Anon In Equestria Story.
Flying and defending one’s own nation is a respectable not to mention impressive job. So it comes to no surprise that you out of all people would be the one sitting in the seat of a F-22 raptor. The sky’s the limits, and on May 31st you find yourself on a mission that will not only brake these boundaries, but change your perspective on the universe, when you find yourself crash landing in the Ponyville river.
Anon X Rainbow Dash Story
Read the comments at your own volition
Chapters (19)
very nice
once again; a military pilot human who dies in a dogfight and winds up in Equestria story. I'm getting really sick of seeing this concept. Just once, i'd like to see a commercial pilot, or a astronaut or even a hot air balloonist! I'll give this the benifit of the doubt as im a sucker for humanXdash (which is what i assume this is going to end up as) but considering this concept is a dime a dozen your going to have to pull something really amazing with this.
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I see your point, but look at the other types of HiE fics. They've been done plenty more times than these and they're still being written.
Let me guess, he'll somehow get his wings back and fly with dash, it then evolves into a human x dash fac and they live happily ever after?
Human stories are getting stale
I'm going to keep an eye on this, but you need to use commas more often. The sentences are a bit too long and could use them for breaking at times.
Also, the paragraphs are humungus. Try to reduce their size whenever you can.
You do realize how small all your distances are right. Especially where flight is concerned, let alone driving a car.
First off, in your description you state that Anon is enlisted despite calling him LT in the story. Enlisted personnel are not allowed to be pilots.
So if Anon is an LT, the captain is only one rank above him. I find it hard to believe an O2 would feel obligated to call an O3 "Sir," especially in a laid-back flight squadron.
Most of the sentences start with "you." Some start with "I." So is this a second or first person story?
I have no idea why a person would get called Arco because he came from a rich family. If there's a joke there, you aren't explaining it very well.
Preflight briefings are long and detailed, because if you're going to fly a $150 million jet into combat, you can't just hop in an go.
You also can't just go out to the plane and start it up. Aircraft, particularly the F-22, are finicky and by regulation require ground crew to help anyway.
Even before you get a lock on enemy planes with your radar, they know you're there. It's called a Radar Warning Receiver.
You'd also never fire a missile within a few hundred feet - especially considering the AMRAAM can shoot a few dozen miles. Your Boom and Zoom is interesting, but unsuited for the situation.
And there's no way you could have a missile explode 10 feet away and do no damage. Even the smallest air to air missiles have warheads of at least fifteen pounds of explosive.
White smoke came from all sides of the aircraft - unless there's a serious problem, I think you actually mean the condensation from low pressure.
Why is your altitude in feet and your speed in km/h? The United States Air Force measures speed in knots.
It's pretty clear that you read a lot of military stuff and you had quite a few good facts in there. You should have kept reading, though, or glossed over things you didn't know instead of writing something wrong.
As for the writing itself, spellcheck would have helped you a lot. I noticed a lot of small errors.
You aren't the worst writer ever. Keep practicing and you'll get better. I'm going to follow this and see where it goes. I'd be happy to answer questions if you had any.
Thanks everyone for the comments. I really appreciate the feedback.
May I say that I literally facepalmed when I read Totalynotabrony's and Spec Jakco post. I can't believe I overlooked all those facts. I will have to rewrite and reconstruct this prologue. (In the near future)
Onyx1998, I agree and will reduce the size or just reconstruct.
As for this being a overused concept, I agree. However I will be putting some twists to the story, that I hope will separate this story from others. And for darkhuntsman695's comment, you will just have to wait and find out if your assumption is right.
Lastly, for when the next part will come. As soon as I'm done moving into my new house, and get the internet working. Because as of now I am typing this comment on my phones data.
I have been wondering, why are so many characters named anon?It makes me skip entire stories.
Yea man this is a nice story defiantly going to fallow this one. cant wait till chapter 4
Awesome fic bro
please make more
Awesome story bro
can't wait for the next one
Sorry it took me a while to get back to FIMfiction. On to Chapter 2:
Just where is he getting a rifle from? That's not part of standard survival gear. It should also be a military-issue M16. The Desert Eagle is not a very good service weapon, on top of it not being issued. The days of pilots bringing their own weapons are over. He should probably be carrying an M9 or M11.
you upholster your AR-15 - "upholstery" is a fancy word for furniture. You also wouldn't be holstering a rifle. If anything, it would be hanging from a sling.
The moon is still up high in the night sky, and is now accompanied by rain clouds - But if there are clouds, then how can you see the moon?
The format isn't consistent. Sometimes there are indents, sometimes not. Sometimes there is space between paragraphs, sometimes not.
Again, spell check would have helped.
The underwater ejection video was interesting.
Chapter 3:
Rubbing alcohol doesn't bubble in a wound. You're thinking of hydrogen peroxide.
Also...why couldn't a hungry pony just eat grass?
Thanks again everyone for the comments. I will be working on pushing out the next chapters soon. As for now I have to deal with collage stuff, but will be done this week (education comes first in all). For chapter five I will be changing the way I present dialog, I think for the better. As for the comments, here are some answers.
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Alcohol bubbling: When I was a kid my parents used it on me and it bubbled white. So that's where I got the description from. I'm pretty sure it was just the air mixing in with the liquid as it contacted my skin and was not a actual chemical reaction. Thanks for the information.
RD not simply eating grass: I thought of that while making the whole 'moral' part. I never pictured Dash or anypony from mlp eating grass right off the ground, so I left it out (Headcanon). I know they eat the stuff from the show but they never ate it from the ground.
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AR-15: Too tell you the truth its just a item for the story.
Desert Eagle: I agree that pilots hold the m9 or m11. However I wanted to show that Anon was not like the rest of the pilots.
Upholstery: Not gonna lie I laughed so hard when I read the definitions. Thanks for pointing that out.
Moon being seen: I should of described that part more. Anon can see the moon's glow through the clouds as well as its not 100% cloudy. Just another reminder to put more detail in.
Format: I type on Microsoft Word then import it to Fimfiction. Sadly the import is not 100% the same and I have to go over the formatting again. I'm not blaming Word I'm blaming myself for being lazy.
Spell check: Agreed, my spelling needs a lot of work and spell check cant seem to pick up the problems.
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Thanks for the support will keep writing
I think you might have dozed off there holding a XD or it's showing him checking his watch
4428607 Because they don't have a name for them so they are called Anonymous or shortened Anon
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The reason I put all thous a's, were to show Anon checking his watch or looking at a clock on the wall. However I will fix it so its much more clearer thanks.
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The reason the main character's name is Anonymous, is so you can put your own name there (that's what I always thought anyways). If you don't like that idea you can make up a name for him. Lastly you can just assume or imagine some guy is named Anonymous and go with that. I hope you will revisit thous story's you overlooked. There are loads of awesome story with Anonymous in it.
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These ponies knows whats good. Thanks for answering his question.
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It makes it easier for the author, and for people who like to slef insert into stories.
~~Flutter-Shy~~
I love this fiction
Just one thing to say: In my opinion I think all the ponies, including Twilight, who heard about Anon's arrival, should have been scared about another creature's presence in their world. It looked like she didn't care at all about him and the fact that a creature that she doesn't know how it's called landed in Equestria.
I love everything about it. Keep posting chapters. Cheers!
Overall, the story is simply great!
I was expecting her to do something to his face as pay back or something reading that XD
chapter seven, human takes back question about french toast because ponies dont have france, pony immediately goes on to talk about food from france (crepes). what kind of logic is that? oh well, its a good story anyway but it needs an editor.
I love this story. I hope the next chapter is coming out soon.
Ahhhhhhh!!!!!you used "clip". It's a magazine. Clips are what weapons like the m1 Garrand or the Springfield used. Ok gun boner has faded now. Also just a question that has been bugging me. Anon is in the military, why would've have an AR-15 those are just civilian versions of the m-16 also it would be difficult to store in the cockpit unless it was taken apart. Other than that I like the story, good job dude.
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Here's your answer :D
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Thanks for the support, and yes I agree that ponies should be more scared of Anon because he is a alien in all. Twilight also knew there was a alien in Equestria way before anypony else did (besides Rainbow Dash). So she had a lot of time to think about it and prepare for Anon's arrival into Ponyville.
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I know the logic there seems to be flawed. However Anon thinks there's no France, but really there is a place fairly familiar to it. Like in the show when they say ponies are speaking in fancy and the character Fleur Dis Lee. I guess I just got lazy describing parts again. (which I really need to work on
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All these people helpin' me out. Feels nice.
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XD She will get her payback in time.
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Lol good timing, you wrote your comment right as I was about to click add comment. As for your question the AR-15 is to be edited out for another primary gun when I have time on my hands. The only reason he has a primary gun in the first place is purely for the story line nothing else. If you, or anyone else has a gun that would fit this story please PM me. (remember pilots don't even carry primary's anymore as i been told.) For the 'clip' part I am sorry :c I have failed you, nevertheless I will fix it. Lastly thanks for the support!
Everyone else!
As for the people that are waiting for the action to come back, It will come soon enough. This story is after all part slice of life. Lastly thanks everyone for those likes, make's me feel awesome to be writing this story.
Choose a characters name!
Lastly, if you have a name of a earth pony that you want to see in this story you can PM me. I need to come up with three first and last names for later chapters. (1 stallion 2 mares, if you could state there coat and mane colors that would be much appreciated)
THEY DON'T BLEED!!! And they would've just fallen apart after he shot them!
This chapter shows me that the story is strolling far to much into bland, overused HIE cliches. As if fighter pilot in equestria wasn't overused enough at least this fic had some original ideas when it was just Anon and Dash in the wild, but now there in town it reads like every other HIE. Of all the things in this chapter, i'll list the ones i've seen done to death already:
-human and dash are fighting, human gets knocked out by other pony who thinks he is attacking her.
-human harbours no anger towards pony who attacked them at all after awakening.
-pinkie does her superfastnospacesreallyhardtoread introduction to the human upon first seeing him.
-human easily obtains a rundown house (because thats totally how the real estate system works)
-human befriends scootaloo and becomes immediate big brother figure
-human feels guilt for mooching off of ponies
Theres more, but that was this chapter alone. If this fic is going to continue down this sorta path then any and all interest has completely evaporated. I hope you've got something engaging planned for later chapters (that in itself hasn't already been done) otherwise this fic is a bland, dull grey, dime a dozen HIExDash fic.
You seem like a reasonable sort, so don't take what i've said in this as a form of attack. Take this comment as a early warning and try to steer clear of those nasty cliches.
Mora u need moar... also I think the other pilot show have an amazing escape from the badlands also... couldn't he use the radio to contact anon?
great story so far though a few minor things to point out that might make it more engaging.
200 feet is a tiny distance on the size of a mountain.
in mid summer a it would be hard-pressed to find a mountain tall enough to be below zero.
just pointing these things out because I happen to live in the mountains.
I have done exactly that to the sterotipical bully a few times (fat, loves football(the one with tackling), has the IQ of a potato and listening to him makes me want to kick him down stairs to see if he rolls or not)
If scootaloo is homeless why doesn't she sleep in the crusadering club house and were on Ear- Equestria does she get food!?!1!!1!!one!!!
I think everyone should go like they did with Zecora and hide or start a riot or something (if they already haven't)
And why isn't the Gilded Griphon ... you know owned by griphons? Or Gilda to be specific since Gilded and Gilda?
Heres a question about writing: When writing about A.J. talking is it easier for you because of the little need of grammar and that or do you have to try and fail grammar to write it? Because before I post anything I have to go over things heaps so I don't sound like Yoda or someone that just learnt how to spell! D:
4682194 I have never claimed to be perfect, I know i have flaws and I try to remedy them. The thing is if I truly dislike a fic I leave it alone, if I see a fic with potential but needs work I give the author some pointers. It is entirely up to them if they take it as constructive criticism or not. Writing about an overused plot is not always bad (which is why people keep writing HIEs) but you need to have something new to add to them otherwise they hold no interest. So yes while I said that this fic and yours can be boring in some places it is your decision of an author to decided if what I say is worthy of your attention. It makes little difference to be weather you change it or not.
Wow, I really didn't expect this much comments so soon. So in turn I will answer these questions early C: (Still working on chapter nine).
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Just wanted it to sound better then two logs with bullet holes in them XD. To answer the question, yes, In MLP (show wise) they would just burst's into a bunch of sticks (holds in the pun of saying faggot). Thanks for the support and for the question/correction.
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Yes, I completely agree that this chapter was completely cliche (fucking spell check refusing to put accent aigu on the e) in the fact of starting the relationships.
As for the Pinkie Pie part, I cant really see any other way of portraying her. I guess that's why so many people have written her like that. I guess you could say that Pinkie only acts super hyperactive on the show, and that shes not always like that. However that is my own head cannon :c and I am sorry if you wanted pink pone to act differently.
<-- just look at that face XD.
Overall I guess I made this chapter off of what I would do, and how I would feel, if such events where to happen to me. Looks like I have to start working on new character personality's (however I will say that the mane six will stay true to how they where on the show.)
Thanks for your honest criticism, it really helps me out. Knowing what really bugs the people reading my Fimfics helps me correct and produce a better product.
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No he could not use the radio even if he had one. Remember back in chapter two when Anon saw Lorin's burnt up F-22 raptor. Anon found that he left his survival kit and medical kit, if Lorin was in such a hurry to get out of the F-22 to leave the medical kit and survival kit, I don't think he would pick up a radio (even if they still carry hand held radios.)
As for his helmet radio I assume that now there in a different world or dimension that they have nothing to transmit to and receive from like a radio tower. Plus both of there planes are completely ruined if not by the crash then from the water.
Also If you remember back to chapter one Anon try's to contact Lorin while falling however that fails, along with chapter two when he tries to contact people on his radio, however he still leaves valuable information just in case his speakers aren't working. (Remember i'm not full on military/science genius, if this statement is wrong feel free to correct me. Although I would need some proof of what you have said.)
Lastly thanks for the support,question and correction.
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That's awesome the view there must be amazing, I just live in a small town in Ontario Canada. Yes I know i'm writing a fanfic about a pilot in the USAF (also the reason why I mix up the miles and km). I digress, that chapter was off in so many ways about the climb. I intentionally wanted that mountain to be huge at the start and take two chapters, but half way though I realized I couldn't write two whole chapters on climbing a mountain due to me knowing shit all about the topic. So in the end it looked like they climbed a hill XD. Thanks for the support man really helps me out.
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"IQ of potato" OMG I can't stop laughing. *wipes tear away*. OK back to the question. Why docent Scootaloo sleep in the tree house? That is a good question. WHY docent she?? Sorry but as for when you asked this question I can't answer it. (spoilers) For the food part that would also be a spoiler if I said it now.
The gilded griffin idea actually came from another fimfics I have read. I forgot the name of it but as soon as I remember or look it up I will re-post it, as that author needs his recognition as well.
To answer your last question: because I have to try and fail at grammar. Its funny really because I have to do the same thing you do when making comments or writing this story. I usually have to read my story 3 time before I feel confident putting it up (thus why it takes so long) and as you see I still have heaps of spelling and grammatical errors.
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Agreed no one is perfect, however Jazzaman is taking the part of a critic. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact I encourage people when they do see something wrong or something bugging them that they tell me in the comments. Never the less I appreciate your support.
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Its nice to know that you are still around and helping me to make this story much more enjoyable. However this story is part slice of life and this chapter was kinda heavy on that. (along with the major cliche.) I know this comment wasn't directed at me but my O.C.D is telling me to comment on everyone's comment.
Everyone else!
. So in short form you may have to sit a bit longer for the next chapter.
Holy shit I wrote a lot just for comments! well at least its over and done with so I can improve :D. As for the next chapter it might take a bit longer due to me studying my ass of for my collage math assessment to prove i'm good at the math's
On other exiting news the next chapter will be edited by one of the reader (Sir Crystal Stardust). I would like to thank him for taking the time out of his day to fix my mistakes. Even if his editing is not 100% (which i'm not saying its not going to be) I still appreciate his dedication to this Fimfic.
Choose a characters name!
Lastly, if you have a name of a earth pony that you want to see in this story you can PM me. I need to come up with three first and last names for later chapters. (1 stallion 2 mares, if you could state there coat and mane colors that would be much appreciated. They also need to like to go fast!)
ok first i want to make it clear that i really liked this story. It has a lot of potential and you sir have some pretty interesting ideas that i want to see flushed out like the friend vrs friend thing you got building between the two humans.
that being said however there is a lot of ways this story could be improved upon and here is a short list of things that i noticed. hope you find this wall of text helpful.
1: your spelling. several time i noticed that you either left words out of a scentance or miss spelled common words. it was very jarring to me as a reader having to reread the line over and over again to try and figure out what was going on. the most common word i saw you miss spell was doesn't which you used docent and of instead of off but there were atleast two other. Now i am not much of a speller myself so it is pretty bad when i am noticing this kind of thing, so i suggest either getting an editor or reading your story out loud to yourself.
2. in your latter chapter there has not been a whole lot of build up to what could be considered major event of your story. AKA your throwing in interesting story ideas and then not doing anything with them. an example being when anon got thrown in jail by that ONE guard. you could have done so much with that like have that guard's shift end and create a situation of "oh no we have an unknown alien running lose in the castle we got to find him" cause nobody looks in a dungeon for an escapee. another place that could have used a bit more build was Anon adopting scoots. Seriously it felt like you throw that scene in there just to have a way to finish up the chapter. it didn't carry the emotional weight you where hoping for because it came off as rushed (thought points for that line about him living on the streets with scoots that was funny and made me want to see him acutely do that which would be a neat take on the i am scoot's big bro idea). so what i am say here is important events need some build to them so that the reader can get excited about what is to come or atleast what they think is to come. even just hinting at it with a line or two of dialog is sometimes enough like rainbow could have mentioned that scoots was homeless but she couldn't do anything about for some reason like scoots couldn't stand on clouds either or something.
3. if your going to go into detail about a subject at the very least please preform a google search on it, please. otherwise you come off as looking really stupid and from what i can infer from some of the ideas i have seen that is not the case. in this case it makes Anon look like an idiot not being able to figure out that if i crashed near civilization then that means it is near by and if he walked for 3 day with out finding it then something is wrong. that whole crashing scene is just a mess as well if you have the slightest understanding of the heights and speeds involved it is just like your mountain scene where it looked like he climbed a small hill and froze to death. from what i can tell from reading it he might of crashed maybe a mile away from the town (rough guess don't feel like doing the math) and even taking into account current flow should not have ended up that far away (he only turned away from the town at 1000ft or was it 200ft at a 60* angle below the horizontal (also he should be paste after that crash hope so see you do some sort of explanation for that one). so a bit of common sense and google search. (FYI if you say that the unicorn levitation spell is anti-gravity then i will find and smack you upside the head)
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1) Spelling should improve now that I have a proofreader.
2) I do agree that my events need more build up to have a better impact. To be honest I am not considering Scootaloo as a major event at the moment, thus the reason why I didn't talk much about her past. That will be a later chapter.
3) Anon did roughly know where he was when he first crashed. However when Rainbow Dash led Anon into the forest in the complete opposite direction he thought the town was, he quickly lost his sense of direction. As would most people stuffed into a forest at night. Lastly Rainbow Dash doesn't seem to be that good in navigating when shes on the ground, thus the reason she led him into the Everfree forest when she should of led him to the plains.
Thanks for the comment, glad to see people are helping me out.
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ok but just so you know if you ever decided to go back and edit those chapters you might want to flush out the fact they got each other lost a bit more and make it more obvious that it was because they where lost that they climbed the mountain (granted you might have done that and i was just distracted by the awesome that is dash using a flare gun or wearing a pilot helmet, so going to reread those chapters).
Dude its just gets better with each chapter. Oh and the dash x anon thing is so cute
I am really liking this story. This is the first fighter pilot in Equestria I read that has actually kept me interested. ( I usually lose interest because the plot doesn't make sense and/or it ends with the pilot getting laid for reasons unknown.)
I have to agree with Jazzaman, the cliques are getting repetitive. Especially the Scootaloo is homeless concept. ( I lost interest as soon as I read that, but I came back for round two.)
The grammer mistakes pop up a lot, but that didn't really bother me, since I am an editor at my highschool and I can easily tell what you were trying
to write.
Anyway keep up the good work and don't let harsh comments keep you down.
I have to say that I am enjoying this story. This story is vary good. I find your characterizations well done and thought out. I wood have like to see more of twilight and friends reactions when Rainbow dash was missing but the story is excellent and I hope to see a new chapter soon. So Keep up the good work you are doing.
Dragonfox
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I know right XD. Thanks man for the support!
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I'm glad you are enjoying the story so far, I have tones off twists and turns to put Anon though :D. Yes, once again I agree that I have some cliques that are very common for Anon x Dash stories. I have however been trying/learning how to avoid them.
Ah the grammar mistakes, how can I not agree with you XD. I have proofreaders/editors since Chapter nine so from then on you should be seeing less and less grammar mistakes (hopefully). I can safely say now that my starting chapters are horrendous for grammar and spelling as I look back at them. I like these posts as they keep reminding me to go back and fix old chapters and look for the same errors while making new ones.
Lastly like always, thanks for the support as it helps improve the quality of the story.
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Funny because as soon as you posted that I was in the process of publishing chapter ten XD. Hope you like it. As for the reactions, I can safely say get ready for more of them. (you will get why once you read chapter ten)
NEW EVENT!
Don't worry if you're still making names for earth ponies as that was my last event. I am still accepting names because the more the better. (I like to have variety :P)
As for the new event, If you have an idea for a new title page please PM me. If you want to make a new title page go right ahead and send me a PM when you're done.
Wow this chapter was long.
Oh oh ohhh.....
now what?!
MOAR please
Now that was a good chapter. I can't wait for the next chapter so keep up the good job you are doing.
Dragonfox
Was not expecting such a positive reaction. (well I hope its positive)
here's my answers to some of your questions/support.
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Agreed it was long XD but was also my favorite chapter to write.
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Just going to have to wait for that one.
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Don't worry I am writing the next chapter as we speak. :3
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I am happy you liked the chapter seems a lot of people did.
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. As for leaving you wondering don't worry I plan to release chapter eleven soon. (Like in the next couple of days.)
Well I just did
4816065 yo just gonna say if I'm not on much that's cause I got homework :P. Just felt like saying that but I'm free for long parts of the day.
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Oh, go read 300k words in 24 hours, go on, do it.
4827934 can I ask what your problem is? I did nothing to you and now you come at me randomly. So just gonna say this please don't try and pull that card on me.
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Oh um, sorry, i was just saying if you wanted real challenge or something, I guess I forgot emotions don't show on the internet, heh heh.