Chapter 13 - Why is it that making things official is so painful?
"Okay," I said, looking over the diner's table to Measured Thought. "All in all, this could have been worse."
"And pray tell," she replied in a complete deadpan, "just how could anyone have made this worse?"
The diner was in complete disarray. Food was everywhere. The only table spared the wrath of the foodspolsion was ours, because it was the one furthest away from the kitchen.
Speaking of the kitchen, that had been burning for five minutes now. At least, judging by the black smoke near the ceiling. I wasn't sure how that and the fact that the food caked everywhere was either perfectly done or raw could both be true at the same time. I had expected burned stuff to be repainting the walls with a 'charred black' by now, especially considering that something had to be burning to make the smoke back there.
The other patrons had fled. I'm pretty sure they were fleeing when we arrived. Hell, I'm not sure how we picked out this particular diner and table for our date tonight. I'm not even sure we did; we might have been shanghaied into it.
And why were Measured and I going on a date?
Three words.
Cutie. Mark. Crusaders.
Let's rewind.
-----
(Five hours ago)
Measured and I were walking through the market on another beautiful day in Ponyville. It wasn't set to stay that way for all day. Light downpour as night set in was on the schedule, and we could see the weather ponies corralling clouds for later use. Still, the market was open all day, so no real rush.
Measured had actually gotten me to try hay and flowers and grass, and to my surprise, my taste buds had adapted to where the foods in question were slightly less flavorful starches and fruits rather than the grassy flavors I thought they would be.
Spoiler alert: I love starch.
So we actually needed to restock now. Partially because now I was getting 'proper' nutrition and we didn't have enough, and partially because, well...
...I may have overindulged myself...
......Okay so I binged on hay and roses, what more do you want from me?
Damn things are too tasty for their own good...
Anyways, we wandered through the market, Measured getting advice on where to pick up some of the things that needed replacing from the locals while also casting a shrewd eye over the products in question to make sure we would be getting a good deal. Even if she had to haggle for it for five minutes at a time.
That was when there was a familiar buzzing noise. One that sounded similar to a small engine approaching.
My ears twitched, telling me that the noise was coming more strongly from the right, so I raised my right forehoof in that direction. Guard, Whirlwind!
The two techniques combined, causing me a slight twinge of pain as they did so in ways, once again, not meant for normal use. Or use at all, really. It also didn't help that the two elements I was combining didn't share a good relationship with one another. Fire consumes air, wind can blow out small enough fires.
Still, a barrier of air and wind popped into existence, invisible save for the big honking glowing red outline it gained. Scootaloo crashed into it, but all it did was slow her down, causing her to bump lightly into my raised hoof. I looked over at her and raised an eyebrow before dismissing my impromptu air cushion.
"And what are you three up to this afternoon?"
Indeed, attached to the scooter was the trademark wagon of the Cutie Mark Crusaders with the other two Crusaders riding along in it. The entire arrangement ground to a halt, and the three crusaders all ambled over to stand in front of Measured and I.
"Oh hey mister Auric!" Sweetie started.
"Fancy runnin' inta you here!" Applebloom continued.
"And, uh, thanks for whatever you did to make sure we didn't really run into you. Like usual." Scootaloo finished.
I smiled and nodded at them. "Think nothing of it, girls, though you didn't answer my question."
The trio of terror exchanged a look before saying 'oh' at the same time and turning back to face us. "Nothing much, we were just going over to the clubhouse," Scootaloo explained.
"And tryin' ta come up with ideas for crusading," Applebloom continued. Sweetie Belle, however, looked from Measured to me, to back to Measured.
"Are you two sure you're not special someponies?"
I sighed and looked the tiny unicorn in the eyes. "Yes, we're not. We haven't even gone out on a proper date yet."
I knew as the words left my mouth that those words were the wrong thing to say. Instantly, three gasps filled the air.
"You haven't taken her on a date?"
"I know," Measured replied to Sweetie. "We just take advantage of each others good manners and friendship without entering into a relationship. It's getting quite aggravating."
Scootaloo looked at her fellow conspirators. "Girls, we can do this!"
"I'dunno you two. 'member Miss Cheerilee and Big Mac?"
Sweetie nodded. "Yeah, I'm not eager to do a lot of chores because we poisoned somepony again."
"I know, I know," Scootaloo replied. "We can't be matchmakers, 'cause they're already a match. And we're not touching that Love Poison stuff ever again. But we could be romance aides."
"Romance aides?" Applebloom cocked her head to one side. "What'd we be doin' as romance aides?"
"You know," Scootaloo waved a hoof around. "Picking out a good restaurant, making sure they show up on time, checking to make sure they're ready for the date, that sort of stuff."
Sweetie Bell blinked and leaned a little closer towards Scootaloo. "Are you sure you're Scootaloo? Because you usually never talk about 'all that sorta mushy stuff.'"
Applebloom giggled and Scootaloo groaned. "Yeah, yeah, I know. But if they get this relationship stuff out of the way, then they'll stop spending so much time dancing around the issue and have more time for other things. Like training you, Sweetie, or seeing if he can turn us into full-fledged what's-their-names."
I grinned at that; ah, the barbed honesty of children. They know how to get what they want, they just usually fail to think their plans all the way through. And sometimes they just fail to stop talking about them.
"You know what?" I said while pointing my hoof to each of them in turn. "If you three are really committed to doing this, then feel free. I've been meaning to take Measured out on the town anyhow."
The fillies cheered at being given permission.
Clearly, I hadn't learned my lesson. Or the lesson the universe was even now trying to imprint upon my soul, apparently.
And that was 'Do not test the Cutie Mark Crusaders, for they are secretly avatars of an Elder God that can cause ruin no matter the circumstances.'
It'd started well enough; they followed us back to the tower (once we remembered to invite them in) and got a list of preferences as to what sort of food we'd like. Then they went out for an hour, and when they came back and we re-invited them, they said they'd looked into it and found a cafe we could eat dinner at.
I'm not sure when they decided to help to a far greater extent, but they did at some point. Probably because they thought the date would be slower or poorer without their assistance.
And that brings us up to where we began.
-----
(Back in the present)
"Well," I said, "The building is still standing."
"For now," Measured agreed. "We should make our egress while that continues to be true."
I nodded in agreement, and we carefully picked our way through the restaurant-turned-warzone, making sure to double-check our coats for any lingering debris. Fortunately we were in the clear, either because the food splatter hadn't reached us yet, or because one of us put up a shield. I'm not sure which was true.
Once we were clear to the front door, we made a mad gallop to Sugarcube Corner, hoping to get at least something tasty if not nutritious in our stomachs. Walking in the door got us a ding-a-ling, followed by a pink party pony popping out from behind the counter. "Oh hey there Aury and Measured! What'cha doin' here today?"
I sighed in relief. "Escaping the terror trio. I swear, the more they try their hooves at things, the worse the fallout becomes."
Pinkie giggled. "Silly Aury. If that was true, Equestria would have exploded a few times by now!"
I blinked a few times, recalling just how many misadventures they'd had. "Point taken. Got anything we could share, pink wonder? Measured and I fled the cafe before our corner was just as messy as the rest of the room."
Pinkie nodded and pointed to a chalkboard nearby that listed the specials. One caught my eye. "Oooh, an extra large milkshake with two straws? Sounds good."
Pinkie merely nodded again. "Can do! What flavor?"
I exchanged a look with Measured and shrugged my shoulders. "Surprise me."
Measured and I took a booth and looked out at Ponyville and the gathering rainclouds and proceeded to ponywatch. "You know, it's funny. This sort of world is something my kind strives for, or at least claims to. A more peaceful, idyllic world. And yet now that I'm here, I keep getting so...bored. I'm not saying I want there to be excitement every day," I said, cutting out Measured before she could open her mouth, "Sol no. After all, a curse back from home was 'may you live in interesting times.' No, I just wish that every once in a while, ponies will look back at me and say 'oh, that was Auric. He did so and so and so many other so's.'"
The milkshake arrived just as Measured started giggling, and she fished out four bits for Pinkie. Measured and I took our respective straws and dra-
Was that-?
How could that-?
How did she know?
...It...it had been too damn long since I had a mint-and-chocolate milkshake. From the look across the table, Measured was equally surprised but no less equally pleased. The thing conjured pleasant memories of home; I would always make a batch to celebrate momentous events. After a long sip where brain freeze started to threaten, I broke off and saw Measured had done the same, but a bit of the concoction lingered in the fur around her mouth.
...I didn't think, I just acted, and licked it right off her.
What happened next, though, stunned me more than any brain freeze could.
She didn't stay stunned about my actions for long, and with a telekinetic shove, I was suddenly kissing her on the lips.
Time seemed to stop for a moment while my brain processes all the clues. In my mind, a miniature war was waged as spotlights shone down, searching for every last mental block I had. Each one dissolved under this new information: Measured Thought knew and accepted me for me, no matter the form I held, and this kiss was proof. I would be a right dick if I didn't do the same. Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, I broke away and smacked my lips.
"Well," I said. "That was certainly tasty. But I may need to get another sample before I can determine if it was you or the milkshake."
Before she could respond, I dove back into the breach. That time, she was the stunned one.
That time, she broke away and looked me in the eyes first. "Not a joke or a prank?" Her inquisitive tone made it plain that she didn't quite believe the evidence I'd put before her.
I shook my head at that. "That earlier kiss threw a few things into the light, and once revealed, they could be combated or accepted. Quite frankly, while it may have happened naturally, slowly, over the course of a year, you should be commended for breaking a half-dozen imposed mental blocks related to us being in a relationship in the span of one kiss."
She smiled at me and took a long, long pull on the milkshake before pulling off and smacking her lips together. "I am a pretty remarkable scientist. And I do like to experiment. Multiple times in a night, sometimes."
I held up a hoof to stop her. "Whoa there. That sort of activity should be reserved for far later in a relationship."
...Sol dammit, that look haunts my more pleasant dreams. "Who said anything about that? I just think you should take some time with me tonight to learn about all the pleasurable nerve endings in your new body. It is hardly my fault that they're located in such fascinating spots."
...I don't think Pinkie ever saw a couple demolish a milkshake of that size that quickly in all her days of working there.
And while a gentleman, or stallion as the case may be, does not kiss and tell, I will drop this tidbit of information:
That night more than made up for the brainfreeze I got helping Measured make a milkshake disappear.
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.... damn!
Cutie Mark Crusader Elder Gods, YAY!
AWWW YAH!
Congratulations to Auric.
bow-chika-bow-wow
as he said
really, when it all comes down to it
personal preferance
sentience
willingness
anything like race, creed and whatever else are just excuses for people to be dicks
also
in other words, thay are Discordian Acolytes
Auric got lucky, hot damn son. 1,500 years is a long time to go without it!
DAYUM GIRL, DON'T TALK LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC!
4436081 i agree img.pandawhale.com/79434-Putin-cookie-meme-pqor.jpeg
pinkie is the ultimate shipper, won't tia be jeaous?
37.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lytumz64BH1qieeeto1_1280.png
d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/3643615_700b.jpg
4436083 He couldn't even do it himself, Being a possessed suit of armour makes it pretty hard to 'rub the one eyed snake'
Anyone else think this face looks like the 'if you know what I mean' face?
4436345 Hah, reminds me of this scene from Family Guy:
4436045 someone should write that story... for i believe it would be a very entertaining read if it wasn't made into a grimdark tale.
4436040 4436045 4436061 4436064 4436071 4436083 4436088 4436144 4436351
Okay, I think we all need to keep calm...
sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-cuz-somebodys-getting-laid-tonight.png
4437257 The question of the day: "What if we don't wanna calm down? What the fuck now?!"
4437298
Good show, old sport, good show.
Ah, my good sir, you have cut me to the quick with your sharp mind and even sharper...."words."
4437315 Quick to wit, quick to bet, and even faster to get the hell out of there when I lose.
In the written words of the changeling named shape shift -bow chicka bow wow-
Auric you sly dog you.
4438467 no, there's a story were tia and Charisse hook up
Then Candace gets a changeling name shape shift who is mute
4438573 I got it!
4438517
4438573
GGRRrr
[Rainbow Ninja, this is the story Zenko13 was talking about. It has a mute changeling who sometimes wrote Bow Chika Bow Wow.] >here<
GGRRrr
[Hope this clears some confusion between you two.]
why did this suddenly say it was unread again? must have been a glitch from the sidestory...
4450087 Probably not accidental, either.
4436045
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/195/7/c/cutie_mark_crusaders_cultists___yay__by_sniper_bait-d579qdh.png
4437358 referance please?
5507369 phineas & ferb is the "bow chicka bow wow" referance
5666975 hahaha! EYNOPE!! it's RVB!(REDVSBLUE!)
Chapter 13 - nope
As soon as i read these words "Cutie. Mark. Crusaders." Nope, on planet nope in the nopeon galaxy in the nopedy nope dimension.
tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=OIP.M35857ae2729458493019c5543bd6047fo0&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
In reality they spent the entire night playing a tabletop RPG.
oh, that made me think of a gag in "mlp time loops" where Pinkie literally turned into one of the Chaos gods from Warhammer 40,000.
7701619
oh, you reminded me of this silly comic:
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0123.html
Would that mean that the CMC are Aspects of Pinkie Pie, somehow? I mean since She IS The Pink Eldritch Horror...
Oh Sweet Celestia! I just had a REALLY ABSOLUTELY DISTURBING thought... what if they aren't Aspects, but instead they were similar to The Pink One? That could potentially mean that there'd be The Pink Eldritch Horror AND 3 Eldritch Terrors, and Ponyville would be home to all 4 Eldritch!!!! *curls up in fetal position and starts rocking back and forth while mumbling to self* notagainnotagainnotagaincantsleepclownswilleatmecantsleepclownswilleatmecantsleepclownswilleatme