• Member Since 9th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen Tuesday

thirdgod


T

We all know how the darkness made Luna a nightmare and Sombra a ruthless tyrant, but what if their was a master of the dark , a being who uses it to the fullest but never succumbing to its influence gaining unparalleled power. How will the main six deal with this being when he finds himself equestria after his own world banishes him out of fear will he be willing to know the magic of friendship or will he use the full might of his dark powers and consume everything.

i not a big fan of the show but i do like the stories on this site so i thought i would give a hand at writing one so i apologize beforehand if i get the characters personality's wrong also i still learning the lore of MLP so tell me if i got something wrong i plan on researching on the things that my character will be involved in.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 38 )

i like the idea for this story

saw some misspellings here and there bit it wasnt too bad

4289106 thanks you for the follow and please tell me what i misspelled?

Well as long as he doesn't faint every 2 sentences, should be decent story.

4289122 first off was ten of thousands should be tens,
i think self proclaim should be proclaimed,
then getting louder,
reproduction is the wrong word you want to use i think if your talking about killing innocents it should be repercussions which means that his actions will have consequences or just say casualty s of war,
resent should be recent
head should be heed
begging = beginning
tittle should have one t TITLE
i dont think you need the word of in all of time
most people make a big deal about this but i dont but im gonna say it anyway you should always capitalize the letter I when used by itself
celestia looking down at her couldn't help but smile back, she was about to say something when she suddenly felt an ominous chill down her back she saw Luna's eyes widen she knew immediately that she had felt the same thing.
"I know whatever it was it was very strong and dark in origin."
theres no space in everfree also you dont say what trembled did the forest tremble? the castle?
danger=dangerous
it says i dont have to destroy this realm but it sounds like it should be i dont want to or so i dont have to

now im not great at spelling and i probably missed some stuff and if you get one of those big grammer readers theyll probably tell you about them but this is all i found

4289239 thank you for all that help i have made the corrections and thank you for the help you have given me i hope you will enjoy my story

4289292 lol ive never typed that much ever

quality of new fics is taking a nosedive.....this fic wont last long before it's ripped apart by other readers

resent is recent, I needs to be capitalized when used by itself

4296820 thank you for telling me that mistake

your text is.....awful. it's like your skipping everything important and simply jumping into the action itself. this type of writing will get you eaten alive at some point

i know ive been helping with the mistakes but i didnt actually look for any in this chapter i was too busy reading it :twilightblush:

4301707 dose that mean it was good or just way too long considering its about 2,000 word more than the last one

4301712 it just means i was too drawn into the story to pay attention to mistakes so i guess good

4301733 well thank you kindly for that compliment

you are in dire need of a proof reader

4304684 I know sorry but if you can recommend someone I would be very apreciated

4304861
4304993
You don't need to keep a eye out for proofreaders, there are multiple groups on this website dedicated to proofreading and editing. Just go to the groups tab and browse all the groups and you will easily find some near the top of the list.

4289349 fuck you this story is the shit!!!!

5378669 Are you at all familiar with the concept of explaining your opinions? For example, what about this story is off-putting to you? Your comments would be better received, if you were clear and concise. The author has already expressed a lack of true familiarity for the characters in the very description, and requested to be informed of anything he wrote that would be off. A truly good piece of criticism would state what was done wrong, and what could be done to fix it. This would help the author improve the piece they're working on, so it's more enjoyable.

7109363 sorry...... I just really like the story....

7110128 I feel as if I've angered somepony

I wish this was continued as it is very interesting. but since it has been 6 years and has not been updated I would believe it has been discontinued. if ever it was to continue or have been remade I would read it I really like the story so far.

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