• Member Since 6th May, 2013
  • offline last seen April 24th

sbloom85


MSTifying ponies since 2012.

T
Source

After being betrayed by her old boss, young Coco is recruited into a new gang of criminals and low-lives. Her job? Do what her new boss says, or else. Living by this creed, she starts to take the streets of Manehatta‚Äčn. But, when some old friends with a grudge aim to take her new boss's life and Coco's along with her, they must learn to live and fight together, or die...

Prereaders: maxxxxxx and F1utt3rshy
Editors: CogWing and Dont Look At My Name Bro.
Set in the 1950's.

This story originally belonged to Manes, hopefully I will do the rest of this justice.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 31 )

YAY IT'S OUT!!!! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: I can't wait to read it soon!!!

Something happened to the picture. :unsuresweetie:
Also, +1 from me, as usual :twilightsmile:

4334519
What's wrong with the picture?

4334523 For some reason it's very tall on my screen. Might be my computer? Not sure. So weird.

4334524
Oh I did that. So it's like that on everyone's computer.

4334529 Oh. It just seems a little weird like that. As long as it's not my screen messing up, I'm good!

Well, this was awesome!

I'm in will keep eyes on this. So far pretty good.

Hmm... Coco trading one crime family for another? This should be interesting.

Comment posted by sbloom85 deleted May 4th, 2014

Interesting. I look forward to more.

Hell yeah! Good job there Manes!

aCB

Here's my take:

Good -

I love the film noir style. I don't see a lot of pony fics with it. Film noir's usually have a lot of internal monologue, but I can understand why you would save it for later chapters.
- Applejack is delightfully badass.
- You make me want to know more.

Bad -

- some if the dialog feels a little cliche
- Applejack never identified herself to Coco, and yet Coco knew her name. I know it's obvious to the audience, so it would be fine in a third person fic, but in 1st person, the narration can only be stuff that the narrator knows.
- I would have started the opening a little earlier. It would allow you to introduce the readers to the characters and settings (is it Earth with ponies? Is is the gang scene of Equestria? Something else? How about Suri? I feel like you could have made me hate her a lot more if I knew more about her) the way you did it isn't wrong, but if you wanted to keep it like this to have a hard, drop-in action opening, it might have been beneficial to explain what was happening immediately afterwards. The exception to this is if you purposefully wanted to keep the events before Coco got shot a secret for a plot twist later. If this is the case, please disregard :twilightsmile:

I'm going to stop here, because my phone is wigging out from all the text. I like it so far. :pinkiehappy:

Coooooool.

I like where this is going. Continue on, my friend!

I do have a little gripe about the artwork and the story, just a minor one.

The period clothing in the artwork looks like it's set in the 1930s whereas the story is set in the 50s. That's my only issue and like I said, it's a minor one.

Can't wait to find out what the Apple family does. Cider smuggling among other things perhaps?

Definately like it, there's a lot of potential that can be had for the future chapters and I look forward to reading those as well. Just some slight cliche stuff I noticed, but don't forget that cliches can be a cool fun thing to do (I don't think people are going to get tired of slow-motion in action movies, or the classic 'a single tear slid down on their face'), but I definately have to say you made Applejack into a bonafide badass :ajsmug:

4335405
Sorry for the long reply. Thanks for your feedback:twilightsmile:

*dresses up in long trench coat and starts watching from a shadowy corner*

I like it.
You have my like, and my waiting-for-more mode has been activated. :rainbowdetermined2:

Hmm, I really like the story so far and I look forward to more chapters. Make sure you write more soon! :heart:

Coco is the most adorable mobster.

all of my yes.

This is relevant to my interests.

I shall follow this.

4341607

I'll be honest, I only came here because of that picture.
That stuff's pure badassery :rainbowlaugh:

4341610

When may I expect an update oh great and powerful master? :rainbowwild:

4341612
In time my friend:moustache:in time.

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