• Member Since 17th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen April 18th

L3gion


T

Things haven't been going well for little Snow Bolt. She's always in trouble at school, her father is always yelling at her, and the bullies at school pick on her relentlessly. But just when she thought things couldn't get any worse, she's kidnapped by a dragon, who plans to bake her into a pie. Can Snow Bolt escape from the monster's lair before it's too late?

Featured on Equestria Daily!
Audio Book reading by the immutable Illya Leonov!
Cover art generously provided by NovelIdea!

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 90 )

She's not going to eat her is she?:duck: wait no :trixieshiftright:

Gs dood, can't wait for more :D

Seriously, why does this have so few comments?!?!

This story was so good I've kept reading though the night, even though I need to get up for work in three hours!!

Really amazing, unique, definitely one of my favorites on this site - the ones that get re-read just for enjoyment.

You really deserve the feature box, and yes, I'm sure all the writers here could find ways to nitpick and bring attention to potential areas of improvement in the creative story-telling or technical layout/grammar aspects..... but this story as the story it is right now is a pretty good read!

4277533 Thanks! Glad you liked it!

4278864 Wow, best comment ever! :pinkiehappy: I'm so glad you liked it!

i like snow bolt, will we see more of her?

4279970 Yes, several more stories are in the works.:pinkiehappy:

4278864 it was put out yesterday, not alot of people have seen it yet :applejackunsure:

Don't think it's too technical at all, it adds to the story as a actual Pegasus point of view and experence. Don't underestimate your readers. :raritywink:

4293147 I'm glad you think so, thanks!

An absolutely stellar story. Good resolution, and very satisfying ending. Two thumbs up from me.

4341998 Glad you liked it!

Ri2

Hmm. Not that I'm ungrateful for it, but…what exactly does Princess Celestia get out of one little Pegasus learning how to fly?

This seems to be off to an interesting start. An excellent way of starting a story as well; jumping right into the action.
And the technical aspects are also promising. While I've only been casually reading, I saw no glaring problems that so often plagues other stories.

You've certainly got me interested in the story now. Well done.

I've decided to read this chapter with a lot more attentiveness, a much more critical eye, if you will. So apologies in advance if I come across as harsh or nitpicky.

she said quietly, hugging her knees to her chest.

A bit difficult, given her equine anatomy.

The dragon regarded her for a moment, then sighed again. “Depressed, and still half-frozen. Well, I guess I’m not eating you tonight, my little Pot Pie. You’re all cold in the middle, you wouldn’t cook evenly. Here.”

Technically, no comma. But acceptable nonetheless, given that this is not a fully structure sentence anyway.
And that should be a semicolon.

But when she opened her eyes again, and she found herself still in the same enormous rocky cave as the night before.

cut the word

Snow Bolt supposed that she must have gone out again. Snow Bolt was thirsty and hungry, having not eaten anything since breakfast the day before.

Careful, here. Repetitive way of starting sentences.


One issue I noticed at this point while reading this chapter is that you often have the same form to your sentences. By that I mean you very often say "Snow Bolt [action]."
Not a bad thing, per se; it's functional, and it gets the idea across.
Except this is the polar opposite of the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, as some writers call it. Essentially, instead of having too many varieties in words for referring to the same thing, you have almost none. It's either "Snow Bolt" or "she". While there's nothing wrong with "she", very often, you say "Snow Bolt" again when there's no one else "she" could refer to.

What I'm saying, basically, is the issue here is that using only these two, your sentences will start looking all alike. There's no harm in having a little variety (one or two other ways) in how you refer to her. "The filly" is an option, and would probably improve how it looks already.


Actually, while writing this, another issue occurred to me. A lot of what you wrote here, at least, is just a description of the characters actions or events.

She got stuck for a moment and started to panic, but was able to free herself shortly by rolling onto her back and propelling herself along with her wings.

This is one example of such an incident. This part here felt mechanical. We certainly do not feel she really got stuck; didn't last long enough, and she quickly got out of that mess anyway. This part is equivalent to "She got stuck. Then she got unstuck."
Just a little bit more on this part would have helped plenty.
"Just as she made it halfway through, her progress was halted. Realizing she was stuck, she started to panic and struggled to free herself. Her body twisted and squirmed in the gap, until finally, lying on her back, she managed to propel herself onwards with her wings."
Or something like that. You get the idea.
What I wrote it still a bit short, but you linger a little longer, long enough for the idea that she got stuck actually happened.

In other words, the issue here was pacing. You went over this way too quickly, especially considering she was crawling through a tiny hole. Not exactly a fast process. There are times for going through those things rapidly, and there are times to take your time with the moment to really let it settle in.

Snow Bolt, who had landed on the cave floor awkwardly, was just righting herself.

Really? Being tossed around by a dragon large enough to fit you in one of her claws, and you get up like it was nothing more than a trip?

“Well, I mean…I suppose they’re a little on the small side, but the wings can could certainly support the weight, it’s not like she could weigh that much…”

omit the first two underlined words
weighs

Alright then, little Pot Pie, alright.

Repeated. Cut.

And I reach the end of this chapter.

One last issue I've found with the overall tone is that I don't feel whatever emotion is permeating the scene. When Snow Bolt was talking about her inability to fly, I felt none of the embarrassment or humiliation she felt. It was her just listing a bunch of stuff, much to the dragon's confusion. Again, pacing. There's no emotional investment.

To recap the issues I've seen here. Repetitive sentence structures. And all you really do is describe events. "She did this. She did that." Problem with just that is I don't get really invested into the story, and it might get tedious. It's like listening to a history class where the teacher just drones on, listing dates and events. It also doesn't draw me in as much as it could have.

On the bright side, despite the apparent size of this comment, in terms of smaller technical issues, there actually weren't that many.

If I am to be honest, though. The issues I've found aren't quite enough to make me give up on this story, but I won't deny being a bit disappointed. It's not as good as I had expected it to be with the way the story started.

4710873 I very much appreciate your criticism, and I'll see about implementing your suggestions right away. I do hope you'll decide to stick with the story, if for no other reason than I'd love to have your feedback on the rest of it. :pinkiehappy:

it keeps reminding me of the princes bride with westly and the dread pirate roberts "get to bed sleep tight il most likely kill you in the morning" lol

Decent so far, but that's my critic side talking and I don't like telling people what to do. Nevertheless, I'm interested and want to read more.

Also, I did notice a few semantics here and there like everybody, feet, and hand. Silly stuff that isn't too important, but might bother some people. I'm just letting you know if you want to change it or not.

Right, next chapter! I have a feeling Snow Bolt is going to wake up to a nice toasty fire; I hope she's not in it.

4712383 Man, how'd I miss those?? Thanks for pointing that out :pinkiecrazy:

I don't know if Scarlet is being picky, or if she is cleverly trying to both fatten Snow Bolt up with some muscle as well as make her feel less depressed by teaching her how to fly.

I imagine Celestia wouldn't be happy if she knew a dragon was taking ponies and making pony pot pies in her land.

Good night, Pot Pie. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely eat you in the morning. :unsuresweetie:

I have a feeling that Scarlet is a vegetarian.

Now that I think of it, so is Spike.

Weird.

Sonic Snowboom? Nifty. :rainbowdetermined2:

Indeed, another hidden gem. EQD prompted me to read, and I hope it gets all the attention it deserves.

I'll admit to thinking for a while that cheeky was scarlet under a transformation spell.

It also took me a bit to figure out who the second pony she saved was. That's Coal Bolt, right?

Very good story - thanks for sharing.

Pffft. Scarlet Redscales, Celestia's personal dragon psychologist and physiologist for ponies.

You always have your hooves in these kinds of things, don't you Celestia? :trollestia:

That ending was nice. The story overall was sweet and cheeky with its occasional sad or humorous parts . I was always somewhat uncertain about Scarlet. Even though I noted her eating habits as conflicting, I didn't want to believe her actions reflected her helping Snow Bolt the whole time because I didn't see a reason for it until the end; Which was a bit of twist for me. The flying lessons I felt I could understand what Snow Bolt was doing and how it affected her in flight when ever it was described.

The time lapse between each chapter near the middle as you described what happened after a few days or week was a tiny bit repetitive a few chapters. I swear I read a descriptive paragraph about what Snow Bolt's days consisted of once or twice before in an earlier chapter. Regardless, I still liked the story.

I also did just notice a huge issue. Snow Bolt's descriptions I don't think I saw any mention of color until the very last chapter. I had no clue her coat was a lemon color, or that her eye's where blue, and I don't think you ever mentioned what her mane and tail colors looked like. Not even when you pointed out the windswept look she had. Most of the story I imagined her being totally blank white like an uncolored image in a coloring book. Mostly because Snow was in her name and I assumed she'd look like her namesake.

4714689 I'm glad you liked it, and I will take your suggestions to heart. :pinkiehappy:

4713658 I'm so glad you liked it :pinkiehappy: As to the other "favor" Celestia owes, I didn't really have anything in mind yet; I was just adding to the lore of my particular headcanon. Perhaps I'll fill it in with another story someday.

Thanks for your comment!

4712670 Yeah, I can't really pretend that wasn't part of my inspiration here.:rainbowlaugh:

4714816 Who hasn't been inspired by that movie/book.
Hehe, the Dread Dragon Scarlet, pillager and plunder of towns in her early year before Celestia intervened. Would make some interesting lore if you though of doing a prequel that explained Celestia and Scarlet's arrangement.

Is "Wind-Bouncing" a real thing? I can't quite imagine how it works unless maybe it is about diving to convert altitude into speed on the windless side, and then using the stronger updraft near the ground (but not TOO near) to recover the altitude while maintaining speed. A slight alteration might allow for using it to increase altitude, but not TOO much I should think.

I've actually taken a few college courses related to how fluids (both gases and liquids) move.

EDIT: Ok, so you link it at the end of the last chapter. Here it is for anyone who wants to read while this chapter is still fresh in their mind. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dynamic_soaring

Comment posted by L3gion deleted Jul 20th, 2014

4713181
Eh, I thought it was a bit much myself, but I think I can understand why the author did it. I suppose she was "in her destined element" (snow) when she did it, so that could help.

4709686
You might as well ask why Luna rescues foals from nightmares and takes the time to teach them how to be better ponies. The Diarchs LOVE their little ponies. That is all the motivation Celestia needs.

...Although having one more super-sonic and more over, one whose favourite flying weather is likely to be BAD, and her favourite terrain likely to be mountainous? Seems like an asset to Equestria, and Celestia can see the future from time to time. Dash can't be everywhere after all...

Not too technical in the least...

I mean, in one of my stories, I have a passing mention of Twilight Sparkle attempting to create nuclear fusion in her basement by telekinetically squeezing hydrogen isotopes she got Celestia to get her from the sun. This parallels people who build working fusion reactors in their basement in real life (yes, it can be done, no you can't get more energy out of the reaction than you had to put in in the electricity to run the thing). So you definitely have an audience.

4711832
Yeah, I got the vibe too, although I also thought that she would realize she could get a big head-start without being spotted when she did the "Snowboom".

4720740 Thanks for your feedback!

While I found this to be a sweet, fluffy read, I couldn't help but find a few problems with it. I felt that many of the chapters were repetitive; Snow Bolt is threatened by Scarlet, learns a flying trick, then sleeps. I never was surprised by the direction of the story. Snow Bolt herself seemed to be a Mary Sue, as well as inconsistent in her actions seeing as how she began as a rebellious and surly teenager to a almost woodenly obedient doll. The big reveal with celestial seemed nonsequiter to me; you could have left Scarlet's motives unexplained and I'd have found her more compelling. I think you did the best with describing flight and the feelings associated. In the future, I would suggest focusing on that even more than you did here.

4722834 I very much appreciate your criticism. I think you're on the mark with every point. I'll see what can be done. :pinkiehappy:

4723337 Sorry about the curtness of my first comment; my phone was close to death and I had to stay concise. I don't want it to seem that I didn't like your story. As a matter of fact, I think that you did very well with a multitude of things in this story. Scarlet and Snow Bolt's interaction was very pleasant and heartwarming, your description of flight was the most complete I've read on fimfiction without being overly technical or obtrusive. This was also a very unique premise, and the tone made for a light read with a few gold nuggets of useful knowledge within. You have some great stuff here, and I would love to see you expand upon it.

4725817 You didn't hurt my feelings, I'm made of stern stuff. I wish more people would spare my feelings and give me some damn feedback already.

Ri2

4720665 What I mean is, why would Celestia spend so much time and effort training this one poor Pegasus to fly (and let her father think she's dead for months) and yet does absolutely nothing for, say, Scootaloo?

Definitely a good read. As much as Snow Bolt might be a bit pity-fuel for my tastes, it was a very fun redemption story. I think the ending might have been the weakest point though. You've spent the entire plotline building up Snow Bolt and Scarlet's character, and making a friend of Cheeky, and the final moment you leave us with of her overcoming the bullies leaves me a little uncomfortable. I feel like it makes the final goal centered around the jerk characters and showing them who's boss, and while the scene is definitely satisfying, I might be more inclined to believe Snow Bolt learned more than just how to fly, and that isn't really addressed. A better final scene might show more of Snow Bolt's moral on a personal level. Maybe a visit to her mother's grave where she resolves to never stop believing in herself again, or her helping another flightless filly in turn, showing that she's changed for the better, and isn't just a bully for the bullies now. I also don't know if Cheeky got enough finality about how she adapted to living with more ponies, or why she was living near a dragon's den anyway...

But then again, that's just my own preference. The story was well-written overall, and I loved every moment of it. Nothing was too complicated to understand, and the emotional drama was just right for my tastes. Just a little extra payoff at the end, and I might call it perfect. Well done! :twilightsmile:

Wild guess that's been at the back of my mind for a few chapters, Cheeky is Scarlet somehow.

Whoops, scratch that theory, Cheeky and Scarlet are finally on screen together.

A little bit over the top, but only mildly so. The physics of what's going on here make at least as much sense as anything Dash ever did.

That was well worth reading, I'm glad I decided to give it a try when I saw the EQD post.

4730364 I suppose it does start off like a soppy sadfic, doesn't it? :rainbowlaugh: I appreciate your input, and I'm glad you enjoyed it overall.

4731744 Glad you liked it! You're not the first one to think Scarlet and Cheeky were the same, I may need to rewrite.

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