Warning: Contains diapers and wetting. If those subjects aren't to your liking, I highly suggest you avoid this story. You have been warned.
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It has been a while since you arrived at Ponyville, although your occasionally actions have left a bittersweet tastes in most ponies mouths, you really don't mean anything by it. However, you tend to still find ponies that genuinely enjoy your company.
Recently you have met Lyra, a young, somewhat eccentric mare that has asked you out on a date, how will these events will unfold is a mystery to even you.
Chapters (2)
I decided to upload this silly little story on here, it's still incomplete and my writing needs a lot of work, but I hope you enjoy it.
Comments and criticism is of course welcomed.
Fluffy and cute. I especially like your characterization of Lyra as somewhat childish. It's a change from the "conspiracy theorist" and/or "Human fetishist" Lyra.
Two problems:
1.) Give the Human a name! Please! Anything, just not "Anon"!
2.) You are capitalizating non-proper nouns.
Thanks, I will have those two problems changed immediately.
Also, I'm not sure if having the story be written in second person is a good idea. I am very inexperienced after all.
A good start so far, looking forward to seeing where this is going.
Loved it <3 but please give the human a name I find anon just ruins it but other then that I can't wait for the next chapters :)
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Done, our hero's name is now... John!
keep going the way you are its awesome story now that the human has a name it will be even better I think your doing a good job At a writing in second person view
Okey dokey then...
*backs out the door slowly*
I'm sorry, but Smosh already made a joke about how Michel Bay ruins movies.
I enjoyed it. Lyra as a character is really developed, and you get how she feels and acts.
My main criticism is the dialog. All the characters talk in formal, grammatically correct sentences that make them seem like they're waiters at a restaurant or something. People don't actually talk like that, and when you take time to consider how different characters talk differently, you can use that to make them unique and stand out.
My last thing's more of a question: Is Bon Bon just Lyra's housemate and friend here? Or is it an open relationship? They seem really close.
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Yes, my dialogue is atrocious and I feel like it really hurts the story. It didn't feel right when I was writing it, I should've spent more time working on making it flow right.
The dialogue feels a bit wooden, but it shouldn't be too hard to improve. I really need to go back and redo it when I get the time. Thank you for making this so obvious to me.
You are correct in thinking that Bon Bon and Lyra are very close. I did intend to suggest that they have an open relationship in the first part, but I think I didn't execute that very well. Their relationship will be explored more in the second part.
I am glad you didn't spot any glaring grammatical errors, I am very prone to making dumb mistakes.
This should be marked as anthro as well.
Finally completed Chapter 2, work was really draining me, but I somehow managed to make some progress towards this story. Let me know if the story's direction feels right or not and if any parts feel like it is rushed by me.
Too bad I already faved and upped this, now I can't do it again.
I like where this is going
Damn libraries always pissing me off
Wow. An author who has Rainbow Dash actually being LOYAL instead of being a plot point.
aweebitirish.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/chuck-norris-thumbs-up.jpg
You son of a b****, that scene has "Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney" Written all over it! Love the game though.
Oh is Alice here yet...she's not coming... is she?
( Completely unrelated)