrasing seems a touch awkward, perhaps simply it to "Applejack's lower body" or even just "Applejack's body".
It's a good story and with a bit of polish could be even better.
4636422
Thanks!
I've changed the "Applejack’s lower part of the body" and replaced it with "Applejack’s lower body."
For other issues, there's nothing much I can do about other than acknowledge them and set them as reminder for the future storytelling.
~Twi
Really sexy and sweet too.
4636496
Thankee
~Twi
4636470
No problem. For most folks the wood thing is likely a non issue.
On dancing stuff, if I knew it well enough to give examples I would.
Thank you for writing this. I enjoyed it.
)
(This site needs more Rarijack
You published it. Sweet Mother of Luna, you actually published it. Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?~
4636499 Well the story itself was well done, but I do have a nit to pick about the choice of dance. From what I've seen of the Apple Clan and their assorted kin, she would be more inclined to learn Line Dance or Square Dance. There's a number of other dances commonly done in a country-western setting, such as Two-Step, Waltz, Cha-Cha and a few other things. But the Tango does not seem to be one of them.
4636591
I don't know how this happened..'
*sniffs his glass* Ma, I don't think this was water.
~Twi
You know.
You do shipfics right.
A rare talent.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Congratulations on the feature!
You definitely deserve it.
4636640
I love nitpicking
Here is a thing: As I've started to write the story, I contemplated the choice of the dances and I've opted for tango. I picked it for several reasons, one of them being hard to learn, since it would involve body gymnastics that Applejack can hardly do, and Rarity had already shown that she had no problems with it.
The next reason for it was that it would get Rarity's attention. The main reason being that tango is named "dance of passion", and Applejack would go out of her way to try to learn it. Whether that would be successful or not, is not the concluding point of the story.
The last, but not least, I also picked Caramel as one of the most popular tango dancer for a good reason as well. Sure, he helps ponies in Ponyville, and sure he might goof things here and there, and he might be a farmer, but that wouldn't stop him from learning tango and being good at it.
My point was that Applejack wouldn't be. And that's the part that drives the beginning of the story.
~Twi
4637041
Thankee, Rares!
~Twi
Congrats on getting featured!
4637387
Oh, I haven't branched out.of TwiDash, trust me. I just had an itch to write my close-second ship. And for the clop? Well... I wanted to write something, that would deepen the relationship with each other through exploration of their sexuality.
'sides. This site needs more stories like this, and not just mindless sex.
~Twi
4637320
Thanks for the huge help
~Twi
great story, this was a wonderful read :)
4637584
Thankee C:
~Twi
shippings......they never stop mensringsforless.com/images/Shipping.jpg
4638029
lol!
All the ships!
julesverne.ca/images/olympic_titanic/olympice.jpg
~Twi
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
Tonight's episode: It Takes Two to Tango
(this is a joke)
4638488
wat.
~Twi
4638492 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-RVW1aC6_U
This fic was totally adoriboo~ I'm glad I got it read before it was featured
A few notes, and forgive me for being too lazy to quote parts of the fic. Firstly, I find Applejacks lack of balance to be a little hard to swallow. Given her athletic lifestyle, seeing her compete in high level tournaments, races and whatnot, I feel it's a little off to say she has a general lack of balance. I'd suggest rewording it slightly to make it more apparent that AJ is simply bad on her hind legs, if you'd like.
Also, Even though I skimmed the clop stuff, I did notice you use the word 'mound' a little frequently.
That's it! Other than that, I loved this fic, Rarijack is one of my faves, but I've not read a really good one for a long while, thanks for fixing that!
4639791
But that's hardly ever implied. AJ losing balance is always followed by her standing on her hind hooves. The one instance that the narrator contemplates the importance of balance, it also occurs right after AJ crashes from standing on her hind hooves, so, given the context, that contemplation is also fine.
Actually, it's used just 8 times throughout the story
~Twi
4640403
Yeah. Reality is often different than stories. But that doesn't necessarily make it any less enjoyable C:
~Twi
4640403
I think it is that because so few writers have curiosity enough to even want to taste real horse juices, let alone have actually done it, that they've defaulted to picking either generically sweet, or specifically suited to the pony. Apple family would all taste like apples in some way, Rainbow Dash would taste spicy (like the liquid rainbow Pinkie tasted in Cloudsdale) and so on.
Then again, maybe it really is sweet like apples, and we know in the same way that we know mares cum buckets (or at least cum more than human women); because one or two early authors had first hand farm experience. Or at least, I assume that's where the knowledge came from.
The alternative is that we have an author somewhere on this site with real experience in Equestria
4640855
~Twi
Still have the last third of the story to finish, but when I read this line...
...I suddenly got a craving for Fruit Loops. Anybody else?
4640403
Well, I know that human man juices have different tastes depending on what they have been eating, maybe ponies aren't too different. They are pretty "human" in many regards.
Anyway, gonna read this sometime soon. Rarijack is what I thrive on.
Okay then so I finally got around to reading this.
And I loved it loved it loved it loved it LOVED IT!!!
My favorite clopfic ever and one of my otps yes yes yes yes!!!! And it matches my sex headcanons for both characters!! So good! I'm reduced to a puddle of fangirly goo right now! You're great. Super great. The greatest.
Loved it, one of my favourite ships done expertly.
A broom stick? ...Ouch
Good story though :3
Ahhhh... fluff romance and lemony goodness... what a perfect combination...
Did you mean Flamenco dance?
4640403 It's a commonly held headcanon that the ponies are scented (and sometimes taste) similar to their coat. Clopfiction doesn't always use this rule, but it is eerily common.
4789759
Indeed I do. I really don't know how that slipped through the cracks... Fixed.
Here's a thing: This isn't limited to ponies and clop. I see tons of this in the normal porn, where female... "juices" taste in the range from honey to a palette of fruits or something like that.
4694274
I fixed that as well. I was pointed that out more than once, so I changed it to avoid further confusion.
~Twi
4798902 Glad I could help! Also I had no idea the taste thing translated to actual porn. Now that's funny! Porn is really very silly whether it's normal or involves cartoon horses.
Like read the sad part with Alleyways by The Neighbourhood playing, made it much more emotional.
*screaming
So I definitely enjoyed reading this! Was a good read. Sexy, sweet, and sensual.
Interesting that you actually had Applejack recoil at her first taste of a mare... That is actually very accurate. It's a bit of an acquired taste... though seafood is a decent metaphor IMO... Never seen that in a clopfic before. I generally try to romanticize that kind of stuff, because it's fiction, and most people don't want to read about someone recoiling from the taste of sexual fluids. Not a criticism, just an observation. :)
Also, a broomstick, even with plastic, seems pretty... ouch. Maybe Applejack's just a tough ol' gal down there or something...
Have to echo what another commenter said regarding the tango scenes. I feel like they could have been fleshed out a little more. Other than that, I think you did a great job!
5392057
I fixed screaming. Now the story is ~20% louder
This...was actually the idea behind the story. A little bounce-back from the generic clop, where a first-timer is god(dess) of sex, and everything is divinely tasty or the pony enjoys every single thing that's thrown at them.
I just wanted to show that it's not a showstopper if you're weirded out here and there or not know what to do. I wanted for people to think a little bit about how things work in reality.
Psh. She had lubrication ^^
Besides, this is kind of my headcanon: AJ lives with a grandmother and a much, much younger sister, that would without a doubt (by herself or with her friends) go and explore things in AJ's room. Also, I believe she's a little too shy to go into a sex shop and buy herself a proper tool.
She's handy pony and she needed something that would relieve her...needs, and at the same time look like an item that wouldn't attract much attention when spotted.
I know. It's just...yeah... I'll keep that in mind for a new story.
~Twi
I read the story and skipped the clop. It was cute. Not much of a fan of lesbian shippings but this was cute nevertheless.
7451862
Heh.
Thank you regardless c:
~Twi