• Member Since 8th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen July 13th

Mixolydian Grey


Random PMs about anything or nothing are always welcome. :3

T

(BIG Important Author's Note: As of 5/30/15, the rewritten version has been posted. This is pretty much a new fic with the same premise and characters.)

It was supposed to be a mission of peace, a symbol of political unity. It was supposed to prove that a pony-griffon alliance was possible, that the two races could overcome their biologically-programmed notions of 'predator' and 'prey.' The Verdant Song could have been the end of their Cold War.

Whether by intentional sabotage or negligent miscalculation, the ship now limps through space, billions of kilometers from its destination. Without any hope of rescue or contact, the natural order of species prevails.

Some defy their instinct. They attempt to salvage what is left, avoid the merciless hunters, and bring the Verdant Song home.

If they succeed in reaching Equus, they can save the surviving colonists — but along with the colonists, they would bring home a ship full of irrefutable proof that griffons are carnivores and ponies are prey.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 80 )

This is a great story , and I'm glad to see it finally go up!

4537518 I can definitely fap to this.

like trying to measure distance with a barometer.

Oh yes, I quite like this analogy.

Something with potential.
Either way, I smell a bittersweet ending here.

Looking forward to more.

4545183
4539302
4538041
4537518

*Squees happily.*

4537571

*Tilts head, giving a quizzical frown.*

First off, let me say you've got an interesting start here. I'm a tad nervous about the dark undertones... that it might turn out more "horror in space" than "scifi," but so far, I really like the feel, and the writing is solid. The odd details like a griffon being declawed (voluntarily) add a lot of grit too. Really curious to see where this one goes!


4538041 That phrase stuck out to me too, and I'm wondering if it's an intentional reference to The Barometer Question, which is about measuring the height of a tall building using a barometer, or if it's "just" an analogy here.

On a related note, my personal favorite method is

Drop the barometer off the building onto someones head, killing them outright. Wait for the next day's papers and read the part where is says "A man (39) was killed yesterday when a scientist (26) dropped a barometer from the top of an [x] foot building."

On a related, related note, seems someone collected nearly 150 other answers here.

4554930 If it makes you feel any better, I don't write outright(hah) tragedy, there is no "sad" tag, and though this story is/will be somewhat dark, it's meant to be much more suspense/thriller than horror. "Dark" is a rather vague tag, isn't it?

The barometer thing was not any sort of reference, unfortunately, though the Barometer Question is certainly an amusing read. I had never heard of it. My favorite would have to be the one about beating the building with the barometer until it crumbles. All rubble should be pulverized into dust. The height of the building is now zero.

Either that, or the one where you set off an explosion on the roof and measure the decay time of the shockwave when the barometer registers the change in pressure.

Also, thank you for you comment and your curiosity; I hope I do not disappoint. :twilightsmile:

I wonder if the griffons don't want to get back... Or if they're just too suspicious of their motives.

Alcubierre drive

Huh, this is the first story I read that has ever referenced that. I like you.

Mmmm tasty moral choices.

I'm definitely interested. This started great and seems to only be getting better.

I'll second that. I curious where this goes, as it's a far cry from the friendship saves everyone stuff.

I would be incredibly disappointed to see it end here, I've really enjoyed it so far and if you've got plans to continue. I'd say do it, i'll still be here waiting to read it.

You've gone from "minor annoyance" to "exceptional thorn in my side" over the course of 9,677 words. This is a well-written, well-developed piece of work. While I was originally a bit concerned that Lennox was following the classic trope set by our Star Trek friend Data, you've managed to allow some emotion to shine through, which is appreciated. So, bravo. Have a fave and an upvote.

Rest assured, I'm still of the solid opinion that you're an irritating firebrand of a white knight who should mind his own business, but you do know how to write a decent sci-fi story, unlike certain folk who will go unnamed for the time being.

4591628 I thank you for your praise, and I concede the truth of your other point.

4594639

You're welcome. It is not undeserved.

Here via the EFNW Fanfic Spotlight. I'm a sucker for sci-fi ponies, and this one's got an interesting premise and some sharp writing. I'll be following along! :twilightsmile:

I don't really know what to say, this is just creepy but I do like it.

4609647 Creepy? How so? I don't disagree— that's just not the first word I would have chosen.

4609680 Disturbing may be a more apt choice of word, logic versus morals. How can you give morals to machine. (He is a machine right?)

I'm interested in what the griffon's goals are and what the cryogenic prisoners are for.

4609964 No... Lennox would like to think that he has deliberately eliminated emotion and bias. He's emotionally repressed and has strong preferences for mathematical approaches to problem solving. But there are no androids... The whole "bleeding" thing combined with frequent mentions of involuntary stress reactions was supposed to firmly establish that he is, in fact, a griffon.

I might rewrite this whole thing someday... so many little flaws in the way information is given to the reader... bleh. I'll finish posting it first, though.

4611360 I just couldn't decide what he was, at first I really thought robot but some of his behaviours made me start to question that belief, it is why I asked. Also I wouldn't worry about rewriting it, the problem with reading as you go is you miss out on the ability to just turn the page and find out what happens next.

4609680
The story is quite cool. I'm glad to have provided the backdrop. Just why didn't you tell me you had already begun publishing it?

4611629
Don't try to find impossible explanations: Lennox is an emotionally defunct sociopath. That simple.

4629963 Impossible explanations? Pffft, we have space ponies, nothing is impossible!

4629963 Because I figured you would be annoyed or apathetic because it's been so long and because I am Fluttershy. :fluttershysad:

(I know the date on the one chapter says April, oddly, but it wasn't published until recently.)

Holy shit, this is actually good. Are you still writing this? I'd definitely be willing to track it.

4649136 Awww, thanks. :heart: :twilightsmile:

I'm still trying to write it. Some internet troubles made GDocs a pain, and my editor appears to have disappeared. Temporary delays, but definitely not canceled!

After proofreading the first chapter of this, I've got to say, it's one of the most promising stories I've ever read on fimfic.

That it isn't in the feature box is a tragedy. Have you submitted it to EqD? Maybe that could get this the readers it deserves.

At any rate, I'll do what I can to promote it. :twilightsmile:
I see it's not in many groups yet... :pinkiecrazy:

What's your secret? Yesterday I watched four people get hit in the head with a baseball bat and then have their throats slit on the Walking Dead, yet the idea of having a sister in another section of a kilometers long ship full of predatory griffons, or the thought of griffons waking up ponies from cryo for the sadistic and unnecessary purpose of hunting them, or Kelantos' slightly gruesome threats of a known friend were each a thousand times more disturbing. I had to put my phone down a coue of times, because whatever it is about the way you write is just so... Effective that I couldn't handle it without a break.

I need more.

5137869

Thank you so much for the compliment. That's really sweet and encouraging. (Which is funny, because the fic is about... yeah.) But thank you. :heart: Despite being the author of such a brutally pessimistic, anti-humanistic, deterministic, nihilistic, existentialistic fic, I'm actually a snuggly-wuggly little guy and a few words of encouragement go a long way.

I feel really bad about basically abandoning this fic after promising over and over that I'd finish it. That ties into the answer to your question. My 'secret?' I'm an obsessive perfectionist.

I started writing this in September 2013. The outline went through several drafts. I had people critique the outline. The story itself went through several drafts. I had people critique those. I printed it out and wrote all over it and retyped it and took the best of everything I could come up with. It says that the first chapter was published in April 2014, but that's actually a glitch... It was uploaded in April, but not published until June. I wrote and rewrote everything a half a dozen times.

It took nine months, give or take, to publish those four chapters. We're now at thirteen months, and it's still not done. At least — I'm not done. I don't want to post the 'unfinished' chapters because they don't feel ready. But the whole thing is almost completely written...

Great strengths are great weaknesses.

I don't want to make any more empty promises, but I'll say this... There's a lot of this story that I've been holding back, probably unnecessarily. Almost everyone who read it seems to really enjoy it, and I feel like I owe you guys. :fluttershysad: So maybe the unposted parts aren't 100%, but I can probably post them and you won't even care about the flaws that bug me. I really need to get over this, don't I? Sorry about the long comment/rant/tangent/differentiation, just sorta putting feelings into words. Also it's late.

Should I remove the indentation on each new paragraph?

I was once told that on the computer, one should use spaces between paragraphs instead of indents. I was also told that one should use both, because indents improve readability and spaces improve readability and 1 + 1 = 2, right? Maybe not...

5214747

Personally, I use (and prefer reading) both.

5214747
Keep the indents and the spaces: they give great readability on a smartphone.
And don't consider this chapter as worthless: it constitudes a valuable bridge between the first and second halves of your story.

Dude, it is downright criminal that this is as unnoticed as it is. I can't get enough of this. Keep up the good work.

5214747 I personally think the indents make things line up weirdly. I can't just scan down an obvious "line" on the left side to find the word or place I left off at, but have to jump in a little to the right every few lines. It also looks weird when you have less-than-one-line dialog bits, as that vertical "line" shifts, and then the it looks like it's out-dented later. Minor quibbles though.

As for the story: as before... still very curious to see how this turns out. I'm starting to get a little uncertain how I feel about Lennox's characterization now. His emotional detachment, while initially an interesting part of his character, is starting to seem a bit inconsistent. Whether that is deliberate or not remains to be see though, so I'm withholding judgement for now.

You're really too hard on yourself, Mix. I love what you have done with this story so far. A shame it isn't more appreciated. My only complaint is that there isn't more, and, thus, the current circumstances leading to this situation have yet to be explained. But I digress. Keep up the good work when you're ready. :twilightsmile:

Again, I say this: This is fantastic. Amazing. Reading it has been a pleasure these last few days.

Woah! Rework mode engaged.

Uh. Hm. I dunno. Maybe It's Different And Therefore Bad, but something about the new draft doesn't quite click for me like the old one. The original draft left a lot of the exposition out at first, feeding it to us scrap by scrap as it slowly eased into the world and setting. This one's a bit more straightforward, but it still retains enough of that stylish flare to retain the feel of the original. I'll keep reading and see how it plays out.

6037888 It's also possible that overediting resulted in prose that doesn't flow because it's been nitpicked to death. Hopefully this isn't an issue beyond the first handful of chapters. I felt like it flowed better once all that business on the bridge was dealt with and the plot moved on to the issues that occur in transit.

Uh. Are the paragraphs supposed to be formatted like that?

6037942 No. Oops. Google Docs is dumb.

Edit: Fixed! Thanks for bringing that to my attention.

6037917

Ah, much better. This prose is closer to what I remember. And the standoff scene is nicely preserved as well. Looks like you were right about that. Onwards and upwards, I say.

6038017 :D

What was off about the prose? Did it seem clunky/choppy/artificial/forced? One thing that sorta happened in the workflow was that I kept thinking of all these little things I wanted to add, but I couldn't just have them appear out of nowhere, so I had to go back and mention them. This led to a lot of surgical insertions of a sentence or two in previous chapters, whereas most of the later chapters were written stream of consciousness and then only edited a little bit.

P.S. I promise I won't rewrite it again, no matter what you say.

6038049

Hm. Artificial might be a good word for it. Stiff, maybe? I remember what I liked about the beginning of the original draft was how it thunks you down into this really natural scene with Lennox and Solstice working on the door, and slipped in the setting and exposition bit by bit as they work. It was an excellent hook. This one still gets the point across, but does it a little more bluntly, flat out telling you a lot of the major backstory bits.

That being said, everything after that bit in this new draft is fantastic. Eagerly awaiting more.

I rather like how vividly you describe the ship. I can almost see it! :pinkiehappy:

6037942

This is how one should format paragraphs.

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