Sensational Serials: Silly, Short Stories for Silly, Short Ponies

by PhycoKrusk

How Sombra Got His New Country Phase ?: Deal with Bureaucracy

“No.” The word filled the entire throne room.

“But Princess —” an unnamed noble began to object.

“Next petitioner.”

“But —” he tried again, taking a step towards the throne.

His advanced was barred when one of the otherwise forgotten guardsponies in the room suddenly got in his face. “She said, ‘Next petitioner’.”

Shaking more than a bit, the unnamed background noble quickly made his way out of the throne room, passing by the earth pony at the door whose only purpose was to herald the next pony to petition the Princess.

“Presenting, um…” The herald struggled to make sense of the card held in his hoof. “It’s blank.” He was suddenly pushed aside as a cloaked pony, identity concealed, made his way into the throne room and stalked towards Celestia.

“Oh, lovely,” said the Princess, not sounding or looking at all amused. “What is it today? Prophecy of ill-tidings? Threat of war? Poorly structured poem about my beauty written in a salt-induced haze?”

The cloaked pony came to a stop just before the dais, and the cloak was suddenly flung away, and Celestia’s eyes widened when they fell upon the form of —

“Sombra!” Celestia exclaimed in a manner that was most assuredly not a shriek of terror, because Princesses do not shriek. Her guards sprung into action, although they were quick to retreat when a variety of crystalline and especially lethal looking weapons suddenly materialized around Sombra, including swords, axes, spears, and a pair of electric hair clippers that had no business being there, likely the result of an editing mistake.

“Stand down,” Celestia ordered, and although her guards were clearly reluctant to do so, they did all the same. “There. I have extended my hoof in peace. Now speak, and then begone.”

With a smug smile, the weapons hovering around the coal black unicorn vanished, and he stated his business. The words that escaped his throat sounded like they could have been Equestrian, if he had said them while gargling with rock salt and broken glass. Consequently, he was impossible to understand.

“Do, you need a glass of water?” Celestia asked. The reply from Sombra was a hacking, choking cough that sounded vaguely like it could have been ‘yes’, or less likely but still possibly ‘cats’. Either way, a large glass of water appeared before Sombra with a flash from Celestia’s horn, and Sombra quickly gulped it down.

And then hocked enough mucus into it to fill it again while Celestia (and most of her guards) struggled to keep from throwing up. “That’s better,” he said, before clearing his throat and straightening up.

“Hear my words, nag! I have endeavored to move through legitimate and proper channels, and have been blocked every step of the way! I now address you directly, and offer my ultimatum! Resolve my permit issue, or be destroyed!”

Seconds passed in silence. Moments before one of the guardsponies produced a pin, Celestia spoke: “I’m sorry, your permit issue?”

“I did not stutter, nor misspeak,” Sombra replied acidly. Literally black magic washed over his horn, and from extra dimensional space, a map flashed into existence, hovering in front of Celestia. “I have recently acquired property within the city of Canterlot, and wish to add a swimming pool to the premises. As I wish to avoid a fine, I seek a permit for a rather large construction project, which has thus far been unjustly denied to me for failing to produce a permit to alter the property, which has in turn been unjustly denied to me because no such permit exists, has never existed previously, and if your apparent allergy to paperwork is any indication, will never exist in the future. As you can see from the map presently obscuring your vision —” which, incidentally, also prevented her from seeing that he was reading from notecards — “said property is well within your jurisdiction as Princess, that being both the city of Canterlot and country of Equestria, and I demand that you approve my permit application, or at the least acquiesce to my request for one.”

“Well, I really don’t think I’ll be doing that,” Celestia replied as she scrutinized the map, “As this property you apparently own is clearly not a part of Canterlot.” She scrutinized the map a bit more closely. “It doesn’t really even look like it’s part of Equestria. Imagine that.”

“How can it not be part of Equestria?” Sombra demanded, his map and notecards vanishing back into extra dimensional space, “It’s practically in the middle of the sun-maddened city you call home! What could possibly be more Equestrian?”

“Well, rest assured, Sombra, you’ll have plenty of time to think about what could be more Equestrian!” Celestia replied, slamming her hoof on a button by the base of her throne.

For several long, awkward seconds, absolutely nothing happened.

“Oh, right,” Celestia said with a sheepish smile. “Luna had me remove the Moon Cannon. Something about sending a negative message to the populace. I don’t suppose you’d stay around while I have a new one installed? I’ll make it worth your while.”

“I fail to see how being fired out of a cannon and at the moon could ever be worth my while, so no, I’ll not stay around,” Sombra replied sharply, “Not today, or any day, and definitely not unless you give me my blasted permit!”

Sombra’s expression turned to surprise as he was suddenly hefted into the air by a cloud of golden sparkles, very likely related to a similar-looking cloud surround Celestia’s horn. Celestia, who was presently moving down from her throne. “What are you doing?” he demanded. He had been demanding things with disturbing frequency.

“Oh, nothing much,” Celestia replied, trotting towards the the grand windows of the throne room and dragging Sombra with her. The closest of them, and the one she was on a course for, shined with golden light just as Sombra did, and happily swung opened to reveal the Canterlot skyline. “Just taking out the trash. Do tell me what the view on the way down is like, Sombra.” The two of the came to a halt and stood and/or hovered in front of the opened window, depending on their exact circumstances. “Or, if I’d prefer, don’t.”

“Oh, cram it, you literal starfu—“ Sombra was interrupted as he was suddenly defenestrated. He tried to finish his sentence, but all he managed was, “Aaaaaaaa!” in rapidly decreasing volume.

Closing the window after him, Celestia gave a very princess-y giggle. “Oh, I like doing that almost as much as I like bananas,” she said with a smile. A golden shimmer surrounded her horn again, and a bunch of bananas floated out from a convenient out-of-view location and lazily through the air to her, as if suspended in a soap bubble (but actually suspended in her aura).

“And I’m a bitch who likes bananas.”

Author's Note:

Not bad for like, four hours’ work. Which is kind of a record, really.

Apparently, I feel more like being funny than serious lately. Who could’ve seen that coming?

Comments

[Eyeswirl the Weirded]

Bitchlesia might be out of character, but she's darn fun to watch.

[PhycoKrusk]

5102677
Oh no, the line about Cowbuquerque is definitely Bugs Bunny, and it was pure luck that I was able to get that pun to work.

But the overall plot? The commercial; the bit with the kitchen is taken from it almost word-for-second (a new expression that I probably made up just now).

[SPark]

5102677 Ah, I see what you mean. I haven't seen Spinal Tap, so I misunderstood the reference you were making.

These have been fun.

[MeadowRosePony]

Celestia Approved

[Harmony Charmer]

Tyrant Celestia isn't normally this hilarious, and I believe that what you've achieved is a whole new level of hilarity, my dear Phyco.