Lynwood
Joined 19th Aug, 2013 ·
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Double check all of this. It was pretty flawless overall, but there were fairly frequent spelling errors, as well as a few grammar ones.
i dont really get why at that point she would shoot celestia and why would the ponys not shield the princesses? I like the premise and the ending feels apropriate but the whole shooting scene at the end felt awkward and unecessary. I could see going after mad dog twilight but not so much celestia.
Very interesting, thought i don't know why the ponies would so aggressive. A different take on HiE but enjoyable nonetheless. Bit rushed on the pacing but i liked the story. Kudos
Wow. Great story, really wondered about Izzy's intentions for shooting Celestia though.
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I guess that mentally she blamed Celestia for all he troubles and the loss of her friend, and wanted revenge.
oops. shoulda made that clearer.
4460945
Didn't think about it like that. And it makes sense. Rachel was gone, and it was partially, if not entirely, Celestia's fault. But damn, point blank...
I would honestly love to read an extended epilogue, or an expanded universe type of story happening in the three years before Izzy and Iris know of Rachel's "reform".
Very good story.
4464311 why thank you!
quickmeme.com/img/8b/8b176b52163a66ce75d1b6423b6b510b0830653bb028ccf09f78fb15d25dfe93.jpg
Really, that was way to quick and it needs more description!
4464691
"No- You has to go back..." I grabbed onto her.
"Have" not has.
My heart stopped (at) I watched Izzy
should be "as"
So by crippled, do we mean vegetable, lost an eye, or "Oh shit we need to cover this up so that our enemies won't enslave all ponykind"?
4521152 I was thinking vegetable.
4531844 Kool. I also forgot to mention the sun having a critical existence failure.
Confusing, but Interesting.
Please continue.
4568191
Itss kind of complicated, but I wont be updating this story anymore.
That last bit just includes this story, opens it up to future stuff.
That is all.
4568222
that's OK, you shouldn't
yet...
hueheuheuheuheheuh
4568257
What?
4568291
4568296 So. Celestia is not dead. Well. That's a surprise.
Have you heard of Russian roulette
I didn't understand a lick of this just that they were both spineless pansy's.
This was unsatisfying to read. The ponies jumping to the conclusion that the humans were going to eat somebody was heavy-handed and while not completely unrealistic, the immediate resort to violence in the face of a greeting is jarring and did not feel organic. It felt forced and from that point onward every character felt out-of-character. I was somewhat emotionally invested, but it died immediately as soon as it was revealed that the ponies brainwashed the other girl and claimed she was 'reformed'. It made me hate the ponies. I will jot be Liking or Faving this story.
dam i wanna see what happens next
I’m really confused as to where the book went. It is never specified that they lost the book. Why didn’t they just make a new portal back home? That whole time they could have just left!
Do Not Read the Spoiler until after you finish the story.
Contains the Ending
"So that’s how you want to do it, huh? Fine." I glared at her and took a step towards her. Two shields immediately appeared over the group of ponies, excepting the princesses. I drew my gun and aimed it at the Princess. This was all her fault. she had a chance two stop this. She had three years. With a loud bang, the revolver bucked backward and forced a bullet between Princess Celestia's eyes. Her shield disappeared, and she stood for a moment before falling to the ground.
This is the best example I have ever read, for one of my favorite quotes. Quote below
The Monk
“Not telling you too much about humanity's special power, but I can give you a big hint! It is pure, concentrated spite.” -Knight Breeze
I was going to leave the below comment as is and move on. That is until I read the comments.
While this is not a work by, Ernest Hemingway or Mark Twain, I dont think it deserves the negative comments. I didnt find it confusing or unclear at all.
It wasnt stupendous, but I felt it was a decent story with an interesting ending.
I would encourage the Author to do a second short story from Celestials perspective and the same ending.
I think it would be interesting.
Over all, well done
The Monk
“Puberty was a curse for those inflicted with it, and boundless amusement for others who survived the process.” -Scarheart
There are a variety of things I did not like about the story.
They are attacked by twilight with some unknown spell, it's never explained if the spell did was what it was supposed to do as it appeared to mind wipe the two that were hit with it. When he finds Rachel later Isabella believes her to have been brainwashed but if the effect was the same as what happened to rainbow she likely just accepted what she thought sounded good as she went along gradually building up this large scale false idea of what her life must have been like before.
Then the ending celestia somehow doesn't die but is effectively dead, the main character is dead, rainbow dash/iris follows him to death and then rachel/hero runs off into the everfree and dies for unexplained reasons and then a new element of loyalty being selected is thrown in for some reason, why not of magic too? It's not like twilight can be the element of magic anymore if she can't do magic anymore.
There's a complete lack of communication throughout the entire story and it ends without any, none of them ever learn what they did wrong, they never even learn what happened in the first place.
It's implied they aren't aware rainbow's memory was wiped back then even though she was hit with the same spell which further implies they may not have even realised that they had wiped rachels memory and she wasn't normally like that.
Twilight lives, likely without magic but she's learned nothing from any of this.
He's shot the horns off of unicorns before yet none of them seem to recognise the revolver as a threat.
If you want tragedy this story is it but it feels strongly forced all the way through.
Dear Lord you’re writing has improved a lot. I came from your new story to see what else you had written and damn that was hard to read.
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Yup. That's all I'm gonna say about that, hah.
Wow... what an absolute disaster of a fic. Just got through "What a strange little colt" and thought to see some of your other works... this is really bad, really glad I read the other first or this would have been on my mind the entire time and tainted an otherwise good read. Glad to see how much you've improved your writing skills while dulling your "edge". There's just no rational though through this whole thing, shit just kinda happens. Still hopeful for "WaSLC2", lol.
Not the worst fic I’ve ever read, but could use some improvement. There were some spelling mistakes and the pacing was to fast. Some of the characterization at the start was off. I could definitely see the average pony reacting to a human like a monster (they’re not exactly the brightest bulbs), and even rainbow jumping to conclusions and attacking them, but twilight would’ve probably tried to calm everyone down and actually talk to them. It’s got the problem of “this only happened this way because everyone was an idiot”.
That being said I know this a comment on an extremely old fic, so I will say comparing this to your other stuff it’s very clear how much you improved.
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You're too kind! I've debated removing my old fics from the site, but a friend convinced me otherwise for just that reason.
I'm going to be honest. I like this story but it was bad. And it didn't help when you said they have seen the season up the season. 6 to my mind basic, no what's up with the ponies and how they would react? The top of that they should have known that violence is the last resort even when they go into angry mob mode. But everything that has been said has been said about this story. I'm happy to know you improved.
Fanáticos de MLP viajan a Equestria...y matan a Celestia. Sin lugar a dudas fue todo un giro de los acontecimientos.