Chemical Ex

by Majin Syeekoh

Howling at the Moon

Twilight was standing in the moonlight as she pulled out her banana communicator from her saddlebag. She shook it a couple times, then spoke into it, “Applejack?”

“Yes?” Applejack’s voice said through the banana. Twilight smiled.

“Is the bar set up?” Twilight asked.

“Well, all the main stuff is—”

“Good,” Twilight said, “Fluttershy?”

“Yes?” Fluttershy’s voice demurely said through the banana.

“Is the medical tent ready to go?”

“Twilight, it’s been ready to go for—”

“Is the tent ready to go?”

Silence was heard on the other end of the line, followed by a sigh. “Yes, Twilight, the medical tent is operational.”

“Okay,” Twilight said. “Rainbow, are—”

“Drug mules are roaming around the field as we speak!”

“...thank you, Rainbow Dash. Pinkie, are the glowsticks ready for distribution?”

“Oh my, yes,” Discord’s voice said through the banana.

Twilight frowned at the banana. “Discord, I asked Pinkie!”

Discord’s head then popped through the bottom of the banana and stared at Twilight. “Am I not good enough for you?”

Twilight stared confusedly at Discord. “No, that’s not—”

Discord popped his hands through the banana, cupped the sides of his mouth, and yelled out, “Hey! I’m apparently not good enough for the little pony Princes—AGH!”

Discord was shoved back through the banana by Twilight Sparkle’s magic. “Okay, then,” she said, “Vinyl?”

“Yo,” Vinyl said through the banana.

“Your music still set up?”

“Yep!”

“Okay,” Twilight said as she nodded at the banana..

“You know, nopony can see you nod, right?”

“Can it, Discord. Rarity, how are you doing?”

“Eh,” Rarity said lazily, “what am I supposed to do again?”

“You’re on tent repair standby.”

“Okay, but what am I supposed to do until then?”

Twilight stared at the banana. “Um...just mingle, I guess.”

“Eh,” Rarity said as a sipping sound was heard over the banana.

“...are you still drinking?”

“Yes.”

Twilight facehooved. “Why?”

Rarity giggled. “No reason. Anyway, with how much I use the Speed Up spell, I could use the extra calories.”

“Rarity, you do realize that those are empty calories, right?”

“How did they keep the vodka cold all the way from the Crystal Empire?” Rarity wondered aloud, seemingly ignoring Twilight’s last comment.

Twilight grinned with glee. “Oh, that’s just a simple refrigeration spell. I could teach it to you later.”

Rarity giggled on the other end of the line. “Oh, that would be most wonderful. That would save me so many bits on the mini-fridge I planned on getting Sweetie Belle and her friends.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “You were planning on getting the Cutie Mark Crusaders a mini-fridge? Why?”

“Well, they’ve been such good fillies in recent months that I’ve decided to reward them,” she said as she sipped on her vodka, “but now with this refrigeration spell, I could just enchant a cardboard box! Think of the bits I’d save!”

Twilight shook her head. “That wouldn’t work. The container has to be made from plastic, otherwise you’d end up with a frigid box,” Twilight said. A second later, she heard laughter emerge from everypony on the line. Twilight stared at the banana confusedly. “What? Did I say something funny?”

“N-nothing, darling,” Rarity said, still giggling, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

Twilight glared at the banana, fuming. “Okay, then,” she said, “Shiny?”

“Yes?” Shining Armor said over the line.

Twilight smiled. "You have the age shield set up?"

"Yes I do, Twiley. Nopony under eighteen is getting inside."

"That's great, Shiny. Glad to hear it!" Twilight looked over to the entrance of Sweet Apple Acres. Ponies were waiting patiently in a line that wrapped all the way through Ponyville. Twilight breathed in, then out. She then yelled, "I am proud to announce that the inaugural Ponyscape has now officially begun!"

----

Three hours later, the rave was well underway, with ponies packed into Sweet Apple Acres and the surrounding orchard dancing their flanks off to the electronic music Vinyl was blasting. Twilight could feel the thrum of the bass in her horn all the way from Applejack’s bar, where she was nursing a drink called Seabreeze, chosen because it reminded her of the plucky breezie she had met earlier that year. It also tasted sweet—she was barely able to make out the vodka contained within.

Twilight sighed and took a sip of her Seabreeze. Sure, the rave was fun and all, but she soon came to the realization that this wasn’t her scene. It was just so...loud. Trixie then trotted up and plopped down next to Twilight.

“Hey,” Trixie said as she nodded.

Twilight nodded back and said, “Hey,” as she took another sip of her drink.

Trixie slammed on the table and shouted, “a virgin mary over here!”

Applejack looked up. “Sure thing, Trixie,” she said as she pulled out the tomato juice and pepper sauce, poured them into a tumblr and shook up the tumbler. She then pulled out a red plastic cup, poured the contents of the tumbler into the cup and handed it to Trixie, who took a long, slow sip. “That’ll be two bits.”

Trixie glared at Applejack. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

Applejack smirked. “Nope.”

Trixie grumbled as she pulled the two bits out of her saddlebags and floated them over to Applejack, who grabbed them and put them in a burlap sack behind the counter. “Thank you.”

Trixie snorted. “Whatever.”

Twilight looked at Trixie and raised an eyebrow. “Why are you mad at paying for a drink?”

Trixie sighed as she sipped on her virgin mary. “It’s a Celestia-damned virgin mary. A hundred of these cost like a bit in raw materials.” She angrily took another sip.

Twilight giggled. “What you’re describing is a standard business mark-up. If you wanted to make a cheap virgin mary, you should have made one at Fluttershy’s.”

Trixie groaned. “But then I wouldn’t be here.”

Twilight sipped on her Seabreeze. “No, you wouldn’t.”

Trixie sipped on her drink. “But I don’t understand why virgin drinks couldn’t be sold at a loss and covered by the profit margins of the drugs and the tickets,” Trixie said, “the latter of which you sold out, if I’m not misinformed.”

Twilight grinned. “Yes. Yes we did.”

Trixie smirked. “I’m happy for you,” she said, sipping on her virgin mary again, “so why aren’t you out there enjoying your handiwork?”

Twilight shrugged and sipped on her Seabreeze. “I’m just not feeling it. And I’ve been trying to get drunk enough to enjoy the party,” she said while pointing to the cup that she was drinking out of, “but the alcohol doesn’t seem to be very effective...”

Trixie snickered. “I thought it would be obvious to you why.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Trixie. “Why?”

“It’s because you’re an alicorn now,” Trixie said, “have you ever seen Celestia or Luna drunk?”

Twilight thought on that for a good moment. Had she ever seen Celestia or Luna drunk? She HAD seen them drinking before...but to her surprise, she couldn’t recall ever seeing them actually drunk before. Twilight sighed. “No, I suppose I haven’t.”

Trixie smirked. “Thought so,” she said as she finished off her virgin mary, “why, I’ll put a hundred bits that you could drink the entire contents of a bottle of vodka without feeling the effects.”

Applejack, who had been serving other ponies, finished serving her customer and trotted over to the two. “Bettin’, huh? Well, then, I’ll bet that she DOES get drunk.”

Trixie eyed down Applejack. “You’re on.”

Twilight, who was sipping her Seabreeze, choked on the fluid in her mouth and spit it back into the cup. “Hold on a tick. Who said I would engage in this ridiculous bar bet?”

Trixie put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Let’s look at this logically, shall we? If you drink the entire contents and don’t get drunk, no harm, no foul.”

“And if ya do get drunk,” Applejack said, “you’ll get what you want and be able to enjoy the rave.”

Twilight thought over both options carefully.

Trixie smiled. “So, either way, it’s a win-win.”

Twilight finished off her Seabreeze and placed the cup on the table. “Alright, let’s do it.”

Applejack and Trixie both smiled. “Perfect,” they said in unison.

----

Several ponies had crowded around the bar. Rarity was trying to shove through the throng to see what was going on. She finally broke through to witness Twilight attempting to power through a whole bottle of Crystal Empire vodka. Rainbow Dash was floating above, leading the ponies gathered around in a chant.

“CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!”

Rarity glared at Twilight and gave a disapproving glare. “Twilight, what in blazes are you doing?”

Twilight pulled the bottle away from her lips, wiped her mouth, and grinned. “Chugging an entire bottle of vodka.”

Rarity sighed. “Well, that’s apparent. What I mean to ask is, why?”

Twilight shrugged. “Well, Trixie and Applejack made a bet to see if I could get drunk.”

Rarity glared at Applejack. “Well, I wouldn’t expect any less from Trixie, but I’m rather ashamed of Applejack right now.”

Applejack shrugged. “Hey, I figured it was free money.”

Rarity facehooved, then looked at Twilight. “And what do YOU get out of this bet, Twilight?”

Twilight smiled. “Drunk, hopefully,” she said as she put the opening of the bottle back to her lips and started chugging again.

Rarity shook her head, then turned it to Rainbow Dash. “And why are you encouraging this?”

Rainbow Dash giggled. “C’mon, you know I love a healthy competition!”

Rarity snorted. “There is nothing healthy about this competition. Your best friend and Trixie are betting on whether another one of your best friends will get drunk.”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I said the competition was healthy, not the actual event.”

Rarity closed her eyes, then took a deep breath. She then turned towards Twilight. “What do you plan on doing when you actually get drunk, Twilight?”

Twilight pulled the bottle away from her lips. “The question is if I get drunk.”

Rarity shook her head and gritted her teeth. “No, the question is when. I don’t care if you’re a Celestia-damned dragon, you WILL get drunk if you imbibe an entire bottle of vodka.”

Twilight smiled. “That remains to be seen,” she said as she faced down the throng. “What do you say we continue this experiment?”

“YES!” the mob cheered.

Twilight smiled widely. “Alright, we’re at a quarter of a bottle with no effects!”

Trixie gave a knowing glance at Applejack. Applejack grunted and shouted,“C’mon, sugarcube, get wasted!” Twilight nodded at Applejack and put the bottle back to her lips and continued her chugging.

Rarity stared at Applejack in shock. “You mean...you’re the one who bet on her getting wasted?”

Applejack gave Rarity a fish-eating grin. “Told ya it was a sure bet.”

“That remains to be seen,” Trixie said, sipping on some orange juice, “she’s drunk a quarter of a bottle with no effects so far.”

“Don’t matter,” Applejack said, “anypony would get hammered if they drank an entire bottle of vodka.”

“We’ll see about that,” Trixie said as she sipped on her orange juice.

Twilight had pounded down half of the bottle by now. She pulled the bottle away and let out a mighty howl, the ponies crowding around aping the action.

Applejack chuckled. “Told ya she’d feel it.” Trixie frowned.

Twilight turned her head towards Applejack, “No, I’m pretty sure it’s just adrenaline kicking in,” she said. Applejack frowned while Trixie smiled. “Still, this was a great idea!” Twilight said as she put the bottle back to her mouth and kept chugging.

“That remains to be seen,” Rarity said, “there are other consequences to heavy drinking besides hangovers.”

----

A half an hour later, Twilight had finished the entire bottle and was sitting on her haunches, wobbling in place. Applejack smirked and opened her saddlebag. Trixie grumbled as she fished out the hundred bits and floated it into Applejack’s saddlebag, whereupon Applejack closed it.

Twilight grinned stupidly. “I feel...wavy.”

“That’s nice,” Trixie growled.

Rarity stared in shock at Twilight. “She did it...I can’t believe she actually did it…”

Rainbow Dash swooped down and raised Twilight’s hoof in the air. “Give it up to the Mare with the Iron Stomach, Twilight Sparkle!” The crowd let out a cheer.

Twilight pulled her hoof away. “I feel like…” she said as she got onto all fours and gesticulated wildly.

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “What the hay is she doing?”

Applejack facehooved. “She’s dancing.”

Trixie’s eyes widened, then a small chortle escaped her nose before turning into full-blown laughter. “DANCING!? That’s what she calls dancing!” Trixie said as she fell to the ground and rolled around laughing, “this was so worth losing one hundred bits!”

Applejack sighed. “To be honest, she’s not much better when she’s sober.”

Trixie froze, then belted out a hearty guffaw as she continued rolling around. “Oh Celestia, this is too rich! Somepony better be taking pictures of this!”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “I’m sure somepony is.”

Trixie kept laughing. “Celestia, my sides!”

Rarity snorted. “Okay, Trixie, we get it. This is very amusing, but could you please stop laughing? It’s getting rather annoying.”

Trixie’s laughter died down as small giggles escaped from her lips. Rainbow Dash high hooved Trixie as they watched Twilight dance poorly. Everypony else gathered around started dancing as well, bumping into Rarity.

“Good heavens, watch where you’re going!” Rarity shouted, whereupon a small circle was created around her. Rarity smiled. “That’s better.” Rarity then trotted up to Twilight, who was still dancing terribly. “Twilight, could you please stop you’re making an ass out of—” she said before an errant hoof decked her in the jaw, knocking her to the ground. She got up onto her haunches and rubbed her jaw. “I say,” Rarity grumbled.

Pinkie popped out from behind the bar. “That’s what you get for interfering with a dancing Twilight!”

Trixie stared at Pinkie Pie in shock. “How did she…”

“Don’t ask,” Applejack said, “it’s just Pinkie Pie.”

“So, Pinks,” Rainbow Dash said, “what have you been up to?”

Pinkie let out a wide grin. “Oh, I’ve been hanging with Fluttershy watching Discord do mind surgery on ponies that overdosed on LSD. It’s so much fun!”

Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Trixie all swiveled their heads to face Pinkie Pie.

“Did you say…” Trixie started.

“...Discord’s doing…” Rarity continued.

“...mind surgery…” Rainbow Dash went on.

“...on ponies?” Applejack finished.

Pinkie nodded forcefully. “Yeah, it’s so much fun! First, Sweetie Drops brought in Lyra, and when Discord finished with her, she started calling Sweetie Drops Bon-Bon and wouldn’t shut up about hands!”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “You mean like on a minotaur?”

Pinkie nodded. “Uh-huh! Next was Derpy, and when Discord popped out of her head, she thought she was a mailmare and had two daughters!”

Applejack stared at Pinkie Pie. “That’s...interestin’.”

Pinkie grinned. “I thought so, too! I left when Discord was operating on Time Turner. I can’t wait to see what he turns into.”

Rarity facehooved. “Damnit...I thought this might happen,” she said. She then turned to Twilight. “Twilight, darling?”

Twilight stopped her ridiculous dancing and turned towards Rarity. “Yes?”

“Discord’s messing up ponies’ minds again.”

Twilight chuckled. “Nah. S’ok. It’s not like he’s hurting anypony. Who knows, they might even be more interesting now!” she said as she continued her dancing.

Everypony stared blankly at Twilight, at a loss for what to say. Finally, Trixie said, “did she just say ‘s’ok’?”

“More importantly, did she just approve of Discord messing with ponies’ minds?” Rainbow Dash added.

Everypony stared for a second. Rarity then said, “did she just say ‘s’ok’?”

Applejack giggled. “Yep, she’s wasted, alright.”

Pinkie stared at Applejack, then Twilight, then Applejack again. “Twilight’s drunk?”

Applejack nodded. “Eeyup. Drank an entire bottle of vodka.”

“Why?” Pinkie asked.

Rarity motioned towards Twilight with her hoof. “So that this could happen to her.”

Pinkie grinned ear to ear. “Well, then I think she succeeded!” Rarity facehooved.

“Nevermind that,” Trixie said as she stood up, “we should probably try to convince Discord to stop messing with ponies’ minds.”

Rarity sighed. “For once, Trixie, I agree with you. Let’s head over to the medical tent.”

Rainbow Dash took to the skies as Rarity and Trixie trotted over to the general direction of the medical tent. Applejack sighed as she stood behind the bar. “So, it looks like it’s you, Twilight, and me, Pinkie—” Applejack said as she turned her head to where Pinkie should be, finding her gone. Applejack sighed. “Eeyup.”

----

Twilight was dancing hard, waving her legs every which way. Drinking all that vodka really loosened her up. She was really enjoying the rave. She stopped when she felt something poking her side, turning to see the source of the disturbance. It was an orange unicorn with a shaggy green mane, chortling slightly.

“Nice dancing,” he said.

Twilight beamed. “Thank you!”

The unicorn quickly collected himself and asked, “would you be available for an interview?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “An interview? For who?”

“The Canterlot Post. I’d like to do an article on this wondrous event that you’ve created.”

Twilight shook her head. “Oh, no, this was Vinyl’s idea, and I couldn’t have done it without my friends,” Twilight said as she trotted over to the unicorn, “in fact, friendship is what this event is all about!”

The unicorn raised an eyebrow. “Explain.”

Twilight giggled. “Well, we thought a bunch of ponies collected together in a large place like this was bound to create a lot of connections.”

The unicorn nodded. “Interesting.” He then shook his head. “Maybe we could continue this interview somewhere more...quiet?”

Twilight nodded. “Sure! We could go to my house!” Twilight then giggled. “It’s a tree.”

The unicorn rolled his eyes. “So I’ve heard.”

Twilight waved to unicorn over, and they started trotting together. “By the way,” Twilight asked, “what’s your name?”

The unicorn nodded. “Name’s Quill. Psychokinetic Quill.”

Twilight nodded. “What does your name signify?”

Quill smiled. “I like to think it means that my written word lifts right off the page.”

Twilight chuckled. “That seems rather arrogant of you.”

Quill eyed Twilight down. “Hey, you’re the one who asked.”

----

Five hours later, Trixie, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Discord and Rarity headed back to the bar. Discord was being dragged by the ear by Rarity’s magic.

“Ow! Stop that!” he said.

“Oh, what are you blathering on about?” Rarity asked, “you did a very naughty thing today!”

Discord smirked. “You must admit, though,” he said as he snapped his fingers and appeared in front of the group, “you did find my...modifications to Time Turner rather...dashing, didn’t you?”

Rarity blushed. Rainbow Dash glared at Rarity. “Oh, come on, Rares!”

“I can’t help it if I have a weakness for a stallion with a Trottingham accent,” Rarity said.

“Yeah, but he wouldn’t shut up about his retardis,” Dash said, “I swear, it sounds like some kind of disease Twilight would come up with.”

“Oh, stuff it, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said, “and he said tardis, not retardis.” Rarity then chuckled. “I swear, if that’s what you heard, maybe you’re the retardis.”

Rainbow Dash looked away, blushing. “I couldn’t really make out what he was saying due to his accent.”

Pinkie grinned widely. “I really liked the stories he came up with!”

Rarity glared at Pinkie. “You mean the stories Discord planted into his mind.”

Pinkie nodded. “Yep, those ones! Like the metal trash can robots, or the statues that only move when you’re not looking!”

Rarity shivered. “Honestly, those remind me a bit of you, Pinkie.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

Rarity shook her head. “Well, it’s the way you travel vast distances when nopony’s looking. I honestly swore that one time I saw you in two places at once.”

Pinkie chortled. “That would be silly! How could I be in two places at once?”

Rarity glared at Pinkie. “I know what I saw.”
Pinkie stuck out her tongue at Rarity. Rainbow Dash high-hooved Pinkie while Rarity fumed. “Nice comeback, Pinks!” Rainbow Dash said.

Discord chortled. “I honestly don’t see why you had me change them all back. I was just having a bit of fun,” he said, “besides, they were all a lot more interesting this way.” Rarity glared at Discord and pulled his head down by his ear. “Ow, stop that!” he said.

Rarity bored a hole into Discord’s skull with her eyes. “Listen here. Messing with somepony’s mind like that is NEVER fun. What you did to those ponies was akin to what you did to us.” Rarity then sighed. “I swear, if we still had the Elements, I’d motion we turn you into a lawn ornament right now.”

Discord grinned. “But you don’t, do you?” He then wrested his head from Rarity’s grip. “Besides, Fluttershy would never stand for it. She actually found my antics hilarious. As did Pinkie Pie.”

Rarity facehooved, then slid her hoof down her face. “First of all, Pinkie finds everything hilarious.” Rarity then snorted. “And as for Fluttershy, I think she has a thing for you.”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

Rainbow Dash barked out a laugh. “Yeah. She totes got it bad for you.”

Discord stared into space, then shrugged. “Eh.”

Pinkie glared at Discord. “Eh? You say eh to that?” Pinkie then leapt up and grabbed Discord’s head. “You find out that one of the prettiest ponies in existence has the hots for you and you say eh?”

Discord plucked Pinkie Pie off of his head and gently placed her on the ground. “I don’t really pay the whole love game.” Discord then glared at everypony. “And seriously, when did I grow a sign that said, ‘touch my head, please?’”

“Huh…” Trixie said while examining her legs and body.

“What now, Trixie?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“What does it mean?” Trixie asked.

“What does what mean?” Rarity asked.

“These sigils,” Trixie said.

“What sigils?” Pinkie asked.

“The ones all over my body. Can’t you see them?”

Everypony present raised an eyebrow at Trixie. Discord then peered at Trixie.

“Tell me, Ms. Lulamoon,” Discord said, “where did you go when you disappeared off for a moment at the medical tent?”

Trixie snorted in laughter. “Well, when you were arguing about why Discord should change the ponies back, I went off and bought some LSD.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

Trixie giggled. “Because I thought it would make the argument more interesting.”

Discord motioned a paw towards Trixie. “See? Even your friend was so bored by the argument that she wandered off and got high!”

Rarity snorted. “Well, it was an argument worth having...Trixie, what are you doing?”

Rainbow Dash turned her head to see Trixie gnawing on her tail. She shot straight up into the air. “Hey! Get off!”

Trixie chortled. “But I wanted to taste the rainbow!”

Rainbow Dash facehooved. “Oh, come on!” Pinkie giggled. Rainbow Dash turned her head to Pinkie Pie, glaring.

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “What? It was funny!”

Rainbow Dash kept her glare fixed on Pinkie. “Let’s see how funny you think it is when Trixie’s chewing on your tail.”

Rarity shook her head. “Well, let’s head back to the bar and check in on Twilight.”

Everyone nodded and followed Rarity back to the bar. When they got there, they were surprised to find Twilight gone. Rarity shook her head and trotted up to the bar. “Applejack?”

Applejack served a drink to a patron and turned to Rarity. “Yes?”

“Where did Twilight go?”

“I saw her trot off with some gangly-looking orange unicorn stallion, supposedly for an interview at her place.”

“Did you happen to get his name?” Rarity asked.

“Uhhh...I think it was Psychokinetic Quill.”

Rarity turned away and tapped her chin with her hoof. An idea flashed in her head. “Perhaps they went to her place to get some coffee, if you know what I’m saying…” she said while smiling.

Discord’s eyes lit up. “A little wink wink, nudge nudge?”

Rarity chortled. “Say no more…” she said.

Trixie, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie all stared at Rarity and Discord confusedly.

“What?” Trixie asked.

Rarity chuckled, then put a hoof on Trixie’s shoulder. “Trixie...darling...why don’t you go to Twilight’s Library and ask for her help in decoding your runes—”

“—sigils—”

“—whatever. I’m sure she’ll figure them out in no times at all.”

Trixie nodded and got up on her hooves. “Okay, that makes sense,” she said as she trotted off.

Rainbow Dash stared at Rarity. “Why did you do that?”

Rarity snickered. “You know, you and Pinkie don’t have the market cornered on pranks.”

Pinkie raised a hoof. “But doesn’t interrupting them while they’re...you know...seem kind of mean?”

Rarity huffed. “She’s probably blacked out and won’t remember a thing.”

Discord lowered her head to face Rarity at eye level. “That seems unusually callous, even for you.”

Rarity scoffed. “It’s no worse than what Rainbow Dash did to Gilda.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “But she’s a bitch.”

Rarity giggled. “But Rainbow Dash didn’t know it at the time.”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Rarity chortled. “Oh, this is going to be so much fun!”

Comments

[KittyLover5]

Wouldn't twilight know about Hands.oh w wait she's drunk