Rainbow Dash, still holding her dolls, crossed her forelegs in obvious disagreement. "Well, at least I didn't ship a cheese grater with Lord Sombra!"
Twilight blushed. "That was an experiment in objective personification as it relates to romance and our ultimate purpose as an existential crisis!"
Sombra stared up at the ceiling, memories swirling like the wisps of essence boiling off of his insubstantial body. Memories … of her.
His gaseous form seemed to fade away as agitation roiled within him. Fade away, like our love, he thought morosely. Did I truly mean so little to her? Was I only ever just a way to put Luna to sleep while she attacked Equestria? His eyes shuddered closed. No. Remember the good times. The times when he could seep into her chambers, deep in the bowels of the hive, past the vigilant eyes of her hundreds of drones. When he could coalesce around her in the night, and wake her up with whispered words of honey, his form enveloping her like an insubstantial oubliette. How she would moan in ecstasy as his form flowed in, around, through her, caressing the secret places of the holes in her limbs, penetrating her totally in a way no fleshy lover could dream of, feeding her his love even as she struggled to breathe and suffocated little by little, her life in his hooves, drawing him further in with every little sound —
— until the day he arrived to find he had been replaced by a mind-controlled slave pony, a couple of drones with feather-fans, and a chubby stick of incense.
"It's not what you think!" Chrysalis had cried, leaping to her hooves. "I missed you too much! I needed something!" … but, no, he had known the truth from the moment he laid eyes on the whole sordid scene. There was nothing special about him, in her eyes. He was emotional food, served with a side order of a curious sensation that she'd finally found a way to reproduce.
He'd been replaced by an object.
Well, two can play at that game, he thought, rolling over in bed and solidifying a hoof so that he could tenderly stroke the smooth, hard edge of his new lover. What had she been to him, anyhow, but a way to feel his essence funnelled through a hundred hard-edged holes? Well, and a source of sexy and flattering sounds, but that was easily enough fixed. "Oh, Sombra," he murmured in a falsetto, brushing his lips to the cold metal of The Grate And Powerful Chryssy's … um, carapace. "Take me, you handsome and powerful tyrant, take me like you took the Crystal Empire, like you would have taken my hive if you'd ever decided it was worth the bother."
Sombra cleared his throat and responded in his usual suave growl. "Why should I, you worthless wretch? I don't need you. I don't need anyone."
"Oh, Sombra," T.G.A.P. Chryssy breathed. "But I need you. I need you flowing through me. That silly incense smoke was no substitute, I need your life, your vitality …" No. That was going to uncomfortable places, given the circumstances. He tried to push that thought from his mind before it could spawn any existential revelations, and tried again. "Because I'm so weak, I mean. You're right, Sombra. You're so strong, you don't need anyone."
Much better. "I don't. Which is why I will take you, Madame Grate, just to show everyone how perfectly fine I am with this." He raised his voice and shouted to the heavens. "DO YOU HEAR ME, CHRYSALIS? I'M FINE WITH THIS!!"
Then he dissolved the bonds that held his form together, settled into a fine dark mist, and with a lascivious moan that reverberated throughout the cloud of his essence, he flowed through the holes of his shiny new cheese grater.
Additional author's note:
Apologies in advance for any bleeding eyeballs. This is approximately the crackiest crackfic that ever ficced a crack. I REGRET NOTHING
If lengthy exposure to me has somehow warped your brain enough that you liked this, you should probably also read You, Ms. Harshwhinny, And A Pair Of Cougars Go On A Double Date. And then, for something a little different, follow that up with Daedric Bound Helmet: The Game: The Novelization.
If even those cannot break you, My Harshwhinnial will.
5152370 Still can't beat the shipping in Shipping Sickness.
Did you ask permission to write for all of these, or did you just go for it?
5152370
This is every bit as funny as it was in the comments of that story.
5152428
My Shipping Sickness commentfic is next in the NTFW queue! Just as soon as I get another one to pair it with. I try to post these in pairs so I'm not spamming the site with sub-500-word updates.
And yes, Shipping Sickness was exquisitely cracked as well. Trying to beat Skywriter at his own game is like trying to leap over the moon. (But in the attempt, at least we push our limits.)
5152464
As far as the writing, I just went for it. As far as the reposting, I haven't been explicitly asking permission from the source story's author, because it's generally clear from the reaction to the commentfic that they were delighted by the work. (There's not much higher flattery than "You inspired me.") But if for whatever reason an author's uncomfortable with one of these, I will take it down.
I have been explicitly obtaining posting permission from the authors of the commentfics, and in a few cases, they've given me a more polished version to post in the compilation.
This... this actually kind of works. At least when you take the backstory into account. I think I should be very concerned about my sanity at this point...
5152711
No, no, you're not loosing your sanity; you're just a fan of insanity. It can be quite entertaining.
(Dammit, now I can see it working too!)
5153395
Good actual answer!
Oh my god.
And it even makes sense!
5577871
i knooooooooooooooooow
...
my brain scares me sometimes
Brilliant.
6079406
Thank you!
l-lewd
Ah ha ha ha ha! That was something.
Also, am I delusional, or have I read another story somewhere about Twilight Sparkle and furniture shipping? I seem to recall one, way back in the day.
P.S. Reading the stories that these go with is a really marvelous way to find fics I'd otherwise never read.
7934181 Here
7934181
Was it Shipping Sickness?
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/44054/shipping-sickness