Get me outta here!
I blinked open my eyes and sat up. A pair of big, purple eyes looked into mine.
“Wow, I can’t believe it! Lyra was right all along!” Twilight Sparkle exclaimed, “Humans are real.”
“Twilight? The pony from that show?” I muttered, my head throbbing from whatever force brought me here.
“And a female, too,” she noted happily, “Come on! Princess Celestia told me that if my spell worked, I was to bring you to the Golden Oaks Library as soon as possible.”
“Why?” I asked as I stood up and followed her through the pastel colored landscape.
“She wants to have a proper diplomatic introduction for our first meeting with an alien.”
“Oh, okay.”
We traipsed through the town I recognized as Ponyville, all its colorful inhabitants staring at me with amazement. I started to feel a little self-conscious. Before long, we reached the towering tree-home. Twilight opened the door and eagerly beckoned me inside.
“Have a seat on the couch,” she instructed, “The princess will be here shortly.”
“Uhm, okay…”
I sat stiffly on the couch as she sat beside me. Right beside me. Like, practically on my lap. I coughed. Haven’t ponies ever heard of personal space? It was already freaky enough just being here.
“So, you used magic to bring me here?” I asked, trying to distract myself from the uncomfortable situation.
“Yep. I tried using a new spell I learned in order to reach out to other universes, but I’m not sure I was able to connect properly. I had intended to bring several more humans here. Maybe, uh…” she trailed off, suddenly blushing slightly. I was utterly confused.
“What?”
“Maybe if you touch my horn, it will help me get a feeling for your universe. I might be able to do better next time. Please?”
How can I say no to big puppy-dog eyes like that? I hesitantly reached out and touched the base of her horn with the tip of my finger. It was hard and strangely warm. She grunted softly.
“I don’t feel anything,” she said, “Maybe if you grab the whole thing…”
Feeling incredibly uncomfortable, I grasped her horn with my whole hand. I could almost feel the magic pulsing through it.
“Mmm…” she breathed, her eyes closed, “Now rub it, please.”
“What!?”
“Please? It helps a lot.”
Closing my eyes, I began to rub her horn. I was feeling incredibly dirty. There was something wrong with this pony. Was I teleported to some gross fanfiction-inspired universe by accident?
“Twilight! I came as quick as I could,” called a voice from the doorway.
I breathed a sigh of relief and let go of Twilight’s horn. She groaned as we both turned toward the door. Princess Celestia stood there in all her splendor, her beautiful white wings open.
“Am I… interrupting something?” she asked.
“No, your highness.”
“Good. I am Princess Celestia, ruler of this land.” She bowed slightly. “You must be the human I have heard about.”
“Yes, your highness. My name is Abigail.” I bowed in return.
“Please, call me Tia,” she smiled, “Come, let us go to the meeting room.”
I followed the alicorn up the stairs, trying my best not to look at her rump as I followed her. Stupid naked ponies. We shortly came to… a bedroom. Damn it. Very slowly, the princess removed her vestments and laid on the bed, her rear facing me, with a sultry smile on her face. My mouth hung open from the sheer shock of it all.
“Like what you see?” she asked, misinterpreting my body language.
Behind us, a soft knock came from the door.
“Princess?” Twilight called from behind it, “Do you need anything? Can I come in?”
“No, Twilight,” she called back, slightly miffed, “Just leave us be for, I don’t know… an hour or two?” She smirked in my direction.
Okay, I had enough. I was putting my foot down, right now.
“Princess, I don’t know what you’re planning to do. Actually, yes I do. But I’m sorry to say that I’m straight.”
“Straight?” she asked, thoroughly confused.
“Yes, so I’m afraid I don’t desire to, uh, have sex with you.”
“Oh,” she muttered, suddenly looking very downcast. I felt guilty. I know what it’s like to be rejected, and I could see that feeling reflected in her eyes. But at least now everypony will know that I’m…
“It’s because I’m white, isn’t it?”
“No, I’m—what?” I stammered.
“It’s okay. I understand that everyhuman has preferences.”
“That’s not…”
“My sister is of a more ebony complexion, if you prefer the dark meat. I can summon her here, if you want.”
“But…”
“But you’ll let me watch, won’t you?”
“AHHHHH!”
I screamed at the top of my lungs. Why is everypony a homosexual? It’s driving me nuts! I ripped open the bedroom door and bolted past Twilight, whose ear had been placed against it. She blushed deeply. I couldn’t care less. Flying out of the door of the library, I started running away from all the candy colored houses. I had to find a stallion, god damn it, if just so they would listen to me long enough to help me get back to Earth!
I was knocked over by a rainbow with such force that I tumbled over myself several times, landing in a heap of mud with a blue pony laying on top of me. Damn it.
“Hey, sorry about that,” the pegasus said, “I was on my way to Twilight’s. I heard… Anyway, uh, what’s going on?”
“Rainbow Dash,” I groaned, my ribs burning, “What do you want?”
“Oh, nothing,” she lied, “Do you want to hang out? I was going to practice some tricks, maybe you'd like to watch?"
"That's it?" A pony who wanted to do something non-cloppy with me? What?
"Well, then I was hoping maybe you’d like to get some drinks? Head back to my place? Have freaky alien lesbian sex?”
Of course. “Rainbow Dash, you’re not being the least bit subtle.”
“What’s that?”
“Subtlety, Rainbow Dash,” called another voice, “Is when you don’t just state your intentions to the person you are trying to bed.” I turned around to see Rarity the unicorn casually trotting towards us. “Really, Rainbow, I’m surprised you’ve gotten any mare at all, with talk like that.”
“Hey, at least I get to the point,” she answered angrily.
“Come now, my dear,” Rarity turned towards me, ignoring her, “You look positively dreadful. You’re all muddy from your encounter with the flying battering ram here. Let’s get you back to my shop and get you out of those dirty clothes…”
“NO NO NO NO NO NO!” I screamed, dashing off as fast as I could.
“…and try on some of my—where’d she run off to?”
I ran. My mind was numb. These horny ponies were driving me mad! I dashed by the market, where Applejack called something out to me. I ignored her. I already knew what she wanted. I dashed by Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie Pie blasted me with confetti as I passed. I kept running and running, avoiding mares left and right. Were there no stallions in this homosexual town? Were there no asexuals? Or ponies that didn’t want to get laid right now?
At long last, my legs gave out, and I stumbled. I breathed heavily, lying on the ground, a hair’s breadth away from passing out. Sighing in defeat, I pulled myself to the nearest bench and sat panting. In my exhaustion, I didn’t notice that the bench was already occupied.
“Oh my Celestia,” the mint unicorn gasped, “Are you, I mean, can it be?”
“Yes, I’m a girl,” I groaned. Screw this. It would probably be easier just to let myself get molested than keep running from the entire population.
“That’s so cool!” she said, making a Dash-face.
“That’s great, Lyra,” I deadpanned, “You mind if I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Is every pony in this world a homosexual?”
“Pretty much,” she smiled, “Everypony but me.”
I did a double take. “You’re not?”
“Nope! Everypony else is, though. I frankly don’t understand it.”
“You and me both!” I laughed ecstatically.
“Hey, this may sound kind of weird,” she said, “But, uhm… do you mind if I look at your hands?”
I shrugged. She grinned and grabbed my right hand in her hooves, prodding and bending every finger and tracing the lines of my palm. It kind of tickled. I turned my head and giggled at the feeling.
“I’m glad I finally have somepony who isn't completely crazy to talk to,” I started, “I was…”
I stopped quickly. My fingers were suddenly very warm, and wet. I yanked them out of her mouth angrily.
“I thought you said you weren’t homosexual!?” I yelled.
“I’m not,” Lyra smiled, “I’m homo-sapien-sexual.”
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Can't tell if parody of MWWaHC or just immaculate timing.
~Dash The Stampede
He he, made me giggle
Meh, not bad.
4317459
It would be the timing, since I have no idea what MWWaHC is.
4317478
A link to the parasprite's blog here will tell you all you need to know about it. It was a bastardization of Equestria and has since been deleted, but there's that one called i_want_a_son_or_daughter.php or something like that that is a grand parody of it.
go forth and see how ridiculously close this is to parody!
~Dash The Stampede
4317495
Yeah, after I read the review, I can definitely see some parallels. I was just mocking HiE's in general, but the last couple of lines did fit the bestiality/homosexuality argument made in the review. It was an interesting read in any case. Thanks for linking it!
Feels strange having "Human woman" when there are expected terms for a female and male horse. Woman is only when talking about humans, unless the story is about Anthros. but even then the writer would understand that calling, for instance "Rainbow Dash a charming woman" would make reader suspect they are reading an Equestria girls fanfic and not a Mlp:fim one.
You would go out of your way to type "male penis" would you? Female Horses are mares, or fillies. and a female human is a woman.
"A woman gets transported to Equestria."
or "A female human gets transported to Equestria."
I'm not sure if you are going for A. the pony punned everybody which is, everypony, or B. Are you saying every single pony in Equestria is full or part homosexual? (If B. disregard this.)
4317587
Would I go out of my way to say "male penis"? Yes I would. On FimFiction, if there is a penis in a fic, it is just as likely to be a futa.
And I had meant to say "female human", but the words got jumbled up in my jumbled mind.
Also, the answer is B.
Sequel?
4317637 :V!
For some reason my mind forgot Futa existed...
I have a large frown on my face from the effort of deciding whether I should laugh.
4317907
...
?
4317916
Yes.
Shouldn't she be concerned that she wants a stallion? That would likely kill her.
4318045
Horses have big penises but the ponies are canonically not that big. Head canon can vary, but pretty much all of the math estimations people have made from screenshots suggest the stallions are only as tall as, from the top of the head to the bottom of the hoof, about 4'2" or 4'5" at best. Their penis is somewhere from ten inches to twelve inches, but actual horses don't push in past the medial ring, which is about halfway down. So you're looking at five to six inches at best of expected length being worked, unless the woman is willing to let them try and fit more in, and some people can manage that with practice and an interest in doing so.
Even if it were bigger, it wouldn't be that much bigger (it has to withdraw into their body, which is where it goes when it's in the sheath, and pony torsos aren't that long.) So no. It won't kill her. Not if she has a pony who is, you know, loving and gentle instead of a vicious rapist murderer. Honestly.
4318136
Thank you. I wasn't sure how to respond to that...
4318136
Ummm....
Thanks for the info, I guess?
4318146 4318157
No problem. Sorry, I really like stallion/woman and I've had some interesting conversations with Ara. Also, I've read some info and looked at all of those size charts sprinkled around the internet. That's what I've assessed, anyway.
4318136 memecrunch.com/meme/58Y6/that-s-what-you-think/image.png
cmi.memecdn.com/620/3669620.gif
4318662
Then tell me how big a pony mare's vagina is.
Although I'll concede that screenshot calculation isn't perfect, so I probably shouldn't say it's exact by saying it's canon. I'll admit that was a fault of mine. The evidence tends to extend in that direction though.
Regardless, we're talking about ponies who are sapient. If they can't fit their penis into her vagina, there are other methods of having sex. So I stand by my assessment that a conscientious and/or loving stallion isn't going to kill her.
Plus, it's a world of magic... if they ain't got spells for proportional dicks or proportional vaginas, I don't know what they've got.
4318136
Part of the reason that stallions don't go all the way is probably simple biology. I think that normally it's not physically possible for them to. With a woman, who has more flexibility in/around the pelvis, it might be possible to go much further, so any stallion with a woman would have to be extra careful that she's actually able/ready.
4319055
Ummm... yeah. Mares can control the tightness of their vagina considerably. That's how they keep it clamped shut normally, to keep fecal matter out of it when they take a dump. Winking is the process of opening and closing the thing intentionally to catch the stallion's eye.
As for women, they have flexibility, but if you're talking about my hypothesis on having say a 12 inch penis (they have short torsos, compared to an actual horse, so this is a proportional estimate based on real horse and pony penis sizes, but we'll just roll with this one), and the medial ring is about 6 inches down... Now, the human penis is on average something about 6 inches. We'll say this woman has a vagina built for taking that kind of length. If we're talking flexibility, I'm assuming it has less to do with her vagina, necessarily (other than learning how to take bigger items), and more about positioning, since more positions are possible with a magical pony than a real pony, small size or not.
I am assuming if it's a case of depth stopping them, then it's going to be the same in the mare as it is in the woman, unless you're referring to something else? I concede that positions could make a huge difference, as well as any experience with larger objects on the woman's end. Otherwise, I'm just kind of assuming the biological size is going to stop them as much as the mare's biological size would stop them.
Help me out if I'm just majorly derping here.
4319190
You kind of are derping.
What I meant was that when a stallion mounts a mare there's a point at which his knees hit her haunches and he simply can't go any deeper.
A woman has more pelvic flexibility and would find it easier to pass that point.
I think a stallion would have to be much more careful because "going too deep" would be a real issue.
Don't read the comments! I wish I didn't
4319244
So wouldn't doggy-style create the same situation?
4319339
Seems likely to me.
Some positions would probably be more dangerous than others given the different biologies. But like you said, a considerate stallion would be careful.
4319244
Also, if that's the problem... wouldn't that mean that pony mares can't have sex in any other position either? I mean, my estimation puts the mare's vagina at roughly the same size... So how does she deal with it? Unless she has a vagina that can take all of those twelve inches? But then how big is her torso? Although really, I am probably assuming a size that could be bigger than his torso. It's awkward all around.
4319423
Yeah. It really comes down to working out a solution of sorts. And I don't think it would kill her regardless, unless he was trying to. It would just be very uncomfortable if he got careless.
Lol! And what great timing too, being posted around the same time as The Mare Who Wants a Human Child.
Though I know this is a joke fic, but tell me, if the entire population of Equestria is homosexual, how do they reproduce?
4319335
Oh no! I should've believed your warning.
4319429
It's not that they can't. The equine shape is just more suited for that particular position. So yes, if ponies started trying other positions they would probably run into the same problems. It's just that a human will still find it easier to achieve most of those positions just because of basic biology.
Also, I've heard that mares are more "elastic" so they, themselves, may be in less danger.
4319456
Futa for mares, buttbabies for stallions.
It keeps getting worse!
4319010
I was simply implying that your oppinion is well stated and eloquently thought out, but because there are no hard facts on any part of this subject, the truth will remain a mystery until hard evidence of a cartoon pony's phallus size is discussed in one or more episodes of our fandoms' prefered television series.
4319010
And holy shit! Are we arguing over how big a pony's dick is?
I think we all better back off and think in our corners for a while.
4319935
4319949
Me too.
Friends?
This story delivered everything that I expected.
Have an upvote.
4319561
They're ponies with much less restrictive anatomy than a real horse, though. They can move their front limbs in ways that a true pony never could and rear up much better and dance. I'm beginning to think they might have developed a somewhat smaller penis size because of that kind of motion capability allowing more options. But who knows?
I'll grant you the elastic thing, because I've heard that too.
4319913
Sorry. I don't like the automatic assumption that it would kill a woman, thus preventing her from being with a stallion. It strikes me as somewhat prejudiced towards man/mare over stallion/woman. Of course there would be complications to either option, but I wanted to discuss that in more depth than "LOL she'll die." I'm not trying to create a fuss.
4319952
Yes. Sorry, I'm feeling moody at the moment and I just tend to be passive-aggressive.
4319981
Thank you for your upvote, sir.
Did "everything you expected" include a comment section full of speculations about horse phallus's?
4320289
You would be surprised at what I expect, good sir!
Though if there's ever a website on the Internet where the comments section might spontaneously devolve into an in-depth discussion around cartoon horse genitalia, it's this one.
This may have been the work of a drunken irishman, but I love it.
You feel stupid for writing it and I feel stupid for reading it... and getting a few laughs on it.
Nice way to kill a few minutes
This was stupid. However, in my experience, stupid comedy is the best kind of comedy.
Did you write this whole story JUST to make that joke at the end?
Yaay, a Shaggy Dog story where the whole point is no dog, and no shaggy.
Okay, this story is awesome.