- Member Since 15th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Sep 13th, 2019
Iroh Legoman
US Navy Sailor, aka Iroh A. Boat
Iroh Legoman
Joined 15th Feb, 2014 ·
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Shortie,but a goodie :D dang right!do you need an editor to spellcheck?No offense.
I see potential in this high-school romancit clop. Some errors here and there, missing terms n such, but with the right editor to turn thins into gold. I shall watch this, tis good.
Gotta get this edited, and maybe put a little bit of time into developing it.
6/10, I'll follow to see if it gets better.
4325387 what needs to be edited?
4325401
Work on the flow, use a bit more descriptive words. I think I found a typo or two, but I'd have to re-read to be specific.
For some reason it's not showing up in my read later
4327736 it has been fixed
4327964 Thanks mate
Fuck this straight shit. Get out of my lesbian utopia.
I can't stay up much later, so I'm not opening the story.
Then why did you bother releasing this with only one chapter?
Get to the sexy bits already.
I'll come back to this when you private message me to let me know the clop has arrived. I'm not reading it until then.
4330904 I only have four chapters made. Second will be May 4 or 5
it looks like a bad jap to eng anime edit. No offense, but use more description and flow, a lesson I learned when righting, thinking of getting a second proofreader to check the first
4335309 when writing* damn iPod wouldn't let me edit
4334827
I'm waiting for your clop, then.
It's a good enough start although you're really thin on the details. Your spelling and grammar however need some work. My suggestion is to speak with an editor or at least a good proofreader to help you catch some of those problems.
Also, maybe things are different where you are, but most professors in College don't seem to care if you sleep in class or not. They get paid either way. If you're disrupting things that might be different but I'll admit to dozing in class more than once and never being asked to leave or visit the Dean's office for it.
4337074 Oh, this story needs to go back in the plan 9 folder. Umachan, see the 19 downvotes? Jeez.
4337129
This is not the place for this. I've explained myself in the PM, you're breaking the rules.
Deal with it.
4337074 i know. Canterlot University is different.
(I had to do something, they have to be over 18. Originally it was supoose to be high school)
Pacing's kinda eh...
Okay, first of all, rainbow is way OOC, like I had to stop reading it.
By the way, vote down is because of OOC dash, the element of loyalty, I had high hopes for this, had, good luck on future writings.
4340414
take it easy on the guy he's trying noponies perfect
Ok.... going to be honest. This was a high velocity train ride that slammed into a mountain side. The pacing was way too fast, could have really shelled out alot more character interaction with it and made some good character development. I get the jist of the main character, but the whole "omg wtf make-out session" with scoots was..... off putting. I realize this is a clop story, but to have it be so blatant and bold that a blind man could read it is a little aggravating. I get the whole comforting of scoots, but that kind of thing was just "BAM HERE YA GO" kind of shit. That kind of interaction after just re-uniting after years apart has little place here. The meaning behind what he said could have been as a friend and would have shot their relationship into the shitter if he didn't feel that way. Also the uncertainty of how they may have changed overthe years from being friends would weigh heavily wih most actions like this. But thats just me.... I think I am done with the negative.... onto the positive!
I really enjoy the familiar characters with a bit of a twist. Mr. Cranky Doodle Donkey, being a good one. Also celestia and luna are actual deities going to a mortal form? How fucking cool is that!? The conflicts in this world are similar to the original in the mlp-verse. But I think the characterization is pretty good for the most part and I think time will truly tell. But here's something else.
4340414 I have to disagree with you on the opinion about dash. I actually think it is accurate to the build of this world. Nothing has even been hinted at that nightmare has even threatened to return to this world and with that, the mane 6 aren't bound to the original designs of the bearing of the elements. They hold little power in this world and it does involve humans. So I would have to question about how that has affected the world. By nature humans stand against most of what equestrian society has been based upon. So throwing humans into the mix can have a wide variety of effects. And who knows. Dash may be treating scoots like this because..... they have different fathers? Maybe scoots is part human, part anthropomorphic? That would yield some interesting twists. I like how this is going and can see many roads ahead if this is played out as a sex-heavy story or as an actual story. This is my thoughts and opinions and probably the longest review I have written. But I'm liking this! Or maybe it's just a clopfic and I'm taking this too seriously.
P.S. Pm me of you have anything you want my opinion on. I shall be available to answer when I next check fimfiction if you do. Happy writing!
If humans are involved,why has no one pulled a gun,after coming out of an alleyway?
And to quote a song I once heard:"take my money,take my wallet,take the keys to my car,just don't take the girl."Anyon-pony know the song?
4340588 yeah, and I know, we all started somewhere, but I tried to slow my pacing after my first chapter, for me, when we go from seeing dash being sisterly to scoots in the camping episode (its name escapes me) to dash bing a compleat bitch is too much of a gap. Plus the whole "we where best friends, lets buck" without much or any hint at past emotion is to hard for me to take seriously. Yes I get its his story, but I can't get lost in it, fourth wall breaks are cool and all, but to many take you out of the story, and right as I start to get into it, I get knocked out of it, I'm just giving my opinion, I'm sure he can make a great story, this one just isn't for me.
And to the author, work on pacing, grammar, proof reader (trust me, I got one, and I'm sure the greats have them) just to check ya know, good luck with future writings.
4342758 will do
Sleepless on Ponyville
It has been almost two months since they meet (was also suppose to be in high school)
Spoiler for chapter 5 (for your understanding): she was in heat
4343099 I guess I could try to give it a second chance.
Hmmmmmmm okay.Good chapter.
Pacing is still fast, there's still a lot of grammatical errors, and it's shorter than spike.
You had my attention, but you've lost it.
4380943 what do you mean 'shorter that spike'?
Also, I posted this in between coming home from school and going to work. Edits will be made, possibly tomorrow
Pacing should show down in Chapter 5. I am thing a max of 10 chapters
I have to say it is okay but it's just to short for the first time ever I hadn't cared about grammar errors
Who would've ever thought being caught in a life-and-death situation be made so kinky?
Your getting better, it's mostly grammar errors now, and try stretching it out a little more.
It's a good start. You're not the first to have the same run of the mill grammar problems so ill give you a like and a follow for motivation ^^
4393019 could you point out some of the problems please? If you do, pm them to me. Please?;)
4390305
*you're
4397062
I should have seen that mistake.
NICE!! Another bloody awesome chapter, mate! Keep up the good work.
4415178 thank you
4389240 Bow chicka bow wow
Woah, where is the romance dude?
Why is it always a bullet??... Its a bullet that pierced his chest causing the pain... Am I right?
4471056 What?
Ahaha... Typical I-don't-know-how-to-talk-to-girls guy...
4471152 First, it was an arrow to the chest
Second whe i wrote chapters 1, 2, 3, it was high school
Glad you are liking it
4389240
You said it, buddy XD
Woooooooooow, a foursome... I think I know why the CMC agreed to do it, must be because of 'Cutie Mark Crusaders, Pleasure Givers!!!' XD
I'm not one for clop, but for some odd ridiculous reason. I am tempted to read this.
WHYYYYYY???? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!
no offense to you its just... I.Don't. Like. Clop. and this shouldn't be an exception!
maybe its because I am (or just was) a freshman. this is just weird
4340414 ahhh... sorry my comrade ,iroh, but, im with this guy you do not want to make a MAIN CHARACTER OOC.
odly enough this was what made me stop reading. BEFORE THE CLOP!