The Outhouses

by RenaissanceBrony

Chapter 1

“Do we have time for a story tonight, Grandma?” the young filly asked as she was caringly tucked into bed. The older mare turned towards the bedside clock and thought to herself for a moment.

“I think I might be able to squeeze a quick one into my extremely busy schedule,” she smiled slyly, eliciting a cheer from Cookie. “Plus somepony’s gotta make sure this rocking chair still rocks properly.”

The grandmother stepped towards the rickety old chair she always sat in when she told her stories and lowered herself with energy and grace that would be surprising for other mares her age. She had never been one to slow down, though, and she was still nearly as spritely and light on her hooves as she had been in her youth.

“Have I told you the one about Nightmare Moon’s return?” Her mischevious smile revealed that she was entirely aware that she had told that story countless times before.

“Yes, Grandma,” Cookie replied, rolling her eyes good-naturedly. “You told that one just last night.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to hear it again? I’ll sing the song and everything!”

“I wanna hear something new!”

“Something new? Alright,” the older mare sighed in mock-disappointment. She began to absent-mindedly rock forward and backwards in her rickety old chair as she gazed out the window, trying to think of a fresh story to tell. Nearly a minute ticked by, punctuated by only the slow creaking of the rickety old chair and the occasional humming sound from the mare. Suddenly she sat up and burst into an excited frenzy. “I never told you about what happened to the outhouses, did I?”

“To the… what-houses?” the young filly tried to process the unfamiliar word with little success.

“The outhouses!” her grandmother laughed. “Oh, Cookie, you’re in for a treat! This is a story from a long time ago and you’ll even learn a little bit about Equestrian history as a bonus!”

“Ugh, history?” Cookie stuck out her tongue. A history lesson combined with a story about some kind of weird house she’d never heard of didn’t exactly sound like a treat. “Maybe I’d rather hear about Nightmare Moon after all.”

“But wait,” the mare said in a hushed voice, hopping in a way to scoot her rickety old chair closer to the filly’s bed. “This is no ordinary historically accurate story.”

Cookie raised an eyebrow in response to this strange behavior.

“This story has...” she whispered, pausing dramatically and glancing side to side to make sure nopony else was in the room. Then after she felt the suspense had been built up enough, she finished almost silently, “potty jokes!”

The mare sat back up and laughed her infectious laugh, and of course Cookie laughed right along with her. The tempting offer of bathroom humor had officially piqued her interest.

“Alright, alright. You can tell about the whatever-houses,” she snorted gleefully through her subsiding laughter.

“Woohoo!” the mare cheered, clopping her hooves together, then quickly covering her mouth as a look of realization dawned on her face. “We’ll have to keep it quiet. I’m not sure your mom would approve of me telling you this story.”

Cookie grinned mischievously, shifting her gaze towards the closed bedroom door. “Even better,” she declared.

“Alrighty then,” the mare leaned back in her rickety old chair, pleased with her granddaughter’s consent. “Before I start, you need to know a little bit about what the world was like back when I was just a young mare, long before I ever met your grandfather.”

“The story takes place at the Rainbow Falls Trader Exchange-- a place where ponies would gather every year to trade their old stuff they didn’t want for stuff other ponies were willing to give away. We did a lot of things different back then, and I don’t just mean the Exchange. A lot of things were different throughout all of Equestria, like there were only four princesses, and Ponyville was just a small rural town that nopony gave much thought to.”

“But this story is about the outhouses. The outhouses were these little huts where ponies would shut themselves inside so nopony else could see them taking care of their bathroom business. You see, for some reason back then it wasn’t okay for ponies to just let it all out in the grass like we do nowadays. It was a weird idea in the first place, and I don’t know why we did it, but instead of fertilizing the dirt we kept all our precious poop inside these little outhouses, and if it weren’t for that one year at the Exchange, we might still have been doing that to this day!”