A unknown phenomenon transports Andrew and his house to an unknown land. Faced with dwindling supplies and completely alone, Andrew must somehow survive in a world untouched by mankind and technology and coexist with its inhabitants.
Note: Will add characters as they appear in the story, and humans and ponies do NOT speak the same language.
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Interesting please continue :)
Oh my God, I love this.
You know the difference between clips and magazines? Amazing. That puts you ahead of 90% of the internet.
he seams a little light on ammo.
Good story, looking forward to more.
@totallynotabrony Yes I do actually, haha. I would like to make my stories as accurate as possible. Besides, I am a military history aficionado. Expect it to come into play further along the story... ( IE What happens what you introduce ponies to Sun Tsu's The Art of War?)
Hey guys I appreciate the comments, thanks for reading! Please feel free to give me input and criticize, I am looking for feedback to improve!
Some things I'm looking for input on : The narration- is it too dense? boring? any errors? did i stretch the Willing Suspension of Disbelief? Is the omniscient view and they way i put thoughts down good?
Characters- is Andrew believable? I want to explore the psychological reactions for him more as well....I get the feeling that the 3rd person view gives the story a more detached view, and it seems impersonal...
I could go on, but let me know what you guys think!
Note: I am thinking of doing a revision of this chapter to incorporate some insights I have had since I have first written this... For instance notice how I left the details regarding the electric vehicle and the dog intentionally vague.
398871
i'm not a author so i cant realy give to tips in these directions,
but if you want to reply to someone it is usefull to click the reply button in the upper right of their comment.
1) it notifces the one you replied to
2) everybody sees who you replied to
3) everybody sees that you replied to his comment
398943 Ahhhhh I see! thanks for the tip!
When I saw that the house came along with him I was expecting there to be electrical power, internet and whatever else most others put in when they do this type of scenario. Glad to see I was mistaken. it going to be interesting in how he is to hunt for food and other resources, even more interesting when he runs out of ammunition and perhaps tries to construct a bow and some arrows. Gonna be funny to see the screw-ups.
But we're all pretty much waiting for the first contact between him and the ponies. Or if he even has any knowledge of MLP: FiM in the first place. All we can do is wait for the next chapter and I can tell you that I'm looking forward to it.
398954
I loved it! Favorited it. The only thing i saw were grammar mistakes throughout the story. They were mostly all minor. So no big deal. Great job on it!
well as soon as he took the handgun out i was happy continue please and ill agree with oldtimeydude a knife and bow would be a good idea when the guns run out actually a machete would be optimal for a melee weapon because the everfree is like a jungle so it would help to cut down the bountiful vegetation also its a good blade for fighting and since its the MLP universe dont forget about the creatures like hydras and manticores they are greek mythology or maybe roman idk one of the two id suggest researching the mythology they originate from for creature ideas he may experience
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There is actually electric power provided by solar panels, but they are nothing more than a supplementary power source for limited amounts of time. As for the bow, arrows, knife and other equipment, we shall see what will happen over the course of the story. I will say though that he is not equipped with a machete, as far as I could tell from the demo, the everfree was not as dense as say the amazonian jungle, being more akin to north american or european forests, which makes brush clearing equipment like the machete unnecessary.
Well, that clears some things up, though when it comes to his refridgerator and storing food, there would be some definite problems when if it sprung a leak and started letting out refridgerant. That would not be an item you could really find in the FiM world. And what do you mean having a machete is unnecessary? Why WOULDN'T it be necessary to have a machete?! I'd have rather have it just in case something comes up and starts making the situation a little hairy.
your story your rules i just see the everfree like that because if i remeber right in the show they said the everfree grows uncontrollably and i saw some vines and suc in the multiple episodes they are in the everfree so no machete what about a simple combat knife?
418912
From my own experience, vegetation in North American is not very dense, and I am basing my own model of the everfree on that and what I have seen on the show, which means that a machete would not be necessary in order to clear vegetation. That doesn't mean a machete would not come in handy, but you have to remember that no one has every possible tool at their disposal. Andrew does not have a machete for the same reason that he does not own a myriad of other items, he simply did not have a plausible reason to own such equipment.
418939
The next chapter will explain more and further explore what other equipment he possesses.
Well just thinking about the fun you could have with machete is entertaining enough I suppose. Though when you go making that list or such of whatever else he has; don't make it all specific to the detail. Try and make it like he's only really mentioning it in passing, but also add some like:
"He looked around the garage for something useful he could use. There! His dad's old bowie knife, hidden under some rags. He walked over and pulled it out and took a closer look. Heh, still as sharp as ever, dad always did take good care of his stuff. Should be useful if something happens or if he was lucky enough to catch some food. Now if only he could find the sheath..."
Something like that. Keeps the flow going and its making the story even longer and adds some more depth to the story. You could add on some miscellaneous things to it but if you add some stuff like the above example it should go along a lot better. The whole extremely descriptive, down to their bare model number and other product specifications gets a little tedious and is something I've seen way to many times, especially in sci-fi or war fics. It just really detracts from the story and takes you back out into reality instead of staying in the story. If you try it like this it should come out feeling a bit better than before.
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Thanks for the advice oldtimey, I'll certainly keep that in mind as I write the story (currently doing so right now actually). I understand where you are coming from- the main reason I decided against the machete (I certainly considered it, I did play L4D2 and read about many survival stories) was that I didn't want Andrew to be over-prepared. I figured giving him too much stuff would be akin to have the sonic screw driver from Doctor Who. Andrew will simply have to get creative with what he has when he encounters the obstacles I'm planning for him *evil smile*.
Oh, and there will be more ponies next chap. MOAR.
love it.
A truley great fic so far, i just can't wait to see what will happen next.
Want more please
554967
Oh the irony of just me finished reading your latest story update haha. I'm sorry for the delay guys, I haven't given up on the story, but I am getting killed by college right now. Between studying for exams and hwk, I can barely get 6 hours sleep these days. But don't worry, this story is still alive!
a> run update.exe
More?
Its been a year
"Untouched by technology"
So I'm assuming then, that this takes place in the past before Luna's banishment? No wait, you'd have to even go further back than that. Perhaps to before the Alicorns were even born.
If they have a Steam Engine, that's technology. (rewinding further back) If they can forge armors and weapons, that's technology. (rewinding a little more) If they can ROAST FOOD ON AN OPEN FIRE, that's a form of it as well, because a campfire is an artificial construction, even if the materials used to start the fire are natural as Flint and Steel don't usually strike one another in nature and start a fire, and sticks don't rub one another fast enough in nature to start one either.
Still, nitpick aside, I do intend to read it.
Kind of curious which Pandora he was referring to, avatar or borderlands?
Chistes sobre yanquis y armas viniendo.